u/presmos

Before we start, I want to say, I’m very grateful for my results. Alhumdullilah, my family and everyone else is also, but I just don’t want to fall in the na shukra pan wala cycle, but I still want to validate my feelings and exist.

I got an A in Islamiyat and a B in Urdu First Language in these CAIEs.

Islamiyat:
B to A to A to A* (concluded O1 with an A)
A to B to A (concluded with a B in O2)
CAIEs: A

U to A to U to B (concluded with a C in O1)
D to B to B (concluded with a C in O2)
Ended up with a B in CAIEs

This was my school exam trajectory, from O1 till O2.

When I found out that some of my ex friends ended up with straight As/A*s whilst here I was, who ended up with this… I don’t know honestly.

Like good for them mA, but idk I just don’t want to be ungrateful, or cause resentment because alhumdullilah Allah gave them their desired but that Urdu A threshold was especially very crappy with A being at 87 and B at 80, and I haven’t gotten a hold of my scripts yet, but I swear to God if its only one or two marks for both subjects, I’ll lose it.

I know this comparison isn’t fair but those people were also balancing three subs. I’m not a academic star, I have failed a lot, I didn’t get a single A except that one in O2 in Islamiyat, rest B C D U

I don’t know 😭😭😭😭😭😭

ya Allah forgive me 💔

I weirdly want to leave. I want to leave from all social media and disappear and live a quiet life. But if I leave from everywhere, then how will I help people? Like is it possible to live without social media and that sort of validation?

Like I know I can do good, but these doubts come a lot every month.

Try and try, yet fail always.

When will the symphony rise?

When will I be able to taste absolute triumph or that my shortcomings will follow me for life?

Today was weird. Went to school after a couple of days, and I’m the only mofo from grade 11 there. Pura din waste except English k teen lectures consecutive and CS class

In english class, weirdly Ms raised my confidence and shi, hell she was like I was continuously asking your classmates if you were okay or not because you weren’t coming at all, I was worried about you and shit, you are one of my brighest students, and she obviously sees the anxieties that I carry, which I’d never wanna show, but still become apparent, but she shared this sher from Mian Muhammad Baksh (she said Bulleh Shah?!), and was like calm down, itll all be okay, just keep yourself busy so much that you don’t think about it.

“Mali da kaam pani dena, bhar bhar mashkaan pawaye, Malik da kam phal phol lana laway ya na laway”

I don’t know but she strangely made me feel seen, which especially after the events of yesterday, felt so much deeply, that I had to control myself not to cry.

Khair, made me practice a comprehension.

Baad mein in CS class, its an old teacher from the other branch who will be teaching us this year, and he was like, you are giving Oct/Nov? Have you covered Programming? Uhh no, not yet in my crash course. He was like na do, aap apna grade khrab kroge, aap withdraw krlo, aapne discuss nahi kiya?

Like bhai, I discussed with my family, sir Maaz, everyone was okay with it, but khair I listened to his dallaial and gave him a thumbs up I’d take his opinion under consideration. Though, I know I have 67 days until the actual CAIE, I know I can ace it since its just 2 chapters. Heavy and demanding? Yes. But impossible? Nah.

I’d win anyways insha’Allah

Khair, I hate my classmates for not telling me that they aren’t coming, like I slept at 4 and Ama woke me up at 6. So I was so drowsy asw. But khair ig. Aab Monday ko jana hai and then Tuesday is results.

So yeah, thats how today went ngl. Kinda got my mind off things that were killing me last night. Ngl, I’m sleep deprived but not crashing immediately so yay ig?

Anyways :)

TW!!!!! Suicide mentioned

My younger sister (F, 11) was messaging my mother with her issues and stuff, and my elder sister (F, 20) was going through her phone for some reason, and she opened up the chat between her and ammi, and as she was texting her so my ammi can see it in the morning, so ofc the blue ticks came on, and my younger sister confronted her on chat, because she was sharing her mental issues, and how she had tried to commit by stabbing her forearm with a fork a couple of days back

And my elder sister’s response when little sister confronted her for viewing the messages?

“Get over yourself”

She came to me crying and explaining everything. I was so petrified and full of anger… but still I remained calm, listened to her, hugged her, made her feel important and shit, and just sat with her…

Now I genuinely don’t know what to do with my elder sister, parents are of no use, even my mother didn’t arrange a therapist or anything, she just told my younger sister, to never do it again and made her promise (she had told her before all this whatsapp debacle)

My elder sister is cold, rude and of course she has her own issues, but to say this to a person who’s hurting…. Yeah, that’s a line, my own enemies may never cross.

What should I do ngl? Because right now I just want confront my elder sister but parents are asleep and she is chill af… like a stone cold person…

Please remember my little sister more in your duas people. I am suicidal a bit myself but I never express it with anyone except my really trusted people. Just please pray for her and help me with this elder sister situation.

yall which quran verse/ hadith/ saying warms your heart?

rn my heart is very tensed, legit on the verge of tears (ill rant later tonight)

pls do share them tho!

(16, M)

every two weeks, i get depressed really badly. badly to the extent that i cannot:
\- pray
\- study
\- eat
\- or do anything
\- sleep at odd hours

and just rot in bed. though ppl may think im pious but wallahi those reminders i send are the only way im hopeful if someone else is having a crappy day, their voice is heard.

i keep on getting lost with what i actually want from this world, to do what with my life to do engineering/ cs and build stuff or do psychology/ something related to medical sciences to have an impact

i strangely have the feeling to make an impact to be the shining light for others, but my bulb keeps on fusing due to pre existential pressure such as of studies, i have my results on 19th august and tho ive accepted my fate, then on 29th september, i have my caies again.

and my brain just weirdly rewinds to 2024, where o ya Allah, I was struggling, trying to stay on my deen but I was yours, yet here I am struggling so badly with depression and everything I don’t have the energy to do or say anything.

so much so ive deactivated all insta accs of mine aside from the one i send reminders from and left the whatsapp gcs.

im feeling way too unhappy and sad with myself and utterly lost and confused.

like ik im not normal, im weird af, i have a crooked smile, i make stuff, i am some ppls dream life

but at what cost?

sleeping at odd hours, unable to study for caies jo literally sar pe hain and don’t want to waste parents ki halal ki kamai.

I just miss Him bro.

i may not have a human friend but I really need His friendship. im just lost and alone. because there’s nobody in my dialer i can call up.

Almost about to tear up concluding this.

please remember this stranger in your duas, you genuinely dont know how much itd mean to me

jazak’Allah khair 💛

every two weeks, i get depressed really badly. badly to the extent that i cannot:
- pray
- study
- eat
- or do anything
- sleep at odd hours

and just rot in bed. though ppl may think im pious but wallahi those reminders i send are the only way im hopeful if someone else is having a crappy day, their voice is heard.

i keep on getting lost with what i actually want from this world, to do what with my life to do engineering/ cs and build stuff or do psychology/ something related to medical sciences to have an impact

i strangely have the feeling to make an impact to be the shining light for others, but my bulb keeps on fusing due to pre existential pressure such as of studies, i have my results on 19th august and tho ive accepted my fate, then on 29th september, i have my caies again.

and my brain just weirdly rewinds to 2024, where o ya Allah, I was struggling, trying to stay on my deen but I was yours, yet here I am struggling so badly with depression and everything I don’t have the energy to do or say anything.

so much so ive deactivated all insta accs of mine aside from the one i send reminders from and left the whatsapp gcs.

im feeling way too unhappy and sad with myself and utterly lost and confused.

like ik im not normal, im weird af, i have a crooked smile, i make stuff, i am some ppls dream life

but at what cost?

sleeping at odd hours, unable to study for caies jo literally sar pe hain and don’t want to waste parents ki halal ki kamai.

I just miss Him bro.

i may not have a human friend but I really need His friendship. im just lost and alone.

Almost about to tear up concluding this.

please remember this stranger in your duas, you genuinely dont know how much itd mean to me

jazak’Allah khair 💛

-pr

trying to stay halal in this world of hopelessness

I have never been in a relationship with the opposite gender in my life. Sure, have had friendships, talking etc but not a proper relationship and shi. Have seen my friends wagera go in and out of them all the time

If you want to talk about my environment, I’ve grown up in a relatively liberal/ free will environment where my parents didn’t discourage and stuff from opposite gender relationships or forced my sisters to cover their heads or travel alone, and I love them for that.

Over the years, (turning 17 this month), I’ve alhumdullilah gotten closer to my deen. Thanks to the Islamic school I go to, I have a much better relationship with Allah than my previous self had.

I have relatively stayed away from relationships, an incident did occur yes, where I was emotionally attached to an person, and it was really hard, but Allah got me out of it. Plus coupled with my experiences with just platonic relationships with girls, I hesitated a lot. Plus seeing some friends of mine comfortably in relationships, whilst I am over here mentally struggling because I genuinely don’t want to go for the haram. It reminds me of the verse in the Quran,

“Pure men are for pure women and wicked men are for wicked women”

Though I like someone, and would like to approach them in the halal prospect with the families involved, the difference in dynamics (psuedo liberal) to somewhat extreme, I’m afraid for that. Though I have the contact, but still, the sabr and the longing.

Plus being a yearner doesn’t help.

Maybe that’s why I want to get married young because I don’t want to be a playboy, rather be one’s and only one’s faithfully.

And my family wouldn’t allow for early marriage ig, because until I’m settled (uni +job etc), I cannot hold down.

So I just sit here utterly lost and confused.

Then along with this, for me, I cannot sit with the thought of ruining someone else’s akhirah, that weight is too heavy for my soul to bear.

I just want to get married young and be someone else’s in a pure way, and I don’t even have sexual desires honestly, I just want to have a best friend to hang out with, plan my life with, study with, have fun with and enjoy over all life with, in the down times at 3 am to fun times. I just yearn for halal, but seeing the state of this ummah, I get lost more and more into envying those enjoying haram.

Will all this struggle be worth it? To want someone halalfully to be there with each other?

And I don’t want to approach someone thru fake IDs or to go thru hoops just to get in contact with them by affectively luring them in like where’s the barakah in that?

so what can i genuinely do to hold myself down and try to keep myself pure for that one person?

I recently opened a new Instagram account for photography because my main one felt too heavy. Too many expectations, too many people who know me. I really want to post, I really do but I can't seem to trust myself to put stuff out there like this. I want to curate this as my journey, to keep media as a passion and a hobby, but I don't know why I feel so blocked about it.

This isn't the first time. I've created accounts three times before and always deleted them either out of fear or because it all felt like too much. Every time I start, I overthink, I compare, I convince myself it's not worth it, and I disappear. But I keep coming back, so clearly something in me wants this.

The username doesn't even make sense it's just an amalgam of letters I bashed together when I created the account. That's also why I'm not sharing it on my main account. I don't want to give up on my main, but I need somewhere with less pressure to figure things out.

I see photography as self-expression. A way to express who I am. But I keep getting myself into too many arenas writing, photography, other creative things and I end up not knowing where to go. I want to visually tell stories through the pictures I capture, but I keep asking myself: what does this even represent? Does it have to represent something? Everything feels symbolic and I'm overthinking so much.

I'm shooting with an Olympus E-PL2 and the 45-150mm Zuiko lens. I initially started with a 400D with a 35-105mm, 1984 lens however, I really want to make the most out of photography to visually tell stories and describe things but I don't even know where to start or how to stop getting in my own head.

How do you find your visual voice? How do you stop overthinking and just shoot? Any advice from people who've been here would mean a lot.

I have never been in a relationship with the opposite gender in my life. Sure, have had friendships, talking etc but not a proper relationship and shi. Have seen my friends wagera go in and out of them all the time

If you want to talk about my environment, I’ve grown up in a relatively liberal/ free will environment where my parents didn’t discourage and stuff from opposite gender relationships or forced my sisters to cover their heads or travel alone, and I love them for that.

Over the years, (turning 17 this month), I’ve alhumdullilah gotten closer to my deen. Thanks to the Islamic school I go to, I have a much better relationship with Allah than my previous self had.

I have relatively stayed away from relationships, an incident did occur yes, where I was emotionally attached to an person, and it was really hard, but Allah got me out of it. Plus coupled with my experiences with just platonic relationships with girls, I hesitated a lot. Plus seeing some friends of mine comfortably in relationships, whilst I am over here mentally struggling because I genuinely don’t want to go for the haram. It reminds me of the verse in the Quran,

“Pure men are for pure women and wicked men are for wicked women”

Though I like someone, and would like to approach them in the halal prospect with the families involved, the difference in dynamics (psuedo liberal) to somewhat extreme, I’m afraid for that. Though I have the contact, but still, the sabr and the longing.

Plus being a yearner doesn’t help.

Maybe that’s why I want to get married young because I don’t want to be a playboy, rather be one’s and only one’s faithfully.

And my family wouldn’t allow for early marriage ig, because until I’m settled (uni +job etc), I cannot hold down.

So I just sit here utterly lost and confused.

Then along with this, for me, I cannot sit with the thought of ruining someone else’s akhirah, that weight is too heavy for my soul to bear.

I just want to get married young and be someone else’s in a pure way, and I don’t even have sexual desires honestly, I just want to have a best friend to hang out with, plan my life with, study with, have fun with and enjoy over all life with, in the down times at 3 am to fun times. I just yearn for halal, but seeing the state of this ummah, I get lost more and more into envying those enjoying haram.

Will all this struggle be worth it? To want someone halalfully to be there with each other?

And I don’t want to approach someone thru fake IDs or to go thru hoops just to get in contact with them by affectively luring them in like where’s the barakah in that?

(And jinho ne mazak urana hai parhai pe dehan do, respectfully fuck off for god’s sake, I just want to exist without that pressure)

lowk its so hard in this gen to remain halal and not be involved. hell ik the bad things that come with rls and shi, and i hate that but seeing ppl… sigh. like bhai, cmon.

i dont want to approach someone because i dont want them to feel uncomfortable esp the opp gender in private, but seeing ppl mingling so freely and shi, it’s depressing af