u/exclusive-Bomb-1343

I take melatonin at night but I can NOT stay asleep, like ever. I’m also a huge scaredy cat so when i wake up im anxious and have trouble going back to sleep.
It may be anxiety induced, but I want to improve my sleeping conditions. Now my family complains about this but I don’t think it has to do with it. My anxiety is so bad that I sleep with the overhead light on. When I don’t, i’m literally constantly looking around my bed to make sure nothing anywhere. I commonly sleep under a pillow aswell. The overhead light thing is only half the time, because I’m at my dad’s with LED lights on the other half.

it’s also worth mentioning i’m 14, kindof old to be all worried about “monsters” but you’d be surprised

sorry for the rant, what do u think?

This has happened quite a few times in the past like 2 weeks. At the end of my dream, I realize I am asleep. I try to wake myself up, but I’m just so tired I can’t move. It’s so weird and I’m nervous it’ll turn into something else.

My sister lost her baby last year who was 2 months old, and that is something I know I’ll never be able to understand the pain of. It happened the night of my birthday, so I woke up to the news. I remember the following month I (14F) tried to be there for my sister (21F) but i mean she’s always been kindof backwards so i didn’t want to overwhelm her with hugs and stuff. I didn’t wanna constantly ask if she’s okay because i didn’t want to remind her of what happened, so i’d do thinks with her and spend time playing basketball and stuff with her to keep her mind off of it.
One day she randomly called me and randomly started insulting me saying i’ve been weird lately. She said i have been showing up to church in baggy jeans and polos, and my hair has looked greasy. She said i was weird for starting taekwondo and have been hanging around with kids with EDs. Which i find insane because i asked her how i could help my friend with an ED. she then started calling me a liberal like it was an insult. my whole family is definitely NOT liberal and they’re very christian so i have to keep my beliefs VERY closeted or stuff like this would happen all the time. I remember telling her, you don’t know what my friend has been through. she’s been bullied into hating her weight. she then says, “i lost my baby!!!” bla bla bla and went on. I felt like she used it to downplay my friends problem with being bullied.
This wasn’t the only incident though. I went to the mental hospital in april. She called me during phone hours and called me selfish. She then said “i lost my baby i don’t need to lose my sister too.” and it really pissed me tf off bc i’m dealing with so much and that whole phone call felt so backhanded because she just casually called me selfish for getting help i needed.
When i got out of the hospital i remember my other oldest sister absolutely went off on me and said i had no real problems, and then again, my sisters baby was brought up. Again.
She also called me and said i never asked if she was ok when she lost her baby, which i then explained to her why i avoided that and she just dismissed it. i can NEVER be right to her. she also called my mom where i could hear and said she didn’t care about my feeling because she lost her baby and she doesn’t even know what im doing, like sorry the world doesn’t necessarily revolve around you.
I feel like it’s hung over my head. anytime i say something that’s bothering me to my parents they bring up her and her baby. i know she’s going through so much right now but i can’t even have my own problems. i have a lot of mental problems and this is all just making it worse. Am i being selfish like they’re saying i am???

edit: i forgot to mention but they both called me attention seeking a lot and made up lies to make it seem like i was. i was also forced to stay away from my friends because they have life problems too but apparently we were all talking about hurting ourselves together. which isn’t true at all. it’s a hectic story

another thing i forgot to mention: i got a bird a few months after leaving the hospital. she joked saying i only got it because i went to the mental hospital. i didnt find it quite funny considering i was gonna commit, but she’s allowed to make jokes like that. nobody else is tho

I am 14F and I have a hyperfixation on Chernobyl. Here’s an article i wrote!

The Chernobyl Disaster

What began as a normal nightshift on the night of April 26, 1986 at the Chernobyl Power Plant turned into one of the world’s most known disasters. In the small town of Pripyat sits Chernobyl. This is in present day Ukraine, but during 1986 the country was known as the Soviet Union.
Power plant operators who clocked in for night shift were continuing the preparation and operating a safety test on the nuclear reactors. Deputy Chief Engineer of reactor 4, Anatoly Dyatlov, was managing the operation when the disaster occurred. The safety test was taking place to determine whether the turbine could generate enough electricity during a blackout until the emergency diesel generators could take action, which takes about 70 seconds to kick on and reach full speed. This would occur so the reactor could be cooled during an incident of electricity loss. This gap of time allows for the overheating of the RBMK reactor, which can be disastrous. This could result in extremely fast power rise, increase of reactivity, and even possibly a meltdown. Unfortunately, that would be exactly what happened at 1:23:45 A.M..
What happened that night led to the contamination of a whole city and the uninhabitable environment of about 1,000 square miles. The timeline of the event happened as described in the following body of text.
The preparation of the test began at 1 A.M. on April 25th with the operators reducing the reactor’s power. They had disabled the emergency cooling system to avert interventions. Night shift then had clocked in to take over and further continue the operation. At 12:28 A.M., power decreased below safe levels. The operators removed the majority of the control rods in an attempt to regulate the power levels. What this had actually done was cause an increase in the reactivity. This means that the number of neutrons that were causing fission were actively rising faster than the amount being absorbed. The power then stabilized at a level that was too low. The operators ordered for the test to be continued with the emergency systems still off. At 1:23:04, the power surge occurred. At 1:23:40, an operator pressed the emergency shutdown button. Unfortunately, due to a design flaw, this had actually caused further damage. Pressing the button had resulted in the control rods jamming into the core. This resulted in a significant power spike of 165 times the initial amount of power. The power jumped from 200MW to 33GW in just 4 seconds. This resulted in the explosion of RBMK reactor 4’s core, which blew off the 1,000 ton reactor lid. An extreme amount of radiation was released into the atmosphere as a result.
The operators couldn’t comprehend what had happened. They believed that the core exploding was impossible. A man who had seen the explosion firsthand, Alexander Kudryavstev, told Anatoly what he had seen. Anatoly did not believe him, and had him removed from the room. He ordered for the operators to pump water to the core immediately. The rods had to be lowered manually. He sent two workers down to do so. Anatoly acted out of rage, yelling and shaming the junior staff. He refused to be wrong.
At 1:28 A.M. firefighters arrived to put out the raging fire. Oblivious to the lethal radiation they were being exposed to, they did not come properly equipped. They were touching the bricks and exposing themselves to deadly amounts of radiation by the minute. Many of them would die.
An important meeting was held inside the Power Plant at 2:15 A.M.. This was the first step of the emergency process. One major attendee of the meeting was Valery Legaslov, chief of reactor 4. He would later be known as the hero of the Chernobyl disaster. The meeting was closed and the officials decided to hide the truth from the public. In conclusion, they restricted transportation in and out of Pripyat.
It wasn’t until the morning of April 27th that evacuation began. Residents did not know they would never return home. They were evacuated 30Km away. The truth finally got out to the public on April 28th, when Sweden detected radiation that had originated from the Soviet. News stations spoke out on the matter, but still, nobody knew the extremity of the situation. The Soviet Union’s attempt to hide the situation had failed. The story doesn’t end here.
Now in the present day, the city of Pripyat is still uninhabitable. Tourists are allowed to visit, but only for a limited amount of time, and this still comes with risks. Tourists are urged to throw away the clothes they wore to visit and to be weary of touching any objects. One famous attribute is the elephant’s foot. Due to the extreme intoxication of this molten object, nobody can enter the room without taking in a lethal dose of radiation. A large dome was built over the power plant to keep in some radiation. This is known as the New Safe Confinement.
The Chernobyl accident is one that will never be forgotten in history. Many lives were affected in negative ways. One positive thing we got from this event was the knowledge that we can use to ensure nothing like this will ever happen again. After seeing many deaths and experiencing extreme trauma, there are still survivors of Chernobyl.

Lyudmilla Ignatenko’ Story

When the explosion happened, Lyadmilla’s husband, Vasily Ignatenko, was called in to assist in putting out the fire. Lyadmilla had flown to Moscow to visit her husband after being informed that he was hospitalized. She was 6 months pregnant while doing so. When she arrived, she almost wasn’t able to see her husband, but was finally allowed after convincing. She witnessed her husband’s body decaying in real time while he was still alive. His skin was cracking, falling away as he endured all the pain. Lyadmilla could only sit and watch. After the death of her husband, she gave birth 2 months later to Natashenka Ignatenko, a female. The baby died just 2 hours after birth from heart disease. The public shamed Lyadmilla, blaming the death from the intake of radiation, but this was not the cause. She lived until the age of 82, mourning her late husband and daughter.

I had their cages side by side, but i put a shelf between them to distance them. When i let him out to explore, he flies to their cage. I used to let them out at the same time, and he’d go sit by them. At first, they were nervous to let him, but eventually they became buddies. I’m wondering how to bond with him, but he won’t focus on me at all. He won’t even target train.