Strangely enough, I like being alive.
I've been thinking about something for a while now, actually for quite a while: I've discovered that I love being alive.
And I don't mean that in the sense that my life is perfect or that everything is okay. Quite the opposite. Bad things have happened, there are problems, there are days when I'm emotionally devastated. But somehow, none of that has taken away my desire to wake up the next day and find out what will happen.
It's almost like watching a series where I'm the main character. Each episode ends and I'm curious to know what comes next. It could be a great episode, it could be a horrible episode, it could be completely unexpected. I still want to watch.
I think I've reached a point where I can separate two things that, for me, don't need to be the same: my life can be awful and I can still enjoy living.
One bad event doesn't make my entire existence bad. A period of loneliness doesn't mean I hate being alive. One horrible day doesn't make all the other days worthless.
I didn't choose to be born, and I certainly didn't choose many of the things that happened to me. But, since I'm here, there's something very strong in me that keeps wanting to see the next chapter.
And I remain optimistic and dreamy even knowing that life can be brutal. Not because I think bad things won't happen, but because I don't see why the possibility of suffering should take away my curiosity about what might still happen.
Perhaps the strangest thing is that, sometimes, I feel that this way of thinking can even sound snobbish. As if saying "I love being alive despite everything" were automatically a demonstration of privilege, or as if genuine happiness with one's own existence were something suspicious when so many people are suffering.
But I don't think that's it. I'm not saying my life is better than anyone else's, nor that suffering is easy, nor that it's enough to think positively. I'm just saying that I can look at the bad things in my life without letting them define the value I give to my existence as a whole.
Maybe it's a strange way of looking at life. Perhaps other people think completely differently.
But I really enjoy being here.
And I find it curious to realize that.