u/Nabatamb

The weather feels painfully beautiful today.
I’m stretched across the grass, staring up at a sky overflowing with soft, cotton-like clouds, and no matter how long I look at them, I cannot look away. The more carefully I watch them, the more alive they seem — every cloud turned gently toward another, as though they’re quietly admiring each other. Some drift so close together that they dissolve into one another, looking less like clouds and more like lovers kissing somewhere far above the world.

And for a moment, I wished I were a cloud too.

Maybe if I were weightless enough, high enough, I could find you somewhere among them.

The birds are singing around me, and while I listen to their delicate voices, all I can think about is yours. I imagine hearing you call my name the way you used to, softly, lovingly… telling me to come closer. Close enough for my eyes to close on their own while I feel your lips against mine.

Just like the clouds above me.

I keep staring at the sky until it hurts, because every shape reminds me of you. Every beautiful thing somehow carries your face inside it. And suddenly my hands twist into the grass beneath me, gripping it tightly, as if the earth itself could hold together everything unraveling inside my chest.

I don’t even know what this feeling is anymore.

Maybe it’s longing.
Maybe anger.
Maybe love that never found somewhere to go.
Or maybe it’s grief mixed with memories too beautiful to forget.

I sink deeper into my thoughts and wish you were here beside me. This weather feels incomplete without you. I wish you were lying next to me in the grass while I slowly traced my fingers across your skin, letting the warmth of the evening take away the exhaustion from your body… the way I used to.

I wish we could watch the sunset together one more time, watching the sky drown itself in orange and gold until darkness finally arrived and the whole world became quiet around us.

What a gentle dream.

And what a devastating thing it is to realize that moments which once belonged to reality now survive only inside imagination.

Sometimes I think I truly would’ve loved being a cloud.
Not because clouds are free… but because at least they get to drift close enough to touch the things they ache for.

And even though my eyes already rain like spring storms whenever I think of you, I still wish I could become one of the clouds above me today.

If only you knew.

Ashley the name you gave me

The weather feels painfully beautiful today.
I’m stretched across the grass, staring up at a sky overflowing with soft, cotton-like clouds, and no matter how long I look at them, I cannot look away. The more carefully I watch them, the more alive they seem , every cloud turned gently toward another, as though they’re quietly admiring each other. Some drift so close together that they dissolve into one another, looking less like clouds and more like lovers kissing somewhere far above the world.

And for a moment, I wished I were a cloud too.

Maybe if I were weightless enough, high enough, I could find you somewhere among them.

The birds are singing around me, and while I listen to their delicate voices, all I can think about is yours. I imagine hearing you call my name the way you used to, softly, lovingly… telling me to come closer. Close enough for my eyes to close on their own while I feel your lips against mine.

Just like the clouds above me.

I keep staring at the sky until it hurts, because every shape reminds me of you. Every beautiful thing somehow carries your face inside it. And suddenly my hands twist into the grass beneath me, gripping it tightly, as if the earth itself could hold together everything unraveling inside my chest.

I don’t even know what this feeling is anymore.

Maybe it’s longing.
Maybe anger.
Maybe love that never found somewhere to go.
Or maybe it’s grief mixed with memories too beautiful to forget.

I sink deeper into my thoughts and wish you were here beside me. This weather feels incomplete without you. I wish you were lying next to me in the grass while I slowly traced my fingers across your skin, letting the warmth of the evening take away the exhaustion from your body… the way I used to.

I wish we could watch the sunset together one more time, watching the sky drown itself in orange and gold until darkness finally arrived and the whole world became quiet around us.

What a gentle dream.

And what a devastating thing it is to realize that moments which once belonged to reality now survive only inside imagination.

Sometimes I think I truly would’ve loved being a cloud.
Not because clouds are free… but because at least they get to drift close enough to touch the things they ache for.

And even though my eyes already rain like spring storms whenever I think of you, I still wish I could become one of the clouds above me today.

If only you knew.

Ashley the name you gave me

My heart misses you with the weight of every day I spent with you, and every day I have spent without you.
Sometimes I wonder what we would have become if we had stayed together. Would we still kiss each other with that same unbearable hunger we once had? Would we still lose ourselves in each other’s eyes, letting our bodies and silence speak whenever words failed to explain what we felt? Would we still count the days until we could finally see one another again? Would tears still gather in our eyes at the mere thought of losing each other?

Or maybe we would have discovered a completely different kind of love.

I will probably never know the answer to any of these questions. And that is the tragedy of it all.
How heartbreaking it is that we are no longer in each other’s lives, and even more painful that I cannot feel you anymore. I cannot hold you tightly and cling to your clothes so you cannot leave my arms. You cannot pull me into your embrace with those strong hands and arms, lift me around your waist, spin me in circles, and dance with me anymore. You cannot sing your favorite songs to me anymore.

How cruel it is to live in the same city as you, yet feel your breath so impossibly far from mine.

Living with memories hurts. Passing by the places we once shared hurts. Because every memory makes me crave the sweetness of those moments again. My mind longs for the sweetness more than it remembers the bitterness. It forgets that you were the one who chose to leave. It forgets that I asked you not to go. I asked you to listen to your heart before you answered me, and you still said leaving was better.
I never understood for whom it was better.
Perhaps only for you.

Sometimes my mind deceives me and only brings back the beautiful days — the days when you were the truest feeling I had ever known inside myself. Sometimes I wonder if I loved you more than I loved myself, because even now, thinking about you still brings tears to my eyes. Even now, I still ache from missing you.

They say love is like this.
Maybe they are right.

Because I truly loved you. You were never an ordinary love to me. You were beyond that. Deeper than that. You were the sun in this cold world of mine. You were my moon — sometimes full, sometimes crescent, sometimes hidden in darkness. To my eyes, you were devastatingly beautiful. If someone asked me what I loved most about you, I would probably say every inch of your face and body. But your smile… your laughter… my entire soul aches to hear it again, to see it on your face one more time.

I wish I knew if you are happy now.
How your days and nights pass.
Whether you found the lost part of yourself you were searching for.
Whether you finally made peace with your own soul.

There are so many things I still want to ask you. But I know I will probably never find the answers to the questions that live endlessly inside my mind. I am left alone with unanswered questions.

And if somehow I could go back in time, I would still choose to fall in love with you all over again. I would still choose to touch you, to speak to you, to know you. Even if my mind screamed, “Have you lost your mind after all the pain you endured?” I would answer yes. Because somehow this pain carried me into a kind of spiritual depth I cannot even describe. Even to myself, it feels mysterious.

I do not know how you did it, but you became my favorite person, my favorite story, my favorite chapter, my favorite poem, my favorite book…
and in the end,
my favorite stranger.

And I will miss you forever.

Ashley the name you gave me

My heart misses you with the weight of every day I spent with you, and every day I have spent without you.
Sometimes I wonder what we would have become if we had stayed together. Would we still kiss each other with that same unbearable hunger we once had? Would we still lose ourselves in each other’s eyes, letting our bodies and silence speak whenever words failed to explain what we felt? Would we still count the days until we could finally see one another again? Would tears still gather in our eyes at the mere thought of losing each other?

Or maybe we would have discovered a completely different kind of love.

I will probably never know the answer to any of these questions. And that is the tragedy of it all.
How heartbreaking it is that we are no longer in each other’s lives, and even more painful that I cannot feel you anymore. I cannot hold you tightly and cling to your clothes so you cannot leave my arms. You cannot pull me into your embrace with those strong hands and arms, lift me around your waist, spin me in circles, and dance with me anymore. You cannot sing your favorite songs to me anymore.

How cruel it is to live in the same city as you, yet feel your breath so impossibly far from mine.

Living with memories hurts. Passing by the places we once shared hurts. Because every memory makes me crave the sweetness of those moments again. My mind longs for the sweetness more than it remembers the bitterness. It forgets that you were the one who chose to leave. It forgets that I asked you not to go. I asked you to listen to your heart before you answered me, and you still said leaving was better.
I never understood for whom it was better.
Perhaps only for you.

Sometimes my mind deceives me and only brings back the beautiful days — the days when you were the truest feeling I had ever known inside myself. Sometimes I wonder if I loved you more than I loved myself, because even now, thinking about you still brings tears to my eyes. Even now, I still ache from missing you.

They say love is like this.
Maybe they are right.

Because I truly loved you. You were never an ordinary love to me. You were beyond that. Deeper than that. You were the sun in this cold world of mine. You were my moon — sometimes full, sometimes crescent, sometimes hidden in darkness. To my eyes, you were devastatingly beautiful. If someone asked me what I loved most about you, I would probably say every inch of your face and body. But your smile… your laughter… my entire soul aches to hear it again, to see it on your face one more time.

I wish I knew if you are happy now.
How your days and nights pass.
Whether you found the lost part of yourself you were searching for.
Whether you finally made peace with your own soul.

There are so many things I still want to ask you. But I know I will probably never find the answers to the questions that live endlessly inside my mind. I am left alone with unanswered questions.

And if somehow I could go back in time, I would still choose to fall in love with you all over again. I would still choose to touch you, to speak to you, to know you. Even if my mind screamed, “Have you lost your mind after all the pain you endured?” I would answer yes. Because somehow this pain carried me into a kind of spiritual depth I cannot even describe. Even to myself, it feels mysterious.

I do not know how you did it, but you became my favorite person, my favorite story, my favorite chapter, my favorite poem, my favorite book…
and in the end,
my favorite stranger.

And I will miss you forever.

Ashley the name you gave me

My heart misses you with the weight of every day I spent with you, and every day I have spent without you.
Sometimes I wonder what we would have become if we had stayed together. Would we still kiss each other with that same unbearable hunger we once had? Would we still lose ourselves in each other’s eyes, letting our bodies and silence speak whenever words failed to explain what we felt? Would we still count the days until we could finally see one another again? Would tears still gather in our eyes at the mere thought of losing each other?

Or maybe we would have discovered a completely different kind of love.

I will probably never know the answer to any of these questions. And that is the tragedy of it all.
How heartbreaking it is that we are no longer in each other’s lives, and even more painful that I cannot feel you anymore. I cannot hold you tightly and cling to your clothes so you cannot leave my arms. You cannot pull me into your embrace with those strong hands and arms, lift me around your waist, spin me in circles, and dance with me anymore. You cannot sing your favorite songs to me anymore.

How cruel it is to live in the same city as you, yet feel your breath so impossibly far from mine.

Living with memories hurts. Passing by the places we once shared hurts. Because every memory makes me crave the sweetness of those moments again. My mind longs for the sweetness more than it remembers the bitterness. It forgets that you were the one who chose to leave. It forgets that I asked you not to go. I asked you to listen to your heart before you answered me, and you still said leaving was better.
I never understood for whom it was better.
Perhaps only for you.

Sometimes my mind deceives me and only brings back the beautiful days — the days when you were the truest feeling I had ever known inside myself. Sometimes I wonder if I loved you more than I loved myself, because even now, thinking about you still brings tears to my eyes. Even now, I still ache from missing you.

They say love is like this.
Maybe they are right.

Because I truly loved you. You were never an ordinary love to me. You were beyond that. Deeper than that. You were the sun in this cold world of mine. You were my moon — sometimes full, sometimes crescent, sometimes hidden in darkness. To my eyes, you were devastatingly beautiful. If someone asked me what I loved most about you, I would probably say every inch of your face and body. But your smile… your laughter… my entire soul aches to hear it again, to see it on your face one more time.

I wish I knew if you are happy now.
How your days and nights pass.
Whether you found the lost part of yourself you were searching for.
Whether you finally made peace with your own soul.

There are so many things I still want to ask you. But I know I will probably never find the answers to the questions that live endlessly inside my mind. I am left alone with unanswered questions.

And if somehow I could go back in time, I would still choose to fall in love with you all over again. I would still choose to touch you, to speak to you, to know you. Even if my mind screamed, “Have you lost your mind after all the pain you endured?” I would answer yes. Because somehow this pain carried me into a kind of spiritual depth I cannot even describe. Even to myself, it feels mysterious.

I do not know how you did it, but you became my favorite person, my favorite story, my favorite chapter, my favorite poem, my favorite book…
and in the end,
my favorite stranger.

And I will miss you forever.

Ashley the name you gave me

My heart misses you with the weight of every day I spent with you, and every day I have spent without you.
Sometimes I wonder what we would have become if we had stayed together. Would we still kiss each other with that same unbearable hunger we once had? Would we still lose ourselves in each other’s eyes, letting our bodies and silence speak whenever words failed to explain what we felt? Would we still count the days until we could finally see one another again? Would tears still gather in our eyes at the mere thought of losing each other?

Or maybe we would have discovered a completely different kind of love.

I will probably never know the answer to any of these questions. And that is the tragedy of it all.
How heartbreaking it is that we are no longer in each other’s lives, and even more painful that I cannot feel you anymore. I cannot hold you tightly and cling to your clothes so you cannot leave my arms. You cannot pull me into your embrace with those strong hands and arms, lift me around your waist, spin me in circles, and dance with me anymore. You cannot sing your favorite songs to me anymore.

How cruel it is to live in the same city as you, yet feel your breath so impossibly far from mine.

Living with memories hurts. Passing by the places we once shared hurts. Because every memory makes me crave the sweetness of those moments again. My mind longs for the sweetness more than it remembers the bitterness. It forgets that you were the one who chose to leave. It forgets that I asked you not to go. I asked you to listen to your heart before you answered me, and you still said leaving was better.
I never understood for whom it was better.
Perhaps only for you.

Sometimes my mind deceives me and only brings back the beautiful days — the days when you were the truest feeling I had ever known inside myself. Sometimes I wonder if I loved you more than I loved myself, because even now, thinking about you still brings tears to my eyes. Even now, I still ache from missing you.

They say love is like this.
Maybe they are right.

Because I truly loved you. You were never an ordinary love to me. You were beyond that. Deeper than that. You were the sun in this cold world of mine. You were my moon — sometimes full, sometimes crescent, sometimes hidden in darkness. To my eyes, you were devastatingly beautiful. If someone asked me what I loved most about you, I would probably say every inch of your face and body. But your smile… your laughter… my entire soul aches to hear it again, to see it on your face one more time.

I wish I knew if you are happy now.
How your days and nights pass.
Whether you found the lost part of yourself you were searching for.
Whether you finally made peace with your own soul.

There are so many things I still want to ask you. But I know I will probably never find the answers to the questions that live endlessly inside my mind. I am left alone with unanswered questions.

And if somehow I could go back in time, I would still choose to fall in love with you all over again. I would still choose to touch you, to speak to you, to know you. Even if my mind screamed, “Have you lost your mind after all the pain you endured?” I would answer yes. Because somehow this pain carried me into a kind of spiritual depth I cannot even describe. Even to myself, it feels mysterious.

I do not know how you did it, but you became my favorite person, my favorite story, my favorite chapter, my favorite poem, my favorite book…
and in the end,
my favorite stranger.

And I will miss you forever.

Ashley the name you gave me

My heart misses you with the weight of every day I spent with you, and every day I have spent without you.
Sometimes I wonder what we would have become if we had stayed together. Would we still kiss each other with that same unbearable hunger we once had? Would we still lose ourselves in each other’s eyes, letting our bodies and silence speak whenever words failed to explain what we felt? Would we still count the days until we could finally see one another again? Would tears still gather in our eyes at the mere thought of losing each other?

Or maybe we would have discovered a completely different kind of love.

I will probably never know the answer to any of these questions. And that is the tragedy of it all.
How heartbreaking it is that we are no longer in each other’s lives, and even more painful that I cannot feel you anymore. I cannot hold you tightly and cling to your clothes so you cannot leave my arms. You cannot pull me into your embrace with those strong hands and arms, lift me around your waist, spin me in circles, and dance with me anymore. You cannot sing your favorite songs to me anymore.

How cruel it is to live in the same city as you, yet feel your breath so impossibly far from mine.

Living with memories hurts. Passing by the places we once shared hurts. Because every memory makes me crave the sweetness of those moments again. My mind longs for the sweetness more than it remembers the bitterness. It forgets that you were the one who chose to leave. It forgets that I asked you not to go. I asked you to listen to your heart before you answered me, and you still said leaving was better.
I never understood for whom it was better.
Perhaps only for you.

Sometimes my mind deceives me and only brings back the beautiful days — the days when you were the truest feeling I had ever known inside myself. Sometimes I wonder if I loved you more than I loved myself, because even now, thinking about you still brings tears to my eyes. Even now, I still ache from missing you.

They say love is like this.
Maybe they are right.

Because I truly loved you. You were never an ordinary love to me. You were beyond that. Deeper than that. You were the sun in this cold world of mine. You were my moon — sometimes full, sometimes crescent, sometimes hidden in darkness. To my eyes, you were devastatingly beautiful. If someone asked me what I loved most about you, I would probably say every inch of your face and body. But your smile… your laughter… my entire soul aches to hear it again, to see it on your face one more time.

I wish I knew if you are happy now.
How your days and nights pass.
Whether you found the lost part of yourself you were searching for.
Whether you finally made peace with your own soul.

There are so many things I still want to ask you. But I know I will probably never find the answers to the questions that live endlessly inside my mind. I am left alone with unanswered questions.

And if somehow I could go back in time, I would still choose to fall in love with you all over again. I would still choose to touch you, to speak to you, to know you. Even if my mind screamed, “Have you lost your mind after all the pain you endured?” I would answer yes. Because somehow this pain carried me into a kind of spiritual depth I cannot even describe. Even to myself, it feels mysterious.

I do not know how you did it, but you became my favorite person, my favorite story, my favorite chapter, my favorite poem, my favorite book…
and in the end,
my favorite stranger.

And I will miss you forever.

Ashley the name you gave me

I long to make a home inside my dreams

those painted, honeyed nights,

like the one that held me yesterday.

What a gentle deception it was…

You found me there again,

wearing that same quiet beauty

that once unraveled me.

Lately, you’ve been visiting often,

slipping into my sleep without warning,

but last night,

you were not a shadow of memory.

You were real.

Achingly, impossibly real.

It felt as though time had softened its cruelty,

as though the world had folded in on itself

just to return you to me.

I reached for you,

and when our lips met,

when your presence wrapped around me,

nothing had changed.

You were still

that familiar sweetness,

that unspoken calm,

that refuge I never meant to lose.

Your eyes held mine the same way,

your breath still carried the same warmth—

as if absence had never touched us,

as if you had never left.

How could I not miss you like this?

Even the hidden parts of me ache for you—

the silent corners of my mind

that summon you when I can no longer bear the waking world.

Maybe that’s why you come back,

not by chance,

but by longing.

If only my playful little cat

hadn’t stolen me away from you…

If only I could have stayed

just a moment longer

to memorize your face again,

to linger in your presence,

to feel my fingers disappear

between yours.

Lately, I welcome sleep

like a secret escape,

because this reality I inhabit

is dull, tasteless, incomplete.

It does not carry you.

And I find myself craving something

I haven’t touched in far too long,

a feeling, a flavor, a closeness…

that tastes like you.

If only I could remain there,

in that gentler version of time,

where I am not forgotten,

where your love has not faded,

where we still belong to each other

without question.

A softer world,

a kinder fate

the one that only exists

when I close my eyes.

Ashley the name you gave me

My dearest mother,

Today is your third birthday that I am not by your side. Three years have passed since the last time I saw you—since the last moment I felt your warm embrace and held your gentle hands.

Mother, I am so deeply grateful that I grew within you, that I felt you, that I lived every emotion you carried. I was so lucky to be born of you, to call you mine.

The longing I carry for you is beyond words. I miss you—so much it aches. I miss your hands… hands that, whenever I looked at them, reminded me of all the sacrifices you made for me and for our family. I wish, just for this moment, I could place my delicate hands into yours again and feel you… just like when I was a child, when you would hold my hand so tightly as we walked and shopped together. Sometimes it hurt, and I didn’t understand why—but you were afraid I might get lost. And when I grew older, I realized… what a beautiful kind of pain that was.

Mother, I miss the way you would stroke my hair and braid it from behind. No one braids my hair the way you did… no one ever could.

In this distant land, not a single moment has passed without me thinking of the life we shared in our warm homeland. I miss my past. I miss the days when I lived with you and father. Sometimes I wonder… if I could go back, would I still choose to leave? This land awakened feelings in me I never even knew existed. My words are too small for what I have felt—but the deepest of them all is the ache of missing you… and my beloved family.

Mother, how I need your embrace—the warmest place in this world. Sometimes, I want nothing from life except to be with you.

I wish you had been beside me when I truly experienced love… and when my heart was broken. I wish I could have rested my head on your shoulder and cried. Mother, isn’t it strange? The man I loved was from this land… yet to me, he smelled like home. He carried the feeling of home. Maybe that’s why I still cannot forget him—why the thought of him still burns deeply in my heart. Who can ever truly let go of their home?

I wish you had been here… your presence might have softened this pain.

There are so many questions in my mind with no answers. I wonder… if we had not lived in the Middle East, if we were not from our beautiful Iran, what would our lives have been? Would we still be together? Perhaps you would have never asked me to step into an unfamiliar world, to migrate to a distant land for a better future. Perhaps I would have never experienced love the way I did here… never met the love of my life, and never carried the sorrow he left behind. And a hundred other feelings I cannot even name.

Maybe right now, you and I would be sitting together beside my playful cats… and I would not carry the regret of not seeing father one last time before he left for a better world.

Mother… my sorrow is heavy. So heavy. The pain of not seeing you, my sisters, my cats… the pain of not seeing father one last time… and the silence of the love of my life—his silence is like a thunder to me, just like the last words he spoke.

Mother, I must confess… sometimes I feel a quiet jealousy when I see my students come to class with their mothers. I wish you were there too. I wish you stood beside me, moving with me, as I helped calm your body and your mind.

Sometimes, I see women whose faces resemble yours—not as beautiful as you, but even their gaze is enough to fill my eyes with tears.

My kind mother, I thank you—for everything you have done for me from the very beginning until today. Every day, I wait with a special longing for your call… and now, even the internet has been taken from you and the whole country , and I am deprived of seeing your beloved face, even through a screen.

Happy birthday, my mother.
Until the day we meet again… I kiss you with all my love.

Your youngest daughter,
Vazheh

How I wish I were a bird…
resting gently in the loving hands of my mother.