u/crueltyorthegrace

The background story on why I feel this way is way too long, so the quick summary is a combination of these factors:

Mental health issues since I was a young girl, a verbally and emotionally abusive mother when she was alive, a nice but passive father, school bullies, extreme introversion and loneliness when I was growing up, friendship problems in uni, heavy assignment load in uni which led to a severe burn out, financial strain in uni, and then when I landed my first real job, I faced a lot of stress from the workload and I also got sexually harassed by a few male colleagues and was bullied by my female boss.

I am told that I am smart, educated, a gifted writer and that I am good looking and that I should be grateful that I come from a comfortable upper middle-class-ish family. I also have a good education.

Thus, people tell me that I shouldn't be depressed. To be honest, I am very grateful to God for all my blessings and I tell Him that every day through my prayers.

However, I have always felt a deep sense of emptiness and depressed feelings since I was young.

I was warded more than 10 times over a course of several years (the last time was in 2016) and I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (a combination of schizophrenic symptoms and bipolar) as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD: intense and unstable emotions, sense of identity, relationship problems, fear of abandonment, etc).

I even attempted once. I am glad that I survived and I have been surviving ever since due to access to psychiatry, medications and a therapist.

My abusive mom passed away last year and my relationship with my father has become close. I ignore his weaknesses and I accept him for who he is, the good and the bad. He loves me very much.

However, I still struggle every day to stay alive. I feel defeated in life. I was a good student in uni but my career is mediocre at best. That first job really stole my desire to live. I have not been able to replicate my academic success into success in the workplace.

Since I am working from home on unsupervised hours, I manage to finish my work well. However, when I am not working, my time is mostly spent on sleeping and bed rotting and scrolling social media. I also have hypothyroidism which makes me super exhausted.

I used to be bitter and angry at God for my failures, low energy and my mental health situation but now I just feel sad. I will be 40 next year and I feel so depleted.

I emotionally eat and this, along with my medications and illnesses, make me gain weight a lot. I try to exercise but I cannot lock in a consistent routine. If I am not going out, most likely I won't shower.

All of my life, especially in school settings, I have had to motivate myself extra hard. My supposedly high IQ did not materialise into high scores except in university.

What I am trying to say is this: how do I tap into the life source? I see so many people around me having the energy to bathe, groom themselves well, build fantastic careers, have a happy family and have a big social life and here I am, literally feeling dead at 39.

I tell myself to be extra compassionate with myself and to be patient with achieving success and that success is not linear. I rest a lot because I feel that the world is so depleting and that I am always in need of rest.

The background story on why I feel this way is way too long, so the quick summary is a combination of these factors:

Mental health issues since I was a young girl, a verbally and emotionally abusive mother when she was alive, a nice but passive father, school bullies, extreme introversion and loneliness when I was growing up, friendship problems in uni, heavy assignment load in uni which led to a severe burn out, financial strain in uni, and then when I landed my first real job, I faced a lot of stress from the workload and I also got sexually harassed by a few male colleagues and was bullied by my female boss.

I am told that I am smart, educated, a gifted writer and that I am good looking and that I should be grateful that I come from a comfortable upper middle-class-ish family. I also have a good education.

Thus, people tell me that I shouldn't be depressed. To be honest, I am very grateful to God for all my blessings and I tell Him that every day through my prayers.

However, I have always felt a deep sense of emptiness and depressed feelings since I was young.

I was warded more than 10 times over a course of several years (the last time was in 2016) and I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (a combination of schizophrenic symptoms and bipolar) as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD: intense and unstable emotions, sense of identity, relationship problems, fear of abandonment, etc).

I even attempted once. I am glad that I survived and I have been surviving ever since due to access to psychiatry, medications and a therapist.

My abusive mom passed away last year and my relationship with my father has become close. I ignore his weaknesses and I accept him for who he is, the good and the bad. He loves me very much.

However, I still struggle every day to stay alive. I feel defeated in life. I was a good student in uni but my career is mediocre at best. That first job really stole my desire to live. I have not been able to replicate my academic success into success in the workplace.

Since I am working from home on unsupervised hours, I manage to finish my work well. However, when I am not working, my time is mostly spent on sleeping and bed rotting and scrolling social media. I also have hypothyroidism which makes me super exhausted.

I used to be bitter and angry at God for my failures, low energy and my mental health situation but now I just feel sad. I will be 40 next year and I feel so depleted.

I emotionally eat and this, along with my medications and illnesses, make me gain weight a lot. I try to exercise but I cannot lock in a consistent routine. If I am not going out, most likely I won't shower.

All of my life, especially in school settings, I have had to motivate myself extra hard. My supposedly high IQ did not materialise into high scores except in university.

What I am trying to say is this: how do I tap into the life source? I see so many people around me having the energy to bathe, groom themselves well, build fantastic careers, have a happy family and have a big social life and here I am, literally feeling dead at 39.

I tell myself to be extra compassionate with myself and to be patient with achieving success and that success is not linear. I rest a lot because I feel that the world is so depleting and that I am always in need of rest.

The background story on why I feel this way is way too long, so the quick summary is a combination of these factors: mental health issues since I was a young girl, a verbally and emotionally abusive mother when she was alive, a nice but passive father, school bullies, extreme introversion and loneliness when I was growing up, friendship problems in uni, heavy assignment load in uni which led to a severe burn out, financial strain in uni, and then when I landed my first real job, I faced a lot of stress from the workload and I also got sexually harassed by a few male colleagues and was bullied by my female boss.

I am told that I am smart, educated, a gifted writer and that I am good looking and that I should be grateful that I come from a comfortable upper middle-class-ish family. I also have a good education.

Thus, people tell me that I shouldn't be depressed. To be honest, I am very grateful to God for all my blessings and I tell Him that every day through my prayers.

However, I have always felt a deep sense of emptiness and depressed feelings since I was young.

I was warded more than 10 times over a course of several years (the last time was in 2016) and I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (a combination of schizophrenic symptoms and bipolar) as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD: intense and unstable emotions, sense of identity, relationship problems, fear of abandonment, etc).

I even attempted once. I am glad that I survived and I have been surviving ever since due to access to psychiatry, medications and a therapist. My abusive mom passed away last year and my relationship with my father has become close. I ignore his weaknesses and I accept him for who he is, the good and the bad. He loves me very much.

However, I still struggle every day to stay alive. I feel defeated in life. I was a good student in uni but my career is mediocre at best. That first job really stole my desire to live. I have not been able to replicate my academic success into success in the workplace.

Since I am working from home on unsupervised hours, I manage to finish my work well. However, when I am not working, my time is mostly spent on sleeping and bed rotting and scrolling social media. I also have hypothyroidism which makes me super exhausted.

I used to be bitter and angry at God for my failures, low energy and my mental health situation but now I just feel sad. I will be 40 next year and I feel so depleted.

I emotionally eat and this, along with my medications and illnesses, make me gain weight a lot. I try to exercise but I cannot lock in a consistent routine. If I am not going out, most likely I won't shower.

The reason I am posting this in this group is because I think feeling being depleted is not just due to psychological and physical causes. I really feel that my Enneagram (5w4 with strong-ish 9) contributes to this low energy.

All of my life, especially in school settings, I have had to motivate myself extra hard. My supposedly high IQ did not materialise into high scores except in university.

What I am trying to say is this: how do I tap into a life source? I see so many people around me having the energy to bathe, groom themselves well, build fantastic careers, have a happy family and have a big social life and here I am, literally feeling dead at 39.

I tell myself to be extra compassionate with myself and to be patient with achieving success and that success is not linear. I rest a lot because I feel that the world is so depleting and that I am always in need of rest.

I'm starting a communications business with emphasis on social impact organisations as clients.

Please recommend me books to read. They don't necessarily have to collerate to the subject above though I would appreciate it very much if so.

So far, I am buying books on discipline, deep focus, being a good leader, and how to communicate using English for business.

To those who eat vegan and/or vegetarian, what are some items that you stock in your pantry?

I have not been consistent in my vegan/vegetarian journey and I want to change this by stocking on the necessary items so I won't have any excuse.

I went on Shopee and so far I am buying these vegan/vegetarian stuff: udon, instant noodles, "chicken" burgers, sausages, tempeh fries.

Feel free to also tell me:

- where you usually buy your stuff

- simple recipes

I have been speaking to a woman for over a week now. She DM'ed me on Threads after I made a post there seeking a relationship.

After some back and forth texting on that platform, we decided to video call each other last week.

Since then, we have been talking on the phone and texting on WhatsApp non-stop.

I find her smart, educated and ambitious. She says I am a smart and good person.

Our conversations have turned very cheesy and mushy with her mostly calling me 'darling' and 'baby' most of the time - however I have found it to be cringe even though I initated the names first.

Another thing: she wants us to rush and be extra romantic. She says that she is burn out from her lawyer career and wants me to be the soft space that she comes back to everyday during our calls.

But I said I cannot be that person to her yet because we haven't even met IRL. We do agree to meet up for a coffee date and she said she will have to find a time in her busy schedule. I said I don't mind and will wait.

I also said I would like things to take its natural course. I said i do have feelings for her but that we shouldn't rush into anything serious yet cos we haven't even met and we have only video called once.

I tried to convince her that I do foresee a relationship with her but only after we have met but she is demanding for too much love and affection now.

She also tries to guilt trip by saying "I know my needs don't matter it's okay" and other guilt-tripping things which angers me.

I told her that I found her advances too intense and she is sad about it. She reminds me of my first ex who was also intense about us from the very beginning in an almost masculine-like way.

Am I in the wrong here for wanting to take it slow, deliberate and tactical? In the past, my relationships bombed because me and my then partners would go into fast.

I am very aware of the intense rush that most lesbians go through and I don't want that to happen again.

What should I do? Right now, I am so annoyed by her that I don't even want to do another video call with her.

Hi,

I am a millennial with some troubleshooting money woes currently. Too embarrassed to post it here. Are there any professional financial counsellor services that can help me without costing too much. Thanks.

[PROBLEM SOLVED]

I am moving houses from a bungalow to an apartment soon. Currently my two cats are free to roam our huge garden. They are not supposed to come in (dad won't let it) but I do sneak them at night into my room and they go back out in the morning.

We will bring them to the apartment but I am concerned about the minimal space. My dad says we should put them into the laundry room but it's a small strip at the back of the kitchen. I am scared they will get depressed and overwhelmed.

I would like to ask my dad whether we can let the cats roam the living room during the day and then put them in the laundry room at night, but I doubt he'll hear it. He is concerned about hygiene and health (we both have asthma).

I am also concerned about how they will poop because currently they do it in the garden. They are 10 years old so will it be hard to train?

(By the way, I really don't want to rehome them).

I am 39 and I am exhausted from office politics. I also have severe depression. The thought of going to the office day in day out, battling the commute and dealing with toxic people, tires me out.

A few years back, I tried tutoring a child English but quit because of late payment every month.

I am thinking of returning to English tutoring, hopefully online as I will save money and energy that way.

Are any of you working as an English tutor? Share your experience, tips, grouse, etc..

Hi all,

I am a former features reporter but left the field after severe burnout as well as abusive colleagues and bosses.

I have been doing comms ever since, mostly from nonprofits. My passion for this is not the same but I would not like to reenter journalism anytime soon, not just because of the trauma and the stress but also because there are little to no high-quality publications in my small Asian country that focus on my interests: human rights, deep dives, art & culture.

A few years ago, I started a website that explores Southeast Asian art & culture at the intersection of human rights and politics and got some good reviews! Writers from my circle submitted their works even though I couldn't pay them most of the time.

There has been a lot happening in my life and the stress is still there (I have several mental health diagnoses) which made me pause the website for a few years. Recently, I migrated it to a proper domain and did some nice basic design, and have a few stories in mind to write.

Do you think this is a worthwhile project to continue? I will be switching jobs soon from part-time to full-time and tackling a project at the side seems a bit too much on my plate.

*That aside*, I would like to know if we all should pursue our passion projects on the side if resources (time, energy, money, etc) permit.

Tbh, ever since the website got traction, I have felt a bit of a burden as if I have to be productive at publishing stories every month.

At the same time, I don't want to be focusing on my FT job all the time.