u/lostsoulsairship

Sometimes it's like I get this long pms especially lately it happens. I don't get any mood related issues but physically I feel like crap. I'm not talking about ovulation pain, that lasted one day, but I started having these mild cramps like 3 days after ovulation pain and my cycle is like 5 weeks so this is day 10 of feeling achy and tired. I hate this I have no energy my stomach hurts my boobs hurt my joins ache I get mild headaches, sometimes lightheaded, overall just feel like crap like I'm about to get ill. Sometimes I think am I actually just getting a flu but no. And the thing that makes me feel worse is that the actual pain is still about to start so that's another week wasted. Is it normal to feel physically bad for half of the month? it feels like such a waste of time. I get so mad at myself not being able to focus and get things done

I'm new to firing. the kiln is empty. it's the maintenance firing. can I turn it off at 1000°C? Will it damage anything?

I got a kiln second hand and I'm doing the recommended empty maintenance firing at 1050°C / 100°C per hour. It's been going for 11 hours. The kiln is now at max temperature and slowly cooling.

I never tried setting the program before. I didn't know how much to put on the last ramp rate (the decreasing one) because it wasn't in the manual. I read somewhere it should be 50°C which was the pre-set rate so I put that value in but now I realize it will keep going for another 20 hours at this rate. that seems like way too much. did I make a mistake? do I just turn it off at some point? thanks

People keep telling me "hey you should make a website and try to actually sell your art or at least get it out in the world" one friend even offered to make me an exhibition.

I realized I feel so uncomfortable about sharing anything personal unfer my full legal name, being in search results online, thinking someone will dig up my whole digital footprint and find something abhorrent. I avoid social media like the plague. sometimes I make a reddit burner account on tempmail to vent but that's all. The idea of having my name on an official art exhibition rises my blood pressure.

I'm not even a very socially anxious person. I'm not normally afraid of people's judgment, not for real everyday things like my appearance or work. but this is different it's like "what if I actually did something terrible they'll see my name and understand I'm a monster or something" I probably did or said some weird or bad things at somw point in the past but who hasn't? it's not like I killed someone. what the hell is my brain punishing me for?

I mostly had other related issues and themes like contamination and health anxiety. but sometimes there's also this vague sense of guilt like I had done something horrible. it's not a new thing for me I experienced this as a kid and this feels similar like a deep sense of dread and guilt, remembering every small mistake or inconsequemtial past action and totally blowing it out of proportion

They're just like meh I'll be fine in a couple of days. They eat expired food like "it's fine. worst case scenario I get a little sick" they feel achy their first thought is "let me get some rest" not "what is happening to my organs" like how do they do it? How do you achieve this level of peace with the unpredictable nature of our existence

It does that sometimes idk why but it comes early and then lasts way too long. it doesn't really affect my mood as much as I feel it physically. I started having milder stomach cramps like 3 days after having ovulation pain. now I feel slow, achy, tired and have brain fog and there's probably another week of this waiting for me. Sometimes I randomly get dizzy too. shortly before period it feels like I'm getting a cold or uti. Anyone else?

They're among the very few public spaces where you're allowed to hang out and just exist without paying. They have AC in the summer, heating in the winter, free bathrooms, unlimited books when you're bored and the best part is that it's quiet. like there is no other place I know of where you can go and expect there to be quiet when you're overwhelmed. They're a lifesaver when you miss a bus or want a place to hide from the heat or rain or to calm down or sudy

Sometimes I go out and just walk around thinking maybe I'll find somwone I could hang out with or someone I know but usually nothing happens. Sometimes I sit in bars and parks sketching or reading

Yesterday I did that again except I got so lonely that I started crying. Even tried calling a childhood friend. She didn't even bother texting me. so I went to the library bathrooms to cry

Anyway I don't feel like going outside anymore I'll be in the garden hanging out with my tomato plants. it's a cold world out there

I don't know how to describe it I don't miss anything but I never felt like I belonged anywhere. No relationships, no making close friends. I'm not even socially anxious just disconnected like I have no dreams, no reason to do anything. I'm a normal 26 year old woman on the outside but there's something wrong with me on the inside. I don't want to get a job, I'll never go to school again even though I was good at it supposedly I didn't finish studying, I don't have crushes, I don't dream about starting a family, I don't know if there's anything that I want. I felt miserable for so long that I don't even know who I am without it. Idk what else to do therapy sucks, I'm in a good shape, my lifestyle is relatively healthy, I have hobbies. I used to socialize a lot more but didn't make lasting friendships, didn't feel understood, always thought people don't really like me and I don't even feel like I want to be liked by them. Sometimes I go outside and just walk around aimlessly thinking maybe I'll find someone to hang out with but there's no one to talk to and I just end up feeling empty. I feel so disconnected from people that when they talk about life it just makes me sad anyway

When you're growing up there's someone who gives you so much pain for being "slow, forgetful, lazy, disorganized" etc. you get yelled at or bullied or punished in ways that don't work and make you feel terrible about yourself we've all probably been there

and then you grow up and find out that this person has ADHD. they've been managing this chaos alone their whole life, were constantly punished for it by parents and society and had to repress their feelings until it all turned into self directed anger.

And then they saw you and saw themse in you and that's why they were so angry or cruel or strict because it's a habit for them. this is how their brain was conditioned to react to ADHD so they do it to you too. but you didn't know that as a kid you though you were hated and worthless but it was never the case. you were treated unfairly but not hated. not a fundamentally bad or damaged person or a failure you were just a relatively normal kid

It's a warm summer evening and the streets are crowded. There's music sounding from every square. I get a drink and walk around for a bit listening to the music and watching everyone laugh and talk and dance. I'm in my new summer dress that I just made. I feel so small and light like a feather blown by the wind like I'm a see through ghost moving in slow motion. I find no one to talk to. the fading clear sky looks greyish blue like hot, heavy metal. I imagine being crushed by it or just dropping dead on the spot. there's nothing I can say I want or miss for. I guess this is the unbearable lightness. I lie down on an empty bench, close my eyes and wait for my last bus home as it gets dark. I feel like a lost thing lying there like I'm waiting for someone to remember they left me there, pick me up and dust me off

I feel like even in the good times when I don't feel depressed and I'm in a good mood living healthy it takes so little it takes like someone raising their voice at me or being rude and I'm back to cutting and wanting to be gone. why? I was always extremely sensitive I don't know why. It's not like I was coddled as a child. I got yelled at a bunch but my childhood was pretty normal. why is my will to keep going so weak? I was always sensitive. I'm extremely sensitive to noises too

But it's so much easier than looking up references or having someone pose for you or creeping on random people. plus at the end of the day as much as I love drawing/painting ramdom people I can only exprss what I personally experience so if it includes me a lot it would only make sense. I normally leave out the face so it feels like it could be anyone but still feel kinda egocentric about it. anyone else?

Hello, I'd like to compile my sketches into a sketchbook and then add new pages later as I continue making them if it makes sense. That way I can comfortably tape down my watercolor paper on a board and sew it in later

they sent me the report and didn't explain anything but got referred to echocardiography. I don't really understand any of it but it can't be too bad right like they don't seem like high percentages with the events (it says 4% ventricular 2% supraventricular beats)

I got the 24 hour holter and the day was very uneventful, I barely felt any symptoms so I thought nothing would show. then I got the results and they show so many different events and I just don't know how to interpret the numbers like are they low or high? who knows.

there was one short episode of afib, some bradycardia (3x), arrhythmia (120), both supraventricular and ventricular extrasystoles (around 4200 overall) in couplets and triplets whatever that means, some bigeminy, supraventricular tachycardia apparently, 19 "pauses" idk what else

edit: I'm a 26 year old woman if that's relevant

my echo appointment is in almost two months and I'm a little worried because for example today like on a lot of days it's much worse than on the monitor and my heart just won't stop skipping and jumping in my chest all day

edit: added the numbers

is that something to worry about or just some weird freckle that grew along the scar