u/No_Freedom9720

I wanted to reset tolerance, got off it for 3 days, then snapped back on it and now it works even worse for alertness and concentration, and upping the dose more leads to sleepyness. WTF I never felt sleepy from caff before

I can't stop thinking about suicide everyday. I have a lot of problems and most of them are not under my control or the mental state I'm in doesn't allow to solve them. I have an appointment with psychiatrist booked in some time and in another place adhd evaluation appointment (I have suspection written from pt for adhd and aspergers and I believe I have it). I feel immence tiredness and lack of sence because of constant misunderstanding and life just punching me in the face for trying. I really need advice on how to act or what to tell the doctors, what to point out in priority. I might have developed depression or trauma on top of that but I don't want it to interfere with adhd treatment because I had issues with it my whole life, long before getting into the state I am now.

I have intrusive thoughts of how I was mentally abused, suspected hf autism, adhd. Trauma because of how I need to go out of my own way to mask in that environment, how I got into a worst meltdown of my life, needed to be alone for a few months to recover, and now I have this. It would be ok if at least my struggles were aqcknowleged but those people seriously dismiss my autism and told that I'm just weak and don't look autistic, which makes it feel extra hopeless

I have intrusive thoughts of how I was mentally abused, suspected hf autism, adhd. Trauma because of how I need to go out of my own way to mask in that environment, how I got into a worst meltdown of my life, needed to be alone for a few months to recover, and now I have this. It would be ok if at least my struggles were aqcknowleged but those people seriously dismiss my autism and told that I'm just weak and don't look autistic, which makes it feel extra hopeless

It's such a shame that I have to go through 10 circles of hell to get meds, people around don't understand or don't want to understand my struggles, one literally said caffeine might be the reason I'm anxious and can't concentrate.

But after taking 400mg of caffeine at once I get calm asf and concentrated. Pulse is 60 while without it it spikes to 90-100 constantly while sitting. Such a joke this society. No way 10-20 mgs of methylphenidate would be more dangerous than the amount of caffeine I'm taking.

I had to live whole life up to 22 being gaslighted that all that psycho issues are not actually problems to work with.

Now I can't cope anymore and I get meltdowns realising that. I only recently managed to move to Germany where such issues are percieved somewhat seriously but the only psychiatrist giving new patient appointments is 6 months... 6 fucking months from now I have to wait, meanwhile I had to attend lang courses for integration. I can't force myself to do self work at all. All I can do when I have no oblogations is play video games run around the room eat etc...

At least the courses are fine for now but I already feel like that novelty feeling is slipping and IDK how it will be later

I try to make it faster but can't find away other than going private route burning my whole savings

I'm frequently near meltdown because of how bullshit it all is but I try to hit something soft not to get more injuries

I really need some advice what to do in this situation, ideally from Germany. I need to perform a lot to stay afloat but I can't.

Could you explain what you consider a shutdown/meltdown?

​

I'm not diagnosed but I want to get diagnosed. I suspect high functioning autism and ADHD. Recently went for a consultation with psychotherapist and they said what I describe looks like autism but I describe it with literature words so it might be that I push it towards autism intentionally. I want to compare my view on this with others.

​

For me:

- overwhelmed by social setting -> first stop speaking and interacting in general -> then if the pressure reaches some point I get angry/shaky, may break stuff out of anger, have urge to run away.

- don't have to explicitly interact to get overwhelmed. only being near stressors is enough.

- also comes from sounds; I was repeatedly crashing out by noise from neighbours - my brain catches such noise once and then can't stop focusing on it, one time it got to the point I punched ceiling as a meltdown and broke a finger cause I couldn't stop focusing on the sounds

- from being neglected unjustifiebly (especially by someone close like mom) gets me from 0 to 100 very quickly and after that point I have persistent anger that 'meltdown state' in which I tend to break stuff, hurt myself etc (one time after being neglected by mom and recently having sprained an ankle I got so pissed off that I walked 30 km through pain just to consume that anger which damaged the cartillage and I now have arthritis there omg, but at the moment the only options I percieved were either beating her or myself but that for sure can be counted as selfharm right?)

- forced change (getting an item taken away, constant change in social setting quickly drains me and again with enough friction leads to what I consider a meltdown, where I break stuff get angry hurt myself)

​

I would like to hear your opinions if those are indeed autistic meltdowns I'm having. I'll go through diagnosis route but it will probably take years with all the queue delays so I want an 3rd point view opinion and maybe some insight to think about.

Do you also have this thing, if you speak one to one you can communicate almost normally but when its 3+ people in a group you lose the hold of interaction and just observe? If feels, communication with multiple people at once is like 3+ objects gravirational system in physics for me.

How did getting diagnosed in adulthood affect you?

Every person I met refused to believe I'm autistic any trying to wrap my behaviours as personal failures. I'm verbal and able to mask for some limited time under social pressure but it's only a facade. It's annoying as hell and makes me angry.

My assumption that I'm on the spectrum are following:

1 My whole life I had feeling like I'm very different from others literally like an alien in this society.

2 I get 'burnt' from socializing very quickly. Like 1 walk with my friend once several months is enough socializing for me to not want more. With enough exposure what I consider a 'meltdown' is unavoidable. It's like there is some load meter on a background that increases on exposure and the load reduces very slowly. The only thing that restores this stress/load is being alone. If it gets to the edge from some environment very quickly I literally run away from it as it gets unbearable to stay. For example, when I was 15 me and 2 classmates were hanging out on some crowded holiday and I was already overwhelmed by it, but they found some girls to hang oit with and having new people to deal with really pushed it to the edge and I ran away lol literally.

3 Sensitivity issues: I couldn't wear clothes that had felt knots, labels, harshly felt materials like wool, golfs because the feeling on the neck. I couldn't get mind of feeling it and would get angry if forced to. And could never wear that. Now at 22 it's less defined but I still prefer easier clothes.

3 My brain randomly hyperfixates on something and I can't get my mind of that thing. This I'm not sure is connected to autism maybe OCD. One day I randomly heard some tv from neighbours. During next 2 weeks I couldn't get over it even with earplugs. I heard it through them while I wasn't supposed to. The noise wasn't loud, but I still heard it. I hyperfixated on it to the point of hallucinating it. Eventually one evening I punched the ceiling and broke a finger lol. After that the hyperfixation slowly declined. But I've worn earplugs every night for 5 years after that. Now occasionally.

Then I had peroid of horror fixating on osteoartritis pain developed from trauma for 2 years... Again I felt the pain even on strong anti inflammatories and that oa being only mild makes me thing that was mostly fantom pain after all.

4 Fixation on things / demand of persistance: losing some old thing would make me crash out not because that thing is valuable but because it's extremely uncomfortable to accept losing it. Like I remember crying and getting angry because mom was throwing out toys (that I definetly grew out of and didn't play with for years) or some stuff that is breaking apart. Extremely uncomfortable to get used to new clothes. Again now it's easier but still I feel that.

5 I can't keep relationships or connections. The only long term connection I have is from a person that was keeping it themselves. I just don't match social needs of 99% people I mean the amount of contact normal for me is too little for them and they drift away.

6 I can only feel ok speaking 1 to one. If there are more than one person meaning I'm in a grouop I just get silent can't process it's like that 3+ moving object system problem i physics.

7 Coordination issues: I tripped over alot. I used to sprain an ankle literally every 2 weeks. I always walked on tiptoes and even now consciously have to force not doing so. Frequently told that I walk strangely. I remember being exceptionally bad at sports in pe classes back in school. Like footbal basketball etc. I couldnt hit a ball properly lol and it felt very awkward.

8 Number perfectionism: I very frequently try to round thing up to 5, 10, 25, 50, 100 etc. For example in some strategy game: on this field should be 25 units. If there is 24 I go out of my way to make it 25 bevause it's uncomfortable to have such imperfection. Or if there are multiple fields there must be equal number of units on each. But I think it's not just about numbers, but also with symmetry, proportions. Going to sleep with not completely empty bladder is impossible. Literally have to go sleep fast after emptying. Some folded fabric has to be fixed. I frequently fix something on the street like removed brick cause I feel bad it being not on the place. Perfectionism in general.

9 Any change in environment body etc especially negative is very uncomfortable and slow to get used to. May take months or years to accept.

10 I don't understand unwritten social rules completely and have to learn that like some subject and still be worse at it that any person around.

11 "Why are you sad?" I'm not sad, I'm feeling good actually just don't have emotions. Literally one of the best moods I subjectively can have looks like sadness for people

Those are the main things that I think point out to autism. I tried to separate it from other traits I connect to adhd. Isn't that enough coincidences? Although formal diagnosis still wouldn't convince some people? Being constantly misunderstood pisses me off. It's like you are running marathon and stumble upon someone close to the finish and they start running beside you when you are already exhausted bragging about how they can run faster... Like you arent autist you just introverted, introverted = you are just anxious thats why...

When I was like 12 I was playing game Carrier Command : Gaea mission and something strange started happening with the game I suddenly started seeing illuminati and eye of chorus symbols everywhere and the carrier started sinking which isn't a game mechanic then after reching bottom it appeared in the sky then landed in the water after that I went to menu and there was again these symbols I was shocked while this was happening.

There clearly was new symbolic objects rendered. I was in shock and couldn't comprehend what was happening. I wish I recorded that so I had a proof. This only happened once and never again when I played that game. I never had simmilar episodes of strange activity with other games/in real life.

I just realised if Im not given concessions socially then Im done. Ill be mentally destroyed otherwise bc of bullying. WTF am I supposed to do?

Do you feel like its only visual? Cause I feel like my whole brain works differently now. Like more easily irritated to stimuls and even more disconnected from reality which I was even before lsd use