u/Sweaty-Assist-8934

I have a cane which I’ve wrapped a flower garland around to decorate it, but recently, I’ve wanted to decorate it based on my interests and embracing the halloween season, I wanna make it punk based as well.

There was a tiktok I saw of someone who decorated their cane, and I’d love to mix smth like that with black roses/flowers wrapping it around as well. I'll see if I can find it but idk where to find items based on these decorations?

My best and other ppl ik end up calling me crazy in a jokey way (which I understand) but sometimes it hurts and idk why? I have had experiences with exes, and ppl who have hurt me calling that because of my BPD/mental illness, which hurts me a lot because I wasn‘t doing okay.

I have ADHD, and depression as well. My friend said the “you’re crazy“ after I told her that I woke up super early today to study and do chores because I was really tired last night at 7pm. It sent waves of flashbacks of sort when ppl have called me that for opening up about my borderline, that happens and I hate it so much. I don’t know how to tell this friend to cut that out without lashing out at her, because she does genuinely mean it in a sarcastic way, but I don’t want her to feel bad at all since it’s not her fault as I know a lot of neurotypical ppl say that to relate to others

I’m repeating M1 at a UK uni and we’ve covered things like biochemistry and biomedical fundamentals. While I just started my third semester/term, we’re learning Psychiatry, Cardiology, Renal and Respiratory this time around and I’ve been supplementing Boards and Beyond videos and connecting them to what I’ve been learning and done so far.

Would it be too early to go over things like Boards and Beyond’s videos, or any form of learning/studying for Step 1 even though I’m repeating a year? I’m aware that this would technically give me an advantage, but I’m unsure as to how to study and plan out my exam prep til then.

Along with this, I wanted to ask what some good resources would be that are free/inexpensive for the time being as I’m only in the planning/brainstorming phases and will progress into proper studying for this exam next year at the end of 2nd year.

EDIT: I’m a non US IMG (Canadian studying in the UK)

this friend was genuinely one of my best friends, one i fondly look back on. however, while in a psychotic episode and mental health crisis exactly about a year ago, i did something that ruined our friendship (not on purpose), and since then she has established no contact until september.

it's been a year, and i haven't heard anything. the only place she didn't have me blocked was spotify, and i finally took the courage to unadd her from there, considering that she probably just forgot to. she still owes me money, but im guessing what happened matters more to her than our friendship or the money i lent her.

the hurt hasn't left. the guilt hasn't left. nothing has. i've graduated from therapy, and even now, the sting does hurt, but it hurts a bit less now. we weren't even friends for a long time, maybe a year and a half? but the promises we made, we were always there for each other, through everything. however, our friendship did get closer due to joint yearning and pining over our exes. that was what unfortunately brought us closer, but that was also the reason she repeated - no contact and her avoidant behavior at conflict/discussions.

ig she was tired, and even if she was, a warning would've been nice. i'm making space for new, healthier friendships, even if that means waiting. im allowed to be upset at her for abandoning me, but what i won't forgive her for was that too. she promised we'd talk, she was too much of a coward to do or was just not in it for a talk, fine.

i did send her a huge voice note, apologizing. that was my closure.

tw: sh + friendship breakup

I guess I want some advice and support?

Before you ask, I’m going to therapy, been going to it for over a year.

For context, I messed up my friendship with this one woman BAD. It was because of my impulsivity along with alcohol which led to me doing some stuff I shouldn’t have. She opted for no contact, to which I agreed. She said she would text me two months after that day, it’s been a year since then.

I’ve forgiven myself from what I did a year ago. She blocked me on everything except whatsapp and spotify, however, i went out of my way to block her from both of those today after trying my best to reach out to see if we could talk. We never did.

Today hurts a bit more, since today marks the day our friendship went south. It’s been a year and I can’t stop beating myself up with the “I hope she texts/calls” ”I hope she forgives me” I hope things get better. It’s been a year and I can STILL feel the tension with this other friend of mine, who mediated everything, says shes fine with me as this other friend forgave me too but smth’s off.

I just want the pain to stop. It got so bad that i thought of ending it all, but ik that’s stupid bc i was latched into false hope. i was delusionally optimistic and look where that got me

i wanna hurt myself or do smth to make the pain stop, it won’t make it go away. i’ve tried everything.

i talked about it in therapy, wrote an angry letter and burnt it, reached out to her twice in the past year before blocking her, tried to numb the pain last year with more alcohol and sh, look where that got me. it just feels so frustrating that she’s moved on bc she put another spotify playlist abt her supposed “bf” (which she never had last year) and it’s as if i’m dead to her.

im done caring abt ppl who don’t care if i live or die. i’m done with feeling like crap abt someone else’s cowardice. i just want the pain of it all to stop.

Long story short, I had a friendship breakup because of a mental health crisis last year. I had given money (a lot of money ~$930 USD), and we decided no contact was the best route and that she would text me around two months after what happened. It’s been a year, silence.

I wanna ask for the money I gave her, and it was money I gave because it was an emergency but she never even USED that money. She told me that she would give me the money back, but then the situation happened.

I did text her twice, once when we were originally meant to talk. And then once in April of this year, apologizing and making peace with it and accepting that even though I’m wrong and that I did mess up, I needed to forgive myself and not beat myself up and torture myself mentally because of it.

She still owes me that money, I’ve finally blocked her on Spotify (where she didn’t block me) and I want to on Whatsapp since she’s CLEARLY ghosting/ignoring me. If she genuinely cared, she would’ve at least told me she needed more time, which she didn’t. I don’t even give a crap about if we’re friends anymore, I’ve burned that bridge a long time ago. At least just pay me back what I gave you :/

EDIT: I did it. I sent the text asking for my money back. I didn’t block her, highly considering it though.

TW: >!abusive parents!<

blocked out the TW just to make sure.

Long story short, my mom's the main cause of my trauma. I actually went to a med school abroad (it was my choice, not hers), only after proving it to her (and partly due to my stubbornness, which I didn't think she'd agree to initially), but after showing her I had the ability to - I'm in med school now. Unfortunately, I had to repeat the first year of it due to health issues.

Not a day goes by that she doesn't remind me, "you're there because of me," "you better pay me back every cent of that loan," etc., etc. She's also just been an overall abusive mother growing up, using physical and emotional abuse as a form of "discipline," and is VERY into Vedic Astrology. I think it's disordered thinking and not psychosis for that aspect because of what she's been doing over the past few years; feeding it into the family (me included), which includes things like conversion therapy-like settings (I'm a lesbian, she's very in denial about it, doesn't want me talking about it and has led to death threats).

I've been told by my sister and dad (my dad doesn't think I'm a lesbian, and is VERY homophobic), that she'll change the minute I pass out of first year and into second, or when I get my MD.

My dilemma is one where it's like a tug-of-war; I want to go no contact, but at the same time, if I do, I'll be shunned and phrased as "ungrateful". Hell, my mom literally called me and said I was ungrateful because I didn't want to have a husband/get married or have kids. The only reason we GOT to that point in conversation was that she called me to tell me about smth in my Kundali that she saw.

It's not the money bit I'm worried about; it's the endless torture of having to chip away at my sanity and mental health for the sake of making her feel less burdened. I've moved abroad, but it hasn't gotten much easier. I've tried so, so hard to make things right between us by going to therapy, taking antidepressants and bettering myself, finding a GOOD support system (which is very supportive of my being and I couldn't be happier). It just feels like Sisyphus's boulder comes crashing down on me whenever I talk to my mom, and I know that if I go no contact, I'll be happier in life.

I've even told my mom that once I'm done with med school, I'll pay her back and she won't hear from me again. To that, she's gotten upset at me numerous times, been called names and ungrateful again.

My breaking point of sorts, that I think solidified that I'm probably going to be going no contact with her, was today. "If you fail this year, I'll get you married," she's not joking. I don't know if it's her sick ploy at trying to get back to me, but she's not joking. My dad even confirmed it, so did my grandmother (mom's side), that there's someone she has in mind, and I would rather end up dead than married to a guy. It won't get that way, given how much effort I'm putting into med school, but I'm done with her; I'm tired of it.

so i have 6 months of content to go over, 3 weeks to go over it, and idek where to start. there's no real "high yield" as anything and everything is high yield. im stressed and even notes i've made in the past i don't remember a thing from when i read it. it's like i need to start from scratch or make new notes (the latter of which ik is passive learning and NOT helpful). the reason i wasn't able to start was bc i've been recovering from surgery and had a lot of health stuff pop up

what do i do, i need a minimum 70% to pass T-T and if not i'll be kicked out of uni i am SO stressed and don't know where to begin.

i do have adhd-c, which makes focusing a nightmare and am about to get meds in 2 weeks for it

so i have 6 months of content to go over, 3 weeks to go over it, and idek where to start. there's no real "high yield" as anything and everything is high yield. im stressed and even notes i've made in the past i don't remember a thing from when i read it. it's like i need to start from scratch or make new notes (the latter of which ik is passive learning and NOT helpful). the reason i wasn't able to start was bc i've been recovering from surgery and had a lot of health stuff pop up

what do i do, i need a minimum 70% to pass T-T and if not i'll be kicked out of uni i am SO stressed and don't know where to begin

i do have adhd-c, which makes focusing a nightmare and am about to get meds in 2 weeks for it

I'm a Canadian IMG studying in the UK, undergrad med, and had to repeat first year due to my physical health being really bad, which affected coursework.

I'm aware that as an IMG, I'd need connections, pass step 1, >260 on step 2 for the specific specialty I want, and USCE, which I'm not sure how to get as an MS1/M1. To be quite honest, I'm not sure where to start with all this, as I'm knee deep in exam season and trying to do my best to make sure I'm getting really stellar grades.

Although I think I can't apply to top programs, I will do my best to get USCE via an internship (again, not sure if any will give that experience to a first year). I believe observerships don't really count as USCE.

I will try for Canada; however, the ROS stuff is what's throwing me off and what I don't want to do. Hence, why I want to head for the States.

I’m ethnically South Asian but born and brought up in North America, and dare I say the last person someone would assume has some kind of disability.

I have CFS + AuDHD, along with chronic pain after a car accident almost 2 years ago, which makes mobility kinda sucky some days, and I have heat intolerance so I don’t do well with summer. I‘ve started to use a cane on days where my pain acts up a lot, or when I’m too fatigued to even move. I relocated abroad to do uni elsewhere and the stares I get from ppl is scary.

I’ve never been dealt with hate of any kind, even racism, however, I think the side eyes and glances have been very noticeable. I have decorated my cane with a flower garland, which makes ppl compliment it and see it as an extension of myself which I’m glad I can do.

I’m more confused and I guess embarrassed? No one else in my uni uses a mobility aid, minus this older staff worker who has a mobility chair + service dog. I’ve had ppl not bully me for it, but I’ve had ppl see me differently and it’s made going out with friends really hard. Don‘t even get me STARTED on making friends, the friends I do have actually do care, but the others I’ve tried to be around have either dismissed my pain, dismissed my fatigue and boundaries or overestimulated me to a point where I’ve had to just distance myself from them.

Seeking both advice + empathy if that isn't too much to ask.

I actually did better in online schooling in high school since I was able to take my time with a lot of what I needed to do, without any sort of difficulty. For the past 4 years, I've had extreme executive dysfunction to the point where nothing has helped.

I'll be getting meds hopefully in the next month; however, I am not able to start tasks even if I want to. It makes studying so much harder, and I have a huge exam in a month and two months of content to go over til then. I can't even stay focused if I (rarely) start something too; it's this vicious cycle.

I've tried waking up early, which has somewhat helped. I'm thinking of what I did differently to help during online school, and that was working out, but given how hot it is in the country I've relocated to for uni + humidity (we don't have AC's here), it makes working out a pain in the ass. I do try to get 10k steps and eat relatively healthy, home-cooked meals as well. Tried staying up at night, that didn't work either.

Caffeine is a hit or miss, drink too much, and I can't sleep for hours or feel mellowed out. Take too little, and I feel too tired. I had bloodwork done 6 months ago, which showed that my iron levels were slightly low, vit D levels were slightly low. For both, I've gotten supplementation, which has been somewhat helpful for my energy levels. Getting 7-8 hrs of sleep a day has been helpful as well, and I've noticed that if I get less than 6.5, I'm usually a zombie.

I'm in med school, if that helps, straight after high school, and I'm also repeating my first year because of how bad my undiagnosed ADHD was. Now that I'm diagnosed, meds are gonna take about a month to come through, and I'm scared to not do well on this exam.

Canadian IMG repeating first year med due to struggling with my physical health + recovery. Would repeating a year lead to an auto rejection, and would it be better to apply elsewhere because of it?

For any ROAD specialty, would it be an auto-rejection? I've brought my grades up to a distinction so far and am continuing to maintain them.

EDIT: added context

Apologies if this sounds really stupid, but, given the recent (well, I think it's been going on for a decade or so) ER, specialist, and even GP wait times, wouldn't it make more sense to allocate more spots not only to IMGs but also to CMGs?

I'm guessing that would mean more money going into it, yes, but wouldn't that make things better? If we have more professionals allocated for ppl to have appropriate care, less wait times, and better service overall, since not everyone would be overwhelmed. Not only that, but wouldn't that also lead to an increased demand for healthcare workers and less burnout since workers wouldn't be forced to be burnt out or work tirelessly?

Again, it was just a thought I had, and it's one I'd like to discuss. I'm from Canada as well as a citizen, born and raised doing med school abroad, and I got into this with another friend from Canada as well, who was talking abt how having more workers might help. What do you guys think?

i’m repeating M1 in the UK, and once a lot of my close friends from last year got the news that I was repeating, they abandoned me.

To mention, for context, I have BPD + AuDHD, which makes friendships already difficult for me but this sort of switch up was what put the nail on the coffin for me to just not attempt to make new friends. I have gone to society events, clicked with a person for a bit, and then afterwards it’s radio silence, especially when I try to message them to hangout or study together. I do go to therapy as well, and I am trying my best to not beat myself up.

I’m scared that because of this I’ll end up bitter or just lose all opportunities because I wasn't social enough. I’m already halfway through the new year and honestly no one seems to care about the repeating but, it’s the lack of actually anyone reaching out or even wanting to put in the effort that makes me push them away too.

Theres another part of it where because it’s med school, it’s either put your head down and grind for hours a day to get good grades or do more social stuff at the expense of learning. You can do both, I’m aware but whenever I’ve tried, I’m either brushed off or ignored at EVERY attempt to make friends, it does feel lonely.

It’s led to my depression getting worse too, just got diagnosed and upped a few meds because of it. I will say, however, that only one friend from last year who we got super close with, who is now in second year, actually cared enough to make the effort to see me once a week, takes the time out of her week to see me as do I vice versa. She helped me through so much last year and I couldn’t be more grateful.

So, what now? I’m too scared to even put myself out there because it seems like everyones already made their own little friend groups and cliques that butting in or trying to talk to them seems awkward and trying to be more social feels too forced. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve had intrusive thoughts of hurting myself, which ik how to get over the thoughts, it’s the stings that come with it that hurts a lot.

have been feeling my si/sh tendencies increase exponentially. therapy was helpful but i'm scared that i might do smth to hurt myself.

i've been to the hospital in the past for an attempt and while they didn't section me (i'm still unsure as to why bc i literally told them that i would do it again if left alone, did it, and they still let me go)

idk if i wanna be sectioned but i'm pretty sure that if i don't go to the hospital i might end up doing smth stupid. i tried samaritans and they hung up on me twice :/

Advice would be appreciated.

Long story short, I've been in no contact since July of last year with someone (because of smth I did, I won't get into that, but I wasn't doing well at the time), who said we'd talk in September of last year but hasn't. To this day, nothing. This person also owes me a bunch of money, which I'm scared to ask for as well.

I dunno if it's the lack of closure, but every time I'm reminded of this (not a day goes by that I don't tbh), it makes me more mad. Mad at myself for screwing up something like that, and mad at this person for not holding to their word. Every time I get mad at her, it's like a whiplash of emotions, ranging from agonizing yearning to crippling anger and frustration. I can't believe she'd just abandon me. I get why, and it's understandable too, but without ANY FUCKING RESPONSE? I sometimes feel like she's doing this purposely to try to torture me more, which could be a possibility, but I don't care too much about it.

No matter how many times I've talked about it with friends, at therapy, or journalling, NOTHING is making this go away. I want to move on from this, and I can't. I want to stop feeling like this over someone who doesn't care if I live or die. It's made me want to hurt myself BECAUSE of just how agonizing the pain feels.

I sent her an extremely long voice (~30mins) note last month, highlighting that I hope she's doing okay. I took accountability but told her that ik that's not going to change how you feel about me, nor will it take the pain away.

I'm mad at her. I'm mad that I haven't had closure, too. I'm also mad that she talked to someone else (who was also a big reason for her leaving) instead of me first. I'm mad that she just ditched me like I was worth nothing to her.

idk how to deal with this other than listening to music, smoking and letting it pass. It's so fucking annoying, i can't even focus on coursework because of it. Man, just end my suffering pls

EDIT: if you'd like context - i ended up being intimate over the phone with a dude she liked as this was impulsive (she wasn't dating him nor did she want to, and i did it because i needed another reason to >!kms !<bc of how bad things got in life), messed around with him (as a lesbian) bc it made me hurt myself more (the part where i used to hurt myself, she didn't know then but now she knows in the VN i sent her)

TW: >!suicidal ideation + past suicide attempts!<

Marking this NSFW as it delves into some darker mental health stuff.

I know that with repeating a year, you're supposed to grind and get your foot in the door in your first year, as an international student. I knew that my friends from last year might not be as open to hanging out or be busy with their lives, but I didn't think it would happen like this.

To note, I do have ME, and I'm neurodivergent (ADHD + BPD) with PDD (on medications for all), which makes going to class a challenge, but it's still doable. I don't think I want to make friends with this new cohort, even though we're one term into it. Plus, what's the point if they're going to either leave or judge for repeating a year? No one has tbh, if anything, they've been supportive of it since it was because of physical and mental health reasons. There's this person from my old cohort last year who was also repeating, and this person told me, "Usually repeating a year will weed out who actually cares and who doesn't gaf, even if they used to be your best friends, they can just up and leave."

I do have other people alongside me who are repeating, but none of them I'm "buddy-buddy" with, more like good acquaintances. I can't go back to my old sport because of ME; however, I do try to be nice to the people in my new cohort as best as I can. Recently (~1 week ago), I thought that my old friends from first year (last year) would wish me for my birthday, since we were so close, but they didn't really do anything, minus the one friend who is in touch with me, who I am immensely grateful for. I know I don't really have anyone else to blame but myself in terms of this loneliness, as I don't go out as much as I used to. However, I can't help but think of just how draining it is to start over from scratch, considering how important friendships are as a support system (I do have friends from back home and non-medical friends, which help TREMENDOUSLY).

Therapy's helping in a way, and I try my best to make an effort to mingle with this cohort, but everyone's either in a group of some kind or is friends with one another and beyond the "hi's" in a hallway, no one really cares? It's understandable that in a field as cutthroat as medicine, you're bound to come across people who are like that, but why? It did gear into the suicidal category these past few weeks (I have been suicidal in the past, attempting twice), as not only my birthday, but other times cemented that people actually don't care about me as much as I cared about them or that people aren't genuine sometimes.

With the way things are going, uni societies aren't much help either. I've tried. It's the same shtick, and no one really mingles within it, no matter how hard I've tried. It's made actually enjoying medicine a bit more mundane (since I've done the content already last year), and it's not even the content, which imo is what's helpful and not something that bothers me.

I just miss hanging out with some friends to study, or sleeping over a week before a final because we stayed up studying together or having some company over so that chores don't feel like climbing Everest.

Apologies for the ramble, just trying to get some thoughts out without lashing out at myself or others.

TLDR: repeating first year (sadly) came with losing past friends, feeling really lonely in this new cohort because of it and not sure what I can do to help it, even with ongoing therapy and medications, and it's led to a downward spiral.

this crippling emptiness hurts, especially on something as important as my birthday today and sm ppl just don’t seem to notice that.

im still kinda passively suicidal, but i’m not thinking towards it and it doesn’t help that im still hung up on an old fp who didn’t treat me right. it all hurts too much and i can’t stop thinking of either hurting myself or just abandoning myself for feeling abandoned. ik these feelings are temporarily but i feel left out :(