Marriage? Divorce? What's next
I'm at a major crossroads in my life. I'm 55, my kids are growing and leaving home. One is in college and so happy and successful away from home I barely hear from them. The other is a junior in HS and I know how fast the last year and a half is going to go.
I've been in therapy for a few years to deal with identity, anxiety, marriage issues, a lot of the usual things. In the last year I fear my relationship has gotten much worse.
I have perhaps been overly empathetic over the years and allowed my husband to be in control of our lives. He is the sole financial provider. He travels frequently and I stayed home. It was the sensible thing to do, for all the sensible reasons, but in hindsight I feel sad at the things I didn't do. I was a professional, at one time. But those days feel so long ago.
He's an alcoholic. It hasn't interfered with work, ever, but it is significant and absolutely affects me, and is a bad model for our kids. I'm constantly afraid for his health too.
He is a perfectionist verging on undiagnosed OCD. This is where the empathy comes in. I want to support him and help him. But when my kids were young and he was gone for five days, if the house wasn't perfect on his return, he would be furious and lash out. His anger was emotional abuse and it lasted for years.
Only in the last couple of years did he try to work on himself but I think it's too late. Although life is easier now, I can't just pretend like he didn't hurt me for years. I've only just now found a way to express it.
He has heard me, acknowledges that this happened. But he thinks since he apologized there's nothing more he can do or needs to do. It's in the past and he can't fix it.
Unfortunately it isn't just in the past. He still has angry outbursts. It's awful and frustrating and painful. I think that in my mid fifties, I'm done. I don't want to argue, I don't want to tell him every 2 weeks that his anger is unacceptable.
So the obvious answer is, the marriage is over, right? But I'm so afraid. Our lives are so intertwined. Like everyone's. Where will we go? I can't leave our house until my son graduates high school. How can I support myself? How can I abandon my husband?
But the idea of being in a peaceful home is tantalizing. Of never ever needing to explain what I'm doing to him ever again. My kids will understand and be supportive. I can have gentlemen callers for fun on my terms.
I know other women our age have gone through this and shed the expectations our parents put on us. Please give me the good the bad and the ugly. I'm scared and I'm so very sad.