u/sievish

Hi everyone,

After a very long wind up process I finally had my first real EMDR session this past week.

Suffice it to say, I’m pretty stunned by how fast it really seemed to work. I’m a bit in disbelief honestly. I’m gaslighting myself a bit now too, like, oh, maybe my trauma wasn’t actually that bad then? 😮‍💨😅 but don’t worry I push that thought away aggressively haha.

Anyway— I’m wondering if you guys find that sometimes you have to do maintenance sessions for certain topics? I have OCD so historically it’s just been really hard for me to process stuff. I tend to reopen every wound over and over again compulsively. Since my first session, (granted only a few days ago) I feel a LOT stronger against these compulsions… actually I don’t really feel them at all regarding the specific things we worked through. I’m wondering if it might come back, or if I should expect to do follow up sessions for the specific issue we worked on? Is it really one-and-done for some stuff?

Side note: the past month I’ve also been meditating every day, and I’ve gotten a LOT better at mindfulness practice. So I’m sure that’s helping a lot too, but wanted to ask other people’s experiences.

Thank you! ❤️

hi everyone,

I got a lenovo Legion Pro 5 16IAX10 last October and I've been enjoying it for the most part.

recently, though, my wifi signal and my bluetooth signals on the laptop are just extremely bad. Right now I'm sitting 6 feet from my router and the wifi signal icon only has the lowest connection dot. I used to be able to use it with 3 walls separating it and the router. I have Sony MX5 headphones and I used to be able to walk around my whole apartment into other rooms and still be able to reliably listen to what I had playing on the laptop. Now, I get constant audio stuttering even sitting right in front of it.

it happened gradually at first and now suddenly almost overnight it's nearly unusable.

does anyone have some pointers about where I can look to solve this? I'm not as technologically savvy as I'd like to be so I'm not always sure exactly where to look, especially when so many things could be causing the issue. Is it strange that it seemed to degrade over time? it seems strange to me.

I got this laptop specifically so i could have some mobility around my apartment and get away from my work desktop. really frustrating.

Hope this is an OK sub to ask this— if not then I can delete.

I just took up bouldering and I’m really enjoying it. I live right near a gym and I’ve been going a couple times a week in the morning.

Today I found what feels like a knot or bump on my right a1 joint, right under the seam where my finger meets my hand. It’s not visible, and it doesn’t hurt, but the area feels a little tight and I can feel the little ball when I touch it. It’s really hard, too.

Does this have a name, so I can research it a bit better? I tried searching but everything comes back with painful injuries— this really isn’t painful but I don’t want to hurt myself if it’s a sign of an injury down the line or something.

How would I avoid it? I don’t think I’ve been going THAT hard but just this week I was trying to do much shallower holds than I’m used to and maybe i strained my finger?

Thanks!

hi everyone,

I switched to DDG when google started really prioritizing AI summary and not letting me opt out. I like that DDG gives me that option, as well as the option to remove AI images.

One thing that's driving me a bit nuts is how unreliable using quotation marks is (or at least, unreliable as I have been using them for over a decade). I use quotation marks on google to find specific strings of text. More often than not, DDG will come back with nothing when I use quotation marks, even if without quotation marks it brings up the exact text I was looking for. This is fine sometimes, but others, I really do want a specific sentence to be found so that it doesnt get mixed up with other search results.

here's an example from the other day: I had a song stuck in my head but I couldn't think of the name of the song, just one sentence of that song. so I wrote in the lyrics:

"your name on my cast and my notes on your stay"

no results

if i search without quotation marks, I get a bunch of results that have nothing to do with what I'm looking for. IMDB page for Your Name. (2016), Kimi no Na wa anime wikia. etc. -- this is pretty much the reason I use quotation marks of course. to weed out unrelated combinations of the words I'm searching.

I eventually remembered the song title by texting my a friend, lol, but then I wanted to do some experiments...

1: lyrics + "your name on my cast and my notes on your stay"

no results

2: lyrics + your name on my cast and my notes on your stay

results, but none of them are the Shins specific. All just homepages for lyrics databases.

3: "your name on my cast and my notes on your stay" lyrics

no results

4: "your name on my cast and my notes on your stay" + lyrics

ONE singular hit-- lyrics page for AZ Lyrics The Shins - The Past and Pending. Which is great, but why ONLY AZLyrics? why not literally any other lyrics websites? why does the + make a difference here, but still doesn't give more than one result?

5: "your name on my cast and my notes on your stay" the shins

three hits: AZlyrics, SongMeanings, and The Shins' The Past and Pending tour landing page. none others! not even Genius or youtube.

6: your name on my cast and my notes on your stay the shins

many pages of results available with this search that are specific to the Shins lyrics pages, great. Shouldn't query 5, with quotation marks, bring up the same exact results? since it's literally matching what the text says? it's literally bringing up pages and pages of the exact string of words, which I thought quotation marks were supposed to specify?

7: "your name on my cast and my notes on your stay" + the shins

same results as query 6-- lots of results. But different than query 5, which is exactly the same except for the +. Does the + really make that much of a difference? why?

I don't want to neg something I don't understand, so I want to try to understand. Is there a more reliable way to search for specific strings of text with DDG? and, just because I want to know how it works, why do such minor and seemingly insignificant changes to the query give such dramatically different results? I feel like if DDG has indexed AZLyrics, then searching a lyric in quotation marks should bring up those websites. I thought that's how it worked with google? why not with DDG?

I know it looks like I'm splitting hairs here!! but I appreciate any info/clarity you can give me.

thanks!

Hi everyone,
I was diagnosed with AA last month after finding a bald spot. Currently only the one, and I think the steroid injection is already working.

My scalp is pretty itchy, not constantly, but frequently, and even more at night lately. but that’s honestly always been the case, especially when I’m stressed. And just trying to avoid itching is making it harder to ignore. My whole life I’ve just itched away but now I feel like I have to be super super gentle. I’m scared if I itch then I’ll make the AA worse. I don’t have any dandruff or hives or redness though, just itch.

My derm suggested anti-histamines, but I also wanted to do a self-care spa routine and moisturize my scalp, obviously for the itchiness, but also as a way to wind down before bed and take care of myself, since both my derm & I believe the AA was triggered primary by the stress and trauma I’ve been dealing with for the past 2 years. Life has been really difficult for me since I left an abusive workplace (basically had to choose between abuse or being under employed, guess what my current big stressor is) and I haven’t been properly tending to myself. So I want to do that.

Are there any moisturizers or ingredients I should specifically avoid in a hair/scalp mask or overnight conditioner? I’ve found a lot of suggestions for things that help (I wish I could use rosemary oil but I have a cat who is always in my face and around my head at night), but not really things to avoid. I’ve always had super healthy hair and taken good care of it, I feel like I’m completely re-learning how to take care of myself and I just don’t want to make the situation any worse.

Thank you!

hi everyone,

been suffering from anxiety pretty much my entire life (35F). Lots of my early life anxiety and maladaptive coping mechanisms stemmed from having an emotionally immature / alcoholic parent who would swing dramatically between lovebombing, emotional meltdowns, and complete disinterest. I very much was not allowed to have my own feelings without it immediately being all about my parent, and was an extremely quiet kid who would give anything to just be completely invisible lol.

I've definitely realized that this is a core part of why I constantly feel on high-alert-- I am ALWAYS masking, EVEN WHEN IM ALONE. I'm definitely neurodivergent, which I only received diagnoses for within the last few years (pure-o OCD, mostly inattentive ADHD). I've been doing a lot of DBT & ACT therapy work recently, I've done about a year of CBT, and getting a whoooole lot out all of it, I feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have honestly, like, I don't really get as much social anxiety and I am good at calming myself down if I feel like I said something weird, I'm loads better at interrupting intrusive thoughts. But I still feel severely unable to un-mask at home, and it's really exhausting.

for example, I live alone, but my landlords live in a separate unit that's right above me. There is pretty good soundproofing, though it's not completely soundproof. I don't know how much they can hear me, but I'm constantly terrified that they can-- I'm pretty scared they're judging me, or secretly wishing I'd move out, or planning to evict me. it's not a COMPLETELY unfounded fear; they just asked me to do a month-to-month lease for "flexibility" but also assured me that they have no current plans to ask me to leave, they just want to keep their options open if their son decides to move back to our city from across the country (zero indication he will, btw, I think it's honestly/realistically just a mom missing her son and wishing he'd move back).

but it's really not just when they're home or clearly above me. I honestly just feel like I'm being perceived, or could be perceived at any moment, and constantly bracing for it. and I can't really do a google search for this, because it almost always brings me to paranoid personality disorder resources-- aka "I feel like I'm being watched" -- I think technically that is how i feel, but I know that no one is, and i dont think anyone is-- my body is just braced for it, as if I am. I don't have a delusion that some vague authority is watching me, but I guess the mere fact that I take up material space and make sounds makes me anxious because someone could hear/see me, or someone DOES hear/see me. Does that make sense to anyone else??

I guess I just really want to see if this resonates with anyone, and what you've done in the past to soothe it? pretty much the only thing that chills me out is getting high (edibles) and I'm trying to cut down. unlike a lot of people I don't have paranoid highs, for the most part it really just allows me to unmask/de-filter/enjoy myself. it honestly feels like a reprieve when im alone, at night, and high, like i can actually breathe. but I dont want this to be my default, i dont want to depend on weed for it anymore, because it also makes me quite lazy.

TL;DR --

1. do you feel like you can't un-mask even when you're alone, or do you feel anxious about being perceived while alone?

2. what would you call this to differentiate it from paranoid delusions, which I very specifically do NOT have, it's just a constant lowgrade anxiety about being seen/heard/perceived at all times. it feels like it's in my body and not my mind, if that makes sense. very bottom-up, not top-down.

3. Lastly, what self soothing strategies have worked for you? grounding exercises & mindfulness have done wonders for me in regards to living in the present (as opposed to spiraling about the future or wallowing in the past), but don't help me un-mask at all.

thanks! <3

hi everyone, I have a quick question.

working on an artbook for a client, and the artists within it all work at 72ppi resolution since it's concept art and they are not always considering print down the line.

it was my understanding that changing the resolution from 72 to 300 doesn't actually make the image crisper, and printing an image that you artificially changed in photoshop to be 300 from 72 might look clear on the screen, but will quite possibly print pixelated.

Am I completely wrong on this? One of the artists is getting frustrated with me, sent screenshots of him changing the resolution to 300 in Photoshop with the image being completely clear, saying "see? this will print absolutely fine, I changed the resolution and it's clear on the screen" and now I'm doubting what I thought I knew. I've worked in print for years but haven't worked with film concept artists before, so I have historically always been able to get the highest res images possible without needing to manipulate the resolution in Photoshop. Feeling quite foolish since he is quite insistent but I just always thought you can't add more pixels where there aren't more pixels.

scenario:

artist gives me artwork that is 4000 x 2000 pixels at 72ppi. When I place it in InDesign, the info panel tells me it's much below 300 effective ppi as I've laid it out.
i asked if he had a version at 300resolution, dimension 6600 x 3300 pixels.
he sent me a screenshot of the photoshop image panel having changed the dimensions to 6600 x 3300 and the resolution to 300ppi saying "see, the image is still clear"

thanks in advance!

Hi everyone,
35F, got a hair cut last week and my barber found a small bald spot a bit bigger than a dime. I can’t really tell if it’s gotten bigger or not, it’s in such a severely difficult place to photograph and even look at on the back&top of my head.

I have a derm appointment on Friday so I’m trying to stay calm until then. So far it doesn’t look irritated, red, damaged, nothing. Just a perfect little oval that could almost be mistaken for a cowlick. I’m not noticing any higher rates of shedding at all.

My head gets itchy when Im stressed and anxious (no dandruff or redness or scarring, I just get itchy on my head and sometimes all over my body, ha) and now that I know it’s there I can’t stop thinking about it, so of course I want to itch. Am I allowed to touch it? I know with scar tissue massaging the scar can help it heal faster. If I touch the spot will it make it worse, or is it harmless?

And I love playing with my own hair, is that ok to do? I’m scared that it’s fragile or something and I’ll make it worse. I’m also scared every time I feel an itch that I’m about to pull more out, but the rest of my hair really doesn’t seem to be loose or anything.

Thank you in advance.

hi everyone, currently going through what I can only describe as a severe identity crisis. I (35F) moved cross country for a job that seemed like the pinnacle of my career-- it was everything that I had been working hard for, it was the beginning of actually achieving a life long dream (working in AAA games, ha). and after really struggling with fearful avoidance and lots of relationship issues, I found someone that I really love there. It really felt like everything I wanted was happening.

but it kind of turned into a nightmare. the job ended up being terribly unhealthy for me; i was bullied by two of my directors, the work culture was really culty and there was absolutely no support for me as a contractor, I really tried everything I could. I left the job, thinking I could get a new one with that studio on my resume, but i gambled and left probably at the very worst time in games specifically. HUGE layoffs started like right after I left, they are at an all time high, and almost everyone in charge has AI brainrot, the skills that I have worked my entire life to develop have never been worth less as far as finding a job goes.

I was sad after leaving, but was getting back on my feet and the boyfriend (40M) who I had been working through a lot of trauma to be with dumped me out of the blue. It was genuinely so shocking. I fell in love with a very sweet and kind and loving person, but he was so cruel when he broke up with me-- "I know I said I supported you when you left the job, but actually I think it was really irresponsible and I don't want to have to take care of you." He also more or less revealed that he resented me for having sexual trauma and did not want to work with me through it despite the fact that I was making a lot of progress (and it's not like we were incompatible sexually, Id just have hangups sometimes, and I always worked through them, I dont understand how someone who seemed so empathetic could be so cold when it came to sex, it was confusing). He has since apologized and said he regretted saying those things but like. he said them. the wound is there. I keep bouncing between missing him (the person I thought I was with, who shared all my hobbies, who supported me and was my FRIEND) and hating his guts (the person who could say those things to me, who could be so selfish and mean). I hate that if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I'd probably take him back in a second.

I moved back home, so I'm not in LA anymore, which I think feels good? But all of my possessions feel like they belong to someone else (this is the strangest feeling in the world and what made me realize this isn't just heartbreak but an identity crisis). the things I used to enjoy feel tainted and ugly, but I miss them so much, too, I ache to love the things I used to love, but I can't do anything without crying. All the art I’ve amassed, all the collectibles, all the books, it all feels stupid and pointless, like for decades it's all been a lie.

it is a bit over a year since the break up, and almost a year since I moved back to the east coast. But it hurts like it happened yesterday, really, it hurts just as much, I cry almost every day honestly. I feel so lost and scared, and tired. I just always thought I'd be in a partnership with kids by now, I didn't know I could feel so much pain towards all the things I love (art, games, music, any kind of entertainment-- it just hurts whenever I try to do any of my old hobbies, it's so strange to not be able to do any of the things I love).

I put on a happy face and keep social plans between freelance work, which is hard but I do it. I am in a lot of therapy, I'm starting EMDR soon, and I am wrapping up a 3month DBT workgroup which has been invaluable. but I have a lot of days like today where I get really hopeless about the future. I work from home (freelancing fulltime) so I dont meet new people. I really love being home and relaxing, it just feels incompatible with trying to get back on my feet and feel things again, and again, i'm surrounded by THINGS that I know I love but I feel completely removed from them. I keep oscillating between "it's good to be home and do maintenance, so just let yourself enjoy it, the rest will come" and "you're running out of time GET BETTER NOW WHY AREN'T YOU OVER IT YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME"

trying to internalize everything I've learned in DBT and trust that this will pass. But I feel really scared. I'm having a very scared day, after a very scared week, and an overwhelming month.

TL;DR : my entire identity feels like it's been burnt to the ground and I can't enjoy the things I've always enjoyed. What got you through your identity crisis? did you ever return to your old hobbies, your old passions, or did you kind of reinvent yourself? are you OK on the other side of it? Im just realizing that I have been minimizing myself my entire life to fit in spaces that weren't made for me and now on the other side of being chewed up and spit out I just have no idea who I am, and it's confusing and lonely.

Hi there!!

I'm VERY new to CSS and relatively new to Obsidian. I know how to create snippets, but I'm having trouble with one specific thing I want to edit.

I'm trying to widen the gap between the bullet point/number in a list and the actual text of the list. I'm using Minimal theme!

things i've tried:

this code in a snippet:

/* UNORDERED LISTS */
ul{
  padding-left:10px;
}

/* ORDERED LISTS */
ol{
  padding-left:10px;
}

(didnt work)

I also tried messing around with Minimal Theme Settings (no option for this specifically) and Style Settings (only has a Nested List Indentation option)

I tried to find a community plugin but none of the list-based ones give control of this

This is what I have:

https://preview.redd.it/ydveaiyb3y6h1.png?width=172&format=png&auto=webp&s=ae97c134de4bc98d6bc62223a5fbadd780b41628

but this is what I want:

https://preview.redd.it/js9t9g6e3y6h1.png?width=162&format=png&auto=webp&s=4ba8cfc2d90eb7736dd9be74b2333b329ec1d579

this seems like it should be easy and maybe there's something really obvious I'm missing but I just haven't been able to find anything.

thank you in advance!

hi everyone,

I've searched for a solution to this but I havent been able to find exactly what I'm looking for. I'm pretty new to Obsidian and I'm not a programmer, but I can find my way around snippets and css with a bit of guidance especially with Obsidian's documentation.

I was previously using Notion and wanted to replicate a specific Notion visual that I like. I'd like to highlight/colorize an entire line-- specifically h1s - h4s.

this is how it currently looks in Obsidian when I use == to highlight

https://preview.redd.it/0jehgja5mw5h1.png?width=877&format=png&auto=webp&s=c285117c6c71ac4d0c4131e78448ccd085638465

but I'd like to be able to do this sort of thing:

https://preview.redd.it/orks6dxbmw5h1.png?width=1060&format=png&auto=webp&s=cc51a0ad3ad7991a75c0df50b6b728da3235afa0

and ideally I'd like to be able to choose the color on a case by case basis (like Notion allows), but I will settle for setting ALL h1s a specific color vault-wide.

info: i'm using the Minimal theme and I have fiddled with its various settings but wasn't able to do this. I see that there are other themes that seem to have this built in so I'm assuming it is possible but if there isn't an easy way for me to do it with Minimal maybe I'll find a different theme. Not sure-- I do really like Minimal and I spent a lot of time setting it up so that's why I think I'm hesitant to completely change themes! let me know if you have suggestions

thanks!

hey gang!

wondering if anyone else here has raynaud's syndrome and if you've struggled with vyvanse/stimulants making it a bit worse.

my hands have always been red and discolored but I'd say the only bad side effect ive had with vyvanse so far is that it makes my raynaud's worse :( my hands are much more red and blotchy than usual which says a lot.

I'm working on getting back into regular exercise which I think might help, but I was wondering if anyone here found something else that helped?

when I (35F) finally got diagnosed in 2025 at age 34 a lot of things came into focus. Just how heavy i feel everything, how hard things hit me, the burn out. the maladaptive coping mechanisms i'd developed for as long as I can remember. overall it was a very very validating and positive thing for me-- I have become so much more loving and accepting of myself, I am actively working extremely hard in therapy and setting myself up for success in the day to day because I have a name and finally a real understanding of how my brain works and how it's just different than what's expected. I finally feel like I'm not broken, I'm just built different, and there are things I can do to make everything easier for myself.

But... I'm just having a low day right now where I wish I didn't feel everything this hard. I wish my brain didn't feel like it holds onto every single bruise for as long as it does.

I had a traumatizing experience at a job and then a very traumatizing break up in quick succession last year and I just feel like I should be over it by now. My ex is over it, and so many people have been through what I went through at that job and I feel like I have internalized it in a way that is truly debilitating-- like, I am going through an identity crisis right now, and it irritates me that I am. I feel misunderstood and minimized when I talk about the things hurting me right now to neurotypical people who have been through similar situations. I hate that what was just "really bad" for some people becomes "trauma" for me. I have to keep reminding myself that trauma is subjective, there is no objective threshold that is met that Officially Causes Trauma. But I still feel embarrassed that a bad job and a break up have traumatized me.

I wish it had just been a shitty job and not "an experience that's made me question my entire identity as an artist and employee". and I wish it had just been "a break up" and not "the worst breakup & betrayal i've ever suffered". My ex was so flabbergasted when he realized I wasn't "over it" yet 7 months later. I'm still actively hurting like it happened yesterday. He was so cruel and dismissive and hurtful and his words just echo in my brain every single day.

Days like today I just want to be normal. I know everyone goes through this sort of thing and it's nothing unique to ADHD. but I feel like i have to work 10x harder just to be "OK". I have to put up all these structures and maintain them to just be "OK." and when I forget to do those things, or when Im depressed and can't keep up with those things, I just start to resent that I have to do them at all.

anyway, just needed to vent. I'll feel better in a little bit. overall like I said I'm so thankful for my diagnosis because it genuinely did make my life better to have that understanding. but today I just feel bad about myself and wish I was a different person.

Hi everyone! Felt like expressing/talking about/processing this and wanted to see if anyone else has ventured down this thought path, and what you think in general, how you self soothe about it, etc.

CONTENT WARNING, just in case: I am digging deeply into my own thought delusions&habits in this post and processing a lot of negative self talk triggers so just be aware!! ❤️

Been realizing more and more the past year or so that so much of my anxiety comes down to my own thought monitoring, ie, checking to make sure my thoughts are valid/moral/acceptable, even beyond what I knew was due to my OCD. Same with my behavior— I’m alone right now, no one is here to perceive me, but I compulsively check over and over again to make sure my thoughts and behaviors would be considered “acceptable” by anyone who might perceive them (my thoughts) or me (my actions).

(One funny/silly example of how this: lots of internet self soothing lists will mention “dancing by yourself” and the idea of that TERRIFIES ME. Being completely by myself where no one can perceive me, dancing and enjoying moving my body should be a net positive. But for me, I couldn’t possibly dance alone in my home for fear of being BAD at it or WEIRD or STUPID, like the universe will somehow know my unforgivable dance crimes and judge me for it).

In CBT a couple years ago I was able to recognize & accept that my thoughts can’t and will not ever affect the outside world (ie, I used to compulsively pull tarot cards, or police my thoughts to remain “positive” or else I’d be to blame for any pain or slight or injustice that happened to me, or harbor toxic feelings for someone in order to align the universe in such a way that that person would love me back). I still struggle with this one a little bit, years of being deep into “manifesting” which I LOGICALLY knew didn’t work but I would perform “just in case” is really stubborn.

But I think I’m turning a corner on the next layer of this by recognizing that thoughts quite literally aren’t real (discussed within the DBT skill group I’m currently in) and don’t exist anywhere besides in my own mind, where I am fully alone. It’s such a simple statement but I had a dumb galaxy brain blast when it clicked.

Last year I suffered a pretty difficult breakup and felt re-traumatized on multiple fronts, my OCD has really been flaring up constantly all year in ways I thought I’d gotten past. I’ve been working on actively recognizing that I am actually alone, but I mean that in a good way. I can have terrible thoughts about my ex and it literally doesn’t do anything to him, it doesn’t affect him, it doesn’t affect reality. This is kind of freeing honestly, like, I don’t have to keep thinking the same damaging thought over and over again, because it won’t hurt him or make him feel regret or agony for hurting me; there is quite literally no point except to continue to hurt myself. He’s not going to be afflicted by my angry revenge thoughts. I can release them.

It also means that worrying incessantly about not finding love does nothing as well. Sitting alone at home, actively thwarting my attempts to enjoy the things I love to do by myself between social engagements, because I’m worried that if I stop thinking about finding love for even a second, I will risk actually never finding it, because the universe is paying attention to that to make sure I want it badly enough (it’s not).

But in practicing this thought exercise I also realized that my ENTIRE LIFE I have been behaving and worrying as if other people somehow have access to my brain. And I don’t mean thought broadcasting, like, I do not believe specific people or people in general can read my thoughts literally. But my thoughts feel contaminated and people around me will be able to pick up on how evil I am because of these thoughts, or how LAZY I am because of these thoughts, or people will naturally dislike me because I just laid on the couch all day and didn’t do the things I needed to. Just a constant stream of berating myself partially because I’m convinced that that’s “morally correct”, that I “need” to berate myself, or people might think/pick up on the fact that I’m broken/evil/lazy/a liar/[insert terrible self abuse here].

When this FIRST clicked for me, I felt super liberated and excited. Like, giddy almost. But then after the dust settled, it sort of felt… lonely??? like feeling the compulsion to berate myself, feeling the compulsion to worry about what everyone must be thinking right now [about me, literally alone, doing nothing to harm anyone], but trying to dismiss it, and almost missing it as a companion. Feeling a bit empty and sad realizing I can just exist and live and I could have been doing that all along but for 35 years I over pushed myself in every area of my life for fear of the dreaded judgment of nobody.

I almost find myself thinking “is it ok to feel this way?” which is proof IMO that this is a compulsion and a reason to keep at it. Like, of course it’s ok. there is no one here judging, it affects nothing, I am not good OR bad for enjoying rest and trying to enjoy my own company.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I am just feeling a lot, a bit excited, but also eager to know how others may have lifted off from this point. Has anyone else had experience with this feeling? Specifically, feeling “not alone” in your mind as a way to police yourself but not as it’s described with “thought broadcasting” which I don’t think it counts as (if there is a more specific term please tell me!😭)

Have you noticed things about your own behavior or internal monologue that you never realized had to do with OCD, but now feel scared/nervous to let go of? I think my entire life I’ve thought that my abusive internal monologue was the only thing keeping me from devolving into a complete failure and now that I’m working on correcting that it feels so strange and uncomfortable to just trust that I will get things done. Like, I can trust myself to wash the dishes or vacuum without the first step of calling myself a disgusting failure in order to guilt myself into doing it.

Im glad im at least enjoying the analysis of it at all, it’s genuinely interesting to me, even as it’s a struggle.