u/TugaMeioConfuso

I had my first therapy session with a new therapist. In my submission to schedule a session I mentioned gender issues and possibly gender dysphoria but that I do not want to explore gender and would rather go through other avenues such as coping strategies and other forms of self care as well as other explorations.

I was talking about my relationship with my parents and issues with my dad and in the end of the call she said in the next sessions and when I'm comfortable she would like to do a existential approach to my identity and my questioning and etc.

This is not what I asked for in my submission statement. This is not what I want. Are all therapists just going to force something on me which I don't want to explore and would rather find coping strategies? This is my 3rd attempt at finding a good therapist.

I don't want to explore my gender identity, I don't want to be told what to do or manipulated into exploring something I don't want to explore.

Are all therapists just going to keep trying the same bullshit I did not ask for? Is there no other model? I'm honestly about to give up on therapy if therapists won't do what I fucking ask them to do. I don't care about my gender identity and I don't want to explore it. I just want to feel better. Is that so hard to understand? It feels like talking to priests who want to tell me what is sinfull and what is not.

I was reading a wonderful book recently about a psychiatrist who survived a concentration camp in the holocaust.

The whole notion is surviving even the hardest things in life by having a goal, a purpose. The author survived some of the worst suffering humans have ever experienced by having the goal of writing about human suffering and persevering. His own survival was dependent on finding meaning.

Detransitioners, people with gender dysphoria and others who go through gender struggles suffer tremendously as well. I'm trying to find a meaning in life, something to stop me from obsessing about gender. I was very happy before this came up and I would like some peace of mind and a reason to keep going. I'm thinking about volunteering, getting more involved in religious practice (buddhism) and other methods. Basically doing good in the world for others. I also write powerful short texts in my native language when my emotions are very strong.

Life is so beautiful besides gender issues. Languages are fascinating mirrors to different cultures, and learning languages is so interesting. I love the sound of seagulls by my house. I love a thought provoking book and a hug from a good friend.

I want to find my passion for living again, without complex medical processes. A lot of stuff feels empty now that gender issues came up and I want the happy person I used to be back.

I didn't feel like this when I was a kid. At all. I was a happy kid. My friends were 2 girls and I was a guy and that was OK. I was fine with that. Never liked my name but its whatever.

Then high school, friends are all guys. I'm one of the dudes. Life is generally good. Im awkward and ugly but then I start to learn to take care of myself.

I'm attractive, suddenly girls like me. I go to the gym everyday. Best relationship with my body ever. I'm ripped. I have sex often. I make large groups of friends.

Sociable guy, everyone likes me. Finally accept I'm bisexual. University ends. I ask people to call me by my surname.

I start working. Huge group of friends. I'm not insecure, I'm confident, happy, attractive. I even start going by my name.

Move abroad, come back. Amazing job opportunity. And then suddenly.

Everything's fucked. My hands are strange now. They make me nauseous. I hate my name again. I feel weird being referred to as a guy. It's there 24/7.

I thought I knew who I was. I felt amazing in who I was. I was treating my trauma from when I was younger.

So why now? This has destroyed me. Back when I had a therapist I told her often that there wasn't a single thing I would change in my life. That's how unbeatable I felt. Nothing could hurt me.

Now it's gone. Forever. I won't be the best man at my friends wedding. I won't be the cool uncle to my friends or brothers kids.

I think if this is reality for me now I don't have much reason to live anymore because all the things I was looking for in the future will not be there anymore. Everything I built will be destroyed. And I don't even think I want to be a woman. So why do I feel so much gender dysphoria? What the fuck am I? I really did have a good run.

If I need to transition to feel better then it's just not worth it. Because everything I loved will be gone. And I would really rather be remembered by the happy go lucky fun guy then the shell of a human I am slowly but surely becoming.

God has punished me and robbed me of what I had.

Imagina o seguinte: estás a viver a melhor fase da tua vida. Tudo está a correr bem e sentes-te verdadeiramente feliz, resolvido, alinhado.

De um dia para o outro, acordas doente, com algo no teu cérebro e no teu corpo a indicar que algo está errado.

Ao início metes para o lado, porque apareceu do nada e parece irrelevante, é confuso e tabu, nem vale a pena pensar muito nisso.

É algo que ninguém consegue ver e não sabes bem explicar, mas que está lá. Vais pesquisar. Não, não pode ser, nem faz sentido.

Mas parece piorar com o tempo, ao início era quando estavas sozinho e distraído, mas lentamente começa a ocupar mais a tua mente.

De algo presente e algures na psique passa a algo que se assemelha a ansiedade e desconforto, como se houvesse algo perpetuamente errado.

Mas metes numa caixinha e continuas, não faz grande sentido, é tabu.

Vais perdendo as coisas que te dão alegria, porque está sempre lá. E sentes que estás a esconder que estás doente, que não estás a ser sincero com as pessoas a tua volta. Está sempre lá.

Com o tempo começa a ocupar cada espaço da tua mente, cada assunto, cada reflexo, cada pensamento.

Está sempre lá, 24 horas por dia, todos os dias. E as pesquisas dão te o mesmo resultado.

Começa a tornar-se cansativo, apesar de não o demonstrares a ninguém. Não te consegues concentrar no trabalho, socializar é vazio e ver uma série torna-se uma tarefa fútil e disruptiva.

Começas a ler relatos de quem é igual a ti e que tratamento teve.

Ponderas esse tratamento mas percebes que te vai deixar sozinho, que serás rejeitado.

Destruirá a tua carreira, a tua vida profissional e tudo aquilo que construíste.

Falas com alguém próximo, explicas que estás doente e já praticamente não consegues tolerar o sofrimento em que estás. A pessoa a quem confias rejeita, diz-te que estás a imaginar, diz-te para pensares noutra coisa.

Voltas a encerrar-te em ti próprio.

Mas está sempre lá, quando acordas, quando te deitas, quando vais dormir, a jantar fora com amigos, na praia a ver o pôr do sol, na reunião de trabalho, no encontro amoroso. Está sempre lá.

Fechares-te em ti próprio torna-se um reflexo, parte do teu quotidiano.

Passou a ocupar todo o teu espaço mental, mal respondes ao que te dizem os teus familiares, amigos, colegas de trabalho. Não te apetece, porque começas a ter pouca energia para viver.

Isolas-te, colapsas emocionalmente sozinho, rejeitas planos sociais, familiares, desligas mentalmente do trabalho.

Começas a ponderar a morte como uma solução, inicialmente é um exercício de escape mental.

Mas com o tempo, começa a tornar-se mais apelativo, começas a planear uma data, um método e a escrever a despedires te de quem amas.

Escreves uma e metes de lado. É só terapêutico e um escape.

Uns dias depois escreves a segunda, a quarta.

Há um ano que isto te apareceu e já não tens mais cartas para escrever.

Resta-te o método e o local.

I recently completely broke down in front of 2 of my friends. As a guy with potential gender dysphoria, heavily questioning my gender.

My friends were incredibly supportive even though they could not relate in the slightest. Still they supported me so much while I completely broke down and told them I was very close to killing myself.

I really think they saved my life. I had letters, a plan and a date.

They also told me to go a therapist and explore this and then my friend said something very simple which gave me so much relief.

She said;

-"Even if you realize this is something real and that you identify as something else besides what you currently are that doesn't necessarily mean you have to do something about it, there are ways to deal with this and still have a great life".

The amount of relief this gave me is surreal. Just the simple fact that she acknowledged that this shit is complex and I can explore all avenues and not have just a single path.

I have no clue how she even knows this shit, we know 0 trans people. She is just wise as fuck. I'm so blessed to have these people in my life. I seriously don't know how I can ever repay them.

I really think this is the problem with trans communities. A lot of my discomfort came from thinking there would only be one solution which I don't think will ever be a solution I want. And it's all I would read in online trans communities. "egg cracking", "button press", "take your pills, alice".

Just the simple fact that I had someone tell me IRL that I didnt have to do any of those things was life saving. Whereas all I got from trans forums was a 0 sum evalution of being trans or not being trans. That "well if you feel like this you are and must do X". That "cis people don't question it".

I can be a femine man, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

So grateful to my friends. I will be ok.

I was happy, confident. I was so sure about everything. I felt nothing could hurt me.

Waking up was a breeze and it was so easy for me to smile. Now its gone forever.

Therapy ruined my life. Gender dysphoria. 4th session. I was so sure of who I was. Now my mind doesn't stop obsessing about this. Therapist wanted to keep exploring it, I ran away from therapy and tried to put this in a drawer. It didn't work.

I'm broken, I was close to killing myself recently. Finally broke down and told a couple of close friends how I felt. They were supportive but I know most people won't be.

I'm so lost. I applied to a job abroad. I could get an offer soon. Do I go completely alone and explore this shit completely on my own? Do I stay here and try to explain this to people who would never understand?

How could I be punished like this? When I was so happy. I want to die. How can this happen to me. It's like the 10th time I make a variation of this post in multiple subreddits. No one has answers for me, not my friends, not my brain, not Reddit. No one.

I don't want to be alive anymore.

And the medical response is just one, which is the worst part. I want to kill myself.

That's all. Hope you're all doing fine.

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This was my suicide letter I wrote recently, the first part is stolen from a reddit post about grief. I found it so beautiful and comforting when I was grieving that I thought it could bring them some comfort. I'm somewhat better now. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, maybe just to show myself what I have survived

But anyway here it is;

Dear friends, family, those who are close and those who are far away,

A while ago, I read a very beautiful text about grief.

It was written by someone who had lost their life partner, and I hope it can bring you some comfort.

Grief comes in waves. When the ship sinks, you are drowning, surrounded by wreckage. Everything around you reminds you of the ship and of how it no longer exists.

The only thing you can do is float. You hold on to the wreckage just to keep your head above water. It may be something physical, a piece of clothing, a memory, or a photograph.

But you hold on, and little by little you stay alive and keep yourself afloat.

At first, the waves are enormous. They come only seconds apart and are overwhelming. They barely give you time to breathe.

After months, even years, the waves are still enormous and overwhelming, but they arrive further apart.

They leave you just as breathless, but you begin to realise that there is space between the waves, moments in which you can breathe, and even smile.

You never really know what will trigger a wave of grief. It might be a street, a song, a smell. It can be many different things that bring the waves back.

But between those waves, there is life. There is family, there are friends, and there are small moments of happiness.

Later on, the waves become visible from a distance. Christmas, a birthday, an anniversary, a particular date.

And just as you survived them before, you will survive them again. Exhausted and out of breath, but alive.

I ask you to look for the space between the waves, no matter how difficult it may seem.

I want to tell you that there was absolutely nothing any of you could have done. Nothing would have changed this decision.

You will be drowning for so many years, some perhaps forever and that was what weighed on me the most. It was an intense inner battle I seem to have lost.

As for the reasons, it is difficult to explain the deep suffering that has accompanied me for such a long time and that I've hidden so deeply.

I tried so hard to be happy. I fought in so many different ways. I don't know exactly when I began to give up.

I forced myself to stay present, and to show up but little by little I became more and more of a coward.

I wish I could apologise for the burden I am leaving behind, and remind you that I loved you very much, and that you were what made leaving the hardest.

I'm sorry. I love you.

Forever,

I am 27 male, this never came before recently and now its there 24/7. I mean never. I had no confusing gender issues at a young age, I was never nor wanted to be particularly feminine. I was just a normal kid. I didn't dress up or yearn to be female. I just never liked my first name. That's the only thing I can see any point of relevance.

I was so fucking happy all of my early 20s and until this came that late in life. I thought nothing could hurt me but I was wrong. So fucking wrong.

I'm grieving deeply the happiness I had, the guy I was and loved to be, how much of an amazing person I was and how much people loved being around me.

Now its gone forever, everything is hollow and sad and I feel there's no joy in life anymore.

I don't know who I am, I don't want to have to explore this. I felt completly invencible and fine as a dude. I was so confident I could walk up to any women and ask them out. Now It's forever gone and replaced by something that feels completely unreal and that doesn't make any sense.

I know that people say that if I have friends and family, I could stay here and explore it with them but you don't understand. This does not happen here. I would be rejected, people wouldn't understand. I don't blame them at all. I know 0 people who explored their gender or transitioned in any way. Everything here is deeply gendered and from birth. I wouldn't fit anywhere. I would just become the weird mentally ill person.

That's not what I want.

How can my happiness be robbed from me? Why would I be forced to choose between whatever the fuck this is and the happiness I had achieved. I don't want this, I didn't ask for this.

I feel like there's nothing left for me. I'm angry at everything and I don't deserve to feel this.

So this is a deeply complex situation.

Hard to even know where to start. I'm in a good financial situation. Decent salary, really low rent because I live in a family home that no one is using (but I still pay rent to help out, quite low, but still)

The thing is, I'm very broken mentally. It never ever stops. It is likely gender dysphoria and possibly a host of other mental issues. It really only came late in life at 27 after a therapist session, I genuinely never felt this before.

I have abandoned therapy because the shock was too much and there's no real pathway to explore gender here.

I also have a very good social life and I'm close to my family, however that social life and part of family connections would be gone if I even mention I need to explore my gender identity and then actually act on it. It is generally not an open environment for this. I wouldn't be in danger but it wouldn't be good.

I could move to a much more open place where it is much more normalized. I still would not be able to explore this publicly (at least bring it to work, because of my area of work) but I would be privately and socially.

I would be completely alone though, with 0 social support, also it would be a bad financial move and bad for my career. I have lived there in the past and eventually moved back because I was so lonely.

But I could potentially try to get some mental peace, that country and specific area I would be moving to is one of the top in the world in this medical field.

I don't know who I am or what I should do.

I know that moving wouldn't solve my issues but it could be a starting point to understand where they come from and how I could fix them. If it was possible for this to just go away and I could just stay here without changing anything in my life while feeling the mental peace I used to feel that would be best.

It is the ideal situation, but I'm starting to think its not realistic.

I started an interview process to go there and if they do choose to move forward with me I would have to make a choice, likely a final one because they would likely no longer consider me again if I bail last second.

The company I applied to would also very likely be my one opportunity as there's really not a lot of companies there where my experience would be relevant, especially not willing to move me there.

How would I even be happy while completely alone??

I'm at a breaking point here but I'm not sure if I would be better there. I'm mentally broken.

I'm incredibly lost and this is problably the worst thing that ever happened to me and I've gone through stuff. It doesn't feel real that this is happening to me.

So I've been posting here for a while. I'm a guy and this came to me suddenly at 27. It has been quite shattering and I feel like my happiness has been taken away from me. I don't know what this is, this dysphoria and terrible feeling.

For me this has never been "I want to be a woman" from the start but generally a big discomfort that never, ever goes away and that is crippling. I feel sad and just don't understand what this is and how it is part of the human experience.

Everything that brought me joy has slowly but surely become devoid of any real feeling. It's all just gender questions and discomfort all the freaking time.

I don't know what I need to do about it. I do know that if I had to explore it here where I live it would be social suicide.

This move should it be successful would be a step back in terms of career, social life, my financial situation etc, etc but I just really want to feel better. I need to.

The place I would be moving to has one of the best medical centres in the world for trans people.

I don't plan on transitioning unless there's absolutely nothing else I could do and I have exhausted every other option, from hardcore therapy, social presentation, etc, etc I will look for a therapist that won't do immediate affirmation and go from there. I will test the therapists based on the way they react and see if I can find a good match.

I have a couple of job interviews lined up, I just need one of the processes to be successful. Fingers crossed for me people.

It's been so long since I know him and we are very close. I'm also very close to his gf and I would never ever do anything to harm their relationship. I love them to bits, they are a great couple and super good together. And he is going to propose soon which Im super happy for them.

A few years ago we almost had a threesome. Kinda glad it never happened. Before they dated me and him almost hooked up too but I was still figuring out my sexuality as a bi guy, and I guess he was too since he says he is straight but might have been bicurious at the time.

Still whenever I'm with him which is usually in a group I can't help but think if he is noticing me. Whenever we laugh about something he's always te first person I look at. He's seriously one of my closest friends and I wish this would just go away. It's hindering my ability to pursue relationships myself and I feel stuck.

I never felt jealous of her at all though, it's more like I kinda wish I was a part of it.

Which is worse I guess, it makes me feel so weird because they have their own thing like and I'm on the sidelines. I feel like shit for even having these thoughts. I wish I could just be happy for them, which I am but still.

Soon they will have kids and I don't know what will happen to me. I have literally nothing going on in my life besides my job and my friends, which includes them. I can't really stop seeing them as it would be a huge thing and they would be hurt. So I'm lost.

I just uncovered this Pandora's box about 8 months ago. In the begining, when this first appeared it was a shock and I was deeply disturbed and incredibly broken, it shattered everything I thought I was.

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But I mean there's more to life than just feeling bad about the fact that you feel bad.

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Don't get me wrong it's constantly there and terrible but I mean some people have tinnitus, some have chronic pain, we have this shitty feeling.

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That's ok. It is what it is. If we're going to make this decision we can't keep feeling bad and feel bad that we feel bad.

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There's meditation, sports, partying, reading, shows to watch, a world to experience.

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Our body is just the vessel through which we travel the world, our names and what people call us is just how the world perceives us. Maybe they're wrong, maybe they're not, so what?

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My goal now is to spend less time in these forums.

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I compulsively come back to r/detrans and here and it makes no sense, because it brings me absolutely nothing except what I already know.

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Medicalization has a whole host of problems, social transition destroys peoples lives, but there's more than that to life.

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People may tell me that it gets worse over time, maybe it does. So what? If it does maybe I need to rethink my copping strategies or just actually do something about it.

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We've been handled a pretty fucking shitty hand at life, let's not make it our whole lives about it.

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I love the metaphor of waves, when they hit us we are drowning and we feel like there's nothing anymore but between this wave and the next wave theres a pretty funny joke or a nice sunset to look at.

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I don't have everything figured out and I'm hurting but at least I can smile because there are the moments between the waves. I truly hope people here can even slightly attempt to see this and reframe their minds.

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Native portuguese speaker, fluent in Spanish and highly advanced English level, about B1 in German. EU Citizen.

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Non technical background, my masters is in management but 3 years of experience in the tech sector in tech services/tech consulting sales.

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Only problem is very strong and debilitating gender dysphoria making me suicidal. I don't need to do anything other than present as a male at work, I'm 100% fine with that. I also really really don't want to become a lifelong patient or do any kind of intrusive treatments. At least not in the next few years until I have this fully 100% figured out.

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But I do need to take the time to explore this and see what it will mean for my future and how can I best deal with this with the least possible change in my life.

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I 100% don't want to do this in my native country. I need distance from it. I've been considering Spain, I lived in Barcelona in the past, absolutely loved it. I could go back. Any other options I could be missing?

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Anything I should consider? Other countries maybe? Or other locations in Spain?

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Any advice is appreciated.

Native portuguese speaker, fluent in Spanish and highly advanced English level, about B1 in German. EU Citizen.

​

Non technical background, my masters is in management but 3 years of experience in the tech sector in tech services/tech consulting sales.

​

Only problem is very strong and debilitating gender dysphoria making me suicidal. I don't need to do anything other than present as a male at work, I'm 100% fine with that. I also really really don't want to become a lifelong patient or do any kind of intrusive treatments. At least not in the next few years until I have this fully 100% figured out.

​

But I do need to take the time to explore this and see what it will mean for my future and how can I best deal with this with the least possible change in my life.

​

I 100% don't want to do this in my native country. I need distance from it. I've been considering Spain, I lived in Barcelona in the past, absolutely loved it. I could go back. Any other options I could be missing?

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Anything I should consider? Other countries maybe? Or other locations in Spain?

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Any advice is appreciated.

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I was considering microdosing hrt because I honestly just need to feel better and maybe that's something that would help. I don't want to lose my penis or balls or libido but I hate feeling like shit constantly and dysphoric as hell.

So I started digging about possibilities and we don't know?

What? We're giving hundreds of thousands of people strong life changing hormones and there's very little data on this? From a long term perspective? Genuinely terrifying.

What even is the point anymore.

I genuinely think that's also why my ex broke up with me. I'm tired. I could just start fully pretending I'm straight. I don't know what else to do. Gay guys have told me the same in the past. That I'm "pretending" or to pick a side.

I live in a tolerant country too, this is making me suicidal. I didn't choose this.

I'm not in a good situation. I don't know what else to do.

About 6 months ago I was seeing a therapist in the happiest period of my life. Nothing could harm me and I was invencible. Except for my job.

I began seeing a therapist. I think I knew on some level something was off.

I'm a bisexual male. The therapist asked me how come she could not "see" my sexuality from looking at me and what I thought about people who did "show" their sexuality. This was an ignorant question and I was kind of annoyed at it.

But I answered that I thought they were brave. We continued the session and later she circled back to it.

When she mentioned that I said they were brave I was instantly overwhelmed with anxiety and thoughts "I'm trans, I'm trans." This became obsessive and I immediately abandoned that therapist and started feeling things I had never felt before.

It's fucking terrifying and I'm angry at my happiness being taken from me. I now spend almost every waking minute thinking about this. I did have moments where I felt relief which was when I read about OCD and some OCD patterns and did see some of my thought patterns in there.

I do think there's a level of OCD to these feelings and thoughts, for example recently I was convinced my liver hurt because I drank too much during a long weekend and I scheduled a doctors appointment right away, only to be told by the doctor that livers can't hurt. I was convinced I had cirrhosis or at least fatty liver.

But at the same time there's definetly something else there as well, I never liked my own name and I've been feeling weird about things that were never a topic for me.

And the thing is I really don't want any kind of gender affirming care. I was fine with being a guy all my life or at even neutral about it.

Now my quality of life has severely dropped and I feel incredibly alone I also feel like shit a lot of the time.

In my country gender affirming care would be social suicide and my social connections are the most important thing I have. I kind of feel like my life has been taken away from me.

I don't want hormones or treatments or anything. I just want this all to go away and for me to have some peace of mind.

Realistically what can I do? Because everything I read everywhere seems to lead people to transitions and gender affirming care. Which I do NOT want at ALL and I especially don't want it to be presented as the first/only option for me.

I will admit I spend a long time reading forums about detransitioning. It gives me some sort of relief because it's like I can still come back even If I transition? I don't know anything I'm lost and scared.

And the options between feeling like this forever or imploding my entire life has been incredibly disruptive.