u/Numerous-Ad-5058

I live with my elderly 87 year old mother as her primary caregiver. Last night she comes to my room wakes me up because she’s getting messages and message requests on Messenger from businesses and people she claims not to follow.

She insisted I fix it then and there despite my attempts to tell her to ignore them. I did a full privacy check and turned as many permissions off as I could but I know it will happen again.

It’s Facebook. No matter how often I’ve told her nothing is ever for free, they gotta make money somehow, it doesn’t sink in.

I unfollowed a ton of pages. I asked her to go through her feed with me. She thought the word Follow next to a post was the name of a page. I told her to not hit follow unless she wants to consistently see the same types of posts. I showed her how to distinguish an Ad from a regular posts. She never realized that every third thing on her feed is an Ad. I told her to be aware that when she clicks on an ad that that business may reach out to her with a message. She was so angry that Facebook was allowing her data to be used to this way. I had to explain that this is a key channel for businesses to generate sales. She got super upset and vowed to delete her account tomorrow.

Essentially, the whole thing turned into a paranoid rant that now all these businesses are reading all of her private chats with other people, and they can get her banking information somehow. I could not convince her otherwise, but I told her to think about it overnight before she makes decisions like shutting it all down because frankly this platform is her only connection to a number of friends and relatives.

I’ve been seeing a marked increase in her level of agitation and confusion and suspicion recently. People around me dismiss it as her just being old and grumpy. But I think this level of agitation is a sign of cognitive decline. Especially since this always happens at nighttime or early morning.

In the past few months I've had to actively be there with support and advice for both my adult children in their 30's in ways I never anticipated.

First, at the beginning of the summer, my adult son who is almost 31, moved out of an apartment that he sort of liked but a building and location he didn't like looking to save money on rent. He changed his usual criteria and ended up in a basement apartment of a large Edwardian era house that has been turned into multiple units. On the surface it looked like a great deal: less rent, an extra bedroom, nice decor, beautiful quiet neighbourhood and a short walk to work. But as with all moves it came with its growing pains. He needed to install a window AC unit, he had an incident with ants, he needed to get a dehumidifier etc etc.

And he basically freaked out. I was getting call after call from him (which is not normal for him) worried that he'd made a huge mistake, upset that he'd spent money to move and now he wasn't saving as much as he thought he would, his anxiety triggered some chronic health issues he has and at one point I found myself bringing him bedding because he got behind on his laundry and his dryer wasn't working and he was sleeping in sleeping bag. We spent some time together having a long discussion and I feel like he's turned a corner now and feels better where he is at. But my goodness that was something.

And then my adult daughter started in with her issues. She is soon to be 35. She was working on the other side of the country for three years, felt there were no opportunities for her to grow in that role and the town she was in was too small, too isolated and she felt too out of place. So she applied and got a job in Europe. Its a one year contract so far, the pay is not great (it's Europe, pay structures are different), but the role is in a large city which she very much likes and it's a way to have a bit of an adventure.

But this past couple of weeks has been so hard for her. The paperwork (work visa) is delayed which is frustrating. She can't leave without it. Her job starts in two weeks. She's had to move her departure flight. Then she caught a horrible cold/flu and has been miserable; it's knocked her off her feet. She started menstruating this week and is experiencing the worst cramps/pain. She has some sort of immune issue which triggers random hives and she's been taking ibuprofen, decongestants and now antihistamines. She's lying around blowing her nose and wearing a heating pad while all the packing she should be doing is piling up.

Last night she had a complete and utter emotional breakdown. She was sobbing, unsure if she was doing the right thing going to Europe for a job, afraid she'll be lonely, thinking she should be making more money and is not living up to her potential and education. It was a half hour of literal shaking and sobbing. The best I could do was tell her it's ok to feel nervous, that she's had a rough couple of weeks and that if anything changes and she doesn't like what she's signed up for that I would always be there for her. We went over all the moves she's made in the past few years and how they were hard but she persevered. And I hope I was able to comfort her through that.

The irony is that I myself am an anxious person full of self-doubt. And it makes me wonder if I passed that on to them unwittingly. Parenting adults is HARD.

A few weeks ago it became painfully apparent that I needed to seek some professional help. I am 62, I live a very complicated and stressful life, I'm dealing with trauma, anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing, high levels of impacts due to a lifetime of narcissistic abuse from a parent and more.

So I looked into the cost and what I could get covered and began sessions with a psychologist; yesterday was my third session.

And the pattern I am seeing is that on those days I have a session, the rest of my day is just a write-off. The level of self-reflection and processing of what we discussed and, probably due to my specific state of mind, sheer and utter guilt and of being a complete loser/failure.

I spent most of yesterday thinking to myself: "Why did I let that happen?" or "Why can't I enforce a single boundary?" or "Why am I so afraid of speaking up?" and I could go on and on and on. Because my thoughts immediately run to why I can't be better. Right now.

Intellectually I know it's going to take time. And that I'm just starting and I don't have the tools to be better. But emotionally, I spend the day beating myself up and wanting to hide myself in my bed exhausted.

About three weeks ago I posted how my mother and I had been arguing for days and that she had become quite unreasonable.

Many of you urged me to get her tested for a UTI. Well it was impossible to get her to even consider she might have a UTI. She insisted that there was no burning, no urgent need to urinate and so it was impossible.

She said this despite telling me that she now needed to wear incontinence pads because she had leakage when she couldn't make it to the toilet on time. Whatever, I can't force a person to do what they don't want.

Anyway yesterday she woke up feeling very unwell, experiencing strange symptoms and she asked that we go to the ER. The doctor had her do bloodwork and a urine test as well as ECG, X-rays and CT due to her symptoms.

Well, wouldn't you know it. She had elevated leukocytes in her urine and her blood indicated elevated monocytes (white blood cells). The doctor is having her urine cultured but in the meantime he gave her a general UTI antibiotic to get some immediate relief.

My mother still INSISTS that the UTI could not be causing what she was feeling but through all those tests the only thing not in line was the urine and the white blood cell counts. And she's having issues acknowledging that her body is not the same as it was and that a UTI is not going to feel the same anymore.

Anyway, it looks like this may be at the root of what's been going on.

When I bought the novels to read back in the mid to late 1990s, my only objective was to get my hands on a copy of the novels to read. They are very worn out. And what I'd like is to get a whole new set. A few things that maybe you can help me with given my specifications lol:

- I'm agnostic to soft cover vs hard cover; both work

- budget wise I don't have the funds for a super expensive set

- the quality of the paper inside is very important to me; I do not like glossy super white paper, I like a paper that is tactile and easy on the eyes

- I do not want an edition that is full of typos and printing issues; I've heard that sometimes the focus for these sets is on the covers and the text inside suffers

- I'd like a full cohesive set that will look nice on my bookshelf; if I can find a version with an integrated ribbon bookmark that would be great

I've looked at the Folio Society edition and it seems nice but the covers are kind of meh. Cranford collection is ok but I'm not a lover of florals.

Anyone got a set that they really like?

I am a perpetual worrier. I think the only time I don't worry is when I'm asleep. There are times when my worry is quieter, less intense and there are times when I've been so worried it was debilitating.

My mother is the same but probably much more so because she's older and she says she is so anxious because so many negative things have happened in her life that she is now always worried about what's next.

And I'm worried (lol) that this is how I'm becoming. Because I'm constantly checking in on my loved ones, worried when I can't reach them for a few hours and I don't know if they're okay, continually expecting something bad to happen to them.

Interestingly I'm not as worried about world events. War? Climate change? That stuff is so beyond my purview that I just shrug that off as "not my problem".

But when it's the people I love and care for I'm always thinking about them. But I know this isn't how other people operate.

My sister for example. She told me early this morning she was going to be out with a friend, possibly going to see a movie and I wished her well. It's now been 5 hours since I heard from her or saw her check in on her social media and I'm like... what does that even feel like?

I went out for 3 hours for a shopping trip. My phone was in my bag but I checked it at least every 15 minutes. Took two phone calls from family members. Answered messages. All while I was doing my thing. And I'm like .... there are people who don't do this.

My adult son is like this. He is focused on whatever he's doing. He may not read my messages for two days. I on the other hand am wondering if he's still breathing!!!!

OK, this is just a vent. I moved in to care for my 87-year-old mother when she became widowed three years ago. She has a long list of health issues and many allergies and she’s not open to trying new things. She had a very specific way of making her favourite dishes and after a lot of trial and error, I’ve learned how she likes things prepared and seasoned and cooked.

Prior to moving in here, I was more adventurous in my cooking, and I liked meals from different cultures and probably once a week I would either eat in a nice restaurant or order some food in.

But that’s become not feasible since I’ve lived here because of my mother‘s many allergies and because I have to prepare meals for her anyway, I’m eating what she’s eating.

But man am I tired of cooking. I have to prepare things for her at least once or twice a day as she will make her own breakfast. She regularly opens the fridge and says there’s nothing to eat just like a teenager would. And just like my kids did when they were younger refuses to eat leftovers so I can’t even prepare something and then serve it to her a second time because she doesn’t like reheated

The other issue is that she eats very little so even though she’s very particular about her food she will have very small portions and then say that she’s had enough.

So I guess it makes sense that I hit a point where I’m sick of the entire thing. I’m tired of thinking about what to prepare. I’m tired of preparing the same meals all the time. Bah.

Now because she’s a very picky eater, and she has a lot of allergies, She has actually used that as one of the list of reasons that she refuses to go into any sort of assisted living situation. Because after all she wouldn’t be able to control the meals.

Anyway, here I am and what I should be doing is thinking about what to prepare for dinner.

Starting a couple of days ago (?) I began to get an error when uploading photos into posts on reddit. The error given is "Failed to upload to S3".

At first the theory was it's something to do with my ID, something to do with my account on reddit or perhaps a reddit filter. It may well still be a reddit filter but not in the way I initially thought.

Because as soon as I moved over to my iPhone, using the Reddit app, I was able to create a post on reddit using photos with no failure to upload error.

Now, again, it could be the reddit app has different controls than the website version. It's possible, but I'm coming to this community to see whether perhaps there's a setting on safari that is causing this error.

Reddit tends to flag my posts or filter them out and I'm not sure why it's happening. My account is new as my previous account was hacked into and I assume removed because I've never been able to get back into it.

When I created this new account I used 2FA and I also used an iCloud assigned email to add a further level of protection.

I suspect that I'm being filtered because the name iCloud assigned to me contains the word/letter "Ad". Could Reddit be filtering me based on that?

When I write into mods they manually approve any deleted posts and tell me they don't know why reddit is filtering my posts. It's happening alot so I'm trying to understand the root cause.

For reasons too long to write about... I have a small amount in an RRSP ($26K) and a LIRA ($65K) both in the same financial institution. This isn't all my retirement stuff; I have other amounts in another institution.

The LIRA is invested with a balanced mutual fund and the RRSP is with a fixed term GIC. The GIC matures in February 2027 so I'm trying to understand my options and I have some questions.

1. Once the GIC matures, can I move the entire amount into the LIRA? Is there any sort of tax implication with that or is that just a contribution type transaction?

2. I am going to be 63 in 2027 so if I wanted to start drawing down some of my RRSP's, do I have to purchase a RRIF for the entire amount of an RRSP or can I buy a RRIF with only part of it? I want to stagger what I'm withdrawing over time to optimize after tax income.

I am 62, separated from my husband a few years ago, and caring for my elderly 87 year old mother ever since my father passed away.

I live in my mother's house; it is her desire to not leave her home and she asked me to live with her to help her age in place. It's a difficult, thankless, stressful and emotional, exhausting job. I raised two kids and it was hard but I was young and I had a support system. There are little to no supports for old ladies who need help with everything: meal prep, laundry, shopping, housekeeping, lawn care, medical appointments, hygiene... you name it.

So it got me thinking about what will happen to me after my responsibilities to her end? She will either have to move into a care facility if things get complicated or she will pass away. But either way her house will sell, the money will be used and ultimately proceeds divided between myself and my sister.

And I own nothing. I own no apartment or condo or house. That was lost long ago to pay for my ex-husband's failed business debts. I was "retired" by my employer last year and although I've looked for casual contract at home work, there is none. Thankfully though I have a decent company pension on top of retirement savings and then there's the government supports that kick in at age 65 (I'm Canadian).

So I started to research renting a place for myself. They're expensive where I live. And renting as a retiree is complicated; you have to find a landlord who is willing to look at different forms of income and financial resources. Then I started to look at 55+ retirement communities. Alot of them are pricey because they offer meals as well as a space. And I don't need that; I can still cook and I prefer to keep doing that as long as possible. In fact I find I'm a bit too young and active to pay all that money for a high service seniors community. I have no health issues and am quite fit and mobile. For now anyway.

So now I'm feeling very anxious about this. My hope is that I can rent a one bedroom somewhere for as many years as I need to before entering something more pricey and with more services. I just can't believe how fast this is all happening.

I currently have my money split between two banks ie savings, chequing, mutual funds rrsps in RBC and same at CIBC. I have credit cards for both and credit lines at both. It’s about 60/40 RBC and CIBC.

The reason is complicated but I have always been a contingency minded person and felt that I should have a backup in the event accounts became inaccessible at one bank I have another I can access.

However my financial advisors at each are constantly trying to convince me to move all my funds to them. Is there any benefit to doing that?

I am 62. I currently live with my 87 year old mother as her primary caregiver. At some point, I estimate within the next two or three years, something will change. Given her health conditions, either she will go to a nursing home for complex care or she will pass away. But given I live in her house I will be looking to rent and I want to know how to prepare for that. If she goes to a nursing home her house will need to be sold to cover costs of her care or it will be sold as per the terms of her will and proceeds divided among myself and a sibling.

I've never rented from anyone so I'd have no reference from a previous landlord. I currently draw income only from private employer pensions; I've left the government stuff and my RRSPs to draw down in future. I own no real estate.

So I need to understand the practical realities of renting for the first time as a retiree in my 60s.

I already know my needs for where I want to live and I've developed a detailed budget that assumes I will be drawing down my RRSPs, CPP, OAS and using income from my savings and investments. I'm not rich by any measure but I'll be ok and could pay as much as $3K a month but given the typical metric I think I might have to cap it at $2500.

1. if I'm not yet drawing down all my pensions but I have savings and investments to cover years of rent, will landlords also consider that?

2. how do landlords feel about renting to retirees; is it difficult to get approved?

I live with my 87 year old covert narcissist mother.

And one thing I've come to understand through all her raging and blaming and complaining and lashing out at people is that she's a miserable person. And she wants everyone to be as miserable as her.

She's been sitting here now as I type this for the past half hour outlining all her relatives and connections who have died before her. Literally talking about why some people are around and others aren't. She's been on a long rant about health issues among herself and her family members and pain and suffering and worrying, etc. My brief response was that most of this was due to "genetics and luck".

And at one point she says to me "what kind of luck is this, I am in pain and suffering all the time". I looked at her and said she's here, she's enjoying her grandchildren while all these family members who've been dead for a long time didn't get that pleasure. And yet she just can't stop listing all the health problems of people around her.

And I'm like.... how fucking miserable are you that you spend your time itemizing and listing all the pain and suffering in your family all the damn time. I never hear her express joy or happiness. Only worry, pain and suffering.

And I think that's why I am a catastrophizer and have so much anxiety. This is what I've been exposed to ALL MY LIFE.