u/Musicman-95

It is the uncertainty that my message did not arrive that torments me. It is a feeling of anxious need that I must know that my message was delivered. I wonder if this is why these things are part of the tools we use to communicate nowadays. To coddle us with its extra layer of certainty that we otherwise would not be given. To have external validation that we have in fact done what we set out to do. Extra niceties that ease anxiety in the moment, but create a dependence on it over a period of time.

There are less what ifs, less potential barriers that come up, where a letter can get lost, a text is marked, send and received directly to you and the recipient. There is no room for ambiguity or interpretation. It has been done and marked as done to you both. A failure to respond now would indicate disrespect, rather than ambiguity. I wonder if these small things have slowly eroded away at our ability to tolerate uncertainty. That they have normalised a type of reassurance seeking that was once a pathology. I wonder if there is even anything we can do about it. Pandora's box has been opened so to speak. We are all accustom to it now. We cannot not as it were, "put the cat back in the bag".

It is not that it eliminates all ambiguity though. But more that it shifts the burden of tolerating that ambiguity from the sender to the receiver. They are now entirely responsible for whether or not they reply. It is an extra layer of pressure that nobody intended but is there nonetheless. I see how it has shifted our expectations. People complain others do not respond. People grow angry at the lack of willingness to engage. All which are valid.

But would these things be there if we did not have soo much certainty that our messages were even received? If connection was more spontaneous and unscripted. Would we still feel so slighted if things went off script? Would we be able to rationalise away rejection better? Instead we are given the blatant examples of it. Message Sent. Message Read. No reply. Undeniable tangible evidence of our unlovableness.

But is it really as factual as we think? Or do these new pieces of the puzzle simply remove something? Plausible deniability. The ability to save our own ego has been stolen. So every wound to it is no longer unclear how deep the cut goes. It is a clear and obvious laceration. It takes extra work for a person to add an excuse when there is evidence pointing towards the opposite. So I do not blame people for feeling this hurt by it. But I do wonder if that hurt was ever supposed to be there to begin with? Because I do not think the receiver intends to harm. But the method of communication implies malice through its portrayal.

It is the uncertainty that my message did not arrive that torments me. It is a feeling of anxious need that I must know that my message was delivered. I wonder if this is why these things are part of the tools we use to communicate nowadays. To coddle us with its extra layer of certainty that we otherwise would not be given. To have external validation that we have in fact done what we set out to do. Extra niceties that ease anxiety in the moment, but create a dependence on it over a period of time.

There are less what ifs, less potential barriers that come up, where a letter can get lost, a text is marked, send and received directly to you and the recipient. There is no room for ambiguity or interpretation. It has been done and marked as done to you both. A failure to respond now would indicate disrespect, rather than ambiguity. I wonder if these small things have slowly eroded away at our ability to tolerate uncertainty. That they have normalised a type of reassurance seeking that was once a pathology. I wonder if there is even anything we can do about it. Pandora's box has been opened so to speak. We are all accustom to it now. We cannot not as it were, "put the cat back in the bag".

It is not that it eliminates all ambiguity though. But more that it shifts the burden of tolerating that ambiguity from the sender to the receiver. They are now entirely responsible for whether or not they reply. It is an extra layer of pressure that nobody intended but is there nonetheless. I see how it has shifted our expectations. People complain others do not respond. People grow angry at the lack of willingness to engage. All which are valid.

But would these things be there if we did not have soo much certainty that our messages were even received? If connection was more spontaneous and unscripted. Would we still feel so slighted if things went off script? Would we be able to rationalise away rejection better? Instead we are given the blatant examples of it. Message Sent. Message Read. No reply. Undeniable tangible evidence of our unlovableness.

But is it really as factual as we think? Or do these new pieces of the puzzle simply remove something? Plausible deniability. The ability to save our own ego has been stolen. So every wound to it is no longer unclear how deep the cut goes. It is a clear and obvious laceration. It takes extra work for a person to add an excuse when there is evidence pointing towards the opposite. So I do not blame people for feeling this hurt by it. But I do wonder if that hurt was ever supposed to be there to begin with? Because I do not think the receiver intends to harm. But the method of communication implies malice through its portrayal.

I've been making alot of progress these past 6 months and Im really proud of myself.

I have quiet BPD and something I noticed is that rather than lash out, I almost seem to internalise things until theyre too big for me. Then I'll vent onto a person and explain why I have to cut them out and that they're just too much for me. And months or sometimes even days later regret it and desperately miss them.

Its just annoying when my feelings are so big and not being able to articulate it in the moment or recognise it makes them feel 10x bigger later on.

Eventually I found a therapist that seemed to understand this, and we've been working on the shame, anxiety and guilt that I feel. It has helped immensely with my ability to articulate myself. And see that no, I am not a monster. Nor am I abusive. It has also made me much more compassionate to others, and much more willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt. And also willing to try reconnect with those people and accept if they aren't willing to do the same.

Its funny because 6 months ago, if I saw a post like this, I would've thought ugh how disgusting such a obviously naive person unable to see how truly hurtful they are. I think that goes to show just how much my perspective has changed.

Its still hard. I still struggle with things, but they no longer feel unachievable. They just feel tough. I still have hopeless days. And I still have euphoric days. But I have alot more days where I'm somewhere in the middle.

Guess I just wanted to post this to say it's not hopeless for anyone out there who feels like that. I used to hate myself. I don't love myself quite yet, I still want to be better, and likely always will but I am learning how to respect and care for myself. And for me that is enough.

Look after yourself out there. Worlds a tough enough place as it is without you bullying yourself too.

Gosh I’ve not done one of these in a long time but I’ll keep it short. I’m always down for a chat and I enjoy learning about people (studying to become a psychologist) and love listening to someone talk about something they’re passionate about, gets me just as excited!

I’ve been told I’m a bit of a golden retriever haha So if you’re after that kind of golden retriever energy hit me up!

Look forward to meeting some cool peeps ^^

I think this might be a common thing for people these days. But I have this bias that I always think I am somehow in the wrong or bad. I’m in the process of being diagnosed with ocd and have a formal diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder. I think these both play a heavy role in this rumination and obsessive thinking .

Some background, I grew up in rural Australia with my grandparents. So I always kind of believed there was a direction in life. Like I remember in high school feeling like there was purpose. I had big goals and ambitions. Then once I got older they all kind of slowly disappeared. I used to want to make a difference. I was soo passionate and opinionated. But I was also very sensitive. This sensitivity has made me very vulnerable to the opinions and pressures of others. And I got sucked into a radical ideological set of beliefs due to this. I am managing to come out of it now. I am seeing how emotionally driven it was. But the problem I am facing is the immense amount of shame and guilt I feel for my beliefs now. Regardless if they are similar or different to before. It is a hyper vigilance that has developed almost in response to it. I became so self conscious and it’s left me unable to express myself and fearful. I realised it was a problem when I notice I feel anxious about engaging with any kind of content online. I worry about being radicalised. But a part of me wonders if this worry is real or if it is part of the anxiety. If it is part of the lack of trust I have developed in myself.

So I’m asking, how can I learn to trust myself more? How can I learn to tolerate my emotions and reactions to things without judging them but also without getting lost in the emotions that come up? How can I give myself space to feel without needing that feeling to be validated?

Thank you if you took the time to read this.

I don’t really know what to say. It just hurts soo much. To feel like you’re not good enough. To try and be vulnerable and still be left behind. I’ve not felt this in soo long. It physically hurts. My chest feels like it’s caving in on itself. I feel so alone and I want someone to come save me but I know nobody’s coming now. I just feel like such a burden and soo pathetic for needing others when they don’t have the capacity for me. It’s just a story that keeps repeating over and over for me. And the worst part is logically I can tell myself it gets better. But emotionally I can’t believe it.

I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I tried my best and I let anxiety get in the way. But it still hurts a lot. It’s hard not to blame myself. To tell myself I’m not good enough or I deserve to be alone. It’s hard to let myself feel it all. To let myself be hurt because they couldn’t stay. Even if I understand why. It’s so hard to not feel angry at them and hate them, because I loved them and it hurts that they’re gone.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. While also not shutting it down. I hate how much I feel like I need people but how little time they have for me. I understand logically but emotionally it’s a different story. I’m trying to let both be true but it’s hard to feel like it’s okay to feel these things when i believe Im too much.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt more as I get older. But I used to be able to make friends so easily. Now I’m even scared of just messaging people. I went from anxiously reaching out to just not even engaging out of fear. I used to talk to people all the time too. Now I struggle to say hi to strangers and constantly avoid activities with friends. Even though I feel so desperately lonely it honestly makes me even more anxious when friends invite me to things that I usually just don’t end up going out of the guilt I feel for not being able to show up as my best self.

Has anyone else experienced this or overcome it?

I get stuck on ideas sometimes.

Specifically this, how can I hold the people responsible for hurting me in my childhood accountable without making them accountable for every action Ive made since then? How can I let go of the pain without forgiving them entirely? How can I not blame myself and have self compassion without exonerating myself of every bad thing Ive ever done? Where is the line? Is there even a line?

Like If a dog is abused to the point of lashing out and biting others, is it the dogs responsibility for that behaviour or the people who hurt it? At what point does that change? Is this even a relative comparision or does it miss more complicated factors for people that contribute?

I think the difficulty is inbetween being a child and an adult. If you are a child, you are seen as still growing and not knowing any better, but once you are an adult its like the script flips and you are now suddenly accountable for everything you do. Even if you did not learn how to do them.

Im not saying you shouldn't be accountable for your actions but I just wonder why it changes, what changes, does anything actually change at all? Is it just the opinion of others that changes?

I question whether this a fundamental missunderstanding of how our brains work or is this something I am missing that others seem to be able to see that I cannot because of my own perspective and bias?

There are such negative stigmas to people with cluster b personality disorders, yet most of them seem to be the people who have experienced the most extreme and horrendous traumas.Yet some people hold no sympathy for them because in some cases they hurt people in the same ways sometimes. Perhaps it is just that that bothers me, the generalisation. It bothers me when others catagorise me into a group that I fall tangentially into in one way or another and attribute all of those individuals harm and behaviors to me. Then If I try to correct them I am torn down further as someone who must endorse these horrible things. It is an exhausting cycle.

Is it just because we in our nature do not see people in their entirety? That we only experience them in that moment, and we only have our own experiences and context to compare to the current circumstances. Would our opinions change if we could see people in their full context?

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I am being overly empathetic, as I am someone who always tries to see the bigger picture. But it seems like this point of view is very much uncomfortable to others. Which nowadays is worrying me much less, as I can see others perspectives on things as just that, another perspective. But still I find myself stuck sometimes thinking in circles for an answer to something that seems unanswerable.

So part of me still wonders, am I wrong to think this way if I am in the minority? Or is that a fallacy?

These are the kinds of thought loops I find myself stuck in. How can I escape the need for certainty without giving up on looking for answers all together? Because I seem to be good at thinking critically, and it is a skill I am proud of but thinking alone does not solve my problems. Infact most of the time it makes them worse.

I would say I am a thinker. I spend alot of time in my head. It has been both good and bad. Sometimes it leads to finding solutions but more often than not, those thoughts actually get stuck in a loop. I guess thats because of how our brains work. We are essentially efficiency solving machines, we aren't easily able to compare counter factual information because we are very limited by our cognitive biases. So its easy to get stuck in a loop, looking for an answer and tricking yourself into thinking you're looking in new places when really youre just going in circles. Like when you've lost your keys and retrace your steps, you go back to the same place over and over certain it must be there, lifting up the same pillow to check for the keys over and over every time saying to yourself "maybe I just missed it last time".

For me my cognitive bias is that I am a "bad person". It is the measuring stick I put up against every interaction, every experience and every person I encounter in my life. I am exceedingly good at justifying it. I can find the small ways in which my very presence harms those around me within moments of entering a room. I have heard people describe autism as like being overstimulated. This is how this feels emotionally. It is as if my mind is trying to go over everything it knows in every situation in order to make sure "exe.badperson" is not running at all times.

I used to think my constant questioning made me intelligent. But it honestly just makes me exhausted. I would love to for once have a conversation and not be analyising everything. What is being said, What they really mean, how I should respond to it and, how i should interpret and how I might've misinterpreted it, how they could misinterpret me and so on. I developed a script to counter this, that allowed me for some time to engage socially and I actually have been told by multiple people I make others comfortable.But all it took was just a few fails for my brain to be like nope Ineffective, cant ever use that again, go back to analysis until we have the perfect answer.

I can be patient and understanding and I am genuinely interested in what people have to say, but I actually think that comes more form a place of not having any self respect than anywhere else. And there it is again, in action. Taking the good quality I have been given by external validation and turning it into a negative reinforcement about my inadequacy. Its soo automatic its subconscious, its like its written into how I exist.

I've also come to realise my distress tolerance is basically zero. Its a false tolerance I've developed. Because instead of working on tolerating the negative feelings I have found creative ways around them. Which might sound good, but its unsustainable. Its allowed me to live life in bursts, and honestly those bursts are amazing, I get soo much done and I am soo fulfilled and living my best life when things aline but all it takes is for one of the pieces to get pulled out and I crumble to the bottom again.

Im working on building up the foundations lately. But its actually infuriating how often I'll sabotage even that progress. It feels like Im building legos with an angry toddler that without warning will smash it if I do something they dont like. It doesnt have to be rational. Its just something they decided. But If I stop I think I can see that it isnt random or without warning. It follows a logic, one I just dont understand. But I think I have to accept that. Because in the past I would try to figure it out. Try to decode it and make the ambiguity into certainty. I don't know what the answer is. And accepting that actually makes them happier and more content to continue building with me.

The other thing I do is I always have to perform growth. I have to show how much I understand. Its almost like in maths, if you dont show your work, how can people know you came to the right conclusion the right way? Maybe thats why Math always clicked with me. Its soo honest, so straightforward, so certain.

I cant seem to let myself just exist. I have to prove my right to exist. To show my work on my ideas so that I have the right to have them. These things in themselves I think can be good, I think its good to show your thought process, to be honest about weaknesses and to try to overcome them. But these traits for me, theyre born out of a insecurity and anxiety and only perpetuate it when I engage with them. So while the world around me sees someone who is ideal, even look up to me, inside I am anything but.

It is a motif I cant seem to escape. Exhaustion. I am just soo worn out trying to be perfect, that I cant just be.

I've always struggled to give myself credit for the things I've been through. I always told myself "thats just life" I have a great sense of humor about it. But I had a moment today, I was in the shower and I heard a creek in the house and it took me back to being a kid. It didnt feel malicious like It wasn't like I was scared. But then I stopped and thought wait why would it do that if I wasn't scared? Why does every noise in the house make me feel like Im a little kid at home again and someones coming? Like Im back there. Like its a specific person making that noise.

Im soo good at masking and pretending to be okay, I think I've fooled even myself to how often I am sent into a flashback. I dont feel sad about it. Atleast not for myself. I feel sad for my past self. That he grew up into someone that doesnt feel human. Its strange. Its as if I wish I could go back and change things for his sake, but not mine.

But Im not doing that boy any favors by doing that. Im rejecting and neglecting him now by feeling that way about myself. Just as I was rejected and neglected. I wish I knew how to love myself. I'm trying to learn. It feels so wrong every time I do something in that direction. Like even letting myself share a win with a group of friends feels selfish and egotistical. But I'm lucky there is some small part of me that still wants that, that pushes me to do that. Its just so hard to nurture that part when you never learned how.

I do this thing where I almost like I make it about me? I hate that I do it. I’ll reach out and feel guilty for taking sometimes time so I’ll apologise and make a joke about being a burden or something but I get this feeling like I’m just exhausting. I know because I hate it too but it’s almost like a faun response. I feel like I have to make an excuse or make sure I’m not being a burden or I have to be open and honest about how much I’m struggling and I come to people wanting to chat with a weeks worth of anxiety and shame built up only to reach out and then just end up dumping it all on them. I want to be different, because it’s exhausting for me too.

It’s soo strange it’s like I have to explain myself. Like I’m a kid who’s been caught doing something wrong and now I have to explain why I’m doing it. I think that because people will not reply after I start doing it. But that only triggers me to do it more because I feel even more anxious it’s almost like a type of reassurance seeking. I can calm myself down out of it but once I’ve done it it’s done.

It just frustrates me how big everything feels. I need to just be able to say something and not need to explain why or back it up, to just say hey saw this cool thing and wanted to share it and leave it at that and not need them to respond. But I’m putting soo much weight into it. I despise the feeling. The only way I seem to be able to talk to people is through this way of communicating. The few friends I don’t I heavily mask and rarely reach out. I just want to find a balance.

It’s almost like there’s a version of me that intentionally self sabotage things actively and one that doesn’t and desperately wants to be okay. Sometimes I feel like I dont get a choice which version is driving. I’m exhausted from trying to wrangle back the wheel but now it just feels a bit like I’ve lost control and I’m just reacting to life.

I do this thing where I almost like I make it about me? I hate that I do it. I’ll reach out and feel guilty for taking sometimes time so I’ll apologise and make a joke about being a burden or something but I get this feeling like I’m just exhausting. I know because I hate it too but it’s almost like a faun response. I feel like I have to make an excuse or make sure I’m not being a burden or I have to be open and honest about how much I’m struggling and I come to people wanting to chat with a weeks worth of anxiety and shame built up only to reach out and then just end up dumping it all on them. I want to be different, because it’s exhausting for me too.

It’s soo strange it’s like I have to explain myself. Like I’m a kid who’s been caught doing something wrong and now I have to explain why I’m doing it. I think that because people will not reply after I start doing it. But that only triggers me to do it more because I feel even more anxious it’s almost like a type of reassurance seeking. I can calm myself down out of it but once I’ve done it it’s done.

It just frustrates me how big everything feels. I need to just be able to say something and not need to explain why or back it up, to just say hey saw this cool thing and wanted to share it and leave it at that and not need them to respond. But I’m putting soo much weight into it. I despise the feeling. The only way I seem to be able to talk to people is through this way of communicating. The few friends I don’t I heavily mask and rarely reach out. I just want to find a balance.

It’s almost like there’s a version of me that intentionally self sabotage things actively and one that doesn’t and desperately wants to be okay. Sometimes I feel like I dont get a choice which version is driving. I’m exhausted from trying to wrangle back the wheel but now it just feels a bit like I’ve lost control and I’m just reacting to life.

It’s not fully dissociation I still remember going. But it’s like I present so well mannered and put together. I’ve had multiple therapists tell me things like “you’re doing soo good just keep doing it” when I’m actually really struggling.

I don’t know why I do it. It’s not exactly lying I am working on things, but I talk them up soo much in therapy. Maybe I’m avoiding talking about the hard stuff. It’s just frustrating because it feels like I’m getting nothing out of it sometimes. Like a complete waste of time, to just have the positive things I’m doing reinforced, when I’m not even doing them that much.

Maybe I’m being hard on myself too. Maybe I am actually doing a lot of work. But it just doesn’t feel like enough. Maybe because I just want the negative feelings to go away.

Sometimes it’s like my emotions are attached to a different version of myself. There’s angry me, sad me and happy me. But they can’t overlap. It’s just exhausting when I feel like something is wrong like i know something is bothering me but I can’t reach it. It’s shut behind layers and layers. It’s like a rotting hole inside of me that is slowly getting bigger. And I’ve been putting walls up around it. But now it’s eating through them too.

Existing is just a lot of effort and I’m exhausted from trying so hard to do better. But it’s not for myself still. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. It’s so foreign to me. I don’t feel like a person. I feel like I need to prove my worth to live. That I have no inherent value. And sure sometimes it drives me, but never for long. It’s short flames of passion that quickly burn out and just leave me smouldering, without any warmth to keep going.

It’s silly but I find myself constantly task switching and unable to invest in things, often falling back onto old mindless activities like gaming. But even then I find myself sitting at my desk flipping through my game library looking for something to play and I end up just doing nothing or watching YouTube.

How can I get back my ability to choose and stick to things? It sounds so silly but I can’t seem to just get invested in anything anymore. I always told myself it was a “willpower” thing but now with adhd diagnosis I can see that isn’t it.

So how do you deal with it? With the feeling when nothing feels stimulating enough?

Do I genuinely just need to find things that are more stimulating?

I’m trying to compile tools and resources for myself and I figured others might also have some useful ones to share!

What are the things that worked for you? Either ones you practiced to ground you in the moment or ones you do regularly to maintain a sense of stability.

I find it Really hard sometimes to see stuff about how harmful men are. Logically I understand, some are harmful. But its hard not to internalise it and take it personally and be triggered by it. To feel like I am harmful just for being a man.

I understand we need to keep people accountable and call out bad behaviour. Maybe its just because I'm so sensitive to shame. But I am sure there are other men out there who feel this way too. Who feel like everyone is watching them, waiting for them to make a mistake. I feel like I am a monster all the time. I hold soo much shame for soo much and alot of it isnt mine to carry.

It just makes me sad. I feel as if ignorance has become a sin in and of itself. That you have to be knowledgable at all times and if you are not, if you make a mistake. Say the wrong thing, offend someone, Its not a chance to learn, its already gone, your chance was already given at birth.

It just feels paralysing to live like that. And I havent turned to hating women because of it. I have seen many of my friends though, I dont think its womens fault. Its just the way things are and the standards we see are only the lowest or the highest. We don't see the normal day to day anymore, average people arent celebrated or ridiculed.

The answer used to be "get offline" and it probably still is. But these standards feel as if I breathe wrong I will be persecuted. I'm honestly just exhausted by it. And the only way I'm finding that works is allowing myself to speak about it without shaming myself for it, because soo often it feels like even by saying I am struggling with it, I am hurting others, but that isnt my intention at all.

I was sitting here thinking about a conversation I’ve had recently with a friend and how I was feeling soo worried that I was being too pushy or crossing their boundaries because they didn’t respond overly positively, just neutrally.

Then it kind of hit me, wait they’re not telling me I’m being pushy, I’m the one who thinks that. They’re just not engaging with my bids for attention.

Maybe it’s not bad. They’re still chatting they’re still engaging. It’s just not overly love bombing like I’m used to. Maybe this is what secure people look like?

I’m trying to not get swept up in feeling overly grateful for them and just noticing the feelings without judging myself for having them.

I started doing something every week a few months ago. I started posting things on subreddits because I wouldn't allow myself to do it before. It felt dangerous to be seen. Before that I could barely leave the house. Barely get through a fully day without laying in bed for a couple of hours. Its not just attributed to posting but allowing myself to be seen by others, and continuing to be has helped immensely. It's helped me deal with alot of my shame and fear.

Its something I thought was stupid before, that something so trivial couldn't possibly help. But the allowing myself to do something worthless, just because I wanted to and doing it over and over, despite feeling shame and fear every time I did, it made it easier. It made me start doing other small things in my life that have been building up.

I started getting dressed of a morning instead of staying in my Pj's all day, because I wasn't going to leave the house anyway. I started walking to the door each morning until it wasnt scary to do it. Then I started walking down the stairs in my apartment without needing a reason, until it didnt make me feel horrible for leaving the house. Now I'm joining a weekend walk group and Im terrified. But I know I can do it. I know that terror wont last forever. And even if it does end up being too much, I am capable of overcoming it eventually.

I'm writing this because I didnt think doing something so trivial and small would help. But doing a it a few times a week. Doing it when I felt like it. Allowing myself to feel ashamed and fearful and doing it anyway. It helped alot. So I hope others can do the same. Take the small steps that your brain is telling you isnt enough. Doing it over and over. And it'll suck and feel pointless and hopeless sometimes, don't just push past it. Achknowledge those things. Take a day off doing it when you want, but make the commitment to try again.

I went from barely ever leaving my house to actually wanting to go outside, and not having to do it because I'm "letting" myself, but because I want to. You can do it too.

It’s genuinely been some time now since I’ve struggled with this. In the past it used to haunt me forever regardless if I was in a relationship or not. I’d obsess over missing ex’s or someone new I just met. I thought I had it under control because I haven’t felt this strongly in a few years time, even with people I was interested in. But I recently got back in contact with an ex. It was genuinely really nice we cleared the air about a lot of things and both of us apologised and caught each other up on how things have been.

I’m not going to go no contact with them, they were a good friend but we had a tough break up where a lot of hurtful things were said. But I’m struggling with being back in contact. With the ambiguity of it. Perhaps I just need to make my desires clear, that I do just want to be friends with her and nothing more. But a part of me is soo fearful of rejection I’m finding myself daydreaming and feeling wistful about them when I wasn’t before. It’s deeply annoying and I despise it.

Maybe it would be a good time to practice some DBT interpersonal skills but the risk feels insanely high. I see my psychologist next week so I’m going to try hold out until then but it truely is overwhelming and any advice on how to tolerate it would be greatly appreciated!