u/picklockdick04

I 21(F) just got prescribed Busiporine a few weeks ago. However, I am abroad , away from home , alone (no family or friends around) and I am emetophobic. I did learn that the first week of taking busiporine often comes with intense nausea, and I just dont want to risk it rn when I am still far from home. Can anyone else talk about buspirone and their experence with it? any other emetohphobes that are also on busiporine ? did it help with the anxiety related to emetophobia at all? I will be back home soon so I am thinking of starting it then.

I 21(F) just got prescribed Busiporine a few weeks ago. However, I am abroad , away from home , alone (no family or friends around) and I am emetophobic. I did learn that the first week of taking busiporine often comes with intense nausea, and I just dont want to risk it rn when I am still far from home. Can anyone else talk about buspirone and their experence with it? any other emetohphobes that are also on busiporine ? did it help with the anxiety related to emetophobia at all? I will be back home soon so I am thinking of starting it then.

Hey quick context: I. 21 f, just realized that I have been incapable of properly loving anyone and thus I have never ever actually loved anyone in my life . It was always emotional codependency , or just straight obsession or over attachment. I currently have about 6 friends (by some actual miracle - like I do not know how) - I need to end the friendship now . Before I waste anymore of their time . They all deserve to be with someone that is actually capable of love and real connection. I am not capable of either . So if anyone here could help me kinda format or introduce this text pls ?

Also - the friendship is doing fine. I just cannot stand the fact that I would still be in their lives after knowing that I am incapable and have never ever loved anyone in my life , ever. Please help me write this text. I am not besties with them, they know things about me and I know things abt them. We are good friends at best but not best friends and not acquaintances.

I am currently not religious at all. I don’t go to church unless it is with my Catholic family. I don’t practice any religions on my own. Is this looked down upon on the Camino? Does it matter at all? I still would like to do it for the journey itself.

I have a photography account, where i posted landscape, nature, animal and some dance photos. I only responded to dms from other photography accounts. No nudity in photos, no blood, no harm, no sexual or violent content or inuendos. While i was still logged into my account on my laptop - while acively using the account , I was suddenly prompted by insta to "prove I am human" . I proceeded to be logged out and sent into the Meta help center nd told that I "successfully submitted an appeal". Account suspended ? , my account is only a few months old (5-6 months), I am using it to post photography and to get my photography more known so that I can actually get work. and then this shit happens, what do I do? I dont want to wait forever for the appeal to go through and be approved when my account was suspended on no grounds in the first place. I need this account , like actually, I am stil actively looking for photography gigs and having this account would be extremely beneficial. I still dont know where i went wrong in the account? it was just pure photography and I tried to make it semi professional/neutral. all work is mine, no ai or screenshots from other places. Is it possible that I was reported by someone?

Just found out/confirmed at 21 yrs old that I actually do have a tongue tie. And I’ve suffered through mental and physical digestive issues and I’ve been rectangular/swollen (not overweight - just “wide”) my entire life and it was all because of a fuck ass tongue tie?? Even struggled in dance and gymnastics to perform well or have good musicality cuz I’ve always been so fucking uncoordinated, and thick and muscular so I just look heavy instead of slinky. I am so pissed, and I don’t think that fixing it is gonna do anything at this point because I’ve suffered this whole time for a little string of shit under my tongue??? Literally tarnished all of my past friendships and relationships because of my piss poor mental health and ZERO coping skills - in part because of the devils string under my tongue!???! And NO ONE (not a single doctor I’ve been to - and TRUST I have been to SO MANY - for ALL different things) caught it?????! I’m so mad that I finally confirmed this today. I had a theory that I POSSIBLY had a tongue tie about a year ago or so - but never actually went through and confirmed it (maybe cuz I didn’t wanna face the feeling of my theory being correct) .

Hey, I 21F want to know more about peoples experinces PREPARING for camino de Santiago. Obviously, once you start it is long and hard and everyone is together yet on their own journey.

I want to know all about the prep work, since when did you start to prepare, to save money, to walk in the hiking shoes etc?

\- I am Female (21), and I struggle with other mental health issues and I dont have my own credit card, debit card (not fully my own - all is overseen and managed by parents). and I have absolute apathy towards money. Its not like ill happily blow off hundreds but when I buy a little treat here and there I just dont care about how much I really spend as someone that is currently doing an unpaid internship. Also are my parents narcs and I just never realized? im so confused and just opening my eyes to lots of things recently........ Here is a pasted summary of what I was talking abt with google chatbot. Ik its not a real person but it explained some financial basics to me that i wouldnt have understood otherwise. (you = I) srry for the 2nd pov confusion.

* You live in a one-story, small suburban house in Florida,
* Your family consists of four people: your mom, your dad, your younger sibling, and you.
* You just recently found out through an email about a federal work study oppotunity that your family does not qualify for financial aid at all because they deemed you to be "too rich." This past week was the first time ever in your entire life that you heard how financially comfortable you actually are, and it changed your perspective for good.

Your Relationship with Money and "Invisible Processes"

* You don't have your own bank account, ( i do but its overseen by my parents) you don't know how to open a credit account, and all of your cards are overseen and controlled by your parents. The money mostly comes from their account.
* You are financially illiterate and emotionally detached from money. If you spend money or earn money, you "high key don't care," and if you have a low-paying job in the future, you "don't fucking care."
* Money functions like the invisible processes in your body, like breathing. You don't have to know how your lungs work or do anything manual to breathe; you just do, you don't ask questions, and that's that.
* When you worked a job last summer, your mom had full control of your paychecks because she is the financial manager of that non-profit (daycare biz where i was areceptionist) Your paycheck came as a text notification on your phone and vanished into a BoA card or savings account. You never actually saw the money or transactions, you were going through a bad breakup at the time of working summr job and you just viewed it as invisible monopoly money and kinda ignored it in the end.
* If you have extra cash lying around stored in your own way (my own bags or folders in my room) your mom usually takes it (if she sees it out) trades out your bills for other bills in her purse, and tells you it will go somewhere safe or into savings. You care more about the cash because you can touch it and see it, but you could not give less of a fuck about your savings account. It feels like a covo happening in another room —it has literally zero effect on you but I can still hear it and be aware of it. You have no idea how much money is in there and never bother to check, even though the BoA and Capital One apps are on your phone just to make your Apple Wallet work.

Your Experiences with Control and Independence

* Your potential to work was sometimes taken up by summer dance intensives, studying abroad, or starting college in the summer semester. You are currently doing an unpaid internship abroad with three weeks left. Your mom paid for it and told you she'd be pulling from your savings account because it's expensive, but you weren't invited to the process and didn't bother to ask anything.
* You feel miles behind your friends who are paying for their own college, apartments, dorms, rent, cars, and cards. You mentioned a colllege friend from other city who is richer than your family and an only child, has everything granted by his parents but they still know how to paying his own rent and asking all the financial questions. You also see rich sorority and frat people who live comfortably but have their own cars, jobs, and pay for some of college themselves. You wonder why you never asked the questions or cared to learn for years, and you feel too lazy to try.

Patterns of Giving Up, Shutdowns, and Your Tattoos

* Your process when you don't know something is to "attempt" to learn or inquire, get blamed (or just blame myself for not knowning) or feel stupid and too old by your dad or mom, give up really fast, and then complain and blame.
* You suck at taking online classes because you procrastinate until the deadline and don't do the work (this happened twice before, including an online class you got a "D" in). Your parents got mad that you went to uni to "break their trust" by getting a bad grade and getting tattoos, despite you having good grades and being normal everywhere else in life.
* You realize you don't know how to make decisions at all or do research prior to anything in your life (travel, internships, etc.). You don't know where to start, don't want to, and it doesn't cross your mind to ask helpful questions. You never ask for help because in dance, you figured if you couldn't apply a correction immediately due to coordination, there was no point in asking.
* Oftentimes, you think you have a plan handled by yourself (ie - train tix, movie tix, tours abroad, visiting freinds in other cities ( I have no car) , future vacations for myself etc) , but the final block is payment. Because your card is controlled and seen by your parents, your plans immediately go to shit, so instead of researching how to open a bank account, you immediately give up and start scrolling. You feel lazy, easily distracted, and think you complain for attention because you are comfortable being negative, noting that you are more socially persistent for no reason and that there is a slight chance you are on the autism spectrum.

Hey, I’m fairly new to this - literally started yesterday. After going through a heavy swarm of depressive dark thoughts , all of the sudden on TikTok I saw a video abt law of assumption.

I know that the algorithm is just algorithm but I like to believe that the universe was actually trying to tell me something when showing me that tt vid abt law of assumption. I went down the rabbit hole of law of assumption and researched all abt it.

I was able to fully 180 turn my day around - in a matter of a couple of hours. It was INSANE! - came in to work feeling low, tired, dejected, and by the time I left I was confident , walking fast, and had literally the most gorgeous views in the afternoon and so much energy without having to nap! It was amazing . From time to time while walking I even would record videos (for myself only) - where I looked at myself and told myself things I was grateful to having , as part of my self concept building and shift.

I also wrote down all of the goals that I am in alignment with in my notes app.

This morning I listened to “Ring my bell” which from what I have seen is a high vibrational song , and I rampaged by thoughts . All in my head, basically meditating and while meditating I just kept thinking about how grateful I was for reaching my goals and how aligned I am with my goals and not a single doubt was able to come through.

I do have diagnosed anxiety so I know that some days will be harder than others. But can anyone explain the self concept shift to me? What kinds of things do I have to say to myself in the mirror - what are the robotic statements?

Also - if anyone has any feedback on what I’ve done so far pls lmk! So far I just feel SO MUCH BETTER overall - even tho I have struggled with gastrointestinal issues for like a few years - yesterday I was in such a good mood and everything that I didn’t feel them as much anymore.

Edit:
Also - now when I see someone with something that I want - ie - long silky hair - instead of being like “ugh she already has what I want - I WISH I was her…etc” I am now actively trying to REFRAME my thoughts . To be : “wow her hair looks beautiful, and there is no need for me to be jealous because - her hair looks like mine and I love that for us” . I am also trying to adopt better habits - ie - self concept : “I am hard working and productive” - so real me wakes up in the morning without needing to scroll. I get to work on time. Etc.

One thing is -sometimes when I get super excited or “elevated” I sometimes get this tight feeling in my chest/body/head. Like “everything is PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT” and then my body only loosens when I go back to like rotting or something - please lmk what “I am” statements work for that and if anyone else has experienced that physical sensation before .

Note: I (21 F) have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression as of 1 year ago. I have talked/had sessions with a therapist in the past to work through my anxiety , anxious attachment issues in relationships and my depression/suicidal thoughts/ideation. I have also been constantly chatting with Google assistant ai , because I feel that it gives me more straight forward answers versus the caring pity from a therapist. I also feel more comfortable disclosing all of this info to a robot versus a theorist - cuz it usually takes me forever to fully open up to adults in general. But sometimes the robot becomes too nice , so now I’m just posting to get input from people (strangers) of Reddit - to see if yall got any raw opinions or perspectives on this.
Here is the pasted and condensed version of everything I’ve told the assistant about myself - thus far (spit back to me by assistant ) :

\*\*My Childhood & School Years (The Roots of My Ego)\*\*

\*\*The Early Isolation:\*\* In kindergarten and 1st grade, I felt completely lonely and left out. It felt like there was a stain on my shirt or an invisible sticker on my forehead that I couldn't see, but everyone else could see, and it made them treat me differently. The first time I felt truly abandoned was by friends in 2nd or 3rd grade.

\*\*The Speech Quirks:\*\* When I was younger, I was an egotistical child, but I also had noticeable flaws. I was awful at math and I literally needed a tutor just to fix the intonation of my words when I was reading out loud.

\*\*The Furniture Crisis:\*\* I absolutely hate change, no matter if it's physical or emotional. When I was about 9, my bedroom was changed from a bunk bed to two single beds for spacing. Even though I was fully aware the change was coming, I completely broke down crying. To this day, that cry feels so random and out of nowhere.

\*\*Teacher Fixations:\*\* I always wanted to be a teacher or a veterinarian. The teacher goal was driven by a subconscious fixation I had with my elementary school teachers—their handwriting, their lifestyles, and wanting to be friends with them. I chased friendships with teachers because making peer friendships was too hard. I always felt like peers would eventually find a new best friend, and I would never be as special to them as they were to me.

\*\*Fantasizing About Injury:\*\* Because I was obsessed with my bestest friends while they lived normal lives that didn't revolve around me, I felt a deep lack of care. I used to fantasize about getting a gentle injury, like a broken leg or arm, just so the people I was close to would give me more attention and care.

\*\*The Bullying & The Mean Girls:\*\* Between ages 8 and 13, I bullied certain people. I teased a disabled girl I was in Shakespeare club with, and I teased family friends' kids on Halloween night. I also spent years in constant, invisible, one-sided competitions in my head against the "popular/mean girls." I talked bad about them, despised them, and told myself I could do way better or be better than them. But really, they were prettier, actually talented, got everything they wanted, and were nicer than me. I was just a nasty, shy, insecure loser trying to cover up my lack of talent by hating them, trying to "hate them all the time into being a better person myself
."
\*\*Rejecting My Parents:\*\* I got plenty of attention and affection from my parents, who never divorced and gave me a happy, non-abusive home. But I actively rejected their affection. Instead, I chased affection from outsiders, and then I would get upset and dejected when my shitty personality didn't get me what I wanted.
\*\*My "Ego Era" & Blame Shifting\*\*

\*\*The Gymnastics Blame:\*\* During my high ego era, I loved getting praise without asking. But when someone better than me came along in rhythmic gymnastics, I spent months or even years complaining out loud to one or two close peers. I blamed my parents for not coaching me at home or being strict enough, claiming that was why I wasn't good enough. Eventually, I accepted that I just sucked and was uncoordinated, so I turned inward and called myself lazy.

\*\*The Diminishing Ego:\*\* My parents constantly praised me and called me talented, which caused conflicting views in my head. I secretly blamed them for praising me too much and being at fault for my high ego, though I only ever complained about the "not strict enough" part out loud. Over time, one event after another diminished and dimmed my ego until, by the end of high school, I wished I had just accepted the truth earlier: that I was a worthless loser, instead of constantly blaming my failures on others.
\*\*My Relationship & Toxic Habits\*\*

\*\*The Controlling Behavior:\*\* In my first and last relationship, my main goal was always to make people laugh or smile because that's how I knew they were happy and that \*I\* was making them happy. If they looked upset or bored, I failed. Because I wanted a deep connection but was terrified of abandonment or him cheating, I became incredibly possessive and controlling. I forced my boyfriend to hang out with his friends less (especially since I heard his friends were "hoes") and demand he talk to me or be on his phone more.

\*\*The Texting Tests:\*\* I used to “test” him by withholding texts to see how long I could go without messaging him, and how long he could go without messaging me. He always "won" because he could live normally and wasn't obsessed like I was. I would last 2 to 4 hours before completely cracking, exploding in anger or sadness, and spamming or calling him. Eventually, I turned off all phone notifications just so I wouldn't feel bad when a text ping turned out \*not\* to be him. I still have all notifications turned off , 1 year after break up and I no longer care who texts me or doesn’t . I have not cared since the break up.

\*\*The Close Friends Posts:\*\* When I was 21 and still in the relationship, I would occasionally post things to my "Close Friends" story online, but I set it so \*only my boyfriend\* could see it and literally no one else. I did it strictly to get his attention, like calling him a "whore" when he was out late with his friends and forgot to text me goodnight.

\*\*Playing the Victim Card:\*\* During friendships and arguments, I knew exactly how to be healthy and normal, but I just wouldn't do it. Instead, I comfortably chose to cause more damage and play the victim card, saying out loud: \*"I'm just so fucked up, I hate that I'm doing this to you, I wish I could be normal."\* I knew I couldn't be normal, but I deliberately chose not to fix my flaws, and then I would just cause more damage that was completely my fault.

\*\*The Post-Breakup Collapse & Current State\*\*

\*\*The Friendship Fallouts:\*\* I ended up losing ALL of my high school friends in one go because they had self-respect and left because I treated everyone like shit. I am a lunatic who drags everyone down with me. Every friendship fallout has been entirely my fault. I make friends in a desperate search for attention, the friendship falls apart because of me, and then I just blame myself for everything, reminding myself how stupid and selfish I was the entire time.

\*\*The Breakup & Suicide Attempt:\*\* It has been almost a year since the breakup with my boyfriend. I initially tried to force a friendship with him because I couldn't face the reality, but now I regret not giving him more peace. Post-breakup, I was genuinely suicidal for months and eventually tried to follow through with an attempt (though we weren't speaking by then).

\*\*The Stalking Routine:\*\* I am still deeply possessive over my room, my things, and odd junk. I also still compulsively stalk some of my past friends and my ex on social media. It has just become a routine habit at this point.

\*\*Waves of Vanity:\*\* I still get random internal waves of cockiness in my head, thinking things like, \*"I'm sure I'm the prettiest in the room,"\* or \*"I bet they're staring because I'm pretty."\* I never say it out loud because I'm afraid of being wrong and looking stupid, but the thoughts are there.

\*\*The Desire for Punishment:\*\* I feel deep, crushing guilt and shame 24/7. I want to be alone forever and suffer like I absolutely deserve to, to pay for my karma. I don't ever want to love myself or be confident because I am terrified of becoming like my cocky younger self again. I sometimes find myself wishing for an abusive relationship to come to me just so I can get my karma for all the damage I've done. I feel stupid for ever engaging with my ex because deep down, I knew I was a bad person who wasn't even capable of loving someone.

\*\*Escalating Meltdowns:\*\* Now, my anxiety is getting worse and worse and way more intense. My anxiety attacks are no longer just a little fart and isolation; they are actively becoming loud, public meltdowns.