u/RedPanda_2882

i dont wanna just have a bunch of trash in my car when i have a fuller tank and wont be to the gas station or anywhere stopped for a long time

[main question]
Gender
i dont really know how I would describe my gender aside from probably being uncomfortable with he/him pronouns. Am I supposed to feel more than that?
Do yall feel Gender?? I assume so because transgender people exist and obviously feel something different. What exactly is that feeling?

[additional]

Sexuality
I have 0 feelings of sexual attraction and 0 feelings of romantic attraction. I know this makes me aroace, but does it count if i could imagine myself comfortable in a relationship with somebody (preferably wlw) , without sex?
What crosses the line between a friendship and a relationship?? I dont want to live with someone else because i am particular with how I do things like organizing.

Children
I will never have kids and if I do I have been replaced by an imposter.

Religion(kinda unrelated but follows this pattern)
I also feel nothing on the religious front. I have no belief in a higher power nor do i really care if there is one or not, because if they are real then they're terrible at it. I have heard of spirituality and stuff and energies, I also don't have any preference for that. i kinda just exist ??

TLDR what is the feeling of gender

17f

(i am already diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but i feel there may be something more, i am on prozac and welbutrin)

here we go:

3 unfinished projects (2 i will never finish, 1 is pending)

quit if im not immediately good (another abandoned project, woobles crochet)

dont follow rules if they dont make sense (includes social rules)

socially inept/ awkward (i dont know how conversations work)

sleep at 4am till 5pm if i can

cant sleep because laying doing nothing is boring (stay up on phone)

wont/ it is hard to take care of myself
(washing hair, brushing teeth = too much effort. i think about shaving my head every day)
(wont eat something filling if i have to prepare it myself)

feeling of my hair blowing against my face from the fan in my room while im trying to sleep is very annoying

misplace phone a lot

have to backtrack to do something i was supposed to do but forgot (grab water from downstairs, remembered when i was upstairs)

feel like i am not normal as in there is something wrong with me

get extrememly annoyed when a person is bad at something i find easy (not things skill based like games, stuff like grammar or reading)

the sound of chewing makes me so mad ive wanted to stab my eardrums

probably wouldnt get up when i wake up if i didnt have basic needs

hard to do things in silence (i need constant white noise)

when i do something even mildly embarassing or strange my first thought is to lie about why even if i have a reasonable reason to be doing what im doing

when people speak in an annoyed/ angry voice i get anxious/ afraid even if it is not directed to me

i am deeply afraid of punishment/ doing something wrong

i learned to say please/ thank you very late because it didnt make sense why i should (i thought being grateful was already implied)

i frequently stumble over my words and have to pause to collect myself

my mannerisms reflect bits/ memes ive seen online, including speech and motions

constantly something in my head (impossible to not be thinking of anything)

was frequently called an old soul when i was younger but i am now considered childish by the same person

i dont know many social rules/ expectations exist until i am in the scenario and someone comments on it

i dont consider myself fully girl, i am a demigirl i believe
also i am asexual and probably aromantic, the idea of someone elses gentials touching mine is genuinely disgusting and i dont know how people do it.

i feel much more comfortable around neurodivergent people, and like i dont fit in around neurotypical people.

Said neurodivergent people frequently call me autistic
even though my psychologist said i couldnt be autistic because! i have good grades and do not misbehave

i scored a 90 on the raads r and every online test i take, i fall in the Maybe! range
(my family got \~40s on the raads r. my sister got a 161 though.)
yes i am aware those arent diagnostic

i am fairly certain i have ARFID as i refuse to eat any and all fruits, and 99% of vegetables. I wont even touch them because they make me feel gross and it lingers

i actually feel "cooties" from touching things/ people i dislike/ are gross and it lingers until i rub it off on something else or wash. it isnt a physical thing

i have One OCD symptom (to my knowledge) which is making things on my body symmetrical (touch door with left hand means i have to touch it the same way with my right hand)

i talk to myself a lot
i feel like i have 2 modes, one after ive spoken to someone where i say things out loud more, and the other where i am much more silent

revert to noises that arent words very very often (meowing, or online, words like "grug" or just emojis)

i do not feel the time that has passed until i think about it, and i feel i am still 12 even though im 17.
ive graduated but i still feel like im still coming back to school, that its not the end.

i do not think i am going to make it to 18 years old. Before that, it was 17, 16, and 15 that i didnt think i would make it to. I deeply, truly believe i will not make it to 20 years old.
(i am not currently suicidal)

people who walk slow/ block paths enrage me but i will genuinely go the long way before i muster up the courage to say "excuse me"

i think i stim? i pluck out my hair and it feels uncomfortable to be still

i hate doing repetitive exercises when i already know the material (mostly math)

rough draft is my final draft. i do not brainstorm, i do not mind map, i write the words that come to me.

i dont know how friendships work and how often i need to interact with a person
(to me friendship isnt something i need to keep balanced, it stays balanced until something happens. I hate when people are like, i stopped texting first and the other person never reached out!! because if you stop texting me i will forget that i am obligated to Connect and Socialize)

17f

(i am already diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but i feel there may be something more, i am on prozac and welbutrin)

here we go:

3 unfinished projects (2 i will never finish, 1 is pending)

quit if im not immediately good (another abandoned project, woobles crochet)

dont follow rules if they dont make sense (includes social rules)

socially inept/ awkward (i dont know how conversations work)

sleep at 4am till 5pm if i can

cant sleep because laying doing nothing is boring (stay up on phone)

wont/ it is hard to take care of myself
(washing hair, brushing teeth = too much effort. i think about shaving my head every day)
(wont eat something filling if i have to prepare it myself)

feeling of my hair blowing against my face from the fan in my room while im trying to sleep is very annoying

misplace phone a lot

have to backtrack to do something i was supposed to do but forgot (grab water from downstairs, remembered when i was upstairs)

feel like i am not normal as in there is something wrong with me

get extrememly annoyed when a person is bad at something i find easy (not things skill based like games, stuff like grammar or reading)

the sound of chewing makes me so mad ive wanted to stab my eardrums

probably wouldnt get up when i wake up if i didnt have basic needs

hard to do things in silence (i need constant white noise)

when i do something even mildly embarassing or strange my first thought is to lie about why even if i have a reasonable reason to be doing what im doing

when people speak in an annoyed/ angry voice i get anxious/ afraid even if it is not directed to me

i am deeply afraid of punishment/ doing something wrong

i learned to say please/ thank you very late because it didnt make sense why i should (i thought being grateful was already implied)

i frequently stumble over my words and have to pause to collect myself

my mannerisms reflect bits/ memes ive seen online, including speech and motions

constantly something in my head (impossible to not be thinking of anything)

was frequently called an old soul when i was younger but i am now considered childish by the same person

i dont know many social rules/ expectations exist until i am in the scenario and someone comments on it

i dont consider myself fully girl, i am a demigirl i believe
also i am asexual and probably aromantic, the idea of someone elses gentials touching mine is genuinely disgusting and i dont know how people do it.

i feel much more comfortable around neurodivergent people, and like i dont fit in around neurotypical people.

Said neurodivergent people frequently call me autistic
even though my psychologist said i couldnt be autistic because! i have good grades and do not misbehave

i scored a 90 on the raads r and every online test i take, i fall in the Maybe! range
(my family got \~40s on the raads r. my sister got a 161 though.)
yes i am aware those arent diagnostic

i am fairly certain i have ARFID as i refuse to eat any and all fruits, and 99% of vegetables. I wont even touch them because they make me feel gross and it lingers

i actually feel "cooties" from touching things/ people i dislike/ are gross and it lingers until i rub it off on something else or wash. it isnt a physical thing

i have One OCD symptom (to my knowledge) which is making things on my body symmetrical (touch door with left hand means i have to touch it the same way with my right hand)

i talk to myself a lot
i feel like i have 2 modes, one after ive spoken to someone where i say things out loud more, and the other where i am much more silent

revert to noises that arent words very very often (meowing, or online, words like "grug" or just emojis)

i do not feel the time that has passed until i think about it, and i feel i am still 12 even though im 17.
ive graduated but i still feel like im still coming back to school, that its not the end.

i do not think i am going to make it to 18 years old. Before that, it was 17, 16, and 15 that i didnt think i would make it to. I deeply, truly believe i will not make it to 20 years old.
(i am not currently suicidal)

people who walk slow/ block paths enrage me but i will genuinely go the long way before i muster up the courage to say "excuse me"

i think i stim? i pluck out my hair and it feels uncomfortable to be still

i hate doing repetitive exercises when i already know the material (mostly math)

rough draft is my final draft. i do not brainstorm, i do not mind map, i write the words that come to me.

i dont know how friendships work and how often i need to interact with a person
(to me friendship isnt something i need to keep balanced, it stays balanced until something happens. I hate when people are like, i stopped texting first and the other person never reached out!! because if you stop texting me i will forget that i am obligated to Connect and Socialize)

17f

(i am already diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but i feel there may be something more, i am on prozac and welbutrin)

here we go:

3 unfinished projects (2 i will never finish, 1 is pending)

quit if im not immediately good (another abandoned project, woobles crochet)

dont follow rules if they dont make sense (includes social rules)

socially inept/ awkward (i dont know how conversations work)

sleep at 4am till 5pm if i can

cant sleep because laying doing nothing is boring (stay up on phone)

wont/ it is hard to take care of myself
(washing hair, brushing teeth = too much effort. i think about shaving my head every day)
(wont eat something filling if i have to prepare it myself)

feeling of my hair blowing against my face from the fan in my room while im trying to sleep is very annoying

misplace phone a lot

have to backtrack to do something i was supposed to do but forgot (grab water from downstairs, remembered when i was upstairs)

feel like i am not normal as in there is something wrong with me

get extrememly annoyed when a person is bad at something i find easy (not things skill based like games, stuff like grammar or reading)

the sound of chewing makes me so mad ive wanted to stab my eardrums

probably wouldnt get up when i wake up if i didnt have basic needs

hard to do things in silence (i need constant white noise)

when i do something even mildly embarassing or strange my first thought is to lie about why even if i have a reasonable reason to be doing what im doing

when people speak in an annoyed/ angry voice i get anxious/ afraid even if it is not directed to me

i am deeply afraid of punishment/ doing something wrong

i learned to say please/ thank you very late because it didnt make sense why i should (i thought being grateful was already implied)

i frequently stumble over my words and have to pause to collect myself

my mannerisms reflect bits/ memes ive seen online, including speech and motions

constantly something in my head (impossible to not be thinking of anything)

was frequently called an old soul when i was younger but i am now considered childish by the same person

i dont know many social rules/ expectations exist until i am in the scenario and someone comments on it

i dont consider myself fully girl, i am a demigirl i believe
also i am asexual and probably aromantic, the idea of someone elses gentials touching mine is genuinely disgusting and i dont know how people do it.

i feel much more comfortable around neurodivergent people, and like i dont fit in around neurotypical people.

Said neurodivergent people frequently call me autistic
even though my psychologist said i couldnt be autistic because! i have good grades and do not misbehave

i scored a 90 on the raads r and every online test i take, i fall in the Maybe! range
(my family got ~40s on the raads r. my sister got a 161 though.)
yes i am aware those arent diagnostic

i am fairly certain i have ARFID as i refuse to eat any and all fruits, and 99% of vegetables. I wont even touch them because they make me feel gross and it lingers

i actually feel "cooties" from touching things/ people i dislike/ are gross and it lingers until i rub it off on something else or wash. it isnt a physical thing

i have One OCD symptom (to my knowledge) which is making things on my body symmetrical (touch door with left hand means i have to touch it the same way with my right hand)

i talk to myself a lot
i feel like i have 2 modes, one after ive spoken to someone where i say things out loud more, and the other where i am much more silent

revert to noises that arent words very very often (meowing, or online, words like "grug" or just emojis)

i do not feel the time that has passed until i think about it, and i feel i am still 12 even though im 17.
ive graduated but i still feel like im still coming back to school, that its not the end.

i do not think i am going to make it to 18 years old. Before that, it was 17, 16, and 15 that i didnt think i would make it to. I deeply, truly believe i will not make it to 20 years old.
(i am not currently suicidal)

people who walk slow/ block paths enrage me but i will genuinely go the long way before i muster up the courage to say "excuse me"

i think i stim? i pluck out my hair and it feels uncomfortable to be still

i hate doing repetitive exercises when i already know the material (mostly math)

rough draft is my final draft. i do not brainstorm, i do not mind map, i write the words that come to me.

i dont know how friendships work and how often i need to interact with a person
(to me friendship isnt something i need to keep balanced, it stays balanced until something happens. I hate when people are like, i stopped texting first and the other person never reached out!! because if you stop texting me i will forget that i am obligated to Connect and Socialize)

Example:
There is a video of CaseOh (a game streamer) about to blow up a truck, but as the fuse is struck he suddenly notices a cow in the back, yelling "THE COW-" before being cut off by the explosion.

Now whenever i make a (minor) irreversible mistake, i also yell (or think if speaking is not appropriate) "THE COW-"

I dont know why I do this and I can attribute plenty of my mannerisms to mimicry of things ive seen online. The staring into the "camera" after making a mistake. The shocked pose where you have your hands behind your head.

DAE do things like this? Or know if this is something i should be worried about (i dont think so but might as well ask)