u/somethinaestheticidk

today is “boyfriend’s day” and i’ve seen all the stories people have posted about their boyfriends and the dates they went on.

it just dawned upon me that i’m literally turning 20 this month, and have never been in a relationship.

it is painful, soul crushing even that all these fucking years, and still not one single person. what makes it worse is when i vent about it, people tell me shit like “it will come when you least expect it” or “you have plenty of time, you’re young”. these people don’t understand how much it hurts going this long without being touched, kissed, held or genuinely cared for.

believe me i have tried, over and over and over again. every time i shoot my shot, i get rejected. i HAVE gone out in public to meet people, i HAVE used dating apps, i HAVE tried approaching friends of a friend. i always try and try and fucking try but nothing ever happens.

it feels sort of agonising seeing people my exact age in relationships that i can’t even conceptualise for myself.
i am so lonely and it feels like i will NEVER find someone.

you’d think there’s something about my character that i haven’t fixed, causing me to stay single but that isn’t the case (though i wish it was, would’ve been easier to deal with)

i have done a lot of internal work and have genuinely improved a lot as a person as noted by the people close to me but i still can’t find my person, why?
why is it that other people find it so much easier than i do?

and the one time i thought i had found a guy? he led me on for 46 days. (yes i counted)

my first introduction to dating was being led on. which is why i still consider myself to have been single since birth because that was in no way shape or form a “relationship”

it’s gotten to a point where everytime i see a happy couple my heart races and i get incredibly sad, irritated and feel deeply depressed about my love life.

i don’t think i’ll ever be loved and my patience is running thin.

maybe, i’m one of those people who are destined to be alone (romantically speaking)

i’ve been getting back into drawing and i’m currently focusing on perfecting my art style and i wanted to draw a ton of characters from different media.

i tried drawing joker from persona 5 and thought it came out pretty good, however when drawing ryuji it looked incredibly off. i also wanted to avoid “same face syndrome” since my drawings have a very distinct way in which i design the eyes and face shape.

which techniques have helped you guys?

i recently purchased a legion go s z1e online and i’m planning on compiling all the media (startup movie, music, sound effects, etc) to add theme to steamos on the z1e.

i wanna give my z1e a “wii like” theme borrowing background music elements for different locations of the software.
similar to how the wii’s home menue, shop channel or photo channel had their own distinct soundtracks.

i also wanted to know how well custom boot animations work on the device.

so similar to the wii, i wanted to have places like the steam store or game library to have their own distinct track.

but yea just wanted to know if something like that would be possible through decky loader.

i’m only 19 and feel like i’ve been through hell.

i got bullied during middle. my high school days were terrible, i was super isolated and alone because i didn’t have many friends and when i tried to make friends they rarely made an effort to include me as one of their own.

on top of that i was suffering from anxiety, depression and adhd (diagnosed by my psychiatrist) my mental problems got so bad i had to take heavy doses of medication just so i wouldn’t…yknow. because of my mental health issues i didn’t get the highest grades in school and was often told i was “lazy” when all i did was try and try and try.

then, last year my mom was unfairly fired from her job. which sucked because she needed 2 sources of income to support me and my younger brother, incase you’re wondering the 2nd source of income is from event gigs but those gigs are incredibly inconsistent with payment so they could say “we’ll pay you in march” but they only pay in june…yea you can imagine. we’re routinely going through months and barely surviving.

it’s gotten so bad my mom had to sell my car i got for my 18th birthday (my car was sold in january this year) just to afford a few more months.

where’s my dad in all of this? he was a deadbeat my entire life, my mom had to do everything herself because he refused to pay child support. he passed away back in 2023. i wasn’t even sad about his death but rather because i missed out on a childhood where i could have had 2 happy parents and financial stability. yea i forgot to mention that even during my childhood my mom and my brother and i were constantly facing financial problems.

both my mom and i have been applying to jobs and unsurprisingly, nothing. the current job market fucking sucks.

what honestly convinced me to make this post was scrolling on instagram and seeing how my peers were living their best lives, travelling, going out to diner, going to the schools of their dreams, hanging out with friends etc

it just makes me so sad for myself because why can’t i have that? why can’t i have 2 parents? why did i have the spark in my life die out? why do i have to watch my mom suffer? why doesn’t my family have stability?

i feel like a bum for being 19 and not going to university nor having a job.

i’m just so fucking tired, it’s getting harder and harder to justify or convince myself to stay alive but it’s so damn hard. not even video games, which are my most favourite thing in the world, are enough to convince me to keep going.

it just feels like i’m waiting for my last breath.