u/itwasallascream23

I just came across this post from 9 years ago and holy hell it blew my mind!! I'm sure some of you have seen this before but thought I'd share it again for those like me who haven't . thanks so much breakfast potato!

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Genuinely interested in this. Attachment is neuroscience and so not subjective or about who's the goodie and who's the baddie. This is neurological. It's also intriguing as it's so different to how my anxious brain works and ao similar at the same time.

My avoidant ex broke up with me 8 months ago. We tried reconnecting in December and January but I got too scared and that overwhelmed her. She asked for more time and then I couldn't handle the ambiguity so I sent the "closing the door" message and I haven't heard from her since. I miss her

everyday and really love her and wish the door would reopen. I am doing my work and doing the best therapy of my life.

I found an emdr therapist who quickly figured out that I need to learn to rely on myself emotionally. I'm hoping this will mean my next relationship will be healthier. I'm hoping it's with my ex and think she may think the same. The no contact is helpful for me and I hope it's helping her as well.

I am posting this as I guess I am curious about what is going on with her. I guess part of me is posting this for a roasting to help me rely on myself!

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this group. As stated in the title, I have been invited to a three hour English test for a copy-editing role at the Council of Europe. Does anyone have any experience in this? Does anyone know what I can expect? Does anyone have any tips? Any help much appreciated. Cheers.

So I have an anxious attachment style, grown out of narcissitic parents and am battling an 8 month long heartbreak from my FA ex. I have been so confused by so much of what has happened and just don't understand her behaviours at all. I have so many questions:

When you look back at your relationships, how do you feel?

What has changed for you since the breakup?

What has this time apart helped you understand?

What still feels unresolved for you?

What have you found yourself thinking about most?

What parts of the relationship do you remember warmly?

What parts of the relationship still feel painful or difficult?

What helped you feel close?

What made you feel distant?

What helped you feel safe?

What helps you stay present when a conversation gets difficult?

What makes it harder for you to come back?

What do you still feel hurt by?

Would anyone be able to chat to me about this or answer these questions?

Does anyone else fluctuate between feeling good and feeling like things will be ok because growth is evident to absolute despair and hatred with life? I used to sit in despair most of the time and rise up to being OK every now and then but I just feel an oscillation now that feels profoundly more difficult. Is this part of the journey? I've started EMDR and this has been really helpful but it has left me feeling like I'm on a roller coaster of destruction and emotional chaos. Anyone else feel like this? Is this a normal part of EMDR and becoming earned secure? Is this going to create stability?

I know everyone thinks this about their screenplay!

I have written a screenplay about the Zambian football team (spanning 1988 to 2012 - something quite big happened historically!)

This is not about football. Or sports.

Someone has to make this movie. It is such an emotional story about grief, loss, survival, the underdog, and resilience.

I have been working on this for the last ten years and I am going to move onto my next idea (this time about revenge!).

I am not sure what to do with this screenplay. Anyone want to read it? Anyone want to produce it?

Anyone else battling debt, being made homeless, unemployment, family estrangement, heart break, and menopause all at the same time?

I'm trying so hard to be better but this just seems insurmountable. Climbing Mount Everest would be easier.

Ps. Anyone with a spare £2 million want to help me out?

I am trying to get more regular academic copyediting and struggling. Any other companies other than Cactus that have high volume work?

Does anyone else just feel like their life is empty?

Like no one calls. Or visits. There are no invites. No one making sure you're included.

How do people do this? Why is my life so empty? What do you all do about loneliness and emptiness?

My ex gf and I broke up in October. She initiated it. I was devastated. She didn’t do NC with her previous ex and this caused some of the problems we faced. I didn't want a repeat and so asked for NC on October and she agreed.

In November, it was her birthday and so I sent her some flowers. We had discussed this in October and I do think this might have crossed a line but I still wanted to do this. She then contacted me and asked to "talk".

In December, we met up and she asked if we could reconnect. I agreed and so we agreed to think about how things needed to be different and meet up again in January.

Then when we met up in January, she said she didn"t think we were ready and needed more time. I said no and said let's have NC for two months and go from there. We didn't manage the NC and even saw each other at mutual friend's social events. So, at the end of March, I was exhausted and sent an email to say I'm done and I can't do the on/off anymore.

She has not replied. At all. I think that this deserved a confirmation reply at least. Or am I asking too much? Should I be grateful that it's wrapped up and done? I am trying to learn to move on maturely but am stuck on this and could use some help.

This story is more complicated than this as the full story is just too much and doesn't ever need to be shared!

I am struggling so much with my latest break up and don't know what to do.

It was definitely an anxious-avoidant push-pull cycle. No prizes for guessing I was the anxious one. And it was also the biggest love of my life. And hers.

And then she got overwhelmed and left abruptly. We tried to reconnect but it didn't work out as we're both not ready.

I miss her so much. I am still in love with her.

She's having fun and has started sleeping around. I don't mind and just want her to be happy. And I want to reconnect with her if we can both grow and learn to be earned secure.

I think I need to let go and move on. And I can't. I'm not sure how to. Or if I need to. I know over time things will reduce.

My rejection sensitivity is going wild as well. How is it possible to navigate this?

How does everyone cope with the crushing loneliness?

I live alone and have few friends and am estranged from my family. I am also unemployed and spend all day trying to find a job.

I am so lonely. It stalls me so much throughout the day.
I go out as often as I can but struggle with other people. I feel like a failure. Like I don't belong. Like I just don't know how to do anything out there.

How does everyone cope with this? How do you have hope?

I am so addicted. Often it's the only thing I look forward to.

I'm single. Live alone. Got divorced two years ago. Broke up with gf seven months ago and still extremely heart broken. Likely ADHD. Menopausal. Narcissist father. Mum with Alzheimer's. Very small social circle. Loads of mental health problems. Unemployed. Broke. In debt. May be homeless in two months. And the only relief i have is a hot bath. The other day it was sunny and 21 degrees and I goy so excited when I started running the bath. It must be oxytocin or dopamine or something. My heating and water bills are not too bad though somehow. And I'm not judging myself. I'm just curious.

This is a cheeky post i know. But I'm desperate. I have two months left of savings before I run out and am likely made homeless. I spend all day everyday applying for jobs. I've applied for everything, even cafes and bars. I have zero experience in hospitality so am getting nowhere. My friend suggested care homes and i will focus on this next week as week as well as getting a TEFL qualification. In the mean time I've started EMDR therapy and it costs £60 a week. I have committed to this but it will be a stretch. I put this cost before food as it is so vital for my mental health.

Can anyone help with covering this for me for two months? I wouldn't ask if I wasnt desperate.

I have had the worst two years of my life. Divorce. Multiple break ups. Lost two jobs. Broke. Unemployed. Lost friendships. Alone. Suicide ideation. Anxiety. Depression. You all know what this feels like.

I have never been in such a dark valley.

I have tried so hard to stay afloat. I go to the gym twice a week. Swimming twice a week. Joined a choir (then had to leave as my ex kept it and then joined another one). Applied to over 200 jobs. Tried to extend savings. Try to socialise.

And I just keep coming back to this dark valley.

What can I do to change this?

This s a reframe of a question on Ask Reddit.

I have lived in 14 countries and can talk to anyone. But I struggle with friendships. I think this is primarily because I make friends quickly because I'm lonely when I arrive in a new place and I don't set boundaries and accept unhealthy behaviour. This usually ends up in me cutting off friends and this has happened a lot in my life.

As an example, I moved back to my home town two years ago. Though a hobby I made a friendship group. When I split with my ex, I left the group (one of us had to). After not hearing from someone in the group fot a month, they contacted me and asked to meet up. I asked them if they needed something from me as they hadnt been in contact for such a long time. They had not asked me how I was doing and know nothing about my life. I was confused why they wanted to meet up.

They got angry at this and sent some angry voice notes. Ironically they said that they cared about me. I found this strange as they know nothing about what is going on in my life and hadnt invited me to any of the events they hosted.

I am going through a really tough time at the moment so have been insular and self centred. And at the same time, I feel like this person doesn't share the same values as me.

How can I move forward? Should I cut them off? I think this will happen naturally but should I have done this sooner?