u/forththelamb

Don't get me wrong, there is definitely some nice places to hang out with people who think like you here. But it's mostly just a misogynist cesspool. I posted a picture of myself wearing pigtails and a white dress and people in the comments were calling me a chopped ageplayer because there were creeps in the comments saying nasty sh*t to me. And its my fault? You can't win. You get shamed for catering to men no matter what you wear on this app. Oh, and prepare to be called a foid if you so much as to complain about how unfair and sexist they are being to blame you and not the men for how they act. FML.

I will start off by making it clear that i am NOT diagnosed with any Neurodivergent disorders, or at least yet, but regardless of if i am Neurodivergent or not I find it so hard to talk to people my age (19F) or around it. It's like people's brains are so rotted by the badness of the world and porn that they can't have a normal conversation about sweet, small things and just enjoy the moment without talking about sex or criticising the way you look, or talking about marriage, relationships, politics, etc. I know I'm mentally a bit behind for my age, and I don't know if this seems pretentious to say but it feels like I don't fit in anywhere because I look so deeply into things where it's hard to find anyone else who cares so much about all the small details. And when I say something that I've spent a lot of time thinking about and trying to be empathetic and honest people flame me and gang up like hiveminds. I don't know, I don't know if this is a Neurodivergent mental illness thing or if I just don't know how to talk to people, but it feels like most humans are just bound to give in to the illness in the world and it's so hard to find someone who holds onto to their empathy and selflessness. The title says adults because the chats I've had with my siblings' and cousins babies are the sweetest, simplest, and least infuriating, while i always leave feeling like sh*t every time I've opened up to people since 8th grade or freshman year. I just want to understand why adults are so cruel and self centered? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who wants to stay authentic in a world of trends and performative kindness and social pressure to lose your innocence, even though I know that's not true. A true friend will be honest and authentic with you but it seems like most people want to lie and backstab eachother and constantly talk about the impurities of the world. As a mentally stunted Christian girl i am OVER it.

It's like its too much to ask to want somebody that will genuinely be my friend that I can trust and feel safe with, and who will understand my boundaries and insecurities and not expect me to speak up when I get shy, and not take my social anxiety personally to villainize me for it because they are only worried about themself. Its gotten to the point i can sniff out a faker empath from the way they talk and act around me. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

I've just barely turned 19, but I look a lot older. I will blame it on me not taking care of myself and depression, because most of my family looks young for their age, but I don't. I'm too scared to even get a boyfriend my age that isnt 20+ years older than me because people might think I'm a weirdo because I look so much older than I am. I do have youthful features facially, kind of, but combined with my body it means nothing. I am also fat, and my body looks all flabby and gross, but that's besides the point of this post and I'll work on that.

I really need help, i have BDD and facial dysmorphia so i don't know if im exaggerating but I just want to at least look my age and not like a middle aged woman. Even makeup makes me look older than I am and I don't know what I'm doing so wrong, its destroying me mentally. I hate my eye bags and my saggy face and my saggy body.

Please don't judge me or be mean to me for being cringe, or childish or whatever anyone else might call it. But I have an extremely parasocial relationship with fictional characters if I see them as my protector figures. I am obsessed with the Macmanus brothers from The Boondock Saints because as a Christian girl who would consider myself vulnerable and kind of street-stupid, they are my ideal protectors. Particularly as my big brothers because of their synchronization and familial ties I think they would be very protective of their little sister. I have even came up with these funny little quirks for this imaginary sibling relationship l have with them.

For further explanation, I grew up with and still have little to no paternal love. I want to feel protected, and pampered and cared for, but I never had anyone to do that. My parents have only ever screamed at me, hurt me, abandoned and ignored me, and made me feel ashamed to even breathe in one direction. I'm not sure why exactly Connor and Murphy, but it could be just because I admire them and their morals and think they are really cool.

I picture in my mind that they will hug or cuddle me, call me cute names, spoil me with presents, visiting me at school, pray with me before bed, help me get ready for church, just be super sweet, goofy big brothers, and etcetera. While it might sound kind of strange albeit mainly harmless, it makes me so depressed when I remember they are fictional characters and this will never happen. I remember that I will never feel this in real life, and it makes me not even want to leave my room. I don't even think I would want to live if they didn't exist. I could sit and think about it for hours.

I mostly just needed to get this off my chest. But if anyone has any creative ways I can incorporate this little world of mine that may lift some weight off my heart, please tell.

Also I would prefer nobody to tell me to seek professional help. This is something that helps me cope more than harms me, even though I made it sound the opposite, and I live in a awful, poor little town with nearly no mental health resources available.