u/gardenedcarcass

I'm going to college here, so I haven't been here very long. I've found the Nightmare Market, but that's about it.

I feel like the only other option is to go completely numb. I'm trying to make progress with my mental health. I'm trying to work through trauma in particular. I'm tired of just holding it in my mind and having to be okay with it. I'm starting to not be able to experience any emotions fully. What I really want is for someone to hold me and tell me I'm safe, but there's no one around me I can have that with. When college starts again I might be able to get that, but even then I'm so scared of being a burden or putting my trust in someone only for it to be broken.

I've been hurt too much. I don't know how to have close relationships. Closeness and vulnerability scare me. Safety can be taken away so easily.

I'm always angry because I can protect myself with this emotion, but I know underneath is deep sadness and need.

I want to learn both, but I'm wondering if I should learn one before the other.

There was a chick dying at the farm today. Amy gave it to the cats. I didn't see what happened to it. I hope it died before it was eaten. I should have killed it. That would have been awful, but I should have done it. Working on a farm can be disturbing sometimes. That has to be the case when living things are used commercially. It's an organic, grass fed farm, though. In most ways, these animals wouldn't fare any better if they were in the wild. I wish the calves could stay with their moms, though.

I went for a walk and listened to Puce Mary. She sent me into a state. I showed my parents. My dad said it reminded him of something he heard decades ago. He played me it. It was a looped recording of a homeless man singing "Jesus's blood never failed me yet." My dad said the man died soon after he was recorded.

I'm pretty sure my older brother (5 years older than me) was abusive. I remember a lot of arguments and screaming from him throughout my childhood. He broke a door once and punched a hole the wall, possibly more than once. When I was 9 he told me I should feel threatened by him for seemingly nothing at all. When I 11, we both wanted to use the computer at the same time, so to get his way he threw me onto a couch, kneeled on my back and head, and held my arms down. He would have been 16 at the time. That same year I remember him screaming at my mom that he wanted to kill her. When I was 14, he slammed my older sister on the floor. I don't remember much happening to me directly. I think I learned to keep quiet and hide to avoid altercations with him. I think my older sisters and my mom got the worst of it because they actually stood up to him. I just remember constantly feeling unsafe in my own home and worried for the safety of my family. I've had PTSD reactions around him 3 times. I guess I just feel like I'm sensitive and other people who've experienced abuse went through worse.

It's late at night, and I feel really lonely and lost. I wish I had a father who showed me he loved me. I want to experience being safe and secure with a father figure. When I was younger I wished my favorite teacher adopted me. I think about him for comfort. I haven't spoken to him for so long. I wish I could tell him about how I see him, but I have no idea how that would go.

I've often looked for attention from men on here, and it's so pathetic, but I know I'd probably do it again. I wish things were different.