u/SweetieK1515

Please forgive me as I am still in mourning. We lost our baby girl last week. It all happened so quickly. We went to our 20 week anatomy scan and she was normal. Heard her heartbeat, confirmed her gender, everything was good. I was feeling fine. All of a sudden we were told to go to the hospital and in less than 12 hours, I was induced and delivered our angel. I was not a candidate for a cerclage when they found this bc my cervix was already so dilated.

The nurse did say that with this insufficient cervix diagnosis, they are able to track and closely monitor if we did decide to have kids. My husband has a cousin who went through this with her cervix insufficiency as well and was able to deliver 2 kids successfully after. I do wonder how this happens. Do they perform the cerclage right away once they find out?

My concern is that this baby was an ivf baby. I’m in my late 30’s but thankfully everything went well. She was the highest grade embryo and throughout all my visits, baby was doing wonderfully. I was doing great too. So I guess I am just curious on how this would work and if they were to monitor me more? Again I’m still grieving, my body is in shock and traumatized over what happened so I am curious to hear your experiences.

TW: 20 week pregnancy loss

Husband and I had an anatomy scan at 20 weeks yesterday and everything was fine, however, we were told to go to the level 3 hospital. And just like that, we were told the cervix was short and the baby wouldn’t make it so we needed to make quick decisions on my health and the baby. Background, we have been trying for years to have a baby and we are in our late 30’s. This was our first pregnancy. It was fine- labs were fine, I was fine, no sudden symptoms. And this happens. Within less than 24 hours, I had to get induced and deliver and go to the OR to remove the placenta.

We are so lucky that our nurse is also specialized in infant loss and grief and that’s helped and validated us. She brought us a book and resources. I know we need to heal through time and we plan on that but I so traumatized over what happened last night. I’m close to my 40’s and just scared. I know baby is in a better place and even with the worst case scenario of all this, we were grateful to have everything just work out bc we know it could’ve been worse. It’s just so hard.

I am missing my little girl so much and I hope she knows how much we love her and didn’t want for this to happen. My husband got a chance to see her after and said she was absolutely perfect. I miss not having my belly and her not being there but also there’s comfort knowing shes with God and our loved ones. Bc it was my first time pregnant I sometimes wondered if i took everything for granted? My husband and i love her so much and remembering always talking to her and already doing so many family things. I wonder if it’s bc we didn’t share that she was an ivf baby (we wanted to keep it private). Im also learning that this is unfortunately common.

TW: 20 week pregnancy loss

Husband and I had an anatomy scan at 20 weeks yesterday and everything was fine, however, we were told to go to the level 3 hospital. And just like that, we were told the cervix was short and the baby wouldn’t make it so we needed to make quick decisions on my health and the baby. Background, we have been trying for years to have a baby and we are in our late 30’s. This was our first pregnancy. It was fine- labs were fine, I was fine, no sudden symptoms. And this happens. Within less than 24 hours, I had to induce and deliver and go to the OR to remove the placenta.

We honestly credit our faith in God through all this grieving. We are sad but also feel grateful that this was caught when it was. This was God’s will but it sucks at the same time. We were lucky we had a priest on site to pray with us and for our baby. The grief begins more now event though we accepted it
When I delivered our baby, I felt comfort knowing she would be with God.

I’m just going through it the grief now. I’m just ranting and I hope our baby knows how much we love her and that she will be taken care of by God

I need to vent, and I honestly need some validation because today left me completely drained. In my experience, when I’m in my own lane, doing my thing, not disrespecting people and people disrespect me, they get it baaaadd. Been having a difficult time with career and I’m almost ready to just go on to the next opportunity, even though I just got promoted.

For context, I work in IT, good on paper, get along well with most people and do my job well but keep my head down to avoid being further targeted. What’s interesting is I get along great and have respect from other people outside my team- other workers, leadership, managers, analysts, and our end-users. I was recently promoted to senior and no one on my team congratulated me. If anything, new hires and everyone outside my team congratulated me. I’m not sure what I’ve done to have the majority of them not like me but it seems they’ve replaced me with the person who left, who was also a WOC but she was also feeling disrespected.

Today, the toxicity was high. Boss had an emergency meeting with the 3 of us seniors. I gave good, measurable feedback based from my experience being a chair member on a global organization. I was not bragging but suggested building a team portfolio to help with re-engagement and prevent being on the cutting board bc that’s what he was worried about.
Later on, he suggested making tutorial videos for our end users when two of the other seniors (a Pisces and a Scorpio) mocked me with, “oh Diana can do it! She can be on video! Since she’s in charge of the marketing! HAHAHAHA.” The history is that my boss had me in charge of doing this back in 2021 but kept changing goal posts. One of the gals tried to hijack it and I was still included but nothing came of it. As a former people pleaser/polite person, I didn’t agree to get along. In my stoic voice, I said, “hold on what is happening? WHO is assigning this to me exactly?! Okay, yeah we can stop.” They laughed and laughed until one of them back down and said, “just kidding.” Boss didn’t say anything but “tried” to diffuse by asking if we can do tip sheets based on new compliance rules which I then was fine again.

It’s getting draining being around this. If we are on the cutting board, I’m not surprised. My boss is conflict avoidant (libra) and has built this culture of favoritism, nepotism, and protecting low performers. My therapist encouraged me to take the current senior job i have for now for the pay raise and just apply once the baby is born. That’s another thing- I’m also pregnant. For a team who can’t even give me a basic “congrats” when we’ve done this for each other work other things, I’m even debating sharing it with them. I think telling my boss and HR is my only line of obligation now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I need to vent, and I honestly need some validation from other women in this space because today left me completely drained.

For context, I’m good on paper, get along well with most people and do my job well but keep my head down to avoid being further targeted. What’s interesting is I get along great and have respect from other people outside my team- other workers, leadership, managers, analysts, and our end-users. I was recently promoted to senior and no one on my team congratulated me. If anything, new hires and everyone outside my team congratulated me. I’m not sure what I’ve done to have the majority of them not like me but it seems they’ve replaced me with the person who left, who was also a WOC but she was also feeling disrespected.

Today, the toxicity was high. Boss had an emergency meeting with the 3 of us seniors. I gave good, measurable feedback based from my experience being a chair member on a global organization. I was not bragging but suggested building a team portfolio to help with re-engagement and prevent being on the cutting board bc that’s what he was worried about.
Later on, he suggested making tutorial videos for our end users when two of the other seniors mocked me with, “oh Diana can do it! She can be on video! Since she’s in charge of the marketing! HAHAHAHA.” The history is that my boss had me in charge of doing this back in 2021 but kept changing goal posts. One of the gals tried to hijack it and I was still included but nothing came of it. As a former people pleaser/polite person, I didn’t agree to get along. In my stoic voice, I said, “hold on what is happening? WHO is assigning this to me exactly?! Okay, yeah we can stop.” They laughed and laughed until one of them back down and said, “just kidding.” Boss didn’t say anything but “tried” to diffuse by asking if we can do tip sheets based on new compliance rules which I then was fine again.

It’s getting draining being around this. If we are on the cutting board, I’m not surprised. My boss is conflict avoidant and has built this culture of favoritism, nepotism, and protecting low performers. My therapist encouraged me to take the current senior job i have for now for the pay raise and just apply once the baby is born. That’s another thing- I’m also pregnant. For a team who can’t even give me a basic “congrats” when we’ve done this for each other work other things, I’m even debating sharing it with them. I think telling my boss and HR is my only line of obligation now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I feel like it’s really changed me as a person in good and bad ways. It’s really made me be hyper aware of who I can trust, who is genuine, and who is not. I am a generally private person but unfortunately I’m surrounded by some family members who are nosy, gossipy, judgmental, controlling and give unsolicited advice. You lose autonomy and it’s like you’re being treated like a child at times.

I know it’s hard for people to understand and I usually give people grace but there are some who have no shame and I am extra guarded with them. I’ve cut off friends who also felt so entitled and were so rude about it no matter how many times I’ve tried to explain or educate. So the usual annoying questions that the average women (with no infertility issues) go through don’t bother me at all, it’s the ones that go above and beyond for when they need to have the itch with how exactly I need to do this and that…they’re the last people who need to give advice. They’re not fertility doctors and they’ve never experienced it. I can talk about the shots, appointments, the years of trying and I understand not everyone will get it but it’s really made me extra guarded and weary of some people because they only want the gossip. People think I’m crazy bc they tell me, “this person is being supportive!” That’s not supportive to me when you’re asking about my health and husband’s health and trying to play doctor, especially when I’ve told you I don’t want to discuss it.

And then when you have good news, people insist on getting the same play-by-play of everything you’ve gone through and re-open the trauma of the trying and going through it for years… it’s a lot. I would rather not. But people who are not infertile or haven’t gone through ivf don’t get it

who don’t deserve it. FTM IVF patient; geriatric 39 y/o mom with years of infertility. Months leading up to the ivf process, I distanced myself from people. They just wanted the gossip of my infertility journey so they can insert themselves and give unsolicited service and 2 cents, and I felt like because I’m a private person, they were able to use that currency as power so they would have insider information. I know people deep down want to help but that’s a them problem. They want to help so they can feel important about themselves. I honestly would not be afraid to tell people today and put my hand up and say, “whoops sorry. Not open to advice. I only get advice from infertility specialists” which is TRUE! Why tf would I get advice from you that I didn’t ask for and you have no experience being infertile?!

Now that it’s 2nd trimester, I’m cutting and distancing more of this behavior. I just can’t tolerate bs anymore because I feel like I don’t have the time and energy and bandwidth (literally) to take it on. Reciprocating is also another thing. There’s family members that don’t even reciprocate and I find myself thinking, “yeah sorry. You can find out the announcement through the grapevine. If you don’t have time to confirm a simple text from me, I don’t have time to waste my energy telling you good news.”

I feel like I’m on rapid fire with mental notes, keeping threads silent or blocking people. I just don’t have time. I’m not trying to be mean spirited, it feels like survival. Is this normal?

Been with my man for 14 years, and married for half. Besides my regular annoyances I have with him, he’s usually pretty chill. Grew up in a turbulent environment with narcissists but since we got our place, it’s been chill, cozy, full of love and good food. It’s been a relaxing environment for both of us and we give each other space. We’ve been going through years of infertility and now that we’ve been blessed with one on the way, he seems to be regressing.

Hiding and lying his bad and weird habits. When I confronted him, he said he’s been doing it all this time like how he would with his parents. Thing is, before I was pregnant, he would be open and honest with me. And now since I was, i told him he needed to stop or limit it. Instead he lies and I caught him. I was insulted he would even put me on the same pedestal as his parents. I’m his wife- I don’t judge him, I communicate, and I’m pretty honest/blunt/straight, and I don’t nag. He also is a libra rising which I think is another part to why he does his passive aggressive people pleasing and I’m so close to quitting. He hates liars as do I but for some reason he thinks a white lie with his bad habits protects me and spares my feelings.

He’s grown a lot in the past few years with his toxic family who are so enmeshed with one another but he’s been regressing and acting more of a good son than a good husband and wanting to get his parents approval. The man is almost 40- what?!

I don’t understand it. I told him my peace and have been distant with him where he thinks he can smooth it over with food. I told him I can’t even eat with him and rather than pout and cry, he left me alone.

Any clue to why he’s like this now?

Interesting situation here and not sure if any of you have experienced this. My grandmother is in her 90’s. My mom (boomer) is the oldest and has been the responsible, dutiful daughter. I’m very lucky that my (millennial) parents did not raise us with utang na loob. Siblings and I are grateful and pay it back when we can but it’s not expected.

Because my mom has been so focused on performing the role of “perfect daughter”, my grandma will not stop using my mom as a cash cow and it’s infuriating. My mom already pays for her mortgage every other month. Grandma and people living with her (family) are expected to pay for some rent, water, and electricity bills. There are months when they don’t do it or have enough but it’s suspiciously after they’ve made big home purchases or unnecessary cosmetic house renovations. They live in another state so when my parents visit, my mom gets so upset at how dirty and messy everything is. Instead of spending time with her mom and other family outside the house, she cleans it along with my dad…only for them to mess it up again for the next time they’re there. When they go grocery shopping, the other family members living there will just add food in the cart. They all get home and it’s expected my mom cooks for everyone….

My parents are retired and haven’t had their own vacations they’re been wanting to go. My grandma will offer to help a distant relative in the Philippines only for her to tell my mom to give money. My mom has supported my cousin in college in the Philippines including exams, travel airfare. Luckily she’s a U.S. citizen now but it was at the expense of my mom. My grandma has child favorites and wants to give and treat the money my mom gives (just for her) to them because they’re Kawawa. Meanwhile, my mom being the responsible one has to be responsible for them? Also, don’t get me wrong, I do blame my mom too for being so giving.

The last straw was when my grandma called my mom and casually said to my mom that she needs $5000 because she can’t pay for the mortgage and it’s a “small fee”. Again, my mom is retired. She needs to enjoy her life and I’m worried my grandma is going to keep taking advantage bc my mom won’t say no. Again, my mom isn’t innocent either for complying. I already had a talk with her and my mom would say, “well when I had you we were in a tough spot financially and she sent me money.” Me: yes, she’s your parent. It’s her job to help. Not all parents do but she did and you are grateful. You do nice things for her but you don’t owe her forever for that one situation. You are her child. If I had an emergency, I don’t expect you to help but grateful of you did and would pay it back but grandma is taking advantage.

Sorry for the rant but I’m so upset for my grandma who is already so old and taking advantage of my mom. Oh and my grandma doesn’t want to move to where my parents are. She wants her own space in her state.

FTM at a geriatric age (39) via IVF after years of infertility. I’m entering the 2nd trimester soon and could not wait to get back to my routine. I would do barre3 strength classes and lagree. I’ve been looking forward to working out but now that I’m getting closer, I’m almost terrified going back. I did do some barre 3 class within first trimester and stopped during the 4th or 5th week- just couldn’t do it. With lagree, because it’s a lot of core work, I’ve generally stayed away from it. I am curious going back and I know there’s modifications to certain moves but I would feel like such a hassle to the instructor.

Anyhoo, is this normal feeling scared? I know I need to get back into it. Any advice?