u/elxbth

I’m sorry for what you’re all going through. It sounds horrible!

I’m 63 F and I live alone (divorced 6 yrs) and have 2 sons (25 and 28). My mother had dementia diagnosed in her 70’s but we were blessed she died of cancer before she lost her ability to remember people, places and things. Last year I told my doctor I noticed memory issues and had a brain MRI that showed normal aging. Followed up with a neurologist who came to my condo and administered a test. She diagnosed me with Mild Cognitive Impairment because of one obvious area where my brain could not retain information, all other parts of test were fine. I’m at a loss because this Dr didn’t suggest any follow up instead I saw my PCP and the conversation wasn’t meaningful because the only thing I recall talking about is the high cost of long term care insurance, which I can’t afford.

Do you have any suggestions about the next concrete practical steps I should take? Maybe direct me to an organization if this isn’t the right place to ask. Thanks!

I got a new diagnosis (to go with my LS, perianal split, and telangiectasia) when I saw my Vulva Vaginal specialist last week. Anyone else have this Genitourinary condition? I guess it’s common in the elderly but did I really have to get one more thing? I’m frustrated and discouraged because it feels like everything between my legs is falling apart.

Now that the Dr said this, I’m just realizing I have all these other changes going on. My vulva skin has thinned out around urethra so architecture has changed. It’s really exposed and sensitive. When I urinate my bladder doesn’t fully empty unless I wait for second flow, my urine stream sometimes sprays up and hits the underside of the toilet seat and the skin under my urethra is white and thin (not from LS) but from low estrogen. I read the condition can go in the urethra and effect the bladder causing infections which can possibly move up to my kidneys. It also can effect vagina but I’m not having that yet. Treatment is estrogen to thicken skin.

Any advice or experience with this? How do you manage?

I got a new diagnosis (to go with my LS, perianal split, and telangiectasia) when I saw my Vulva Vaginal specialist last week. Anyone else have this Genitourinary condition? I guess it’s common in the elderly but did I really have to get one more condition? I’m frustrated and discouraged because it feels like everything between my legs is falling apart.

I’m 63f so maybe I’m older than most of you. Now that the Dr said this, I’m just realizing I have all these other changes going on. My vulva skin has thinned out around urethra so architecture has changed. It’s really exposed and sensitive. When I urinate my bladder doesn’t fully empty unless I wait for second flow, my urine stream sometimes sprays up and hits the underside of the toilet seat and the skin under my urethra is white and thin (not from LS) but from low estrogen. I read the condition can go in the urethra and effect the bladder causing infections which can possibly move up to my kidneys. It also can effect vagina but I’m not having that yet. Treatment is estrogen to thicken skin.

Any advice or experience with this? How do you manage?

I’m active in the sub divorced women and my comments have clocks with numbers that when i click on the clock I don’t understand the number because the ratio makes no sense to me. Thanks!

I wish I had found this support group before my divorce because I was too afraid to hire a lawyer.
I suffer from depression and PTSD, and the jobs I did have, I couldn’t manage, so the year I asked for a divorce, I also filed for and got social security disability. My ex was the breadwinner and managed the finances. I believed my ex when he said the lawyers would take all our money. Ex told me he’d also get half my disability and all the jewelry he gave me over the years. He even threatened he wouldn’t get a lawyer and would defend himself. That’s how sure he was I wouldn’t win anything more than 50/50. I knew he was intimidating me, and my own fear and lack of confidence kept me from standing up for myself.

At the time of our divorce, 6 years ago, I was 57. We met in college and even then, I recognized he didn’t know how to communicate issues and deal with conflict very well. He lacked emotional intelligence and I knew I didn’t love him as much as he loved me. I ignored the red flags and fell for the excessive flattery, gifts, trips and promise of a secure future. We were married for 32 years, have 2 grown children, and at the time of my divorce, the youngest was in college. Ex got angrier as the years passed by, we had always had different parenting styles, and we grew further apart. When couples counseling failed (he said enough after 6 visits), I told him I didn’t love him anymore and said I wanted a divorce. He didn’t act surprised; in fact, he said he needed a woman who wanted to have sex with him. (Lol!)

If I had to describe him, he was the dichotomy of Prince Charming and a snake. We lived pretty well, and he always remembered every holiday with expensive gifts, cards, flowers, and dinners, but he was a controlling, narcissistic child who didn’t want to be abandoned, so he kept me isolated through love-bombing and passive-aggressive-gaslighting-manipulation. In the end, I was lonely, and I’d lost my voice to fight back.

I live in a 50/50 state, so I agreed to mediation because I figured I’d at least get half of everything. My ex treated the divorce like a project to manage, and in mediation, he provided all the spreadsheets and asset allocations. I had access to his computer and the files, so nothing was new, but I felt overwhelmed because I don’t have a background in finance. I knew his password and logged onto his computer, looking for anything like other bank accounts but didn’t find anything. He could have very easily hidden files without me knowing how to find them. I tried to be as level-headed as him, and for the first few visits, we even drove together to mediation, but then I began to feel railroaded and resentful that he was running the show, so I drove alone, which he acted like he didn’t understand, but I had to do what little I could to take care of myself. During mediation, I consulted a lawyer who phoned into one of our mediation sessions, but it became a shouting match between her and my ex. I couldn’t take it because she was a bully just like him. I’m sure she would have helped me, but I don’t know how to handle loud, forceful people. That feels like a big mistake now. She was exactly who I needed on my side.

I don’t remember much about mediation except the mediator and I went along with my ex’s accounting. I had a brother on my side, and he helped me get a little more than the typical half of the ex’s social security when he begins to draw on it. Otherwise, it worked out that I got half of everything, including retirement accounts and the family home we sold. We both retired. I moved into an inexpensive condo in a less desirable city, and I live comfortably, but I worry about my financial future. He moved 1,000 miles away, and living the good life in a gated community with 2 golf courses. He called or texted often in the beginning, but over time, that stopped because I wasn’t returning the calls with the same amount of enthusiasm. I felt lost without him and didn’t know how I was going to handle everything independently. I managed to set up my condo and take care of expense accounts, although I don’t keep spreadsheets and copies of everything on the computer. The ex was obsessive like he was running a corporation, and I’ve learned to be more relaxed. I keep within a budget, stay on top of everything, and that’s enough for me.

It’ll be 6 years (in Aug), and I have a quiet life with my cat. I go on hikes and out to dinner with a best friend. One child is with his dad finishing school, and the other one I see about once a month. Amazingly, we’re all getting along well. Last Christmas, our two grown sons and I stayed with my ex and actually had a fun time together. He cooked all the meals and paid for pretty much everything. Last summer, I saw the ex at my niece and nephew’s weddings because my family invited him. So, I feel like mediation helped keep our lives civil, and that’s been good for everyone.

But I continue to have regrets. I often wonder if I sold my soul by not fighting him in court. Would I have gotten more money by hiring a lawyer? Did he have hidden accounts? He would never show me his PayPal, which was tied to an expensive eBay hobby. Would I have gotten half the worth of his hobby? Would a judge have awarded me alimony for pretty much staying home for 32 years? Should I have claimed I was an abused wife because he grabbed my arm once and left a bruise, which I had a picture of? He was definitely coercive and controlling, and I would have liked to screw him in the divorce. But I didn’t, and I’ll never know what could have happened.

The question for me came down to: which is more important, keeping my sanity or going after my ex to get as much money as possible? For the sake of my sanity, I chose the easier path. Working with a lawyer would have been excruciatingly stressful. My mental health would have made it hard. My ex wasn’t acting crazy during this time, but he had a controlling nature and a temper, which I chose not to go up against.

P.S. The irony is a year into the divorce, he got prostate cancer, so I don’t think he’s getting all that sex he wanted. LOL. And, fingers crossed, if I outlive him, I’ll get a nice SS check.

I have a portable Frigidaire a/c and it’s set on cool 60 degrees and the room is not cooling down. It’s only been used a few times and I’m not sure it ever worked! Tips? Tricks? The 800 number is closed on Sunday!