u/NoAnswer01456

Une amiE (désolé pour la faute)

En gros, je me questionne, mais je suis assez sûr d’être non-binaire maintenant (ou transmasc, mais je suis moins sûr de ce côté là dans le sens ou je peux avoir des périodes ou je veux paraitre plus "femme", c'est bizarre.)

Je ne ressens pas énormément de dysphorie (parfois, quand je m’habille sans binder et que je vois ma poitrine, ou ces derniers temps quand on m’appelle “elle” sans hésitation, même si je viens à peine de commencer à essayer de paraître androgyne / plus masculin — donc forcément je ne “passe” pas encore. Et même là je me demande si mon envie de passer vient du fait que je suis transmasc/non binaire/quelque chose, ou si je veux juste ne pas être moi? Ou "avoir l'air" trans? C'est bizarre et plutôt frustrant...), mais je ressens de l'euphorie quand je m’habille ou que je me présente de façon plus masculine, si ça a du sens.

L’autre jour, j’avais envie de demander à une de mes amies proches de parler de moi avec des pronoms et adjectifs masculins, pour tester, parce que je sais que j’aime bien m’auto-désigner avec des pronoms/adjectifs/grammaires plutôt masculins (je fais en sorte de me genrer masc quand j'écris, ce qui est assez discret puisqu'en général ça passe pour une erreur) (et dans ma tête j'ai récemment commencé à essayer un nouveau nom, aussi), mais je ne sais pas si j’aimerais que les autres parlent de moi de cette manière (je pense que oui, mais d'après moi, on ne peut pas vraiment savoir sans essayer). Je n’ai pas réussi à lui demander. L’occasion était là et je n’ai rien dit. J’ai peur d’être un “trender” ou un truc comme ça, ou d’être rejeté, même si objectivement tout le monde (on est trois) dans mon groupe d’amis proches est déjà gay, bi ou ace, donc c’est un groupe assez queer-friendly.

J’ai peur de faire tout tourner autour de moi ou quelque chose comme ça. Elle me ramenait juste en voiture après la première fois qu'un ami a chanté sur scène pendant la fête de la musique, et je ne voulais pas finir cette journée en faisant un “moi moi moi", si ça a du sens ?

Désolé si ce que je dis est offensant ou quoi, je suis très nouveau dans cette exploration de cette partie de moi.

Est-ce que d’autres ont déjà ressenti ça ? Comment vous avez fait ?

(Note: cette amie sait que je me questionne/que je me teste, et elle n'a pas l'air d'être gênée (elle n'en parle pas depuis la fois ou je lui en ai parlé), mais j'ai quand même peur d'aller trop loin)

I hope the flair fits. So, I'm mostly questioning, but pretty sure I'm some kind of NB by now. I don't feel dysphoria a whole lot (sometimes when I dress without binder and see my chest, or lately when I'm called "she/her" without any hesitation, even though I just barely started trying to pass as androgynous/male leaning, so of course I don't pass yet), but do feel a lot of euphoria when I dress/present more masc, if that makes sense?

The other day, I wanted to ask a close friend of mine to call me by masc pronouns/adjectives, for experimentation's sake, because I know I like referring to myself with masc leaning pronouns/adjectives, but dunno if I would like others referring to me as such (I think so, but my philosophy is you can't know unless you gave it a shot). I couldn't bring myself to do it. The occasion was right there and I didn't say anything. I'm scared of being a so-called "trender" or smth, or being rejected, even though, objectively, everyone (three of us) in the close friend group is either gay, bi or ace already, so it's a pretty queer inclusive group.

I'm afraid of making it "all about me", or smth. She was just driving me back from a friend's first time singing on stage, and I didn't want to end this on "me me me", yk?

Sorry if any of what I said is offensive or smth, I'm very new to digging into that part of myself.

Anyone else felt that way? How did you deal with it?

I can do a few push ups from the last step of my stairs by now, and I can push myself off the floor if I am on my knees and lift my hips first but that's not a push up, and I feel so close!

I needed to say that somewhere, it's just very frustrating. How do I get to that last step that will let me do actual push ups?

Any advice? Sorry for the way I write, english is not my first language.

I don't know who I'm saying it to, exactly, mainly this community, I think?

I have had suicidal tendencies lately, and I dunno if it's the meds really helping or smth, but since I started mentally questioning myself/identifying more as NB, I've felt a bit better about myself?

Better enough to start caring about how I dress/look/clean a bit more/sports/being healthier etc, anyways.

I just hope it isn't a motivation burst that will fade...

But thank you all.

I don't know why I'm making this post, I just needed to scream in the void for a bit, I think...

I think I'm nonbinary by now, maybe masc leaning? Or Agender? I'm not sure, still doing inner looking... I just don't think I'd care if I were to be mistaken for a dude (hell, I'm kinda annoyed it never happens even when I've been trying as for the last few weeks, but oh well, although I know my face certainly looks girly and I do still present more than enough fem traits to be clocked as AFAB immediately, but whatever...). What I do know for sure is that I wanna be more masc, I'm in love with my binder (lol), and now I've seen testosterone come up a few times in my researches, and, well... I don't know if I should try it... What does it do exactly? I've seen people talk about going on and off? What does that do?

In any case, I know I'm not doing it atm, I'm in a pretty bad phase of my life, to the point my doctor doesn't think it's a good idea I get my first tattoo right now (even if I've been thinking about it for a year, he still thinks that the darker ideas and impulses could come back if I were to dislike the tattoo), so I doubt there's a chance in hell he'd greenlit me going on T. Plus: if the changes are too much I just won't be able to do shit about it, because my family and the folks where I live aren't too big on LGBT (my mom wouldn't get it but she'd get over it... Not so sure about the other two)... Gotta wait for me to be more clear minded to think all this through but still thought I'd ask what I should expect.

Also some dude in another sub seems to think I won't ever be able to learn to "act" masculine without T, so I'd like to know what that meant? I mean, I know some things in how men act is linked to biology, but it can't be everything when it comes to how you act, I'm sure?

I miscalculated and wore my binder from 2 pm to 1 am (big outing with friends, it was awesome). I don't do this every day so I'm not too scared of long lasting effects, but I'm sure the light soreness I'm feeling now that it's off will be full on pain tomorrow. Any tips on how to manage it when it's here?

Just the title. I don't mind or anything, it's sweet, although confusing/mildly time consuming, I'm just curious why he does this?

Long story short: I figured I was aro/ace during an OCD spiral that made me look back into my relationship with "love" and "sex" and look closer into the LGBTQ+ umbrella, and I found that out about myself.

Recently had a rather violent depressive episode and it got myself questioning on what I am, gender wise- I dunno, it just came to me-. And I am trying to figure out if I'm somewhere on the NB umbrella or some kind of tomboy, because what is for sure is that I sure do feel better with my binder and with manlier/androgynous clothes...

So I dunno, does any of you people have had "revelations" about yourself during spirals? What does it say about my mental health? Are my feelings real or a fluke? It's all so weird.

Long story short: I figured I was aro/ace during an OCD spiral that made me look back into my relationship with "love" and "sex" and look closer into the LGBTQ+ umbrella, and I found that out about myself.

Recently had a rather violent depressive episode and it got myself questioning on what I am, gender wise- I dunno, it just came to me-. And I am trying to figure out if I'm somewhere on the NB umbrella or some kind of tomboy, because what is for sure is that I sure do feel better with my binder and with manlier/androgynous clothes...

So I dunno, does any of you people have had "revelations" about yourself during spirals? What does it say about my mental health? Are my feelings real or a fluke? It's all so weird.

I don't think I really cared about my breasts at all before I began binding (didn't even put any bra on since mid-high school, I think), but ever since I started putting on my binder almost every day, I just started disliking my breasts more? I noticed today when I saw myself without anything but a shirt on in front of the mirror. It was weird. Is that normal?

(On the other hand, I squeal whenever I see my binder making my chest man-level flat, and keep readjusting when it looks too "feminine". I'm almost scared to wear it out early with how much I started doing it...)