u/lostinaview

Maybe I'm just someone with CPTSD, borderline, trust issues, social anxiety, and inability to let anyone in, covering it up with "it's just how I'm wired" and while it still can be how i'm wired for being demi, i still believe that there is a chance i could be not demi.

When i talk drugs for example it releases a lot of pressure and pain from my CPTSD so it makes me think it was just that all along.

I have so far dropped the labels. I have stopped identifying myself and i have moved towards greater acceptance of myself in knowing that i haveba traumatized nervous system that is unable and struggles to let anyone in because intimacy is the greatest form of vulnerability and if I know that i calm down when i am calm then i am okay

Why should i not trust someone? Why must i develop an emotional connection? Is it because i struggle to build an emotional connection with someone else and i need them to fill in that spot while i feel a sexual attraction?

Am i sexually attracted to them or am i really just sexually attracted to the fact that they fill in a spot of me inside that i wasn't able to fulfill on my own? Really makes me think. Questions i still hold onto to this day.

Breaking discovery for me personally.

Im curious about doing part time. I get so burnt out. I havent worked in a year. My personality type is INFJ.

I did one year psychology major. Second year i dropped out due to burn out and school not allowong me to express my creative intuitive vision.

My dream job is music. Because i work alone, i control my own hours. Idealistically, im just looking for a temporary job while i focus on my passions.

I dont live on my own i have more financial flexibility. Its just more about me feeling confident that i can have the ability to work alone most of the time because i find that toxic coworkers, managers, supervisors can consume my mood so easily.

I absorb so much information.

I worked a job child care for 12 hour shifts and I burnt out after 3 shifts of training. I tried 1 shift as a cook for a medium chain restaurant and I burnt out in 6 hours after absorbing everyones energy and auras.

Idealistically 4 hours of work. Which, isn't realistic. 6 hours would be tolerable.

I feel like I'm not lazy and I always feel guilt like I'm not doing enough. I don't know how to express it to people other than I burn out so fast and I feel guilt that I'm not working at not as financially independent. For reference I'm 25.

I'm like really lost in life and I'm tired of acting like I know what I'm doing.

I absorb peoples facial expressions, their hidden mask, their narcissistic traits, i sense aura, i sense energy shifts all the time. I tried turning it off but i explode. I actually kept it in during work before and i was crying in the bathroom. Its like what the fuck why am i this way im not built for this shit.

Lately been trying to put myself out there and I feel like I'm doing all the right things and yet I just don't get the vibe back from others.

I don't know what I'm doing that is wrong

It seems like for others socializing and making friends is so easy

I feel like I am a good person. Kind, loyal, sweet at times, hyper empathic, compassionate, intuitive, I always try to learn from people on a deep level. I hate small talk because it drains me. I try to do small talk and it feels like sandpaper on my vocal cords. It's very painful.

I keep trying though.

Like sometimes I will see on youtube about how people have lost their mind or something and they are the only one that is sane. It seems like nobody wants to hang or just have a chat. It's like they are drones or something.

I even tried speaking to extroverted people (I am INFJ, introvert but also the modt extroverted of the introverts) and I just can't seem to spark anything.

Fuck man! Like I don't know what I'm doing that is wrong? I'm pretty fucking self aware dude. Well maybe I'm not if I'm not getting anywhere. How could you not want to talk to me. It's like nobody wants deep talk or to vibe. I don't take it personal I just want to understand

I am a deep intuitive understanding person. Thats who i am.

Even when you know you're doing everything right it still feels like you don't get what you want. On the surface you're loyal, communicative, honest, empathetic, kind, caring, compassionate, & moral, and yet, you scare people off. It's like, what did I do wrong? I did all of the things right that are expected of a good type of person. I did what a human is expected to be, at least a well adjusted human. I followed the "script".

I honestly laugh because I am hyper self aware and it bites back at me.

I think I am better off being alone, isolating, in nature, just in my mind.

Oh, people. You are funny. I just laugh. You have to laugh. Laugh at how ridiculous it is. It feels like I am the only human sometimes. Everyone else is alien. Or maybe I am the alien. This is why I don't talk to people much. I feel like I am the whole package. Always working on improving me. I feel like it scares people away or something I don't know. I always try to find the deeper meaning.

I'm going for a walk.

Ive been doing ifs for 4 years. I cant believe its been 4 already. Im glad im doing this because its the only thing that has helped me. Ive done a lot of unburdening on parts. As a sensitive soul like myself, i have absorbed a lot of pain like a sponge during my chaotic childhood that i have survived. I thought i would feel better healing myself but all it has made me feel is empty and like theres a massive pit inside me. Soul exhaustion. Societal exhaustion. It feels like a full time job just managing my emotions. I have complex trauma. I have went through hell dealing with healing. I still have to heal more because i feel in my body something is always wrong with me, like a weight, a sensitivity, a pressure.

I thought healing would bring me peace, happiness, satisfaction, like I can now focus on what I need to do: live and let live. But its just caused me to feel so empty. Honestly, its not emptiness when i think about it more.

Because emptiness is still something. Its more than that. Its like, perhaps grief, loss, misfortune, it's this withering away feeling. It's knowing you won't get your past back. All you have is now, forward, present.

So I've been going on more walks recently, in nature. It feels like i need constant breaks from the smallest inconvenience. I shutdown a lot over like nothing basically. Just breathing and existing is too much sometimes. Please believe me when I say this all, I am not exaggerating for attention.

I feel everything so much, so deeply. Everything stings me. I am so sensitive. I don't have any filters, barriers, or protections. I tried not feeling so much but it builds up again. It sucks because I thought healing would bring me more strength. It brings me back to how i was before. Im just older but still the same person who feels so much. I absorb the world like a sponge. I feel the pain of everything. Even when its not my pain, i feel it. I am a hyper deep empath, wired for emotions and depth.

I need so much time to rest and i need so many breaks like all the time. Ill eat my food or put the laundry away, do the dishes or something and i'm just like "fuck, that was exhausting".

I'm learning more about myself. I would see others talk sexual right away after seeing me and I'm like how? So I try and play along a bit & I actually get bored extremely quick. There's so many good looking guys out there but that doesn't mean I want to do anything sexual. I'm really trying but most of the time I don't have the social battery to actually talk and get to know people. I want to have sex with a couple guys. I'll fantasize of the ideal, romantic type of situation and how I portray them to be. But when I actually talk to them I get bored really quick. I feel like I need that depth, emotional connection, and personality to spark something in me.

I feel like if I wasn't demi I would be crazy sexual, like a fiend. I actually am horny all the time I just think more in my head that gets me turned on.

It's like nobody wants to talk to me now, because I don't want to hookup. I swear on everything I'm not trying to give people a hard time, I'm not playing hard to get.

There is this saying I hear where it's like "if you aren't fucking them on the third date or at minimum kissing them then you are wasting their time!!" And I'm just like "oh fuck man there's all this pressure to perform" and I can't do this. I'm not trying to play with peoples emotions. I seriously feel like I'm on the asexual spectrum or something.

I feel like my sex life would be crazy if I wasn't demi. Most people struggle with depth too so it feels like I'm the diver going deep into the ocean while they are at the shore.

#demiproblems anyone else feel the same? Do you have a MBTI so I can get your perspective better? Are you a HSP?

I feel guilt for not doing much with myself. I avoid things a lot. Things build up and I just get so self-absorbed in it. It's funny in a way because I can go through so much childhood trauma and be able to handle it no problem. But just the smallest inconvenience during my day will cause me to explode in rage and frustration.

I noticed too is that I have been fired from two jobs so far as a young guy in my 20s who is trying to be more functionable in society. I am very self-aware and I feel like I would get fired and or have issues with co-workers when I have done nothing wrong. I feel like they don't like me or the way I subconsciously call them out just by me being me.

So I tried working a new job back in March and I would get panic attacks during the orientation. I would take xanax, and other drugs just to calm my nervous system but I would still not be able to cope. I quit after 3 shifts of training. I didn't even start the actual job. I felt so shameful, embarrassed, and guilty. I would blame myself, tell myself I'm lazy, I'm just not hard working enough. Like I'm not trying. Eventually I broke down crying because my nervous system got so overwhelmed.

I'm like a white dandelion flower. The wind blows away my seeds and I lose my energy so quickly. If someone bothers me I will think about it for days, weeks, heck, even years. I tried putting a cap on myself but them I explode at a later date.

I feel like I'm not built for this world. Right now I'm not working a job and I haven't officially worked a job in over a year. I tried university again but I just collapsed after being burnt out after a few classes. It's like I can't get my shit together no matter how hard I try. I can't seem to build up the courage to apply for another job or try school again. I feel so lost and time goes by so fast when you aren't doing much. The past year went by in the blink of an eye.

For reference I'm 25M INFJ. I suffer from a lot of social burnout, work burnout, finding balance, and focus. My mind is a ticking time bomb ready to explode again because I can't seem to relax inside.

I feel like lately I've been embracing my extreme sensitivity instead of blocking it, suppressing it, or downplaying it. I take interactions very seriously. Sometimes not. I feel like I am a very kind person. I feel like because of my sensitivity and kindness it puts me in a situation where I feel like I'm signing myself up for hurt. I tried not being sensitive and "too much" by putting a cap on it. But eventually that bottle of sensitivity, feelings, and emotions explode and the cap comes off because I can't cap how I feel inside.

I woulf see other people and some of them seem so non-chalant, calm, and relaxed, at least on the outside. I feel like my sensitivity is a strength but also can be a weakness because I am more prone to hurt.

I guess I'm just trying to get at is: am I doing anything wrong? I just sometimes feel like I'm too much, I'm too sensitive. I can't seem to help it though. I try and try to act like I don't care so much, that it's not a big deal, but it is. I feel like I do have a backbone to some degree though. I have things that ground me like the gym, journaling, nature, therapy, and in general I focus on distractions to keep my mind from pondering and thinking too much otherwise it will make me go obsessive.

This is why I don't like romantic relationships, dating, talking to new people because my innate sensitivity is what always gets me problems. For reference I'm 25. I think I just need more hard life experiences. I don't know.

I'm introverted, shy, and also gay. It's hard enough as it is being gay because there is limited options. I'm also introverted trying to get out of ny hermit shell that I created for protection.

I would finally open up to the courage of finding somebody, someone, one day. You know, on these apps, I don't know how it is for straight people but for gay people, men particularly, they're horny a lot. I am horny too, it's just that, I am horny for the fantasy I create in my mind of how I want things to be.

So I would play along, I would send nudes to a guy, and I would be semi interested, but then I burn out so quick! I would freeze, avoid, and shut down the day after. I feel broken inside, because it feels like they're not broken, and I am the one with the broken toy, my sexual parts aren't flowing with their flow. Like I try and try to force myself to talk sexual, send photos, but there's no spark.

Logically, I can conceptualize that this guy is a nice looking guy. But I just can't feel turned on no matter what. I feel like there's this pressure to perform because it seems like they're playing a good act. But maybe it's not an act. Maybe they genuinely get turned on by the site of looking at somebody.

That's all. I feel broken. I feel flawed. I feel incompatiable. God knows that I won't be on Grindr. Are they all playing some sort of act? Did I not get the script? Why does it feel like everyone has the script and they know their lines except ME? I wasn't given a role, I wasn't given my lines. I'm stuttering, I'm freezing, and I'm shutting down mentally and physically. I am a deer in the headlights.

Thank you for reading. I'm just trying to be honest here.