going through a really rough time
i started my thc break on monday august 10th, so i’ve been fully off for one week now, and i am going through it.
i guess the purpose of me posting this is both to get it out of my head and also to hear anyone’s similar experiences/words of encouragement. i don’t really know why i’m posting to be honest. i’m desperate for some kind of comfort i think.
end of summer into september is always a hard time of year for me because i struggle heavily with seasonal depression, so having the summer wind down kinda kicks my brain into panic mode. that, along with my mom’s death anniversary and birthday both being within a week of one another at the end of september. this year i get the added bonus of it being ten years since she passed. lucky me.
i’ve become a pretty heavy daily user of thc over the past couple years. it’s fluctuated, but overall has steadily risen. i started very mild back around 2021–i’d hit a cart 2-3 times before bed, i got super fun high from it, and then it helped me sleep. that lasted for about a year. then i became more of a frequent user. started introducing it earlier in the day, trying new mediums, my tolerance went up, i was able to be in public high, then it moved to not wanting to be anywhere without being high. the classic pipeline i’m sure. starts off with “i can’t imagine being high in public i can barely function or think!!” to “i can’t imagine being sober in public, or anywhere, i can barely function without it!”
i’ve gone through a couple month and week long stretches without it previously, always with the intention of returning to it with moderation, but always ending up overusing it heavily and needing to stop again. it gets to the point where i’m hitting a pen constantly throughout the day, yet i barely even feel any positive effects from it at that point. i’ll cycle between joints, carts, dispos, gummies, just hoping something will hit harder than the last. i’m dipping into my savings account to buy it because i’m too scared to be without it, yet i barely even get high anymore. still, i crave it to the point that it feels like i’ll go crazy if i can’t have it. you guys know the drill. a constant loop of “this is my last thc purchase for a few months, i’m taking a break after this,” to almost being out of the weed and starting to consider all the ways and reasons why i need to just get one more before a break, all the excuses why i need just ONE more. and perpetuating the cycle until it just gets worse.
at this point, the brain fog has overtaken my entire being it feels like. as if i’ve completely lost the ability to concentrate or focus. even a week off it now, i sometimes have to remember, “am i high right now? why can’t i think of this/do this thing/focus, etc.” the first three days since i stopped my sleep actually got better, and the four days since it’s gotten worse. the brain fog hasn’t lifted. i feel terrible, really. just overall terrible, and i don’t know what’s related to the thc and what isn’t anymore.
i know it’s still early days in terms of a break, and i intend to stay on a break for the remainder of the year. i’m getting married in december and want to feel and look my absolute best, which is part of what helped me actually stop this time. still, i’m just.. sad? lost. i’m dealing with a lot right now, both physically and mentally, trying to sort out some medical issues and get my mind right. and i KNOW the thc was at a point where it was detrimental to me. but i don’t really care, you know? like if i didn’t have something like my wedding to look forward to and motivate me to stop, i probably would’ve just remained in that endless loop. because although it doesn’t actually help me feel any better at this point, psychologically i associate it with relaxation, anxiety relief, the ability to loosen up socially, just feeling better in general. even though my actual physiological response tells me those things are not true.
at this point i’m rambling. i don’t even know what i’m looking for here. i’m just really sad. and struggling. and it’s very isolating, feels like i lost a friend? i’m already dealing with so much grief, this feels like an added layer to it, as ridiculous as that sounds in my head.
i’m having a hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel in a way. will i ever be able to have a healthy relationship with weed? the thought of not being able to use it healthily and needing to stop completely actually hurts me. yet i can’t imagine sustaining a relationship with it like this forever. it’s a double-edged sword.
i’ve always struggled with my internal battle against my own brain. the way i was raised molded my internal voice into that of my enemy. so now as a 32 year old, i still feel powerless most times to my brain’s ability to override any healthy line of thought and push me toward the less healthy option. despite years and years of hard work. i still cannot find a peace, a balance in just about anything.
that’s it i guess. thank you for reading if you did. the only way out of hell is through, so i will continue to push ahead as i always have. i just miss the comfort, even if it was a facade, that thc brings. i just want to find peace.