u/ambrose_recluse

Even when i was a kid, my dad would hit me really bad and shout at me. I used to hide and repeat to myself unconsciously “i miss my dad”. Maybe it’s confusing, but I guess i missed having a loving parent figure, who was never there in the first place

I was constantly sexually harassed by my father until i was maybe 16. Before that he hated me, my very first memories of him it’s him hitting me with the Alphabet book. Im now 25 and i just recently started to remember all that, feeling hopeless. There is no point in trying to talk about that to “trusted adults” i am an adult myself now, so who’s going to help me? I hate him for what he did to me, but there was also the good, even if it was in forms of grooming. Gifts, attention, money, i couldn’t help but feel attachment. Im so scared to go to therapy bc it will mean that it was real and I don't want that.
Im avoiding my father at all costs, my mother knows that i am having complicated relationship with him, but she only knows about his verbal and physical abuse. I just feel sorry for little girl i was, escaping from home at nights, out of fear of getting raped by her father, having no one to talk about that and not even realizing what was happening and that this is not normal.

Most people around me don’t understand that while being molested by my father makes him an abuser that i hate, it’s not so easy to always hate on him bc he is still my dad. Yes, i hate him and yes, i fear him more than anyone in the world. What i mean is that when something bad happens to him i cant thrive on his failures like i could on other abusers that are not blood related to me. Without him I would have nothing in this life, since he is the only working parent. So im stuck with this conflicted feelings

I was constantly sexually harassed by my father until i was maybe 16. Im now 25 and i just recently started to remember all that, feeling hopeless. There is no point in trying to talk about that to “trusted adults” i am an adult myself now, so who’s going to help me? Im avoiding my father at all costs, my mother knows that i am having complicated relationship with him, but she only knows about his verbal abuse I suppose. I just feel sorry for little girl i was, escaping from home at nights, out of fear of getting raped by her father, having no one to talk about that and not even realizing what was happening and that this is not normal.