I make guys play dispatch before I date them.

I have a weird question I ask guys before I date them, and I’ve realized it tells me way more about their personality than you’d think.

For example before I start this is another question I ask, because for me I have a theory that it tells a lot about a person:

The first question is whether they like cats or dogs more.
To me, people who prefer dogs usually value warmth that’s immediate and easy. Dogs love everyone. They’ll happily run up to strangers, they’re affectionate by default, and they don’t ask much from you emotionally before giving you everything.
Cats are different. You have to earn their trust. They’re selective. They’re not cold forever, but when a cat chooses you, it actually means something. The relationship develops over time instead of being handed to you immediately.
Obviously this isn’t a scientific personality test, but I’ve noticed it lines up surprisingly often.

The second question is the one that actually matters to me:
Who do you like more from Dispatch? Blonde Blazer or Invisigal?
(I would like to preface I do NOT dislike either character, but for my personality this matters)
This one genuinely changes how I see someone.
If someone says Blonde Blazer, it’s not an automatic dealbreaker. But it definitely makes me pause.
To me, Blonde Blazer is the obvious choice. She’s pretty, kind, put together, emotionally stable, and immediately likable. Most people would naturally choose her.
But I’ve always connected with Invisigal.
She’s impulsive. She screws up. She lies. She pushes people away. She can be rude before she lets people in. She has a messy past and a lot of baggage. She’s incredibly flawed.
But that’s exactly why I think she’s the more interesting character.
She actually has somewhere to grow.
Her relationship isn’t compelling because she’s already perfect. It’s compelling because someone has the patience to see past all the defenses and mistakes, and the two of them grow together. Watching someone become a better person because they’re finally loved in a healthy way is infinitely more meaningful to me than watching someone who’s already “perfect” stay perfect.
Maybe this is personal because, honestly, I relate to Invisigal a lot.
I’ve made a ridiculous amount of mistakes in my life. I’ve been impulsive, self-destructive, and difficult. I grew up in a bad environment and I’ll be honest I was lowk a criminal for a lot of my early/teen years. I’m not the kind of person who’s effortlessly easy to love. I’m also pretty guarded when I first meet people, especially men. A lot of people think I’m rude at first, but once I actually trust someone, I’m completely different.
So when someone says they can’t stand Invisigal because she’s “just a liar,” “too much drama,” or “a bitch,” I can’t help but wonder if they’d see me the same way.
Would they write someone off because they’re messy?
Or would they recognize that people can have awful coping mechanisms, terrible backgrounds, and still become genuinely good people?
That’s what I’m actually trying to figure out.
I don’t need someone who’s looking for perfection. I want someone who’s capable of seeing value in imperfect people.
I know some people are going to think I’m reading way too much into a fictional character preference, and honestly… maybe I am.
But I’ve found that the characters people empathize with often reveal what kinds of people they have patience for in real life.
If your favorite character is the one who’s already polished, that’s fine.
I just think I’d probably connect better with the person who looked at the absolute trainwreck and thought, “Yeah, I still see something worth loving.”
That’s the kind of person I want.

By the way I do have to say so far this method has worked 2/2 times. Just sayinnnn

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 5 days ago

Long rant plz anything will help plz read like im going fucking crazy rn

TW SUBSTANCES AND SA

I don’t even know where to start. I have no one to talk to about this. just listening would help a lot. I’m sorry this might be long I’m kind of still high on molly rn.

So I’m 18. Since I was 12-13 I was doing a lot of coke/molly/heroin/lsd/rcs/literally everything. Like genuinely I’ve done pretty much everything you can possibly get in nyc. I’ve been homeless and was groomed by an older man since around that age too. Right after he died (17) I was arrested because we were selling hard drugs on a pretty large scale, drop shipping and such. I got a great lawyer because at that point I had quite a bit of money and he went from like minimum 40 years or something to 3 years probation. I was arrested right when I turned 17. So it’s been almost a year and a half ish and my probation still hasn’t started because of court stuff and pushing things back and such.

I’ve also been sober for over a year as well, the same night the man died. Anyway, after I was arrested, I got my life back on track. Although my attendance was horrid I graduated high school with honors and a 4.2 gpa. (Which is literally insane as I was shooting up and snorting lines in the bathroom and even the back of the classroom lol) I got into a great school in Chicago, full ride, I decided I was going to major in neuroscience and psychology on a pre med/psychiatry track. Both of my parents and their parents have a long history of mood and personality disorders (I have been diagnosed with cptsd, bipolar 1, and BPD but I’m not totally convinced) and my parents were bipolar and schizophrenic and BPD. Kinda relevant for some of this my dad was sexually abusive for a lot of my childhood and it kinda became consensual at some point because I just didn’t know I was so so young but he ended up going insane and I haven’t seen him in a while. I aunt called me and said he died a week or two ago but I genuinely don’t care.

Anyway idk if anything I’ve said is relevant i just wanted to give some background. I’ve been in a good place. I stopped taking my bipolar meds (mood stabilizers and anti psychotics) a few months ago. I feel good. I was maybe manic for a couple months but idk I think I’m just impulsive. After that man died I just started sleeping with a lot of older men to feel something. Putting myself in dangerous situations, drinking a lot (oh ya by sober I mean I still drink) etc. I did some lsd kinda a lot but I don’t think that really counted as breaking my sobriety because my DOC was fentanyl/heroin etc and I don’t think it’s too bad.

Anyway I went on a trip to Chicago to visit before moving. I was pretty tame at that time, but for some reason when I got back home I just felt overwhelmingly “up”. To the point I’m pacing around my room and can’t keep still. Not a fun “up” an uncomfortable amount of “up”. Again I don’t want to say it’s mania because I feel like my impulsivity and mood swings can seem like mania when it’s not but anyway.

I called up my old plug 3-7 days ago. Idk. Time hasn’t felt real in a really long time. But I got some ecstasy. I knew it was pure mdma because he uses this guy I used to work with when I was selling straight from the Netherlands. Ok I’m sorry I am getting so distracted omg focus. Focus. Okay.

So I get the Molly, I do a gram (rock/crystal form) and was so insanely tweaked. I hadn’t been so high in forever. I missed it immediately. I ended up talking to this older guy I had been talking with from Tinder for a while. He invited me to go to this party. I drank a decent amount but not too much and had a really fun time honestly. It was full of hookers and homeless people and thugs/gang affiliated people but I’ve kinda been like that at some point so I didn’t judge at all. It was like an apartment but kinda a trap house. Anyway I had this underlying feeling I shouldn’t be there. I recognized some people I used to hang out with when I was at my lowest and I knew it wasn’t me. Also the older guy I met with was very handsy and made me really uncomfortable. He tried to finger me on the couch and standing up and pretty much everywhere multiple times when I kept telling him I don’t like to do that stuff in front of all these people. I mean they were degenerates so they wouldn’t have cared if he had sex with me in front of all of them but it was a bit too much for me. We made out a lot but I honestly wasn’t super attracted to him. He groped me throughout the night (boobs/butt) really hard constantly, especially if I was talking to literally anybody else. It made me feel like a dirty whore. Like he just brought me there as a slut to grope the whole night. It was degrading.

Anyway when I got back home at 3 I decided to meet up with this guy (younger actually, like 23-25 I think) and his friend I met on tinder. They were visiting nyc and just wanted fun. So we hung out and did more Molly (I took about 1.5-1.7 g this time) and again was super tweaked. Nothing happened sexually but I am supposed to meet with them again in a few days but I won’t because I’m now disfigured (I’ll explain later)

So I got back at my apartment around 9am. Still tweaked the rest of the day. I threw up a couple times (both times) because I just took wayyyy too much. So that same guy from before at that party invited me to the club, with him and some of the other people from the house party before. I looked super cute. I hadn’t eaten in probably 4 days so body looked rlly good imo and I hadn’t eaten in a cute black short laced up dress with a black cross necklace and ugh so cute. I was dancing my ASS off at that club. Since I had been sober I think I only went to the club 1-2 times but I was having so much fun. I took 2 grams of ecstasy and had like 3-4 drinks I think. The man that invited me wasn’t having fun and I think was annoyed at me maybe so I said I’m gonna do my own thing. My old coworker (I quit my job and made a scene and left in the middle of my shift about a month ago maybe 2 idek) was there and we were having SOOO much fun omg. My bangs were literally wet with how much we were dancing I kinda looked really bad atp cuz my hair got curly and frizzy but wtv idc. The man calls me and tells me we have to leave. I said I was having fun but he was my ride so I waid okay meet me in the smoke room. Ofc as soon as he comes my friend went to get a drink and this guy started sitting beside me and flirted with me. The man I was with got really bad and dragged me out.

He was making me kind of scared at this point but I was so tweaked out I just got in the car with him. We go to the same apartment as the night before. On the car drive he was telling me how he had sex with this girl after I left. I felt weird that he told me that. It made me feel bad. Then all his friends were talking about how he is so good with getting young girls and basically he’s a whore. Then I felt like a whore. He made out this girl (I think she is a hooker tbh but not to slut shame but Jesus Christ.. like this girl was so trashy and played spin the bottle with a circle of 10 guys and just went around kissing all of them passed around like a joint. Grown btw like probably 20-24) so anyway right after he was done heavy making out with her he immediately tried to finger me and make out with me right after!!! I was so pissed and kinda just in shock I just froze and stared at the wall for a long time.

This guy, super sweet, was the only kind person there. Actually I met him at the club, he was spouting at me about how Jesus still loves me and things when I didn’t ask. So I thought he was a bit annoying. But at the party he took really good care of me, kept asking if I was okay and needed water and stuff. Just really great. So the man I came with was now fucking that girl on the balcony. I tried to go out to smoke but she was sucking his dick and he closed the door in my face. I was just so overwhelmed in that moment. I felt so stupid. I broke my sobriety of over a year and I’m back to rock bottom. With people who don’t care about me at all. That wanna use me for my body or drugs, that’s it. I started to get really overwhelmed and the Christian guy could tell. I kind of started yapping about how that man made me feel and he agreed it was wrong of him. At this point I had taken like 6 shots (I’m a lightweight) so I was so fucked.

Someone that man got back from the balcony and wanted me to get Coke. They wanted me to buy it. I said okay. I had $200 to my name and I spent $100 for both of us and got a gram for me. I did two really fat lines and immediately regretted it. I just wanted to cry. I hate that I was doing it. I hated I was back to being this stupid poor whore girl doing lines in the corner. I felt so overwhelmed. The coke wasn’t helping. I was dancing around to no music looking insane. Half the people were passed out on downers and the other half were fucking. I was just dancing in the living room to the music in my head. I gave the rest of the bag to the Christian guy because he was nice and I didn’t want to finish the bag.

Then of course I got really fucking sad and has some kind of crisis. I just hated the fact I was there but no one would take me home and I was too paranoid to walk back/take train back home. The man said we swould spend the night there.

Turns out the Christian guy told everyone what I said. He assured me they wouldn’t say anything but that man was their good friends and I knew they were gonna tell him I was “talking shit” about him and he’d get really angry.

I ended up shooting up some heroin. About a gram, my last $100. No tolerance, I honestly was hoping to just die. I passed out on the couch for I have no idea/ at least 4 hours. I’m still not sure if someone laced a drink I was given because I was KNOCKED out. I had never been like that to this extent with just heroin. Anyway when I woke up I boobs hurt really bad. I looked and they are both completely covered with horrible splotches and bruises. It’s horrible. Completely covered in bright red and purple. I took some pictures but it’s probably too graphic to show but ya. It felt like my clothes had been taken off and lazily put back on. My straps were hanging down and my panties were practically to my knees. My ass hurt really bad. I am sitting on frozen peas right now. I think I was probably raped most likely.

Last thing I remember is the Christian guy laying behind me on the couch and touching me and asking if the guy I came with would care we were sleeping next to each other but I was just nodding out super b. I don’t remember if he ended up doing anything more than grabbing my butt and boobs but whatever he was nice and I was passed out so whatever I guess. When I woke up the Christian guy was gone. Everyone was annoyed at him because he wanted them to kick the man I came with out (which felt a bit dramatic) I was kinda annoyed because he was causing so much bigger problems for me and starting drama and now I look crazy. But it was still sweet. Anyway the man was still there but passed out. Only one person was awake (apt owner) and I think he was annoyed with me for accidentally causing drama and wanted me out. I got home at maybe 10-11 am. He got me an uber. I immediately blocked the man I came with and I hope I don’t see him again because I have a good feeling he has anger issues and found out I told the Christian guy I made him uncomfortable and raped me. Maybe multiple people did. I don’t want to think about that fuck.

Also I didn’t mention this but the worst part; my face looks horribly disfigured. I tried sending a pic to my friend but I seriously can’t I’m just so ashamed. My face is genuinely 10x bigger. It’s so swollen. I don’t know what they did but I look so horrible. My lips and mouth and bleeding. It’s possible I just was biting on the inside of my mouth when I was tweaked out and didn’t know. But please trust me when I say I look disgusting. It’s like I have two baseballs in each cheek. Seriously. Not being dramatic in the slightest. It kinda feels like I had been punched/slapped a lot but idrk. I can’t go outside anymore that’s for sure.

It’s what I deserve obviously. I think he decided to go back on my meds. I really don’t know why I stopped taking them, I didn’t have too bad side effects, I felt like a normal person for once. I just kinda lost my spark I guess. But god. I just hate myself so bad. I can’t believe I through my entire sobriety down the drain. It’s just really fucking tragic. I thought things were getting better for me, and they were, but I just have to self sabotage everything. I fuck literally everything up around me. I’m just so fucking ashamed of everything. I know it’s 100% my fault because I literally begged to be put in a dangerous situation like that I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me I’m so fucked in the head it’s fucking scary idk what’s wrong with me

I’ve never had a come down so bad in my life. But then again it’s been 3-5-7 ??) days of non stop mdma use so ya my serotonin is seriously so so so fucked. I haven’t been this suicidal in years and years. It’s all I’m thinking about rn. I’m not going to do it I don’t need comments convincing me not to because I won’t. I always ruin everything good every single time my entire life, why does it matter. I probably won’t do it. I can’t go back to the ward, especially that I’m an adult. If people found out I was using again, they would be so disappointed and felt betrayed. I’m a liar and a dirty gross whore junkie with no future. I hate myself so much. I put myself into this position. I fucked up so bad. I feel so violated and sick to my stomach. I don’t know what to do right now. I have no one. I embarrassed myself with the degenerates by being dramatic and way too tweaked out and annoying and I definitely embarrassed me and the good influences I have in my life now. I just don’t know how to get back on track.

I told my cousin a bit of this story but left out a lot of things, he said he couldn’t talk and hung up. But he did say I should go to rehab. I said I don’t need to go because the thought of doing another drug ever again makes me sick to my stomach. And that’s true. But also deep down I know myself and I know I’ll probably be high on something again soon. I hate to say that but it’s probably true. For now tho I’m just sobbing and trying to go to sleep but I can’t. I hate that I did this to myself. But also this is the most fun I’ve had in years besides last night specifically. I just crave the life so bad. What the fuck was I thinking becoming a psychiatrist? I’m literally so fucked in the head. I’m fucking insane. And pathetic. I’ll always be a poor junkie whore. Everything is just hopeless. Idk what else to say.

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 8 days ago

Rant support needed idk what to do

TW SUBSTANCES AND SA

I don’t even know where to start. I have no one to talk to about this. just listening would help a lot. I’m sorry this might be long I’m kind of still high on molly rn.

So I’m 18. Since I was 12-13 I was doing a lot of coke/molly/heroin/lsd/rcs/literally everything. Like genuinely I’ve done pretty much everything you can possibly get in nyc. I’ve been homeless and was groomed by an older man since around that age too. Right after he died (17) I was arrested because we were selling hard drugs on a pretty large scale, drop shipping and such. I got a great lawyer because at that point I had quite a bit of money and he went from like minimum 40 years or something to 3 years probation. I was arrested right when I turned 17. So it’s been almost a year and a half ish and my probation still hasn’t started because of court stuff and pushing things back and such.

I’ve also been sober for over a year as well, the same night the man died. Anyway, after I was arrested, I got my life back on track. Although my attendance was horrid I graduated high school with honors and a 4.2 gpa. (Which is literally insane as I was shooting up and snorting lines in the bathroom and even the back of the classroom lol) I got into a great school in Chicago, full ride, I decided I was going to major in neuroscience and psychology on a pre med/psychiatry track. Both of my parents and their parents have a long history of mood and personality disorders (I have been diagnosed with cptsd, bipolar 1, and BPD but I’m not totally convinced) and my parents were bipolar and schizophrenic and BPD. Kinda relevant for some of this my dad was sexually abusive for a lot of my childhood and it kinda became consensual at some point because I just didn’t know I was so so young but he ended up going insane and I haven’t seen him in a while. I aunt called me and said he died a week or two ago but I genuinely don’t care.

Anyway idk if anything I’ve said is relevant i just wanted to give some background. I’ve been in a good place. I stopped taking my bipolar meds (mood stabilizers and anti psychotics) a few months ago. I feel good. I was maybe manic for a couple months but idk I think I’m just impulsive. After that man died I just started sleeping with a lot of older men to feel something. Putting myself in dangerous situations, drinking a lot (oh ya by sober I mean I still drink) etc. I did some lsd kinda a lot but I don’t think that really counted as breaking my sobriety because my DOC was fentanyl/heroin etc and I don’t think it’s too bad.

Anyway I went on a trip to Chicago to visit before moving. I was pretty tame at that time, but for some reason when I got back home I just felt overwhelmingly “up”. To the point I’m pacing around my room and can’t keep still. Not a fun “up” an uncomfortable amount of “up”. Again I don’t want to say it’s mania because I feel like my impulsivity and mood swings can seem like mania when it’s not but anyway.

I called up my old plug 3-7 days ago. Idk. Time hasn’t felt real in a really long time. But I got some ecstasy. I knew it was pure mdma because he uses this guy I used to work with when I was selling straight from the Netherlands. Ok I’m sorry I am getting so distracted omg focus. Focus. Okay.

So I get the Molly, I do a gram (rock/crystal form) and was so insanely tweaked. I hadn’t been so high in forever. I missed it immediately. I ended up talking to this older guy I had been talking with from Tinder for a while. He invited me to go to this party. I drank a decent amount but not too much and had a really fun time honestly. It was full of hookers and homeless people and thugs/gang affiliated people but I’ve kinda been like that at some point so I didn’t judge at all. It was like an apartment but kinda a trap house. Anyway I had this underlying feeling I shouldn’t be there. I recognized some people I used to hang out with when I was at my lowest and I knew it wasn’t me. Also the older guy I met with was very handsy and made me really uncomfortable. He tried to finger me on the couch and standing up and pretty much everywhere multiple times when I kept telling him I don’t like to do that stuff in front of all these people. I mean they were degenerates so they wouldn’t have cared if he had sex with me in front of all of them but it was a bit too much for me. We made out a lot but I honestly wasn’t super attracted to him. He groped me throughout the night (boobs/butt) really hard constantly, especially if I was talking to literally anybody else. It made me feel like a dirty whore. Like he just brought me there as a slut to grope the whole night. It was degrading.

Anyway when I got back home at 3 I decided to meet up with this guy (younger actually, like 23-25 I think) and his friend I met on tinder. They were visiting nyc and just wanted fun. So we hung out and did more Molly (I took about 1.5-1.7 g this time) and again was super tweaked. Nothing happened sexually but I am supposed to meet with them again in a few days but I won’t because I’m now disfigured (I’ll explain later)

So I got back at my apartment around 9am. Still tweaked the rest of the day. I threw up a couple times (both times) because I just took wayyyy too much. So that same guy from before at that party invited me to the club, with him and some of the other people from the house party before. I looked super cute. I hadn’t eaten in probably 4 days so body looked rlly good imo and I hadn’t eaten in a cute black short laced up dress with a black cross necklace and ugh so cute. I was dancing my ASS off at that club. Since I had been sober I think I only went to the club 1-2 times but I was having so much fun. I took 2 grams of ecstasy and had like 3-4 drinks I think. The man that invited me wasn’t having fun and I think was annoyed at me maybe so I said I’m gonna do my own thing. My old coworker (I quit my job and made a scene and left in the middle of my shift about a month ago maybe 2 idek) was there and we were having SOOO much fun omg. My bangs were literally wet with how much we were dancing I kinda looked really bad atp cuz my hair got curly and frizzy but wtv idc. The man calls me and tells me we have to leave. I said I was having fun but he was my ride so I waid okay meet me in the smoke room. Ofc as soon as he comes my friend went to get a drink and this guy started sitting beside me and flirted with me. The man I was with got really bad and dragged me out.

He was making me kind of scared at this point but I was so tweaked out I just got in the car with him. We go to the same apartment as the night before. On the car drive he was telling me how he had sex with this girl after I left. I felt weird that he told me that. It made me feel bad. Then all his friends were talking about how he is so good with getting young girls and basically he’s a whore. Then I felt like a whore. He made out this girl (I think she is a hooker tbh but not to slut shame but Jesus Christ.. like this girl was so trashy and played spin the bottle with a circle of 10 guys and just went around kissing all of them passed around like a joint. Grown btw like probably 20-24) so anyway right after he was done heavy making out with her he immediately tried to finger me and make out with me right after!!! I was so pissed and kinda just in shock I just froze and stared at the wall for a long time.

This guy, super sweet, was the only kind person there. Actually I met him at the club, he was spouting at me about how Jesus still loves me and things when I didn’t ask. So I thought he was a bit annoying. But at the party he took really good care of me, kept asking if I was okay and needed water and stuff. Just really great. So the man I came with was now fucking that girl on the balcony. I tried to go out to smoke but she was sucking his dick and he closed the door in my face. I was just so overwhelmed in that moment. I felt so stupid. I broke my sobriety of over a year and I’m back to rock bottom. With people who don’t care about me at all. That wanna use me for my body or drugs, that’s it. I started to get really overwhelmed and the Christian guy could tell. I kind of started yapping about how that man made me feel and he agreed it was wrong of him. At this point I had taken like 6 shots (I’m a lightweight) so I was so fucked.

Someone that man got back from the balcony and wanted me to get Coke. They wanted me to buy it. I said okay. I had $200 to my name and I spent $100 for both of us and got a gram for me. I did two really fat lines and immediately regretted it. I just wanted to cry. I hate that I was doing it. I hated I was back to being this stupid poor whore girl doing lines in the corner. I felt so overwhelmed. The coke wasn’t helping. I was dancing around to no music looking insane. Half the people were passed out on downers and the other half were fucking. I was just dancing in the living room to the music in my head. I gave the rest of the bag to the Christian guy because he was nice and I didn’t want to finish the bag.

Then of course I got really fucking sad and has some kind of crisis. I just hated the fact I was there but no one would take me home and I was too paranoid to walk back/take train back home. The man said we swould spend the night there.

Turns out the Christian guy told everyone what I said. He assured me they wouldn’t say anything but that man was their good friends and I knew they were gonna tell him I was “talking shit” about him and he’d get really angry.

I ended up shooting up some heroin. About a gram, my last $100. No tolerance, I honestly was hoping to just die. I passed out on the couch for I have no idea/ at least 4 hours. I’m still not sure if someone laced a drink I was given because I was KNOCKED out. I had never been like that to this extent with just heroin. Anyway when I woke up I boobs hurt really bad. I looked and they are both completely covered with horrible splotches and bruises. It’s horrible. Completely covered in bright red and purple. I took some pictures but it’s probably too graphic to show but ya. It felt like my clothes had been taken off and lazily put back on. My straps were hanging down and my panties were practically to my knees. My ass hurt really bad. I am sitting on frozen peas right now. I think I was probably raped most likely.

Last thing I remember is the Christian guy laying behind me on the couch and touching me and asking if the guy I came with would care we were sleeping next to each other but I was just nodding out super b. I don’t remember if he ended up doing anything more than grabbing my butt and boobs but whatever he was nice and I was passed out so whatever I guess. When I woke up the Christian guy was gone. Everyone was annoyed at him because he wanted them to kick the man I came with out (which felt a bit dramatic) I was kinda annoyed because he was causing so much bigger problems for me and starting drama and now I look crazy. But it was still sweet. Anyway the man was still there but passed out. Only one person was awake (apt owner) and I think he was annoyed with me for accidentally causing drama and wanted me out. I got home at maybe 10-11 am. He got me an uber. I immediately blocked the man I came with and I hope I don’t see him again because I have a good feeling he has anger issues and found out I told the Christian guy I made him uncomfortable and raped me. Maybe multiple people did. I don’t want to think about that fuck.

Also I didn’t mention this but the worst part; my face looks horribly disfigured. I tried sending a pic to my friend but I seriously can’t I’m just so ashamed. My face is genuinely 10x bigger. It’s so swollen. I don’t know what they did but I look so horrible. My lips and mouth and bleeding. It’s possible I just was biting on the inside of my mouth when I was tweaked out and didn’t know. But please trust me when I say I look disgusting. It’s like I have two baseballs in each cheek. Seriously. Not being dramatic in the slightest. It kinda feels like I had been punched/slapped a lot but idrk. I can’t go outside anymore that’s for sure.

It’s what I deserve obviously. I think he decided to go back on my meds. I really don’t know why I stopped taking them, I didn’t have too bad side effects, I felt like a normal person for once. I just kinda lost my spark I guess. But god. I just hate myself so bad. I can’t believe I through my entire sobriety down the drain. It’s just really fucking tragic. I thought things were getting better for me, and they were, but I just have to self sabotage everything. I fuck literally everything up around me. I’m just so fucking ashamed of everything. I know it’s 100% my fault because I literally begged to be put in a dangerous situation like that I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me I’m so fucked in the head it’s fucking scary idk what’s wrong with me

I’ve never had a come down so bad in my life. But then again it’s been 3-5-7 ??) days of non stop mdma use so ya my serotonin is seriously so so so fucked. I haven’t been this suicidal in years and years. It’s all I’m thinking about rn. I’m not going to do it I don’t need comments convincing me not to because I won’t. I always ruin everything good every single time my entire life, why does it matter. I probably won’t do it. I can’t go back to the ward, especially that I’m an adult. If people found out I was using again, they would be so disappointed and felt betrayed. I’m a liar and a dirty gross whore junkie with no future. I hate myself so much. I put myself into this position. I fucked up so bad. I feel so violated and sick to my stomach. I don’t know what to do right now. I have no one. I embarrassed myself with the degenerates by being dramatic and way too tweaked out and annoying and I definitely embarrassed me and the good influences I have in my life now. I just don’t know how to get back on track.

I told my cousin a bit of this story but left out a lot of things, he said he couldn’t talk and hung up. But he did say I should go to rehab. I said I don’t need to go because the thought of doing another drug ever again makes me sick to my stomach. And that’s true. But also deep down I know myself and I know I’ll probably be high on something again soon. I hate to say that but it’s probably true. For now tho I’m just sobbing and trying to go to sleep but I can’t. I hate that I did this to myself. But also this is the most fun I’ve had in years besides last night specifically. I just crave the life so bad. What the fuck was I thinking becoming a psychiatrist? I’m literally so fucked in the head. I’m fucking insane. And pathetic. I’ll always be a poor junkie whore. Everything is just hopeless. Idk what else to say.

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 8 days ago

Long rant. I don’t know what to do plz help. TW SA and drug use

I don’t even know where to start. I have no one to talk to about this. just listening would help a lot. I’m sorry this might be long I’m kind of still high on molly rn.

So I’m 18. Since I was 12-13 I was doing a lot of coke/molly/heroin/lsd/rcs/literally everything. Like genuinely I’ve done pretty much everything you can possibly get in nyc. I’ve been homeless and was groomed by an older man since around that age too. Right after he died (17) I was arrested because we were selling hard drugs on a pretty large scale, drop shipping and such. I got a great lawyer because at that point I had quite a bit of money and he went from like minimum 40 years or something to 3 years probation. I was arrested right when I turned 17. So it’s been almost a year and a half ish and my probation still hasn’t started because of court stuff and pushing things back and such.

I’ve also been sober for over a year as well, the same night the man died. Anyway, after I was arrested, I got my life back on track. Although my attendance was horrid I graduated high school with honors and a 4.2 gpa. (Which is literally insane as I was shooting up and snorting lines in the bathroom and even the back of the classroom lol) I got into a great school in Chicago, full ride, I decided I was going to major in neuroscience and psychology on a pre med/psychiatry track. Both of my parents and their parents have a long history of mood and personality disorders (I have been diagnosed with cptsd, bipolar 1, and BPD but I’m not totally convinced) and my parents were bipolar and schizophrenic and BPD. Kinda relevant for some of this my dad was sexually abusive for a lot of my childhood and it kinda became consensual at some point because I just didn’t know I was so so young but he ended up going insane and I haven’t seen him in a while. I aunt called me and said he died a week or two ago but I genuinely don’t care.

Anyway idk if anything I’ve said is relevant i just wanted to give some background. I’ve been in a good place. I stopped taking my bipolar meds (mood stabilizers and anti psychotics) a few months ago. I feel good. I was maybe manic for a couple months but idk I think I’m just impulsive. After that man died I just started sleeping with a lot of older men to feel something. Putting myself in dangerous situations, drinking a lot (oh ya by sober I mean I still drink) etc. I did some lsd kinda a lot but I don’t think that really counted as breaking my sobriety because my DOC was fentanyl/heroin etc and I don’t think it’s too bad.

Anyway I went on a trip to Chicago to visit before moving. I was pretty tame at that time, but for some reason when I got back home I just felt overwhelmingly “up”. To the point I’m pacing around my room and can’t keep still. Not a fun “up” an uncomfortable amount of “up”. Again I don’t want to say it’s mania because I feel like my impulsivity and mood swings can seem like mania when it’s not but anyway.

I called up my old plug 3-7 days ago. Idk. Time hasn’t felt real in a really long time. But I got some ecstasy. I knew it was pure mdma because he uses this guy I used to work with when I was selling straight from the Netherlands. Ok I’m sorry I am getting so distracted omg focus. Focus. Okay.

So I get the Molly, I do a gram (rock/crystal form) and was so insanely tweaked. I hadn’t been so high in forever. I missed it immediately. I ended up talking to this older guy I had been talking with from Tinder for a while. He invited me to go to this party. I drank a decent amount but not too much and had a really fun time honestly. It was full of hookers and homeless people and thugs/gang affiliated people but I’ve kinda been like that at some point so I didn’t judge at all. It was like an apartment but kinda a trap house. Anyway I had this underlying feeling I shouldn’t be there. I recognized some people I used to hang out with when I was at my lowest and I knew it wasn’t me. Also the older guy I met with was very handsy and made me really uncomfortable. He tried to finger me on the couch and standing up and pretty much everywhere multiple times when I kept telling him I don’t like to do that stuff in front of all these people. I mean they were degenerates so they wouldn’t have cared if he had sex with me in front of all of them but it was a bit too much for me. We made out a lot but I honestly wasn’t super attracted to him. He groped me throughout the night (boobs/butt) really hard constantly, especially if I was talking to literally anybody else. It made me feel like a dirty whore. Like he just brought me there as a slut to grope the whole night. It was degrading.

Anyway when I got back home at 3 I decided to meet up with this guy (younger actually, like 23-25 I think) and his friend I met on tinder. They were visiting nyc and just wanted fun. So we hung out and did more Molly (I took about 1.5-1.7 g this time) and again was super tweaked. Nothing happened sexually but I am supposed to meet with them again in a few days but I won’t because I’m now disfigured (I’ll explain later)

So I got back at my apartment around 9am. Still tweaked the rest of the day. I threw up a couple times (both times) because I just took wayyyy too much. So that same guy from before at that party invited me to the club, with him and some of the other people from the house party before. I looked super cute. I hadn’t eaten in probably 4 days so body looked rlly good imo and I hadn’t eaten in a cute black short laced up dress with a black cross necklace and ugh so cute. I was dancing my ASS off at that club. Since I had been sober I think I only went to the club 1-2 times but I was having so much fun. I took 2 grams of ecstasy and had like 3-4 drinks I think. The man that invited me wasn’t having fun and I think was annoyed at me maybe so I said I’m gonna do my own thing. My old coworker (I quit my job and made a scene and left in the middle of my shift about a month ago maybe 2 idek) was there and we were having SOOO much fun omg. My bangs were literally wet with how much we were dancing I kinda looked really bad atp cuz my hair got curly and frizzy but wtv idc. The man calls me and tells me we have to leave. I said I was having fun but he was my ride so I waid okay meet me in the smoke room. Ofc as soon as he comes my friend went to get a drink and this guy started sitting beside me and flirted with me. The man I was with got really bad and dragged me out.

He was making me kind of scared at this point but I was so tweaked out I just got in the car with him. We go to the same apartment as the night before. On the car drive he was telling me how he had sex with this girl after I left. I felt weird that he told me that. It made me feel bad. Then all his friends were talking about how he is so good with getting young girls and basically he’s a whore. Then I felt like a whore. He made out this girl (I think she is a hooker tbh but not to slut shame but Jesus Christ.. like this girl was so trashy and played spin the bottle with a circle of 10 guys and just went around kissing all of them passed around like a joint. Grown btw like probably 20-24) so anyway right after he was done heavy making out with her he immediately tried to finger me and make out with me right after!!! I was so pissed and kinda just in shock I just froze and stared at the wall for a long time.

This guy, super sweet, was the only kind person there. Actually I met him at the club, he was spouting at me about how Jesus still loves me and things when I didn’t ask. So I thought he was a bit annoying. But at the party he took really good care of me, kept asking if I was okay and needed water and stuff. Just really great. So the man I came with was now fucking that girl on the balcony. I tried to go out to smoke but she was sucking his dick and he closed the door in my face. I was just so overwhelmed in that moment. I felt so stupid. I broke my sobriety of over a year and I’m back to rock bottom. With people who don’t care about me at all. That wanna use me for my body or drugs, that’s it. I started to get really overwhelmed and the Christian guy could tell. I kind of started yapping about how that man made me feel and he agreed it was wrong of him. At this point I had taken like 6 shots (I’m a lightweight) so I was so fucked.

Someone that man got back from the balcony and wanted me to get Coke. They wanted me to buy it. I said okay. I had $200 to my name and I spent $100 for both of us and got a gram for me. I did two really fat lines and immediately regretted it. I just wanted to cry. I hate that I was doing it. I hated I was back to being this stupid poor whore girl doing lines in the corner. I felt so overwhelmed. The coke wasn’t helping. I was dancing around to no music looking insane. Half the people were passed out on downers and the other half were fucking. I was just dancing in the living room to the music in my head. I gave the rest of the bag to the Christian guy because he was nice and I didn’t want to finish the bag.

Then of course I got really fucking sad and has some kind of crisis. I just hated the fact I was there but no one would take me home and I was too paranoid to walk back/take train back home. The man said we swould spend the night there.

Turns out the Christian guy told everyone what I said. He assured me they wouldn’t say anything but that man was their good friends and I knew they were gonna tell him I was “talking shit” about him and he’d get really angry.

I ended up shooting up some heroin. About a gram, my last $100. I asked the man I came with if I should, hoping he would say no because he knows I’m a recovering addict, but he said to definitely do it so I did. No tolerance, I honestly was hoping to just die. I passed out on the couch for I have no idea/ at least 4 hours. I’m still not sure if someone laced a drink I was given because I was KNOCKED out. I had never been like that to this extent with just heroin. Anyway when I woke up I boobs hurt really bad. I looked and they are both completely covered with horrible splotches and bruises. It’s horrible. Completely covered in bright red and purple. I took some pictures but it’s probably too graphic to show but ya. It felt like my clothes had been taken off and lazily put back on. My straps were hanging down and my panties were practically to my knees. My ass hurt really bad. I am sitting on frozen peas right now. I think I was probably raped most likely.

Last thing I remember is the Christian guy laying behind me on the couch and touching me and asking if the guy I came with would care we were sleeping next to each other but I was just nodding out super b. I don’t remember if he ended up doing anything more than grabbing my butt and boobs but whatever he was nice and I was passed out so whatever I guess. When I woke up the Christian guy was gone. Everyone was annoyed at him because he wanted them to kick the man I came with out (which felt a bit dramatic) I was kinda annoyed because he was causing so much bigger problems for me and starting drama and now I look crazy. But it was still sweet. Anyway the man was still there but passed out. Only one person was awake (apt owner) and I think he was annoyed with me for accidentally causing drama and wanted me out. I got home at maybe 10-11 am. He got me an uber. I immediately blocked the man I came with and I hope I don’t see him again because I have a good feeling he has anger issues and found out I told the Christian guy I made him uncomfortable and raped me. Maybe multiple people did. I don’t want to think about that fuck.

Also I didn’t mention this but the worst part; my face looks horribly disfigured. I tried sending a pic to my friend but I seriously can’t I’m just so ashamed. My face is genuinely 10x bigger. It’s so swollen. I don’t know what they did but I look so horrible. My lips and mouth and bleeding. It’s possible I just was biting on the inside of my mouth when I was tweaked out and didn’t know. But please trust me when I say I look disgusting. It’s like I have two baseballs in each cheek. Seriously. Not being dramatic in the slightest. It kinda feels like I had been punched/slapped a lot but idrk. I can’t go outside anymore that’s for sure.

It’s what I deserve obviously. I think he decided to go back on my meds. I really don’t know why I stopped taking them, I didn’t have too bad side effects, I felt like a normal person for once. I just kinda lost my spark I guess. But god. I just hate myself so bad. I can’t believe I through my entire sobriety down the drain. It’s just really fucking tragic. I thought things were getting better for me, and they were, but I just have to self sabotage everything. I fuck literally everything up around me. I’m just so fucking ashamed of everything. I know it’s 100% my fault because I literally begged to be put in a dangerous situation like that I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me I’m so fucked in the head it’s fucking scary idk what’s wrong with me

I’ve never had a come down so bad in my life. But then again it’s been 3-5-7 ??) days of non stop mdma use so ya my serotonin is seriously so so so fucked. I haven’t been this suicidal in years and years. It’s all I’m thinking about rn. I’m not going to do it I don’t need comments convincing me not to because I won’t. I always ruin everything good every single time my entire life, why does it matter. I probably won’t do it. I can’t go back to the ward, especially that I’m an adult. If people found out I was using again, they would be so disappointed and felt betrayed. I’m a liar and a dirty gross whore junkie with no future. I hate myself so much. I put myself into this position. I fucked up so bad. I feel so violated and sick to my stomach. I don’t know what to do right now. I have no one. I embarrassed myself with the degenerates by being dramatic and way too tweaked out and annoying and I definitely embarrassed me and the good influences I have in my life now. I just don’t know how to get back on track.

I told my cousin a bit of this story but left out a lot of things, he said he couldn’t talk and hung up. But he did say I should go to rehab. I said I don’t need to go because the thought of doing another drug ever again makes me sick to my stomach. And that’s true. But also deep down I know myself and I know I’ll probably be high on something again soon. I hate to say that but it’s probably true. For now tho I’m just sobbing and trying to go to sleep but I can’t. I hate that I did this to myself. But also this is the most fun I’ve had in years besides last night specifically. I just crave the life so bad. What the fuck was I thinking becoming a psychiatrist? I’m literally so fucked in the head. I’m fucking insane. And pathetic. I’ll always be a poor junkie whore. Everything is just hopeless. Idk what else to say.

I was raped by an uber driver when I was 16 as well as my dad’s sexual abuse but this is so much worse than either.I just can’t go on like this. My face and body hurt so bad. I look so fucked up. Which is what I deserve. I now look how fucking horrible I am on this inside. Idk thank you so much to anyone that’s reading this mess of a vent any advice or just anything is really appreciated

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 8 days ago
▲ 3 r/depaul

Fun and interesting discover chicago classes?

I saw some that look really interesting but I think they are old and idk if they have them anymore. Some that looked really cool were “eternal endings: living-dying in Chicago”, “writers and writing in Chicago”, “chicagos spoken word performers”, etc. any recommendations?

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 15 days ago

Silly joke Jules made<3

Just got back from Chicago concert ,, when the band left for a few minutes before encore Julian said “sorry I was sucking fabs dick”

Music to my ears❤️

Thought u guys would appreciate the image

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 18 days ago
▲ 0 r/dating

What does it mean when you are constantly the rebound?

Although I’m only 18, I feel like I’m already at the age where I’ll never be anyone’s first love. It doesn’t help I only like older guys

Since I started dating everyone I’ve been interested in has at least one ex that they obviously think a lot about to say the least.

First guy, tom, told me after about 5 hangouts he broke up with his gf (3 year relationship) in January, it was march at the time. I really really liked him and ignored a lot of red flags. He would talk about her constantly, I seriously knew EVERYTHING about her. He still had pictures of her in his room. But I liked him so so much I thought I could somehow make him forget about her… we would hang out every single day for weeks at a time and I thought we had something special,, eventually after about 4 months of being in a “exclusive situationship” (whatever that means) I broke things off because it was so obvious he still loved her and texted and called her the whole time we would hang out… non stop. Also although he had a multitude of girlfriends his whole life all of a sudden he has horrible commitment issues. (Aka he likes me but not enough to be in a relationship, and probably the next girl he’s with will be his gf knowing my luck) (P.S. I was not just being jealous, after I broke things off he literally sent me reels on Instagram about men leading girls on after losing the love of their life saying “me” !!!)

Since then literally every guy I’ve been with has been the same way. EVERY ONE.

I won’t get into every situation but it just ends the same way. Guys really like me, I put in 100% of my effort and pretty much spoil them, but they just don’t like me as much as their ex ig.

Recently I started talking to this guy and what do you know, he said the same thing. This time he did tell me up front, he called before we were supposed to hang out for the first time. He said he broke up with his girlfriend LAST WEEK, and even though she just got all of her stuff out, there’s a small chance she would come to his house….???? He said she was still trying to make it work but he’s been “checked out”. I told him I appreciate him being honest but I don’t want to get involved with that drama at all. He kept messaging me a lot though and complimenting me and saying he doesn’t wanna be desperate but he really likes me and wants to get to know me. After a couple weeks I asked if his situation changed at all and he said yes but it hadn’t really, just some drama about him seeing her on tinder or smth, but they keep in contact a lot and have been arguing so I was like ya I’m still okay,,, dodged a bullet probably.

At this point after GENUINELY every single guy liking me after they break up w their gfs (guy after last one was with his for 12 YEARS before me) I decided maybe I should just stop looking for a relationship and enjoy my summer before I move for college in a couple months.

Then, most recently, I met this really sweet guy who seemed super nice. We agreed to keep things casual until I left but he was cooking for me and doing all this relationship type stuff so I kinda caught feelings. I get his Instagram after a while and look at his reposts like an idiot. The first 10-20 were all depressing heartbreak reels that seemed recent. Then the last like 100 before then were all “I love my gf” “my gf is perfect” blah blah reels. I asked when he got broken up w and ofc it was like 2 weeks ago and I’m the first girl he’s been with since then.

How do I break this curse???? Seriously. I know it has to be me. How does every guy I’ve ever been with in my life always see me as a rebound. I must have it written on my forehead. Every single guy is so nice and sweet at the beginning before going cold after a few months. ATP I’m missing these guys ex’s as much as they do bro just by how much I hear about them. Is this a common thing? Do most men in this era miss their first loves forever? Why do all these men I know immediately jump right back into dating if they are clearly so hurt???

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 23 days ago

Getting iud in 3 hours im so so scared

I’m getting Liletta. I am very scared about pain but right now my main concern is that it can be FELT?? The strings?? I keep seeing so many Reddit posts about this. Is this rare or very common???? I know the first 6+ months the string is like really hard and feels like a fishing line and can hurt male partners. I’ll be honest I like having sex !!! And I don’t want to feel bad/make guys hurt or feel uncomfortable!! What the fuck like I’m going to college in a couple months I don’t wanna wait a year for the strings to soften and even then I don’t want them to feel that!!! I saw two posts where people got a DIVORCE because it ruined their sex lives. People pleaseee tell me if it’s common or am I freaking out for probably nothing

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 25 days ago
▲ 1 r/depaul

Limited times people can come over??

I’ll be in Lincoln park dorms (oz) and I was just wondering about checking ppl in. Like I heard you have to specify if it’s for the night or not? Also you get a limit to how many people you can have over a month or smth? Is this true plz say sike

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 1 month ago

What ethnicity do I look like

I’m v bored and copied this from sum other guy srry. But seriously I’ve gotten EVERYTHING

Edit: I’m tired of saying “close” but I’m italian (Sicilian) I moved to the US when I was about 6.

And yes I know I give off Wednesday Adam’s vibes apparently I don’t need any more comments saying that😭

Ty guys good night 🔥🔥

u/ladylazarusxxo — 1 month ago

OH MY GOD I WANNA DIE

My mom just walked in on me grinding on this guys lap and making out and oh my goddd I’m gonna fucking end it holy shit I wanna die

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 1 month ago
▲ 5 r/drunk

I’m drunk

I wanna talk to ppl but I don’t wanna nanoyhy them I mean. Annoy I’m fun fun I promise someone talk to me I wanna call or FaceTime ty

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 2 months ago
▲ 1 r/depaul

Hi! I will be a student next year (30’) and was wondering when/where/how to unenroll for the health insurance it automatically charges for (if you can). Thank you in advance!

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 2 months ago

Just wondering if anyone has taken a lot of abilify?? What happened?? I had 7 bottles of 10mgs. Can you actually die from it or is that pretty uncommon? Anyone with pharmaceutical/medical/personal experience appreciated.

P.s. I don’t need a lecture on how I should live etc I have gone through my first heartbreak and I’m miserable

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u/ladylazarusxxo — 2 months ago