u/Rich-Woodpecker3932

I am 20M. This is going to be long so please read the entire thing. I genuinely need help

I had a messed up childhood because I grew up in a messed up household. I haven't had contact with my elder sister for 11 years now and I haven't been speaking to my father for 5.5 years. Me and my mother fight almost everyday. It's a broken family. My mom has suffered a LOT in life. A lot of people have wronged her in her life. I'm her only hope. She genuinely wants me to succeed which is why she is very strict with me. But I have made a LOT of wrong decisions, I threw away a wonderful opportunity to study abroad in a very good uni and came back to India to study in a tier 3 clg and ended up paying lakhs for it. I still regret it immensely. I messed up a potential career in cricket inspite of having the best facilities. I have currently finished my 1st year in clg

I am my mom's only hope. Last week my sem end results came and I failed one subject. I didn't tell her that. She asked me about my result but I lied to her saying it didn't come. But she found out today somehow and she asked me to show my results and I had no option but to show. She was in the temple at that time and she saw that I had failed. She was so heartbroken and angry. Like genuinely very emotional. She started crying a lot remembering everything she has been through, she yelled and abused me over the phone for lying to her and failing that subject, like she felt so betrayed you know? She had big hopes for me (like taking scholarships at world class unis, etc) and she felt betrayed. She said she's not going to return home, she said things like I don't want you in my life, I don't want anyone to see my deadbody, etc. She started blaming me for a lot of things. She was shouting a lot and was very very emotional. And today is Sankastha Chaturthi and she had fasted the entire day. She told me nothing good will happen in my life, etc. She started cursing God as well because she was just so so angry. My mom is very very spiritual, does all sorts of pujas and is very God loving. She chants the Vishnu Sahasranama and the Lalitha Sahasranama everyday. But she is so fed up with everything. She hasn't seen her own daughter for 11 years. And now for me to just crush her hopes like that.

Man I just don't know what to do now. I have never felt alright in a long time. Like I live my life so hopelessly. I don't have the feeling or the will to achieve or to do anything in my life. I just want to disappear. I have had this feeling for a very long time. Now I just don't know what to do. I don't even feel anything - no anger, no disappointment, nothing. Just empty. I don't feel anything man. And now it's impossible for me to even maintain a CGPA of above 9 because I got avg grades in my 1st year. I feel no guilt, no shame nothing. Why does my mom need to suffer so much? And I have incurred immense sin today. All of this happened while she was at the temple today in front of the Gods. I made her use such terrible words at such a place. I have already incurred a LOT of sins in my life. I'm ready to pay for it but I just don't want my mom to suffer anymore. The love and affection I have had for her (which was a lot before) is gone. She was the only person I genuinely loved and even that is gone. I don't feel anything and I don't find a way to get out of this gutter I'm in. I live a very lonely life and my mom needs some peace and happiness in hers. I don't give a damn as to what happens to me, I just want my mom to be happy

I have lived in a damned cage in my life, and I can't seem to get out of it. It is MY fault. My addictions, my inaction, my wrong decisions have caused this

I am 20M. This is going to be a long post so please bear with me. Me and my mother fight a lot regularly. I don't have good relationships with anyone in my family. My mom is the only one I talk to. Our relationship has been very disturbed since the last 5-6 years. She uses a lot of foul words in my mother tongue to shout at me or scold me, etc whenever I make a mistake. The truth is, she tells me repeatedly to not do certain things and even still I end up doing it and I get shouted at by her for that. This has been happening for a few years. Like I know what I'm supposed to and not supposed to do but I still end up doing it / not doing it. Sometimes I feel I deserve all that shouting and the usage of foul words coz I am not disciplined at all and I am very slow at doing things and completing my responsibilities. She has been regularly asking me to do away with my phone but honestly that's my only escape. I live a very lonely life and that's my only escape. I know it is wrong and I should not be with it all the time. And it can't be used as a justification at all for my actions and I know it. My mom has severe anger issues at times and she can't control herself from using such foul language

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Now we visited the Puri Jagannath Temple a few days ago and there she asked me to make a promise to Lord Jagannath that I will let go of all my addictions and be a disciplined man and I also asked her to make a promise that she will not use such foul language and we made those promises. I actually felt good after going there. I have issues with m#sturbation and corn. I'm not addicted to it. I do it once a week or so but I want to get rid of that habit completely. Yesterday again I felt the urges but I controlled myself. I have this very bad habit of taking my phone to the bathroom all the time which I didn't do yesterday and there was no issue. But today I went to take a shower and I felt those urges very deeply and I took my phone in even though I knew I should not and inspite of trying to control myself, I did the dirty deed by watching corn and I felt very guilty coz I broke the promise I made just a few days ago to the Lord. My mom had asked me to not take a long time in the bathroom coz she also wanted to use it but I took a long time and she got very very angry and used a lot of foul language to scold me. Both of us broke our promises we had made just a few days ago to the Lord and I feel very guilty coz it happened bcoz of me

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Was it completely my fault? My mom keeps saying I'm the reason for her foul language. Is that true?? Does whatever she says also in my control??

Even RCB, a franchise that struggled for years to win the trophy has now won back to back titles. Even they finally found success, when will I taste success?? This may sound cringe lmao but my life is so messed up and I am the sole reason to blame. I am 20M, but everything that's happened in my life so far is so pissing off. Sometimes I just wonder success and happiness is not meant for me

People are so very very fake. I just hate their pretentiousness. You don't matter to them as much as you think you do. I don't even know why I'm posting it here but I always had this deep desire to read and learn about all the various philosophies Hinduism has to offer. I just want to delve into something meaningful than to just deal with this fake world. So can anyone please guide me on where to start??

Preferably with people of my age. Is anyone up for it?