Sometimes going back is just how you finally learn why it didn’t work the first time
I met my ex during the pandemic through Facebook Dating.
Funny how I’ve posted about him here through different stages of my life from the time I thought I was finally okay and sent him a closure message, to reconnecting, and getting back together, and now… this.
I almost didn’t make an account. I was already tired of dating apps at that point because everything felt repetitive and temporary. One day I saw my friend swiping on an unfamiliar app and asked what it was. FB Dating pala. I made an account out of boredom and matched with this guy the same day.
At first, he was honestly boring to talk to. I even told myself, “Di naman tatagal to hanggang bukas.” But then we started talking about dogs. They had a new puppy, same breed as mine. He asked me what name would fit the dog, and because FB Dating couldn’t send photos back then, he added me on Facebook.
That’s where everything started.
We talked every single day. It escalated fast. After only a week, naging kami na. Looking back, sobrang impulsive and go-with-the-flow ko noon. I didn’t even expect it to last.
But somehow, we lasted 2 years.
The weird part? He was my first boyfriend after being single for 5 years, and we barely even saw each other because lockdown happened literally weeks after we met.
Even when restrictions became lighter, we still rarely met. There was always a reason. Senior daw yung nanay niya. Takot magka-COVID. Mahirap bumiyahe. Maraming excuses. I understood all of them because I loved him.
He was still studying when we met. Broke. Delayed graduation. But I still imagined a future with him anyway.
I remember telling myself:
“If nothing changes after 2 years, ayoko na.”
And eventually, nothing really changed.
I slowly fell out of love without realizing it. I wasn’t happy anymore. My needs weren’t being met. We barely saw each other, there was little effort, and I started feeling emotionally alone in the relationship.
I was already planning to break up with him after his birthday trip with his mom because I didn’t want to ruin his celebration.
But when he came back from the trip, he excitedly told me he wanted to bring his friends there next time. I got irritated and asked him, “Saan ka kukuha ng pera?” I think that moment triggered something in him emotionally. Ang sama ko for saying that to him. I know, I’m just mad na he couldn’t make plans with me.
After that, everything spiraled.
He became emotionally unavailable. Blank. Silent. Drained. I tried to stay because I thought love meant staying even during someone’s lowest point. Maybe love. Maybe guilt. Maybe both.
I kept telling myself:
“I’ll stay hanggang maging okay siya.”
“Ako muna magpapakatatag for us.”
He kept pushing me away because he said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. We both cried. I begged him not to leave. Every day I messaged him even without replies. Kasi I want him to feel na di sya nag iisa. Every night I cried. Affected na din mental health ko.
Until one day, he finally message and ended things.
After that, complete silence.
Unfriended.
No contact.
As if we never existed in each other’s lives.
That breakup changed me more than I realized.
I went into full distraction mode after. Hooked up with someone from Bumble immediately just to feel something. Then came the hoe phase. Flirting. Different guys. Situationships. Validation. Distractions.
At first I thought I had moved on because I wasn’t crying anymore. But eventually I realized I was just surviving.
It took me years to actually process everything.
And honestly, I’m thankful for that phase too because I learned so much about myself. I learned my standards. I learned what kind of love I actually want. I learned that I can walk away now when a guy has no direction, no effort, no consistency.
Then after 3 years of no contact, life did something funny.
I opened CODM again, the game we used to play together.
Apparently he had been sending me gifts every single day there. I accepted one and he messaged me immediately. We started talking again.
I found out he had finally graduated. They had a business now. He had a motorcycle already. He started becoming the version of himself he used to dream about when we were still together.
Masaya ako for him, and akala ko closure lang tong usapan namin.
We got back together months later, but this time I was different. I became very upfront about what I wanted:
growth,
direction,
stability,
future planning.
I told him I didn’t want to waste time anymore.
At first, things felt better. We saw each other every Sunday. He paid for dates. He was more physically present this time.
But eventually, I noticed the same pattern again.
I kept encouraging him about his plans abroad, but I couldn’t feel any urgency from him. I suggested finding better work while waiting. I wanted us to prepare for the future together.
But one day, when I opened up about being worried for our future, he told me:
“Ayaw ko muna isipin yung future.”
And I think that’s when something inside me quietly broke.
Because that’s when I realized:
we were still not aligned.
I want stability.
I want someone mature.
Someone proactive.
Someone who can build a future with me instead of avoiding hard conversations.
Someone my family can respect.
He knew my mom didn’t like him, but instead of facing them properly and proving himself through actions, he avoided them completely and asked me to lie whenever we went on dates.
That said everything to me.
I kept telling myself,
“I’ll stay for 3 months. If nothing changes, I’ll leave.”
But I stayed longer than that.
Deep inside, I already knew I didn’t love him the same way anymore. I think I just couldn’t leave because I was tired of explaining the same things over and over again. Maybe part of me was also scared of what would happen after. Scared of what I would feel once it was really over.
But every day felt the same.
Paulit-ulit na lang yung feeling na hindi ako masaya.
I realized, bakit ko pa pinapatagal when I already knew we wouldn’t work long-term? He said before that he could step up, that he had plans for our future, but nothing was really happening. We’re already in our 30s and I don’t want to waste more time hoping someone will become ready eventually.
One day, something in me just snapped.
I became cold, and this time he didn’t really care anymore either. Maybe we were both exhausted already.
He still said “I love you” every day. He still said “I miss you.” But it stopped feeling real to me. Parang routine na lang siya. Something you say because it became part of the relationship, not because you genuinely feel it.
Our relationship started feeling robotic.
Daily updates.
Same conversations.
Same disappointments.
Same silence.
And I realized I couldn’t say “I love you” back anymore because I genuinely didn’t feel it.
I told him how I felt.
No response.
He even said “I love you” that morning.
The next day, I ended things.
Still no response.
No apology.
No acknowledgment.
Nothing.
At first I was angry.
But honestly? I was also relieved.
I finally had the courage to leave.
I saved myself from a relationship that kept draining me, and maybe I saved him from me too. Because the truth is, I become toxic too when my emotional needs stay unmet for too long and nothing changes no matter how much I communicate.
In the end, we both exhausted each other.
And the weirdest part?
I thought I would completely fall apart when it finally ended. Hindi na katulad dati na iniyak ko ng ilang buwan.
But surprisingly… I was okay.
Like genuinely okay. Kahit isipin ko sya, wala akong maramdaman na pain, kahit hanapin ko yung sakit, wala talaga akong pain na mafeel kung hindi relief. Gumaan pakiramdam ko na wala na kami.
Then I realized:
for me, the relationship had already ended emotionally months ago.
This was just the official goodbye.
I guess some people really do come back into your life not for forever, but to teach you the lesson you missed the first time