u/NearbyAbrocoma659

How to stop yearning to be chosen?

So loads of childhood and marital trauma here - anyway it all boils down to a fear of abandonment, so high, that I rarely get close to people.

Now I'm on dating apps, and I seem to not find anyone, and if I found someone bare minimum (like really bare minimum on text) I keep yearning about - please let them choose me.

The good thing is - I understand that I have a pattern of being anxiously attached and this yearning to be chosen. Now I want to learn how to not be this involved emotionally.

And Yeah - I have hobbies. I eat well. I have started learning classical dance. I read. I communicate well. I'm talented - intelligent, sings reasonably well, dances good. I'm known to be witty and generally a good person. People have told me (includes my therapist) that I'll be a good partner and i shouldn't invest my energy on people who can only offer bare minimum. Now logically, I know this. It's emotionally, I just need someone to choose me. How do I get over this?

So loads of childhood and marital trauma here - anyway it all boils down to a fear of abandonment, so high, that I rarely get close to people.

Now I'm on dating apps, and I seem to not find anyone, and if I found someone bare minimum (like really bare minimum on text) I keep yearning about - please let them choose me.

The good thing is - I understand that I have a pattern of being anxiously attached and this yearning to be chosen. Now I want to learn how to not be this involved emotionally.

And Yeah - I have hobbies. I eat well. I have started learning classical dance. I read. I communicate well. I'm talented - intelligent, sings reasonably well, dances good. I'm known to be witty and generally a good person. People have told me (includes my therapist) that I'll be a good partner and i shouldn't invest my energy on people who can only offer bare minimum. Now logically, I know this. It's emotionally, I just need someone to choose me. How do I get over this?

Trigger warning: Domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse

So i have been trying to get a divorce from my narrative husband for 2 years now.

The why: First it was just neglect. I got pregnant in the 5th month of our marriage, had a baby and then it escalated to verbal and emotional abuse - minimising my decisions, contempt on my style, you all know the gist. I went to my parents in 2021 and the usual family negotiations happened and my father told me to give my ex a chance, for his sake. Me being the good girl, agreed.

I willfully gave up my job for something, and the next two years, it escalated to financial and sexual abuse. I have literally not had any companionship or warmth from this dude. I have only suffered neglect, contempt and loads of health issues by walking over eggshells keeping his temper in check.

Now : i got another job, so I'm relatively financially secure now. But my son is with him, by a twist of fate. And only because of him and the trauma he will suffer, i didn't tell him anything. I just told him that mumma wants a divorce because mumma doesn't want to be with daddy as his wife and we would just rather be friends. And i keep going monthly once to meet my kid.

Throughout all these months, he kept calling my parents, my siblings, my uncle (anyone who would support me) to convince me to give him one more chance. (Triangulation). My parents are so convinced that i had to finally go no contact with them, due to the stress they were giving me. (They have historically guilttripped me into many decisions, including into this marriage).

Today : I went to meet my kid, and i had accusations thrown at me that - for what pleasure are you hurting the kid, i don't know what I have done this much, like he had been the best husband possible and I'm the bad person in this. That he's crying every day looking at my photo (lolol).

I have been silently carrying this - not letting my kid know what actually happened, or why i have taken this decision, and trying for a mutual divorce and not filing a DV case or anything. (I have a voice recording of his father telling me that he has anger issues and now since I'm married, i should just suck it up because what can I do).

But today i feel so upset - that I'm being smeared as the bad person. That I'm breaking apart the family. They are telling to not divorce till our son becomes 18 and if i want, live separately, but not take a divorce. Why do i need the paper!

I already have suicidal ideation. Today life feels insurmountable. Like it'll never get better because of this narcissist i got married to in arranged marriage.

Trigger warning: Domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse

So i have been trying to get a divorce from my narrative husband for 2 years now.

The why: First it was just neglect. I got pregnant in the 5th month of our marriage, had a baby and then it escalated to verbal and emotional abuse - minimising my decisions, contempt on my style, you all know the gist. I went to my parents in 2021 and the usual family negotiations happened and my father told me to give my ex a chance, for his sake. Me being the good girl, agreed.

I willfully gave up my job for something, and the next two years, it escalated to financial and sexual abuse. I have literally not had any companionship or warmth from this dude. I have only suffered neglect, contempt and loads of health issues by walking over eggshells keeping his temper in check.

Now : i got another job, so I'm relatively financially secure now. But my son is with him, by a twist of fate. And only because of him and the trauma he will suffer, i didn't tell him anything. I just told him that mumma wants a divorce because mumma doesn't want to be with daddy as his wife and we would just rather be friends. And i keep going monthly once to meet my kid.

Throughout all these months, he kept calling my parents, my siblings, my uncle (anyone who would support me) to convince me to give him one more chance. (Triangulation). My parents are so convinced that i had to finally go no contact with them, due to the stress they were giving me. (They have historically guilttripped me into many decisions, including into this marriage).

Today : I went to meet my kid, and i had accusations thrown at me that - for what pleasure are you hurting the kid, i don't know what I have done this much, like he had been the best husband possible and I'm the bad person in this. That he's crying every day looking at my photo (lolol).

I have been silently carrying this - not letting my kid know what actually happened, or why i have taken this decision, and trying for a mutual divorce and not filing a DV case or anything. (I have a voice recording of his father telling me that he has anger issues and now since I'm married, i should just suck it up because what can I do).

But today i feel so upset - that I'm being smeared as the bad person. That I'm breaking apart the family. They are telling to not divorce till our son becomes 18 and if i want, live separately, but not take a divorce. Why do i need the paper!

I already have suicidal ideation. Today life feels insurmountable. Like it'll never get better because of this narcissist i got married to in arranged marriage.

Trigger warning: Domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse

So i have been trying to get a divorce from my narrative husband for 2 years now.

The why: First it was just neglect. I got pregnant in the 5th month of our marriage, had a baby and then it escalated to verbal and emotional abuse - minimising my decisions, contempt on my style, you all know the gist. I went to my parents in 2021 and the usual family negotiations happened and my father told me to give my ex a chance, for his sake. Me being the good girl, agreed.

I willfully gave up my job for something, and the next two years, it escalated to financial and sexual abuse. I have literally not had any companionship or warmth from this dude. I have only suffered neglect, contempt and loads of health issues by walking over eggshells keeping his temper in check.

Now : i got another job, so I'm relatively financially secure now. But my son is with him, by a twist of fate. And only because of him and the trauma he will suffer, i didn't tell him anything. I just told him that mumma wants a divorce because mumma doesn't want to be with daddy as his wife and we would just rather be friends. And i keep going monthly once to meet my kid.

Throughout all these months, he kept calling my parents, my siblings, my uncle (anyone who would support me) to convince me to give him one more chance. (Triangulation). My parents are so convinced that i had to finally go no contact with them, due to the stress they were giving me. (They have historically guilttripped me into many decisions, including into this marriage).

Today : I went to meet my kid, and i had accusations thrown at me that - for what pleasure are you hurting the kid, i don't know what I have done this much, like he had been the best husband possible and I'm the bad person in this. That he's crying every day looking at my photo (lolol).

I have been silently carrying this - not letting my kid know what actually happened, or why i have taken this decision, and trying for a mutual divorce and not filing a DV case or anything. (I have a voice recording of his father telling me that he has anger issues and now since I'm married, i should just suck it up because what can I do).

But today i feel so upset - that I'm being smeared as the bad person. That I'm breaking apart the family. They are telling to not divorce till our son becomes 18 and if i want, live separately, but not take a divorce. Why do i need the paper!

I already have suicidal ideation. Today life feels insurmountable. Like it'll never get better because of this narcissist i got married to in arranged marriage.

OP may have gotten a date. We are in two different cities. However we are planning to meet up soon. Seems respectful on the app. Have been talking on and off for over a month now. I initiated for shifting to insta. He didn't push for it and I read it as him letting me set the pace.

But there is this fear lurking inside of me, that what is the chance I'll actually meet someone halfway decent and if i meet also, why would they go for me. 😬 So i keep having this suspicion that there's a catch. And there's something like a hidden motive.

For context: Starting to date the first time after an abusive marriage of 10 years (has started the process for divorce recently). With therapy and stuff, getting my joy and sex drive back. Again, even my libido feels funny, since I have actually not felt the need for years, maybe.

I don't know what advice I'm seeking. But really, do good men exist on these apps? All I've ever seen in 2 months of usage is that most pivot to sex or rush things or act cocky. But I keep feeling there's an agenda I'm missing. 😐

I saw this documentary about a fundamentalist cult led by Samuel Bateman.

Such a narcissistic, narcissistic man who used Christianity and the teachings of the Bible to harm little children for his depraved satisfaction.

I hope he rots in jail. And he gets his justice.

But I'm now facing a crisis of faith and of trust. Like how do you understand what all you have been taught are true.

I'm not minimising what happened to these girls - it's far more horrific than anything i have faced.

I'm a catholic and we were sent to Sunday school for 12 years since 1st standard. Effectively, i was taught to keep myself pure and stuff. And therefore, i stayed off dating. Got married in an arranged marriage. That too to an abusive person. I stayed in that abuse for 8 years before i recognized stuff, and to this day i think, if it wasn't for the value system drilled into me, i would have left years ago.

I know all religions have this tendency. But i have lost all my connection to God, and it has left me sad. But i can't really wrap my mind around to seek God out when it's god's name that has been used for this.

Hello ladies. I'm a person currently employed with the Govt of India in a pretty good post, honestly.

However, life has taken a turn. I'm just getting out of a horribly abusive relationship. I would really like to not be alone, and have a partner, but Indian society seems too judgemental to allow that. And the men, honestly, are a nightmare. Most men seem to see me as an easy target.

I'm heartbroken. Tbh. And I have a kid, who will most probably choose to spend most of his time with his father, because well, my ex is far more successful at manipulation than me. (I understand this, because it took me a good 8 years to understand the abuse, and my parents haven't understood anything despite me explaining everything for the past 2 years - he's still the perfect son in law who has a few faults, and i don't seem to have the ability to forgive what he said in jest (called me a whore, called me mentally unstable, refused to buy me a sanitary napkin when on period - my fault because I didn't plan it properly). Anyway. You all get the gist.

So my job is fine, but being in India and spending my life in India actually seems awful. I want to migrate to some place which is more accommodating of women who get divorced. Also, I'm a woman from a minority community (catholic).

I have a working experience of 10 years now. But I'm sure this experience doesn't actually count as a good experience for any sort of job in any of the western countries.

Can someone guide me a little on how to work towards migrating? If it's some course or skill I need to learn, I'll do that.

I just no longer want to stay in India anymore. It just seems to be a place with too many bad memories. I just want to escape to some place.

[supprimé]

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I Tried the website astrorishi.ai

It predicted a lot of things that happened in the past with good accuracy. I really was taken aback. I don't know the technicalities of astrology and was concerned more about why something was happening. And i got a scary accurate account of what has happened. I'm hoping what it said for the future will hold as good as it was at predicting the past.

This is not my tool. I am using this for some days now.

Go try it guys! The chat feature is extremely good!

It predicted a lot of things that happened in the past with good accuracy. I really was taken aback. I don't know the technicalities of astrology and was concerned more about why something was happening. And i got a scary accurate account of what has happened.

Overall - really good. But how to get credits? Do you have a pay option?

Tried the website astrorishi.ai

It predicted a lot of things that happened in the past with good accuracy. I really was taken aback. I don't know the technicalities of astrology and was concerned more about why something was happening. And i got a scary accurate account of what has happened.

Go try it guys! The chat feature is extremely good!

So I'm 34, getting divorced and have a kid who is 9 yo.

I love kids, always wanted to have 2 or 3 kids, but the husband turned out an asshole and it actually breaks my heart that I can't have one more kid or give my kid a sibling.

I'm now considering between adoption and IVF, maybe and I wanted to know the condition of my fertility - because this marriage of 10 years has sucked the soul out of me, given me all sorts of diseases like PCOS, depression and everything, and I just want to know whether my fertility is also shot!

So can anyone guide me on the cost of the AMH test?

So older sister here from Keralam.

Marriage of 10 years - knew I had to walk out 5 years ago. Separated 2 years ago. Going to file for divorce soon. Was abusive and neglectful to the core. Had a child and didn't know how to walk out. And healing from the trauma, depression and anxiety it caused me.

Lost my heart to a 'friend' who didn't want to be the man I needed, despite all the actions of a partner.

Now I want to meet people and try dating. I have no idea how. I tried dating apps - but it's either men desperate for sex (what ya wearing in the first 30 minutes) or manipulative men (stuff like I feel so close to you, I feel like you understand me at a deeper level in the first 30 minutes). Dating apps may not be for me.

I'm in a rural part of Kerala - so no provision of going out and meeting a random guy.

What do I do?

I'm lonely. I'm lonelier than the last dodo on earth. Had no game to start with before marriage and have been married way back in childhood (24 years old).