The other men..
There are men who only need one woman. They are not oriented toward the outside world once they have fallen in love, once they have made their choice. But you are not that man.
There are men who are with a woman and that is enough for them, because they know how to occupy themselves without seeking others.
There are so many possibilities: hobbies, forums, or simply the woman they love. But you are not that man.
There are men who see what they have and know how to appreciate it. There are men who realize that commitment is not too much to ask when you choose a partner.
They understand it is not unreasonable to expect that a woman, whom you have told she is the only thing you need to be happy, expects to be the only one.. or at least assumes she is. But you are not that man.
There are men who have a deep desire to see the woman they love in real life, to touch her.. Not just her body, but her heart. And only her. But unfortunately, you are not that man.
There are men for whom all of this is a matter of course: honesty, fidelity, loyalty, communicating as a team instead of viewing a relationship as a rivalry. But unfortunately, you are not that man.
Nevertheless, there is something about you. Something that moved me, something that kept me, something that made me keep believing and hoping that you could be one of those men. Because for me, this is the norm.
I’ve strayed from the path so many times. I’ve tried so often to convince myself.. for your sake.. that what you’re doing was okay.
But I, too... I, too, have better things to do with my life. I have hobbies, I have friends. I have friends not just in real life - I have friends online, too, whom I can talk to without paying them. I have... I have interests. I have books, podcasts, audiobooks, YouTube... I have my work, and I never needed to seek validation from men - certainly not excessively from the outside world, and especially not in a sexual sense, because I knew my heart belonged to you. That is, if we aren't comparing your behavior to that of other men.
For me, it is normal not to look for other men when I am interested in one, when I feel love. For me, it is normal to have more to do in life than to seek attention. For me, it is normal to be honest and to share my sexuality exclusively with my partner.
One might think, "It’s just the internet". That is how I tried to sugarcoat it at first, clinging to a belief in the good. It is only the internet where you search for more.
But what if the internet is all we have? And even if we had more than that, there are men who have better things to do. Men who have better things to do with their lives than to turn to other women the moment the one they love turns away and isn't looking.
But you are not that man..
And you were not willing to be that man..
I forgive myself for taking so long to understand this. How could I have understood it? It is not my reality. I cannot reconcile it with my reality. The reality for everyone should be a relationship where you are the only one, if you supposedly need only her to be happy.
I could stop writing now, but I simply don't understand it. I don't understand how someone can be so oriented toward the outside world once they have made a decision.
Not even the distance serves as an excuse, because the men I know do not do such things. I do not do such things.. It is incomprehensible and I believe that is exactly what makes it so hard for me.
I hope that one day I will wake up and it will be easier. It will be more understandable. Or I will have simply forgotten.
It is not my reality. You can have your reality back. You can keep it, because I am actually very happy with the values of mine.