u/thestruggler46

I seriously can’t stop ruminating on my past. First of all, when I was in high school my hormones were high and I’m pretty sure I stared at girls longer than what is normally acceptable. I’m afraid that I might have stared at underclass men without knowing they were underclassmen. I also did a lot of people watching. I basically have a staring problem and I’m afraid I was caught on video by students and that I will be exposed as a creep. I can’t stop I can’t stop I can’t stop I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s hurting me so FUCKING MUCH!

I seriously can’t stop ruminating on my past. First of all, when I was in high school my hormones were high and I’m pretty sure I stared at girls longer than what is normally acceptable. I’m afraid that I might have stared at underclass men without knowing they were underclassmen. I also did a lot of people watching. I basically have a staring problem and I’m afraid I was caught on video by students and that I will be exposed as a creep. I can’t stop I can’t stop I can’t stop I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s hurting me so FUCKING MUCH!

Let me get this out of the way first: I am by no means a good person. I threw a good friend under the bus, I’m selfish, I was a pervert by staring at the privates of girls back in high school and I did that a bit in my first year of college as well. In college I developed a crush on a girl and instead of going up to talk to her I would wait after class and leave at the same time as she did in hopes that she noticed me and in hopes that I could muster some strength to ask her out. My social anxiety and cowardice made it look like I was following her. I would also stare at her in the beginning of each class session. I’m not sure if she caught me in her peripheral though. I was never confronted by her and she remained in her same seat. I’m afraid I traumatized her and she recorded me and I will be exposed by her. Same could be saif for the girls in my high school.

I’m also a jobless and untalented fuck. I sleep all day and I can’t find a job, I’ve applied to many jobs and called them but I can’t seem to get an interview. I’m not good at anything, everyone keeps surpassing me and moving forward while I’m stuck on the past. My body is extremely underdeveloped for a 19 year old male. I am not satisfied with my private area at all. Everytime someome touches me I believe it has sexual implications, which might because I was sexually assaulted by my stupid fucking classmate in elementary school.

Seriously I think it’s time I die, there’s not a lot going on for me. I’ve been constantly reminded of my mistakes and what I’ve done wrong. I am an unlovable, irredeemable piece of shit and I hate this world.

You’ve probably seen me on this subreddit a lot recently. It’s clear that I have a lot of issues, especially regarding my past. I want to do better, I want to be someone and make a difference, but I have so much baggage on me. I think I’m turning into an incel, almost every female I’ve met has hurt me in some way. I do have a couple of women in my life that are keeping me from going full blown loser mode though. I had a troubled past and was sexually assaulted by my female peer in elementary school multiple times. I hate my life, I have so much in my past and I’ve made so many mistakes that I fear could come back and destroy me at any moment. I could be working on myself when suddenly someone comes out reveals that I hurt them somehow. My paranoia is constant and I have no rest. I’m seeing a therapist every week, but I wish I could contact them whenever I want. I hate this so much, I’m such a loser. I see the hypocrisy in oeople and it makes me hate them. I just want to have peace. I never meant to hurt anyone, I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong.

My paranoia revolves around my mistakes from high school coming back to haunt me. The things I know I did wrong like stare at girls lustfully, pushing boundaries and being really weird with a lot of people. I graduated about a year ago and no one has ever confronted me on this stuff for some reason. My paranoia isn’t allowing me to work at my best physically and mentally. I’m not sure how to stop this, I’ve tried to ignore the thoughts and not think about them, but I heard that it still affects me physically and mentally. I’m also worried that I may have said weird things to people like weird edgy jokes or insensitive stuff to my friends and girls through messages.

Paranoia about being recorded and posted online, being exposed, fear that cat was replaced at pet hospital, fear of being watched and brain fog? What are these a symptom of?

My type of partner is someone who is whimsical/bubbly and silly. Some would say childlike personality. This is the energy I look for in partner. However, I have recently learned that this is pedophilic. Is this true and should I seek out therapy? I’m in no way attracted to children and would never act maliciously towards them. So I’m a bit confused on what a pedophile is. Is there something wrong with me?

Why are people so despicable? I understand we make mistakes but it seems like no one tries to learn from them or change. Recently I’ve realized my mistakes and immediately after learning about them I made a complete 180. Of course I fall sometimes, but not as bad as I used to. Why can’t people try to be better human beings? I’m so tired of everyone, I can’t find one, not one person who is actively working towards being a better human being. To be honest I’m losing my empathy towards people, I really don’t give a shit about them anymore. I only care about animals and children now, but even then I’ve been the victim of crimes against my person by my peers when I was a kid. I’m so tired please help me

I used to stare a lot at girls when I was in high school

I feel like a creep, I’m extremely guilty of being a creep actually. I didn’t mean to hurt them and now I’m afraid they may have recorded me looking at them and they’re going to expose me as a predator or creep. I’m also afraid that I might have looked at some girl that was below my grade level without me knowing. What do I do and how can I prepare just in case?

I’m now 19 years old

I feel like a creep, I’m extremely guilty of being a creep actually. I didn’t mean to hurt them and now I’m afraid they may have recorded me looking at them and they’re going to expose me as a predator or creep. I’m also afraid that I might have looked at some girl that was below my grade level without me knowing. What do I do and how can I prepare just in case?