u/TerribleTerror3375

Hi, bi woman (30s) here 👋 I'm wondering how people navigate the (already abysmal for more general reasons) dating scene being both LGBTQ+ and Catholic? I'm kind of a hodgepodge of beliefs that don't fit cleanly into any sociopolitical bracket (I'm someone who thinks very critically about things and believes what makes the most sense to me from a mostly logical standpoint - I know, I am a terrible person according to the Internet mob 😭) and some of my thoughts would probably get me kicked out of more conservative-leaning Catholic social circles for being too liberal. But I'm also a regular weekly Mass attendee, am pretty marriage-oriented (I don't like casual dating culture at all), sing in choir, etc. and my church community and my faith are very important to me. I feel like I'm either too progressive for most single devout Catholics or too religious for most single LGBTQ+ folks, but I'm not willing to compromise either aspect of my person just to force a relationship that wouldn't even be a good fit in the first place. So...how is it even possible to find like-minded people? I get that I'm a weird outlier even among outliers but to quote The X-Files out of context "I want to believe" (lol) it's possible to find someone compatible whom I won't feel the need to hide parts of myself around.

I'm also neurodivergent (seeking an AuDHD diagnosis) and have had lifelong struggles with anxiety and mental illness (OCD, depression, trauma). so those are additional complications that just make the whole issue too overwhelming to even contemplate sometimes. My last bf had similar issues and we initially connected over that shared understanding, but he leaned more conservative socially and in retrospect I don't think it would've been a good fit long-term, especially when I learned that he seemed to have some...outdated views regarding neurodivergence and mental health care (ironic considering he himself had ADHD). Idk I'm rambling now, apologies, it's just gotten to the point where dating just seems impossible and I've kind of given up lol

TW: Mention of suicidal ideation

For clarification, I've been doing IFS therapy for several months now, which for me internally is very helpful. However my external circumstances suck and I am still looking for work and struggling with being able to move to a different physical location away from the toxic family environment that is responsible for the majority of my trauma. Because of that, even with the internal work I still tend to be in a constant state of overwhelm and hypervigilance to the point that keeping myself grounded in the moment actually can have the opposite effect of being helpful and instead remind me of how hopeless the present moment feels. Which then exacerbates my suicidal ideation. I did an experiment today where I told my "runner" part (that's the one who constantly wants to escape in order to protect the more vulnerable parts) that it had permission to take the other parts "out of the moment" for a bit so they wouldn't have to feel as overwhelmed and in pain. I think, unlike grounding, it actually did help. The only catch was that I told it that when I needed to reel them back into the present moment, they'd need to listen to me. They seemed receptive to this, so it was more controlled than just randomly having an out of body experience out of nowhere that would make it more difficult to function. Idk if this counts as some kind of meditation or whatever but I genuinely feel like the more vulnerable parts need to be given the right and the opportunity to escape until I am able to live somewhere else. Obviously if I was living in safer circumstances I'd maybe not want to rely on this method so much but right now I feel like I have to otherwise I might put myself at further risk of harm

As promised I'm back with my assessment of the final SJTR book and while it thankfully didn't infuriate me like Escaping From Houdini did, I just thought it was very lackluster?

-The majority of the book was yet more unnecessary Cressworth drama that ultimately ended up getting resolved "offscreen." Why make such a big deal about Thomas' forced engagement to Miss Whitehall (I think that was her name) if it was just going to be resolved via some exposition at the end of the book? It made it feel like all the tension in that subplot was wasted

-H.H. Holmes as the culprit was pretty obvious but even then the murder mystery plotline deserved way better development. Thinking back to the first book, there were so many twists and turns in that, but it feels like Maniscalco fell off on really leaning into the genre after book two. Also while I respect the amount of research she did into the rumors of the Homes/Ripper connection, the way it was executed in the context of the story really fell flat for me. Based on the Author's Note it did sound like she'd planned for that plot twist back before she even wrote the first book, but I think she spent so much time on the Cressworth engagement fiasco that there wasn't enough room left to really flesh out that plot point in a way that felt like it was earned

-Mesphistopholes getting shoehorned back into the plot just felt random, especially given that Thomas was so comfortable with reconnecting him and Audrey Rose???? I know he was there to explain Minnie's appearance but again, Thomas was way too chill about the whole thing after what happened in the third book

-I'm glad Thomas and Audrey finally did get married but after the insanity of book three their relationship sort of lost all its appeal and I was just sort of meh at the end. Which is a shame because I loved their dynamic in the first book and in part of the second book (when Audrey wasn't yelling at Thomas for being controlling...even when he wasn't)

Anyway that's it, I'm glad this one didn't make me want to chuck it across a room this time but it was such a whimper of an ending to a series that I thought really started out strong and had a lot of potential

I just started season 5 and this plotline is still going? 😭 I don't understand why they introduced it in the first place. First off, how old are Ben and Maggie anyway, and second, the whole thing with the spikes transferring his feelings to her is just weird because wait, so she has feelings for Ben that she didn't consent to? Why was this subplot necessary? I'm so confused

This happens like clockwork every summer where mine just "resets" itself during summer months (cycles are shorter) and then goes back to normal in the Fall (usually in September-ish)???? I've read it can be related to heat, change in circadian rhythm, more vitamin D from the sun, etc. but it's throwing my whole schedule off every year and idk what to do about it 😭 It's harder to track my mood this way too. Man I just want to hang out at the pool without hating life

TW: Suicidal ideation mention

I already dealt with bullying and exclusion growing up and yet it never ends????? Especially online. It's like it gives every mean girl mentally stuck in middle school the free reign to continue treating other girls like shit without consequences. Can y'all GROW UP or is expecting adult emotional maturity from actual adults too much to ask? I'm already passively suicidal and in weekly therapy for depression and anxiety, I don't need additional interpersonal bullshit to add to the pile. At this point I think female solidarity is a myth and I should probably just jump off a cliff and stop trying to interact with people because 99% of them are going to be assholes anyway

TW for mention of suicidal ideation

Background: I am currently out of work and technically disabled to a long list of mental health issues so I am stuck living at home. I have long suspected my mother is a narcissist in the truest sense of the word and everything they say about the behavior and abuse getting worse as the nparent ages is 100% true. She has emotionally manipulated and verbally abused me for my entire life, gaslit me to the point where I didn't even recognize the abuse for what it was until I was maybe around 25 or so, and seems to consider me a possession or an extension of herself rather than an individual person (she literally still wants to know where I'm going when I leave the house or who I hang out with like I'm 16 and not an adult woman and will get angry if I reasonably say that I am an adult and she cannot treat me like a teenager anymore).

At this point it feels like she treats triggering me like an Olympic sport and if I'm successfully set off to the point of blowing up or sobbing over being pushed too far (I also suspect AuDHD for myself so I'm very prone to meltdowns when overwhelmed and I am in a CONSTANT state of overwhelm right now) it's like she's won a gold medal in "see YOU'RE the problem and I'm such a suffering martyr for putting up with you." EVERYTHING is a mind game with her - there is no such thing as normal communication and I literally cannot trust anything that comes out of her mouth to be taken at face value because she knows my trigger points, exploits my anxiety (which she is a primary source of in the first place). She will say/do things I believe to purposely emotionally unbalance me, either because it gives her satisfaction or makes me more dependent on her for "care." She treats my therapy like it's supposed to "fix" me when SHE is the main reason I need therapy in the first place, and her increasing attempts at manipulation are also the reason why I suffer from daily >!suicidal!< ideation. >!I literally wake up every day with one of the first thoughts on my mind being "I want to die" or "I wish I was dead" or "God, please end this soon I don't care if I die young, I just want it to be over." My faith falters on a revolving basis because I am stuck and it feels like God is doing absolutely nothing to save me from this situation. !<And yet -

The Experience: After one particular "conversation" which mostly consisted of her moral grandstanding and playing martyr and triggering me, all the usual stuff, I understandably got angry. You know the scene in Matilda where her dad forces her to watch TV and she's so filled with rage that she destroys the TV set? That kind of anger. I didn't lash out because I had somewhere to be and I am trying hard not to respond to her anyway, so I just had to let it sit while driving to my destination. But then something bizarre happened while I was mulling over my own feelings.

I suddenly felt this wave of INTENSE anger the likes of which, even with a lifetime of mistreatment, I have never felt in my life. It was so powerful it actually scared me, and that's when I realized it wasn't coming from me. It didn't feel like my own anger, it felt like something else beyond me, and even though I myself was pretty angry at that moment, nothing could possibly compare to what I sensed at that time. In reflecting on it I could only come to the conclusion that this was some kind of rare spiritual experience in which I believe God broke through my own doubt in whether or not he cares enough about my situation and let me "see" his anger at my mistreatment instead of simply my own. Like I said it was absolutely terrifying. I don't know how to explain this to skeptics but I kind of just knew that that's what my mother will likely face when she faces her own judgment. And in a weird way, as scary as that was, it did comfort me, at least for the time being.

When I fall into a bout of despair (as I'm currently in again, it's a cyclical thing because my mother never misses an opportunity to tear me down the minute I try to set boundaries or seem to be feeling happy/doing well for myself), I try to go back to that moment. I still have no idea how or when I'm supposed to get out of this predicament and I get angry at God frequently for allegedly not doing anything but it helps to go back and remember that experience. What I felt...as much as I believe my mother deserves to face consequences I still would not wish having to face that anger on her, or anyone really. It was that terrifying. Trust me, you do not want to be on the receiving end of it. Despite all of the OT stories about God unleashing his wrath on those who've harmed others don't think any of us really can fathom what that actually means. I know I likely only was given the gift of seeing a tiny fraction of it. I don't want to know what the full brunt of it feels like. But I'm confident that it was a message meant to keep me going. He's far angrier at the way I've been treated than even I am myself, and even in the midst of the doubt and frustration deep down I know that means that I am loved

Warning: Unpopular Opinion/Rant ​Ahead

To start off, I loved the setting/atmosphere of this book and for the most part enjoyed the mystery as well (including the twist ending). However I haven't seen many people being put off by the weird way it handled the teen relationships, particularly the way Emma and Vivian related to older guys, and despite being intrigued by the mystery it's now making me less than enthused about checking out Sager's other work. I would've put it on my recommended list were it not for that but honestly with the way the story turned out some of the details in that regard gave me the ick and I'm ​confused as to why more people haven't complained about it? (Possible trigger warning):

-Emma (13) had a crush on Theo (19). Having been a 13 y/o girl once myself this in itself isn't strange, it's normal for girls that age to have crushes on people older than them without understanding the implications of being in an actual relationship with said older people. That being said, Theo's response to Emma was what pushed me into total yikes territory because okay, she kissed him in a naive 13 y/o girl move, fine, but his only qualm about this was not knowing if it was a joke. I'm sorry what? Sir you weren't going to tell her "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I'm a grown-up and that's why it's not okay?"

No instead when they're older, the only thing he said to her was, "If you'd been older I would've kissed you back" and I kid you not I was almost STUNNED while listening to the audiobook that this was the way this plot point was handled. Okay weirdo that's...not endearing? It just comes across as strange and low-key implying that you liked her? At...13? And it just would've been weird for him to reciprocate solely because of the age gap and not because that age gap was literally an adult vs. a child. It was so strange that part of me wanted to DNF at that point but I kept going because tbh I wanted to know if the story was eventually going to reveal that he in fact had been a creep and the culprit all along. And that Emma convinced herself that she was lying as a coping mechanism so she wouldn't have to deal with the fact that she and the other girls were at least emotionally taken advantage of, which his mom then tried to cover up.

Imagine my disappointment when that not only not happened but then all the weirdness was brushed off at the end. Plus there was a possibility that she and Theo could be together after everything blew over. What? Also why as a fully-grown woman was Emma not put off by the "If you were older" comment? Idk if Sager just fell prey to "man writing a woman without consulting enough actual women during the research phase" syndrome but as a fully-grown woman myself I would've been backing away slowly at that point and any nostalgia for this guy would've been gone. That's not cute, nor does it quite work for a "childhood friends to lovers"-type storyline, it just raises WAY too many uncomfortable questions about 19 y/o Theo's state of mind during the flashbacks

-Vivian (16) hooking up with the also ​older groundskeeper (19? early 20s?) was similarly glossed over in a way that made me uneasy. Yes, she orchestrated the situation in order to get the keys to the tool shed, but it was framed as her taking control of the narrative or whatever and not "bruh why was this ADULT MAN encouraging a minor to engage with him instead of ignoring her advances??????" There was one line where he was like "technically I didn't do anything illegal because it was consensual and I have daughters now so I would be mad if anyone else hurt them" like that was supposed to make it better, and then again, one line of Emma being outraged because Vivian was only 16. And then THAT WAS IT. This was never mentioned again outside of the tool shed plot point, like it wasn't important enough for anyone, including the author, to consider that even if Vivian was purposely trying to come on to the guy he shouldn't have encouraged her because he knew she was too young???????? Tf?????????

Anyway like I said I enjoyed the vibe of the book ​but this one particular detail​ turned me off to the whole thing overall, I still feel the ick when thinking about it, and I also feel like I can't recommend it solely because of that. If Sager had been more on the nose about why the age gaps between the girls and the guys were inappropriate at the time instead of brushing past that detail, it might have saved the book for me. But that's not what happened ​so​ my final takeaway is just that this was a massive let-down. ​I saw maybe one reviewer on Goodreads who felt the same but again, I'm surprised more people weren't bothered by it as well

Adult reader here. No I'm not giving this book a free pass just because it was marketed to the YA age bracket. That's not an excuse for anything. If I could insert a thousand screaming gifs right here because GOOD LORD was this an experience and not a positive one. I enjoyed Stalking Jack the Ripper despite its flaws, and even with Audrey Rose acting like an idiot for the first half of Hunting Prince Dracula (which I ranted about here a little while ago) I did find parts of it entertaining enough that I managed not to ragequit before the end. But this book? THIS BOOK?????? It's now on my list of Books I Consider My Archnemeses next to Fourth Wing (apologies to any fans) which is still in the #1 spot. This is a great dishonor and any book that ends up on this list really managed to infuriate me, which doesn't actually happen that often so it's a big deal when it does. Again, it's not the age bracket that was the problem - I read all sorts of books for all age groups without prejudice and enjoy them if I think they're written well, but I think would've crashed out even worse if I'd read this book as a teenager. It feels like it was written solely to cure the "I want to write a book with magical circus vibes too but creating an aesthetic is going to supercede crafting a good plot" bug that bit everybody in the wake of The Night Circus (trust me I have just as many grievances against the Caraval trilogy because of this). Because seriously WHAT was this 😭

List of Complaints in No Particular Order

-There was absolutely NO reason for this book to be over 400 pages long. The vast majority of it consisted of what turned out to be a somewhat pointless and extremely meandering subplot involving Audrey Rose (AR) and Mephistopheles (M). Nearly all if not all of it entirely could have been cut out because the "bargain" between them barely even made sense and only existed to manufacture unnecessary drama between AR and Cresswell (C). Two thirds of the way through I was like "What even is the point of this?" and couldn't come up with a sufficient enough answer to justify it being a major plot point. I am amazed the editor didn't have anything to say about this because it really dragged the book down and distracted from the mystery, and then didn't really even end up being relevant to the murderer reveal

-Splitting AR and C up for nearly the entire book was a MASSIVE mistake. Part of what got me through the weaker parts of the previous two books was the banter and the working relationship between the two of them. Even in AR's most frustrating moments, the banter between them was fun to read. This book by contrast was such a slog because the author just had to create an unnecessary love triangle (that barely even was one because AR was only mildly interested in M so you never really believed she was legitimately going to dump C for good). AR and M had no chemistry, the banter was annoying, and every time they had a scene together I felt like tearing my hair out because...

-MEPHISTOPHELES IS THE MOST OBNOXIOUS ROMANTIC RIVAL IN THE HISTORY OF ROMANTIC RIVALS 🤬 Okay yes I'm exaggerating, but THAT'S how much I hated this guy. Setting aside AR losing all of her deductive brain cells for no reason because the plot said so (seriously he was so off from the very beginning that there was NO way any sensible person would've made any kind of bargain with him), he was seriously the absolute worst. First off, he KNEW AR and C were together from the moment he met them and yet decided to interfere with their love life for...what? Shits and giggles? There was never any clear reason for it, he just did it because again, the plot said so. Also talk about the disrespect - SIR THE WOMAN WAS ALREADY TAKEN. LEAVE HER AND HER FIANCE ALONE!!!!!!! Yes, I get that the point was to "explore" AR's fear of being trapped in a marriage and needing to overcome that by recognizing that C would never try to cage her, but it was so horribly executed I wanted M himself to be murdered by the end.

This guy literally took advantage of her emotional vulnerability by intentionally confusing her about her feelings and dangling "what if you could have REAL freedom with ME" in front of her all for his own satisfaction apparently. Then he purposely tried to make C jealous - again, for his own apparent satisfaction - by waving his fake relationship with AR in front of his face, even when C was trying to help him save his carnival in investigating the murders. He never even thanked C for helping to save his ass in the end? Like bro your carnival survived because he and AR figured out who the real culprit was and thereby took the heat off of you??????

In addition to this, he was extremely creepy when pushing not one but TWO kisses on AR when she was still confused and HE WAS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER CONFUSION!!!! And then when all was said and done he was framed as being a good guy all along and was never held accountable for any of his shitty behavior by either AR or C?????? If I was AR I would've slapped the life out of him both for assuming "oh yeah she actually wants me to kiss her even though she's engaged to some other guy and is extremely conflicted right now" and for inadvertently almost getting my fiance killed. Because it was his shenanigans that got them too embroiled with the carnival in the first place. Plus the fact that he insisted on continuing the performances even though someone ended up dead after every single one iirc? I get that he had a business to run but what an ass! Also, again, the "I know you wanted it" attitude towards the kissing, like wtf no! C should've thrown him overboard after finding out about the dumbass bargain

-The Liza/Houdini plotline was barely relevant even though the book made it out to be a big deal at the beginning. Again, the AR/M plotline overtook EVERYTHING including

-The actual mystery. I thought the culprit made more sense than the one in the previous book, but there was so much meandering in the middle of it that the reveal lost all of its impact by the time it happened. Referring back to point #1: the book was WAY too long. Most of the middle chapters felt like needless dramatic filler where the case didn't go anywhere and existed only to pad out the word count for seemingly no reason. I guessed the killer's motive pretty early on and there was no point to dragging out the investigation for so long when it was obvious either a carnival worker or a crew member on the ship had committed the murders. It felt like the author was trying to make it more convoluted than it actually was and ultimately it ended up becoming kind of a snoozefest. Which is unfortunate for a book that was primarily billed as a murder mystery

Anyway that's it for now. I have too much respect for books to hurl them across a room in a rage but the desire to do so is VERY real with this one 😭 Unfortunately for me I am a fiercely dedicated completionist (to the detriment of my sanity) so I will still be subjecting myself to the 4th book just to see how the series ends. If that gives me more to rant about, mark my words you will likely see me again lmao

I'm about a third of the way through the last Greystone Secrets book, The Mssengers by Margaret Peterson Haddix, ​and I think I finally realized the reason I keep zoning out isn't because of the story but because of the narrator? The books are split POV among 3 siblings mostly, who are all kids, and the narrator insists on doing a separate voice for each kid despite the fact that it's written entirely in 3rd person. I get that she wanted to differentiate each character's chapter, but I feel like she's overdoing the "kid" vocal inflections, especially for the two ​younger kids and especially at dramatic moments. Don't get me wrong - I like the kids as characters, I think Haddix wrote them well, ​it's mostly the narrator's​ voices that are driving me up the wall. ​I think she's reading them as too whiny when literally none of them are characterized that way? Even the little brother is more naive than whiny imo. Child character does not automatically equate to whiny-sounding voice, especially not for every child ​character. ​I've listened to other middle grade audiobooks where the narration and character voices weren't annoying so I think it's just this particular narrator. ​It's to the point where it's starting to take me out of the story and I'm wondering if I should just quit and switch to the text version to finish 🤦

I just got through movies 1-4 and this has got to be some of the ✨best✨ content Lifetime has ever produced. Dr. Beck is one of the most iconic movie villains of all time, change my mind. The "wHY wouLD ShE dO THaT I ThOuGHT ShE LOVED MEEEEEEE" tantrums he throws whenever he gets rejected are a riot but the alter ego hallucinations just add another level of insanity 🤣 I'm trying to find where to watch the 5th one - I watched the other 4 on YouTube but 5 is the only one that isn't on there.

Anyway I think #3 is probably my favorite so far, I liked that it flipped the scenario around so that Beck was the one being stalked and manipulated for most of the movie even though Sophie and Melissa's plan to frame him was way too complicated 😂 Also 100000/10 artistic choice to have ​a random dream sequence ​musical number at the beginning that was clearly a blatant rip-off of La La Land. Somehow that was still more insane than the "sexomnia" plot in movie 4 lmao