u/reddit_throwaway_ac

Ill try to keep this simple, but it's hard to explain. This seems like such a stupid and vain thing but it is important to me. I feel like idrk what I want, or different parts of me want different things. Mostly I want to be completely removed from sexuality-its distressing to experience, and I definitely don't want anyone to see me in that way ever,, I want top surgery because boobs are at best, irrelevant but usually annoying and sometimes triggering. Because of these things, I wear relatively modest clothing, I don't wear shorts out of the house even. But another part of me wants to wear stuff like short skirts, tube tops,, and thinks of the boobs as like. A fashion accessory. Like boobs are pretty, and they can really make an outfit work nicely. It feels like it'd be a waste to cut them off, that stuffing a bra wouldnt be the same. And I think there might still be a part of me that feels like I owe ??? To be sexually available. Ig just in general?? But like. Idk. Idk how seperate or not these parts are. Do I make sense? Anyone else relate,, how do you navigate?

Cw alcoholism and suicidal kinda, shitty family situation

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I kinda just wanna binge drink until I completely screw myself over and my family realizes my problems are serious and not just a reason to constantly look down on me and dismiss me or whatever it is they're doing. Maybe it's just paranoia idfk. Like. I think most of them mean well. I'm def part of the problem. I think I make them uncomfortable. And I think I get paranoid and stuff and I wanna lash out. I did once, I feel really bad. I apologized, but I get it. But they're not really innocent either, obviously, or I'd be way less fucked up. Ughhhh. I don't make sense. I'm just mad at them and myself. Hedgehog dillema ig. But like. Developing alcoholism would only make it worse. I just wanna be saved. Like actually saved. Not just taken from one bad situation to another. Not just being told to deal with it myself then being shamed cuz I can't. It's probably cuz I have that cinderella fantasy, that I was hurt so much. It's so stupid. I'm angry too. If I can't be saved, and I can't do it myself, why can't I just drink myself out of this plane of existence? It's not fair.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I think deep down I hated it as a kid too, when I would fawn to appease them. I mean their whistling specifically. I always compartmentalized everything, especially as a kid. If I have to live with this person, I'll forget the bad things they did and allowed, still do, I'll forget that I don't like them. So my memory is very hard to navigate. I used to tell them I liked the whistling but I think I was thinking as I said it, that I wished they'd just stop. I didn't use to mind other people whistling. I used to whistle sometimes. But now it just makes me angry. I hate it so much. I have to play anything at all, very loud in my ears, to drown it out. I really hate whistling.

I basically only wear jeans. I don't feel comfortable wearing anything else really, but when I bike it causes soreness,, like.. the skin gets a bit raw on the thighs where it sits on the bike seat. Also while wearing a pad, it's even worse. It causes more of that sore rawness, but it also makes the seat feel.. harder? So it's kinda painful. Obviously I try to not ride bike while on my period, but sometimes it's necessary. I do not feel comfortable using any product except for pads.

Basically what is there. Usually it's not such an issue idk why right now... But it's been really hard to stay fed.

I only have herbal options-black, along with spices like green cardamom, cinnamon sticks, black pepper, brown sugar, vanilla, coffee, limes,,,, thats basically it. How would you go about it?

I'm not listing literally everything I have ofc, so if it's not here you can still recommend it I just don't have fruit tea options

Edit: I also have barley

I'm ngl I blocked out a lot of it cuz it was not fun and also having your job trigger mental illness is really embarrassing. But I think it was pretty akin to caged animal syndrome. Idk. Anyone else relate at all,, or just feel like working for Walmart made you sicker/exacerbated your disabilities more than other jobs? Not looking to make a lawsuit, I'm not stupid. Just comisserating.

Sorry if that's vague... But I saw a post online of someone from a baltic country making it, and it looked good. Maybe there's a few desserts that match those the description, idk. I wouldn't complain!

I was really tired while misting one of the walls, and forgot the door open ... Ack it could've been like... An hour? 2 or 3? I tried looking but no luck .. she'd just aten a day or two ago too.

I've tried posting to other places,,, but no reply/not allowed for unclear reasons. I do have relationships, though none speak the target language. With language, communication and connection are essential. However, it's not something I have the capacity for atm, creating new connections/relationships. Idk. Anyone else relate,, is there any advice? I do mean it, that I don't have that capacity atm. I'm working to access therapy but it's a whole thing.

Typically, when I get migraines, I get nausea that slowly builds for about 12 hours. It's horrible. And the minute I puke all my ailments are gone. How can I speed it up? ... I don't mean induce vomiting. I understand that is generally not recommended, I just wanna speed it up if possible.

This started when I was 19. I was dating someone who was plural, and I am dxed with bpd, I think. So maybe I was just subconsciously copying them, but idk... But, shortly before moving out, there were some times I'd feel .. that way. The most notable time, my abuser was berating me calling me stupid. Normally I'd only be annoyed, wait for them to finish. Maybe if it was more severe, have to shut down. But stupid, such a weak insult. Still, i had to hold back tears, just thinking "I'm not stupid" over and over.

After moving out, mostly at home I'd feel this way sometimes. This lightness, feeling like a happy kid, safe, seeking comfort from others. Wanting kid things when shopping, wanting to ask my friends for cuddles and hugs. Of course, those things are nice and I still want them, though the desire was much stronger in that state, and i'm averse to such vulnerability, it kinda disgusted me almost? When in that state, I'd get sleepy very quickly. And a common request was this one cartoon. There was annoyance if I wanted to keep watching my adult cartoons instead, as I'd often prioritize those over that one kiddie cartoon.

I did try to talk to that voice, I got a name, though out of doubt, thinking I was tricking myself, there was insistence and annoyance. It was very difficult, like talking through a very thick wall, or through a wind which swallows nearly all noise. I never really felt convinced I wasn't just tricking myself. Honestly, some part of me wishes I was plural, so that someone could take over my life so I could have a break from it. I know that's not how it is for all systems, and it's not as nice as it seems to me, I'm sure.

Since moving back with my family, I decided to suppress that, my voice is a lot more kiddie in that state, I'm more,, mushy in general, it's hard to mask and I don't wanna be teased. I even gave away my stuffed animals when moving back... Sometimes I used to ask that voice by name to bring sleep, and I would quickly fall asleep. I forget why I started thinking of all this again lately. I guess, when I'm with my young relatives I feel more like a kid trying to remember to be an adult, more than usual. And, it still works to fall asleep if I ask like that. Though maybe I just needed to decide to sleep, all these years. I hope I make sense.. idk why I'm sharing this honestly. I'm sure I'd be stuck in it couldn't be anything/I kinda wish it was.

Edit: there was another type, that was much less frequent. Just bossing me for being self neglectful. Saying just the one command over and over till I would concede. Usually, I would just debate myself or beat myself up for such bad choices. I'm not one for brevity, rather say many different things for one point .... If that's not clear. I didn't like it, it was annoying. I really don't remember more than that.

Edit two: another thing is my dissociation and compartmentalizing. Like, I chose my name but sometimes it feels as though it's a strangers name, that I'm lying to answer to it. Maybe it's that thing I have, when I get what I want I tend to reject it. And my face in the mirror is a thing pretending to be mine, though I've always had a weird anxiety with mirrors and try to avoid them these days. And since I was at least 7, if I didn't want to remember something, usually, if I felt it would get in the way of being normal or make it hard to live with that person, I would forget a specific memory. It took me ages to realize I was doing this, I kinda regret poking into that tbh. Though, I think these could very well be typical for traumatized singlets.

I've always been,, messy? Like. More explosive than implosive. I think it's why they could all look the other way when one of them hurt me. I was a little shit. Still am. I used to bite, pull hair, spit, steal their things, annoy them intentionally. When I was an adult, but younger, I forget what exactly.. but I was awful. I just exploded at everyone, it wasn't their fault I just felt,, something akin to betrayal? It's foggy. I apologized, the 3 who I feel do really love me forgave me, though I don't know why, or if they meant it. Id say that I'm blunt, I have no tact, no aversion to uncomfortable truths. I feel a relationship cannot be built upon such aversion. Maybe it's something about a white family structure, that the comfort of those with power, with status within the hierarchy, that comfort must be protected at all cost. Maybe they have their own things going on. But then, what, I don't? I think I have a superiority complex about my threshold for discomfort. It makes me indignant. Even when I try to be palatable, I make them uncomfortable. Afraid of me exploding again, I suppose. Or maybe I say uncomfortable things even when I try not to. I guess we just don't like each other. Honestly, I'd like to lean into it and yell at them. "How dare you judge me for being what I am, when I wouldn't be this if you'd treated me better as a child? If youd protected me instead of hurt me, or pretended it was only people not in this family who did that? If you'd cared enough to form a relationship with me? You think your one or two traumas was so bad? You think you'd be better than me if you went through something real like I did, if you had as few resources as I do? You think being around me is uncomfortable? That's all I know. How dare you?" That's what I want to tell them. Ik comparing trauma is really toxic and not based in reality, but it's how I feel. I'm mad that they're not being what I need, that they never were. It's really not their fault, they can't be what I need. I don't even know what I need, or if it's possible. I'm an ugly person I guess. But if I just make them uncomfortable, and their silent rejection only hurts, it's better to just stop trying, to just avoid them.