u/landyboi135

NSFW because of the swearing and because the subject matter is a bit heavy.

I have not been a good person or in a good place for a long time, I’m not beating myself up when I say this, it’s the truth. I was bullied in middle school and one day I snapped, then I tried to go back to being a pacifist (pushover) once high school started, but I was in a small group class and got bullied there, the staff did jack shit even when they were the victims themselves and eventually I became a bully myself, part of that was because I snapped took personal enjoyment out of pissing off the people who caused me pain and stress but I was also defending myself in the only way I knew how to back then because all my parents told me was to ignore it or go to the staff (spoiler alert, the staff were either cowards, negligent, or ableist).

Anyway back then, my concerns about my autism were small, mild. I had things I felt made me unique, my sense of humor, my love for video games (specifically stuff I rarely hear my generation speak about), I had nice hair, I felt like I had some intelligence and could read people (the reading people thing being a defense mechanism from a past with psychological abuse that actually made me feel better about myself until I got to the point of trusting no-one), and at one point I had gotten into the smell of Salmon. I even loved the smell of cigarettes which while most people found crazy I took pride in feeling different from other people, autistic or not.

Then 2024 came, I had graduated high school, was going through a severe depression and mental breakdown due to a messy ending of a two year long relationship as well as developing two addictions and I go to some free government funded school for the disabled which factually was one big small group class, emotionally it felt like high school 1.5 but with no friends and everyone acted like they were from Twitter, and my family definitely saw the place as a “sped school”.

That school in question, the people there, students mostly broke me down psychologically, I was dealing with serious issues before I got there but the people there were selfish manipulative assholes that if you said the wrong thing they’d immediately get everyone on your ass for whatever reason with a few decent exceptions (think if twitter was an apartment complex). The only positive I got from being there was being educated more politically and even learning more about other things unique to the autism experience, stuff my parents kept hidden from me or were too ignorant to realize. Unfortunately that mixed in with Trump’s presidency and my sheer hatred for the people I had been placed with was also what started me falling apart more.

I developed internalized ableism, my old high school bully self was back and much worse and sometimes my brain goes down some borderline social Darwinist shit. (I have talked about it with family here and there, hell I have a brother with ADHD who may be autistic as well, he was never diagnosed.)

Despite all this I think as long as someone can actually respect another and mind their own business, show kindness, I see that as intelligence and I don’t usually look down on other autistic people, yet I worry about being the stereotype, worry about being stupid and said stupidity coming from my autism, I worry about my worth if I’m stupid or what I could achieve with being stupid, I fear I’ll always be seen as a kid or “special.” And no matter how many times I remind myself it’s low self esteem and I hate myself I don’t actually hate autistic people but rather lashed out, out of hatred for some individuals or the stigma of being autistic. It’s like sometimes another more angry misanthropic (because I straight up have an issue with most of humanity, society itself. My issues were either perpetuated or downplayed by both neurotypical and neurodivergents alike) asshole is telling me that it’s my fault and my autism’s fault and wants to punch down others.

I tried believing the substance abuse and too much time on the internet was the culprit but even when I’ve spent a week off caffeine I’m still crazy and in rage, which leads me to wonder if it’s the state I live in, the fact I’ve been away from sane people for too long, or the fact I just need to talk to someone.

I don’t know.

I am looking into psychological help but I also just need support or some kind of advice on how I can help change my mindset while I’m looking into things, if anyone has anything I heavily appreciate it.

Ever since things went wrong my senior year things have been rough. I developed addiction problems, some I’ve dropped others still linger, one of the addictions I dropped carried over into me daydreaming that I was somebody else. At first it was a fictional idealized version of myself, then it was various characters from various fictional properties, and then it was another character I made who was female.

Every time I think of myself I either feel disgusted or need to look in the mirror or be around people just to remember who I am, and even when I have some sense of reality, I get these ocd like symptoms which fuck up my sense of reality as well, whether it be taboo subjects or the most harmless things like sexual orientation or gender even though I had myself figured out there a long time ago and I think the daydreams I have had just made things worse for me there..

I remind myself who I am all the time and try to remember how I was feeling days before an intrusion happens or even remember how a lot of times my day dreams make my life feel like a work of fiction making it all more bearable to me

But tonight I don’t know what’s real right now, I want to talk about it with someone, maybe the family member who’s experienced and even informed me of this daydreaming phenomena but I’m scared of how the conversation will play out, especially with how it’s affected me.

The other days even when it started out as the idealized version of myself were much better than this, I’m still looking for therapy adjacent resources right now but I can’t keep this anxiety in…

Is there any way I can cope with this right now? If anyone has anything?

Without getting too emotional or too much info, I have a lot of issues, issues that I’ve had since I was a child that only grew worse as I got older, some issues are newer, and some surfaced in their worst ways as I got older.

As it stands right now, I struggle with keeping myself together and controlling my emotions, I have intrusive thoughts that add to the consistent anxiety and guilt I feel on a day to day basis, and I have a self esteem that’s gotten worse over time.

I want to get tested for OCD as well as anything else I could possibly have but I don’t know where to go there, if I have OCD I hear specialists are required for the intrusive thoughts part but I have issues outside of intrusive thoughts and it makes me question if I need more than one therapist, and then I start spiraling after that part.

I’ve never researched for getting professional help before, I straight up don’t know where to go (I suck at researching without a direction) but I also know I can’t keep living life waiting for some opportunity to fall on my lap and I’m not the healthiest person to be around even if it’s just me alone.

If anyone can give me some pointers I’d really appreciate it, I hope I’m making sense here.

I have it on xbox360 but don’t want to pay to play online

I was contemplating getting K&L2 for ps3 to play the multiplayer assuming those servers were active.

I don’t even know if that’s the right title but it’s the closest thing I’ll get for a question.

I have lots of issues. (I’m 20)

I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts since I was 11, I’ve had tics since I was 12 (which have gotten worse and more embarrassing as I’ve gotten older), I’m a loud speaker because I hear louder (something I wish I could fix/want to really badly), I’ve been addicted to caffeine since I was in my single digits (which doesn’t sound serious until you realize that I’m codependent on it as well as the fact it heightens my emotions and makes my intrusive thoughts worse as well as giving me angry hateful thoughts alongside that), I have another recent addiction from two years ago I don’t want to talk about here, I lack control of my emotions, I’m lazy and codependent on the help of others, I lack a self esteem, I’m uncomfortable around almost everyone and struggle to connect or to relate to most people, as well as various other things.

I have a lot of undiagnosed issues alongside my ADHD and Autism and specifically for the intrusive thoughts I need to know if it’s OCD or if I’m actually some sick bastard and I know I can’t just go to a regular therapist about that, I need a specialist for that but can I find someone who’s that and a regular one? Or do I need to pay for two therapists?

Aside from lacking a knowledge of where to start I also am just sick and tired of this endless cycle of looking for a reason to keep on living, I’ve gone through fifty billion grudges, fifty billion relapses, and fifty billion moments where I either rant and scream in private or lash out at someone I care about.

It’s either kill myself or help myself, but since everyone wants me to live so badly I guess it’s the second thing.

I’m sorry for being all negative in this post, I’m burnt out of life, I’m burnt out of the baggage from the past couple of years I’ve been on this earth, I don’t think my life is actually my life and instead some extension of other people’s, I am burnt out of looking for hope only to be proven wrong, I’m tired of disappointing and hurting people. I’ve disappointed myself too much all while trying to change even if I think I’m an irredeemable piece of shit.

Once again I’m sorry for being negative.

I’ll reply to the comments when I’m in a better mood assuming this post even gets accepted.

This is both a vent and a question

I see no indication of a bite but I saw a tick fell off my pants and I went to check and see what kind it was, it had the white star and I knew immediately what it was.

I know getting bit by one of those things is the leading cause for alpha gal and I’ve been fearing getting that ever since I learned of my parents having it and now I’m thinking I’m going to be getting it now but I don’t want to jump to conclusions just yet, if anyone has experienced getting bit by the lone star tick before can they please let me know what it was like for them or point me somewhere where I could find out if or if not I have it?

I’d highly appreciate it.

I’m seeing the doctor on Monday and plan on asking her about the situation too even though that was not part of the plan for the appointment but this is scaring me way too much…

Long story short, I’ve been taking St Jons wort for a couple of years after getting off of Zoloft because of the weight gain that medication caused. At some point the wort didn’t really help my anxiety or depression issues much anymore and the only positive it really gave me was that it allowed me to control my emotions better even under stress (although it could’ve been a placebo effect I don’t know), but I heard about an alternative and considered trying that, I also just learned recently that you’re apparently not supposed to take supplements with antidepressants just now and that leads me to my current question. I take medication for my ADHD and my tics, Methylphenidate in the mornings and Clonidine at night and I’m unsure if taking the medication while on St Jons Wort or SAMe is unsafe or not. If I should skip one somedays, take them all at seprate times, or if I’m doing nothing wrong. If anyone knows please be free to let me know and thanks!