u/wifkkyhoe

i initially thought that staying neutral has always been a need, to be a mediator or peacemaker, i always wanted to hear everyone out, and let them know i dont take sides. at first, as a teenager , this worked, this mediated conflicts i wished to avoid as much as possible, it allowed everyone i care about to stay friends. i have never had any strong personal feelings and was mostly rationalising everything.

but as i grew older, i realised, maybe i didnt mediated anything, and only prolonged a friendship that was bound to fall anyways. i'm always nice to anyone, even bad ppl, even those that hurt me, but also those who have hurt my friends. i cant help that, i want to be friendly to everyone, not for them to necessarily like me, but i think being friendly to everyone is idk, a need? but that's being fake and disloyal, and i failed to see that. i realised, maybe i did let personal feelings get in the way, my need to avoid conflicts hv interfered into the relationships around me, and despite no matter how hard ive tried to confront it, i always evaded it in diff ways , i was in my own bubble of happy friendship, when in reality, it wasnt the case and i failed to actually see the needs of my friends whom i claim to 'care' . i always struggled with caring abt people, so when i was subconsciously throwing myself in this 'mediator' role, it gave a semblance that i was hearing people out and helping them, but i probably wasnt and i truly cant care bout people enough. (emotional permanence)

my ex-best-friend told me off saying neutrality is complicity, and well i rationally agree, but i dont kno what's blocking me from emotionally understanding that, and righting my wrongs. im stuck, and not even rationalising is helping

idk why, i cant care enough abt others, even if a loved one randomly stop talking to me, or i havent seen them for some time, i dont care, if they end things with me, i cant be bothered to argue, ask why, apologise, i hate when i have to do that, and ive always forced myself to do that , to acknowledge my mistakes, or to call truce in times of conflicts, but truly, i get really uncomfortable having to confront it, and i only force myself to for the sake of peace.

i know rationally what's going on, but mentally or emotionally, i canr comprehend, i mean, being neutral is my entire worldview and value i must deconstruct, and well i understand, picking no sides is technically still picking a side, i understand even if it's not my intention i still hurt . i am loyal to none so no one is loyal to me, i shouldnt be surprised, and truthfully, i moved on really quick from that, it took some time to adjust not talking to anyone for awhile. but i digress, i need to know why i am like this, i agree it is my flaw. but how do i deconstruct myself , how do i do better? i thought all this time i never let my feelings get in the way, but i did let my feelings get in the way, i just never noticed it.

working literally makes me suicidal, ive had 2 stress dreams in the past week ever since i got employed. is my body telling me to quit or sum.

sigh i need money. but it makes me so fucked up. even tho the job itself isnt bad, the pay is good (for me) am i rlly gonna waste such an opportunity js cuz i have a stress tolerance of a peanut

any job bro i js cant work i get so suicidal my mood swings r crazy

i was unemployed for ~7 months bc it got so bad during my prev job, now im employed again and everyday i have to confront my suicidal thoughts which has become worse evn tho the job itself isnt bad

i have mdd and pdd
plus im also on period rn so eveything is just ass

idk how to continue living if im gonna belike this

idk if this is the right sub since r/piercing said it's for piercing enthusiasts and whatevr

but does anyone know how exactly i can get into piercing courses or apprenticeship?

i cant find places that offers courses (near me), and i've seen ppl online say that u can just go to any piercing studio 'build a rapport with the piercer and ask if they offer apprenticeship', but how do u do tht exactly..?? plus im not looking to get piercing anytime soon (im currently broke and my parents hates piercings and i rather save up the money to pay for the course since i think a lot do require fees), i wanna see if i could do a piercing course in my city first bc im moving to another state next year and will be looking for jobs, and was looking into being a piercer as a long term job (?).. but also most piercing studios ive seen also do tattoos.. and im not so good at drawing so uhh idk if they'll want me. idk, i like piercings and tattoos, i can see me piercing professionally bt idk abt tattoing.

i live in southeast asia btw so there's not much places, esp in my state. there's a lot of piercing/tattoo studios in the state im movin too tho, i could js pick up from there, but yk im unemployed rn and there's still 6 months till i move out so i thought i could potentially pick it up and learn now.

also ive seen online courses but idk how that'll work errmrmrm. any bit of advice is appreciated

it makes it so hard for me to js exist.. ive been doing nothing at home for like half a year now and i literally dont know what to do, i dropped out of secondary so there's limited opportunities for me, im unemployed, im unskilled stupid and talentless, im mentally ill, im neurodivergent and i failed kpp1 and havent redone it bc i forgot everything and i cant study i cant remember anything i cant even remember what day it is or what time i wake up or go to sleep anymore. what do i do with my life. nbdgaf abt me. nbd cares. there's no use, no help, and no space for someone like me

anyone here got steam deck? i lowk want one bc it's convenient, i dont have a laptop but i rlly want to get a gaming laptop to play games, but i found out ab the existence of steam deck and it's rlly cool. considering i dont have a desk, and it's portable so it seems very attractive.

how's yall experience with it so far ? pros and cons? where did u get and which one? i saw there's diff types like rog ally n lenovo legion go .. and obv steam deck. idrk much abt tech or specs or emulating so tbh im literally just a noob here, even laptop idrk shit, also is there anything extras i need to get for steamdeck , idk to elevate the experience?

so i also wonder which is more suitable for me as a complete noob without real gaing experience (i have played pc games before just occasionally in pc cafes, also played xbox before but tbh i couldnt get used to any of the controls since i dont own any of them so i cant practice)

idk if this is the right sub .. but
this person i know isnt diagnosed with any psychotic-related disorders. But i highly suspect they have symptoms of delusional disorder and i have no idea how to let them know it's not actually real, in a way that doesnt like make them feel more isolated or triggered bc i dont believe them?

more context of said person:
24M - online friend, we live in neighbouring countries and so far hasnt met one another yet

he talked about being watched by the government and by godly entities/spirits (even tho he's atheist). he believed that the 'feds' are spying on him bc he might have some secret powers, he says he even gets 'signs' of it like on the internet and even celebrities n real life like when he got bitten by insect multiple times, he kept saying it all kept pointing towards the fact he's being spied on. and i can say it's been going on for at least a month (but idk how long it has actually been going for him)

(also 'feds' is an american thing, which we are no where near the americas at all)

he also recently dropped out of university bc of ostracisation and bullying, he said he was caught in this one fake gossip rumour and then was p much ostracised since then, he also says that even his professors hated him and kept lying to him.

he does has a bit of a persecutory mentality as he thinks that lots of minor inconveniences is 'the universe' making life more difficult for him and that he cant do anything good and that he is 'marked' to be cursed (he has a birthmark)

i never clocked it when he said any of this i thought it was bc of depression/anxiety and being bullied/ostracised, only until he said that he's being spied on which i was like,, a bit of a question mark, then he elaborated how and im like.. ouh.. this dont sound good gng

but no hallucinations, so far (reported by him), didnt notice any disorganised thinking or behaviour.

not much difference in how he normally is, talk or anything, we still play games tgt . i dont notice much in terms of negative symptoms n none reported so far on his personal end.

i think he has adhd too but idk, he's not diagnosed w it yet and he didnt rlly know much abt it until i talked abt my adhd.

i tried to rationalise with him about it being delusions (in a lighthearted way, i didnt wanna trigger anything or make him feel more bad abt it) but it didnt seem to work (no surprise) he rlly firmly believes.

also he doesnt do drugs or take any sort of meds so it's definitely not substance induced. i rlly highly suspect it to be delusional disorder though im not a psych student or professional (i js have a hyperfix on it)

but then again, how do i tell him to seek a professional if he doesnt think anything is wrong?

stumbled upon this sub and im surprised to hear other ppl have similar recurring dreams, of malls. why is it always malls ???

i had recurring dreams and it's always being chased in malls (with few exceptions of location setting) but nevertheless, i had countless dreams, in malls, and i always get chased by something invisible.

idek what to tell psychiatrist anymore. like what the hell do i even say or begin how do yall even talk abt ur problems . i seriously dk bc im unemotional and cant be vulnerable . i ended up ghosting my psychiatrist after i got diagnosed w adhd n depression. ik there's much more but idek what to say anymore. my prev sessions literaly js last 15-30 mins and das all.

plus psychologist is expensive so like idek what to say to that highkey + assessment expensive also

i literally dont even ask for anything except talking, not even about any mental health topics, just my interests, i just want to talk yet nobody lets me bc nbd around me gaf abt my interests. not even my family. i didnt ask them to help me, i know they cant n they highkey cant be bothered. idgaf abt that. ive known tht. but not even simple topics?? i cant even talk abt anything?? not even shows m watching or games im playing?? i really wonder what's the purpose of parents havifn children if they arent gonna act like parents to their children.

like do u like to just pay for a stranger to live in ur house?? im no better off than a stranger. what EVEN is the purpose of having a family when u guys cant even be a proper family. and then complain abt ur kids not caring about the parents. should i just give up?? is if my fault for caring and actually seeing yall as my parents?? i knew i cant expect much but wow

i have an array of abnormal sleep issues and behaviours that has been happening consistently albeit cycling through different ones now and then, ever since i could remember. i have few disorders that does carry symptoms of having issues with sleep, but idk.

ive never rlly investigated the causes bc it's so normal to me that i forget it's .. actually rlly weird.

has anyone been formally diagnosed or have been assessed for sleep disorders / parasomnias? i wonder if i should , but i dont know how or where to start or even how much it'll cost. plus i dont think it's an severe impairment to me, i dont have night terrors or nightmares, ive only had a long history of other sleep problems but not so much right now.. i think..

history from the earliest to latest

sleep bruxism (stopped)
restless leg syndrome (stopped)
circadian rhythm disorder (consistently present)
hypnogogic hallucinations (and hypnogogic jerk) (stopped)
exploding head syndrome (stopped)
i guess maybe mild subacute nightmare disorders too (stopped as well)

misc: punching/kicking/slapping while asleep, 'waking up'/opening eyes, even talking and replying whoever's talking to me even going as far as arguing/shouting while still being asleep (mostly during my schooldays), nocturnal lagophtalmos (eyes open while sleeping) (since childhood / occasionally present)

not sure but i (kinda) had excessive daytime sleepiness when i was in school, i'd sleep in every class involuntarily, though i kinda have circadian rhythm disorder but this happened even when i had adequate sleep, i can also sleep anywhere anytime except when im in my bed, once i slept standing up, even hitting my head in a bumpy car ride or with a lot of noise i'd still sleep through it.
i cycle through not sleeping for days to sleeping for 10+ hours a day, my body clock is always irregular and never consistent, typically im between delayed sleep-wake phase and non-24 hour sleep-wake , ive also experienced irregular sleep-wake rhythm here and there.

i have diagnosed adhd and depression, but i suspect autism and cptsd , also suspect the depression i have is both pdd + mdd . was never rlly assessed cuz im broke asf

im 19, dropped out of secondary at year 10, or 16 yrs old. i have pretty bad adhd and depression and possibly autism. meds lowkey dont really help me instead make me more anxious and suic1dal, it's a temporary fix sure but it doesnt rlly make my situation any better.

i havent been employed for 7 months or so, so basically im doing nothing rn. idk what to do, and if im being honest ive always been struggling like this since primary. it really just got worse bc i wasnt able to adjust to the conventional educational structure and when i slowly had more free reign over my life i kinda js let it waste. i also have a chronic inability to envision the future, if anyone asks me what's my future plans, it's completely blank. i have no aspirations, ambitions, motivations, desire, passion or talents. im incredibly inept. it's either i somehow flip my life over in the next year or i end up 6 feet under. i have no desire to live if it was up to me. i only continue bc of the people around me.

b4 anyone asks why dont i go to my parents, uh well they're more of the type to nag or worry than help in any sort of way. i rather do it myself bc i cant rely on anyone in my family, also cuz half of my family doesnt know i dropped out.. they literally just never noticed or cared enough abt what i do. i rather keep it under wraps.

first and foremost i need to save up money before going back into studying, which i dont know if i can guarantee my full attention to bc my 'ability' to learn is extremely unconventional, so it's hard to follow typical learning structures, i used to only be able get good marks bc i wanted validation from selected teachers, once the teachers change, i couldnt do good in that subject anymore. i guess part of the problem is that i never received help for my adhd as a kid which exacerbated into my current problem of never developing self discipline, i only got diagnosed last year.
now that i know, and have an awareness of what my issues are, i dont know how to progress forward into becoming better / changing, i signed in on free online counselling but i dont rlly see it exactly helping that much, it's only just an outlet to talk abt this sort of things tbh, since i cant talk to anyone else, it does help a bit in the mental load.

and even then i dont know where to start on going back to learning

i tried to do my driving test last yr but i procrastinated too long for the theory test and failed the first time i took it and it's been a while now and havent gone back , it's the easiest part of getting a driving license but i literally failed it and now the system has updated and it's become harder so like idk what im supposed to do now.

i feel like a lot of things seem like common sense or general knowledge to other ppl but just not me, im rlly slow on a lot of things, and nobody understands it, not even my neurodivergent friends. idk wht's happening in my own life a lot of the times.