u/RJamieLanga

"Show us something that will make us hire you for sure", the interviewer demands.

Little Johnny had prepared for this moment; he has seen all those movies. So he asks, "Can you give me ten 100 dollar bills?"

"Well, no," the interviewer replies. "Who do you think carries around a thousand dollars in cash?"

Little Johnny panics, shouts out an obscenity, and runs out of the office building.

THE END

[removed]

The local Barnes & Noble is now a full three weeks late in getting the latest issue of Harper’s, which is the only American periodical with a decent cryptic crossword. I am convinced this is why half of its readership buys it.

But I digress. For the past ten days or so I’ve been coming straight from work to the store to see if the July issue is on the shelves.

And I always forget to take off my work lanyard. So inevitably I get waved down by customers who have questions.

I am forced to tell them that I’m not a bookstore employee. And I’m forced to tell myself that it’s really all my fault and I should take the damn thing off and put it in my pocket before coming inside.

An alien ship appears above a philosophy conference and beams down their captain. The captain says that Earth has been randomly selected to have one question of their choosing answered by them in one week. The aliens depart.

The philosophers debate tirelessly to figure out what would be the best question to ask. They wouldn't want to ask for the meaning of life, because they will have wasted the question if the answer is boring or irrelevant to humanity. So, they hatch clever scheme to figure out the right question.

When the aliens return, they ask the humans for their question. They ask: What is the two-element set that, as its first element, contains the best question to ask and its second element contains the answer to that question?

The aliens praise the humans for their wise question and answer.

The first element of that set is "What is the two-element set that, as its first element, contains the best question to ask and its second element contains the answer to that question?" and the second element is "What is the two-element set that, as its first element, contains the best question to ask and its second element contains the answer to that question?"

I said, “his name backwards” and he got angry and I said, “you told me not to say ‘my name backwards’, not ‘his name backwards’, so I don’t know why you’re so upset,” and he said, “you just said ‘my name backwards’,” and I said “okay, sure, but you got mad at me before I said that,” and now we’re no longer friends.

While aboard the plane, the instructor tells him that if both his main parachute and reserve chute should fail, he needed to shout "Buddha Buddha Buddha!".

The man jumped out of the plane, and on his way down his main parachute failed, and so did the backup. Not knowing what else to do, he yelled "Buddha Buddha Buddha!".

Suddenly a giant pair of golden hands appeared out of nowhere, and gently caught him. He looks at the ground below, then lays on his back while saying "Thank God!".

And then suddenly there was an enormous clap sound, which is you applauding me for being such an amazing storyteller.

(Edit: This joke is typically told in person so that you can make your audience as uncomfortable as possible should they fail to respond with anything short of a standing ovation. Do not hesitate to shout, "Clap! Get on your feet and clap, you philistines!" if necessary.)

The doorman said to me "It's $15 to get in but if you pay $40, that comes with a meal."

So I paid him the $40, went in, and was approached by an oiled naked guy. He says, "Hello, I'll be your cook this evening.”