u/thegreasiertheglizz

When I try to look this up I only find "how to deal with your bpd partner cheating". But this isnt my situation, one that is causing me like 11:59 doomsday clock, defcon 1, full runaway reactor meltdown, code red, bedlam, 10/10 pain. Like full maxed out mental and physical torture.

I am the one with bpd, and my partner cheated on me. NOT the other way around.

And holy fucking shit. My blood feels like its been replaced by lava. I have nightmares all the time. I fully zone out in "you shouldnt be fucking zoning out" situations. I OBSESS over this constantly and this happened in March. (Not even a week after my birthday)

Now I got a bunch of other diagnosis. (Adhd, ocd, cptsd) and I was like the clingiest guy ever. I would get frustrated at the amount of time between responses. Which made me mad because I knew it was completely reasonable but also a super heated feeling of hot pain would shoot through my chest and then id get a little delusional and id start acting stupid and regret it and I did this a shit ton.

Then idk one day I was fighting the urge as hard as I could. My brain was spoon feeding itself fears of cheating and stuff and id have to overwrite it because like, come on. I trust my partner, why would she be my partner if I couldnt. Then... a few days after she admitted what she did... and like... how will I EVER be able to "seize the reigns" ever again? I was trying to tell my brain "her cheating is silly, I love and trust her so i should act that way" only for that bad part of my brain TO BE RIGHT! Its wrong sooooo many times, but HOW CAN I EVER CONVINCE MYSELF ITS WRONG EVER AGAIN??

She promptly blocked me after... and holy fuck... I haven't been doing good.

First of all, I am being so foolish.

My whole life ive never been interested in casual stuff, I wanted to only ever get intimate with people I love. And after this I kind of... went off the deep end. I have had intimate experiences with people I barely know. I shot up from a body count of 1 to like 7. And I regret all of them, even the first one... because she cheated on me.

I am so uncomfortable with my own actions.

And aside from that, I am being quite unethical towards her. And I dont want to be, but my veins and organs feel like they get bloated with super heated steam unless I make an attempt to contact her, but she made it CLEAR she doesn't want to talk. But I want the torture to go away. So I make new accounts. I am harassing her.

But she doesn't respond, so i insult her and degrade her, that used to work, but not anymore.

I feel like im actually out of control, like Im spectating myself autonomously take drastic actions to make her acknowledge me. But its not worth it, I feel terrible, she probably feels worse, and im like playing Russian roulette every time because 3 months after she definitely has enough emails and texts and shit to start some kind of legal charge against me

In the end... my brain and organs are like OVERFLOWING with battery acid and hot molten lead and nails and glass its all pumping through me and I feel like doing WHAT IT TAKES to make her remember my existence is the only thing to make it go away. And also relations with women I dont know or dont love that I regret heavily are all stacking up on me and idk I know time will eventually allow me to heal, but rn I feel crazy and reckless and scary to specifically her and I don't like it. But I ALSO DONT LIKE THE EXTREME PHYSICAL MIND RENDING PAIN AND AGONY SHE PUT ME THROUGH. I literally feel like trust will never ever ever exist for me in a while ever again... so basically im in a lose/lose go fuck yourself situation.

Idk even really know what im asking anymore.

When I try to look this up I only find "how to deal with your bpd partner cheating". But this isnt my situation, one that is causing me like 11:59 doomsday clock, defcon 1, full runaway reactor meltdown, code red, bedlam, 10/10 pain. Like full maxed out mental and physical torture.

I am the one with bpd, and my partner cheated on me. NOT the other way around.

And holy fucking shit. My blood feels like its been replaced by lava. I have nightmares all the time. I fully zone out in "you shouldnt be fucking zoning out" situations. I OBSESS over this constantly and this happened in March. (Not even a week after my birthday)

Now I got a bunch of other diagnosis. (Adhd, ocd, cptsd) and I was like the clingiest guy ever. I would get frustrated at the amount of time between responses. Which made me mad because I knew it was completely reasonable but also a super heated feeling of hot pain would shoot through my chest and then id get a little delusional and id start acting stupid and regret it and I did this a shit ton.

Then idk one day I was fighting the urge as hard as I could. My brain was spoon feeding itself fears of cheating and stuff and id have to overwrite it because like, come on. I trust my partner, why would she be my partner if I couldnt. Then... a few days after she admitted what she did... and like... how will I EVER be able to "seize the reigns" ever again? I was trying to tell my brain "her cheating is silly, I love and trust her so i should act that way" only for that bad part of my brain TO BE RIGHT! Its wrong sooooo many times, but HOW CAN I EVER CONVINCE MYSELF ITS WRONG EVER AGAIN??

She promptly blocked me after... and holy fuck... I haven't been doing good.

First of all, I am being so foolish.

My whole life ive never been interested in casual stuff, I wanted to only ever get intimate with people I love. And after this I kind of... went off the deep end. I have had intimate experiences with people I barely know. I shot up from a body count of 1 to like 7. And I regret all of them, even the first one... because she cheated on me.

I am so uncomfortable with my own actions.

And aside from that, I am being quite unethical towards her. And I dont want to be, but my veins and organs feel like they get bloated with super heated steam unless I make an attempt to contact her, but she made it CLEAR she doesn't want to talk. But I want the torture to go away. So I make new accounts. I am harassing her.

But she doesn't respond, so i insult her and degrade her, that used to work, but not anymore.

I feel like im actually out of control, like Im spectating myself autonomously take drastic actions to make her acknowledge me. But its not worth it, I feel terrible, she probably feels worse, and im like playing Russian roulette every time because 3 months after she definitely has enough emails and texts and shit to start some kind of legal charge against me

In the end... my brain and organs are like OVERFLOWING with battery acid and hot molten lead and nails and glass its all pumping through me and I feel like doing WHAT IT TAKES to make her remember my existence is the only thing to make it go away. And also relations with women I dont know or dont love that I regret heavily are all stacking up on me and idk I know time will eventually allow me to heal, but rn I feel crazy and reckless and scary to specifically her and I don't like it. But I ALSO DONT LIKE THE EXTREME PHYSICAL MIND RENDING PAIN AND AGONY SHE PUT ME THROUGH. I literally feel like trust will never ever ever exist for me in a while ever again... so basically im in a lose/lose go fuck yourself situation.

Idk even really know what im asking anymore.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and CPTSD, medicated for ADHD, and I highly suspect theres a bpd floating around in there too.

Usually I manage, I doesnt feel so bad, especially after getting Adderall for adhd my productivity shot to the moon. And thats good! Usually I like my life and who I am.

But now, and for the last few months have been awful. I was cheated on, broken up with, then fully cut off in that order. I feel crazy, I feel majorly depressed, I feel hopeless and I feel helpless. I have developed a nasty skin picking issue, and I am doing crazy things I hate before, after, and while im doing it.

Now ive been in therapy, I started it almost immediately after the event and went to four sessions... i quit after because I felt like it wasnt helping, it was just talking. I didnt do anything but talk and it didnt change anything. I dont know what will

But onto the crazy stuff (where I feel the bpd comes in)

I have been acting in ways I hate! It feels crazy! Why am I doing these things!

I am harassing my ex, I am making new accounts all the time, I beg for her back, then I insult her, then I threaten het, back to begging... over and over. I have faked an attempt to get her ro talk (I didnt actually do anything) so I am brazenly being manipulative, and also on top of what im doing to her... other women around me, i am somehow getting into sexual scenarios with them (which makes me uncomfortable, but im doing it, its not their fault) and then ghosting after... all of which I explicitly hate and would cut another man i knew out of my life for doing 1 let alone board whiping. And I feel like (probably objectively am) a genuine piece of shit. When the idea of any of these actions pops up in my head I tell myself that I dont like that idea, its harmful and I dont want to be harmful... but then I do it, and while i do it, I say to myself this wont accomplished what I hope it will and it makes me a bad person, then after I feel (rightfully) like a shitbag.

And when I say threaten, I do not mean physically. I havent threatened her physically. I am happy I have held myself to at least that boundary. But I would threaten to tell her family she cheated and tell her job and college (like they give a fuck)

I feel like I cant let go, no matter how fucking hard I try I cannot do it. I am of course heart broken and devastated at the whole event. Idk why I even want her back so bad when she cheated on me then dumped me.

Ive spent the last week basically blowing all my money on tcg collecting, trying to start a hobby or something to keep myself distracted and then laying in bed and not moving or eating. I went from 230lb down to 180lb just from... doing nothing.

I am spiraling out of control

We've been in a less serious relationship for about a year at this point. We've always had this problem where she communicates very sparsely over texts and im like the complete opposite, unfortunately I usually get pretty upset when I feel ignored even though my better logic knows that shes just busy or with friends or just enjoying alone time. Recently we went all the way, which to me was us making the relationship way more serious. Then shortly after that she became extremely distant and now im screwing up all the time. Everything im doing is crossing a boundary, including asking her to discuss her boundaries. I feel pretty trapped, I dont know what to do to please her in this situation if all I do is cross boundaries.

Tl;dr: I keep getting scolded for crossing boundaries I dont know exist