u/herefortherubbish

TL;DR: Abusive husband destroyed me and I have nothing to give him but he wants me to stay.

I (44f) am in the process of leaving my abusive husband (45m). Together for 4 years, married for 1.5. The things he’s said and done are unreal and beyond the pale. Still, I tried everything: being super loving, being a good communicator, suggesting therapy (always timidly, and he always vetoed it), doing everything he wanted sexually and asking for nothing in return.

I’m very vulnerable because of a lifetime of abuse before I met him. It didn’t stop him from abusing me too, and the pain and frustration have gotten so bad I was starting to fear for my sanity before I finally decided I was done.

Now (shockingly) he wants to work it out. I told him no. He kept pushing. I told him no again. Then the tears. The promises. The begging. Rinse, repeat. Finally I had to tell him I’d think about it just to get some peace, but that I’m still moving out. I also said (on the advice of a divorce lawyer) that if he gives me a “parting gift” I won’t seek alimony, and he agreed.

What I don’t get is - why? I know abusers want to keep their victims around for their own selfish reasons, but what does he gain from this? I am so destroyed I can‘t cook or clean or work, and I haven’t had sex with him in over a month. He gave me the money, and it was a fair amount. Why doesn’t he cut his losses and find a new victim, one who can’t see through him like I can?

TL;DR: Abusive husband destroyed me and I have nothing to give him but he wants me to stay.

I (44f) am in the process of leaving my abusive husband (45m). Together for 4 years, married for 1.5. The things he’s said and done are unreal and beyond the pale. Still, I tried everything: being super loving, being a good communicator, suggesting therapy (always timidly, and he always vetoed it), doing everything he wanted sexually and asking for nothing in return.

I’m very vulnerable because of a lifetime of abuse before I met him. It didn’t stop him from abusing me too, and the pain and frustration have gotten so bad I was starting to fear for my sanity before I finally decided I was done.

Now (shockingly) he wants to work it out. I told him no. He kept pushing. I told him no again. Then the tears. The promises. The begging. Rinse, repeat. Finally I had to tell him I’d think about it just to get some peace, but that I’m still moving out. I also said (on the advice of a divorce lawyer) that if he gives me a “parting gift” I won’t seek alimony, and he agreed.

What I don’t get is - why? I know abusers want to keep their victims around for their own selfish reasons, but what does he gain from this? I am so destroyed I can‘t cook or clean or work, and I haven’t had sex with him in over a month. He gave me the money, and it was a fair amount. Why doesn’t he cut his losses and find a new victim, one who can’t see through him like I can?