u/Sweaty-Assist-8934

TW: >!suicidal ideation + past suicide attempts!<

Marking this NSFW as it delves into some darker mental health stuff.

I know that with repeating a year, you're supposed to grind and get your foot in the door in your first year, as an international student. I knew that my friends from last year might not be as open to hanging out or be busy with their lives, but I didn't think it would happen like this.

To note, I do have ME, and I'm neurodivergent (ADHD + BPD) with PDD (on medications for all), which makes going to class a challenge, but it's still doable. I don't think I want to make friends with this new cohort, even though we're one term into it. Plus, what's the point if they're going to either leave or judge for repeating a year? No one has tbh, if anything, they've been supportive of it since it was because of physical and mental health reasons. There's this person from my old cohort last year who was also repeating, and this person told me, "Usually repeating a year will weed out who actually cares and who doesn't gaf, even if they used to be your best friends, they can just up and leave."

I do have other people alongside me who are repeating, but none of them I'm "buddy-buddy" with, more like good acquaintances. I can't go back to my old sport because of ME; however, I do try to be nice to the people in my new cohort as best as I can. Recently (~1 week ago), I thought that my old friends from first year (last year) would wish me for my birthday, since we were so close, but they didn't really do anything, minus the one friend who is in touch with me, who I am immensely grateful for. I know I don't really have anyone else to blame but myself in terms of this loneliness, as I don't go out as much as I used to. However, I can't help but think of just how draining it is to start over from scratch, considering how important friendships are as a support system (I do have friends from back home and non-medical friends, which help TREMENDOUSLY).

Therapy's helping in a way, and I try my best to make an effort to mingle with this cohort, but everyone's either in a group of some kind or is friends with one another and beyond the "hi's" in a hallway, no one really cares? It's understandable that in a field as cutthroat as medicine, you're bound to come across people who are like that, but why? It did gear into the suicidal category these past few weeks (I have been suicidal in the past, attempting twice), as not only my birthday, but other times cemented that people actually don't care about me as much as I cared about them or that people aren't genuine sometimes.

With the way things are going, uni societies aren't much help either. I've tried. It's the same shtick, and no one really mingles within it, no matter how hard I've tried. It's made actually enjoying medicine a bit more mundane (since I've done the content already last year), and it's not even the content, which imo is what's helpful and not something that bothers me.

I just miss hanging out with some friends to study, or sleeping over a week before a final because we stayed up studying together or having some company over so that chores don't feel like climbing Everest.

Apologies for the ramble, just trying to get some thoughts out without lashing out at myself or others.

TLDR: repeating first year (sadly) came with losing past friends, feeling really lonely in this new cohort because of it and not sure what I can do to help it, even with ongoing therapy and medications, and it's led to a downward spiral.

this crippling emptiness hurts, especially on something as important as my birthday today and sm ppl just don’t seem to notice that.

im still kinda passively suicidal, but i’m not thinking towards it and it doesn’t help that im still hung up on an old fp who didn’t treat me right. it all hurts too much and i can’t stop thinking of either hurting myself or just abandoning myself for feeling abandoned. ik these feelings are temporarily but i feel left out :(

I have a friend who lives in Switzerland, is a Swiss native and is in their early twenties. Due to mental health challenges and certain life circumstances, they have to redo their A-Levels and want to find out how they can or what they can do about it. They're currently unemployed, but want to go to uni for psychology. They'd done the Swiss equivalent to A-Levels, but failed them and want to do actual A-Levels.

Any advice?

With 9-5 classes every day, I've had to put a pause on sports as well, something that brought me some semblance of joy in med school because I either have to sleep or study.

I'm always super drained after classes, to the point where I can't make food sometimes, and can't study in that state. I'm scared that I'll fall behind in either trying to balance sleep or studying. It's gotten to the point where if I study (if I'm able to after classes). How do ppl balance 40 hr/week school weeks, AND have the time to study and keep ahead with sports/hobbies it's so mind-boggling.

The number of ppl in my cohort who say the same that they haven't been able to actually sleep or study, depending on the module. While I do understand that, duh, this is med school and not high school anymore, it does worry me the number of ppl running on barely any sleep or those who feel behind.

If anyone has tips to not only save time, but help with the overwhelming fatigue, pls do lmk!!