Just wondering how others have gone LC or NC with the pwBPD. Did you do so gradually or just flat-out all at once? Did you announce it to them beforehand in some way and give your reason(s) why or did you just stop responding to them period?
BPD sister showed up again at the family house a couple of days ago, driven by her ex boyfriend.
The past few months have been blissfully peaceful, save for a couple of guilt-trip attempts by her flying monkey friends, two of whom laid in wait and ambushed me in driveway when I came home one evening. The other sent a flurry of urgent!!! texts and calls, insisting I call her or BPD sister immediately and that she was afraid BPD sister was “dying.” I ignored the calls/texts and did my best to not say much to the two women who ambushed me in the driveway.
In that time, I’ve not only been dealing with some pretty big repair issues around the family home, but also trying to get with an attorney about attempting a buyout when the other party (BPD sister) is hostile and unbending. Like everything else, nothing is easy and progress has been excruciatingly slow. I’ve also continued to look elsewhere, even though I’d much prefer to buy out the family home, and have come up with zilch.
Anyway, the other day, I was in the bathroom when I heard the doorbell and, before I could even make my way to the door, she was unlocking it and trying to come in. I had the chain up and the alarm set, so of course it went off when she tried to come in.
This is standard for her when she makes these unannounced visits. No notice and then no time given for someone to walk to the door before she starts barging in or trying to. And on the occasions when she has gotten in and I’m not there, she has gone into my bedroom and bathroom and snooped around, has gone through my personal things in there and elsewhere in the house.
I’ve been told before that since she is technically half owner of the family home, I cannot prevent her from coming in here whenever she wants, but that doesn’t sit right. And she has thus far refused to sell me her half despite already having er own, much nicer home and has been quite nasty about it, subjecting me to so much verbal and emotional abuse and harassment, not to mention the unannounced visits and invasions of my personal space and privacy.
Once inside the other day, she began lamenting her present condition, saying she was quite ill, “really scared” and wanted to stay at the family house and can’t be alone. Needs someone to take care of her, etc. Is claiming to have an incurable fungal infection. Started pleading, saying she would pay me, give me her house, etc., etc. Just really weird, over the top things.
I told her that that’s not possible right now, as the HVAC system is completely dead and needs to be replaced, which is all true, but I don’t want her staying here anyway. She complained that couldn’t I call someone to come out today to fix it and I said no, it’s not fixable and needs to be completely replaced, which takes longer to schedule and complete, as it’s much more involved than a simple repair.
She then goes on to say the doctors “can’t fix” whatever it is she supposedly has, and that they’ve told her they “hope she has a good support system.” Says it could be related to diabetes, she could have gotten it from the nail salon, from her shoes, etc. Just all over the place and the details were vague. When I would press for more information, she would not really say anything substantive.
My dog was going bananas at that point and was barking so loudly that it was hard to hear. I couldn’t get him to stop and wanted her to leave anyway, so I suggested we go outside and sit in the boyfriend’s car to talk. She balked at that, claiming she didn’t want the neighbors to see her the way she looks now, which made no sense, as she didn’t have any concern about that when walking up to the door after they arrived.
I should mention she does appear to have lost some weight and her hair was flat and straggly with dark roots grown out about five inches or so, which is unlike her, as she always has it colored and styled. She also was not wearing makeup other than lipstick and looked fairly bedraggled.
Once inside his car, she again began lamenting her condition, saying her feet hurt so much that she cannot walk well, says she can no longer wear any shoes except her jogging shoes. Claimed she can no longer drive and needs someone to drive her. Said he can’t wash her hair anymore because of breakage. It was a litany of health woes/symptoms and again, when I pressed for more details, she did not provide much if any. Was rather vague.
When I asked what kind of fungus or what it was called, she really did not say. When I asked what medication the doctors had prescribed, she said something unintelligible and then said she is supposed to take diflucan once a week, but that it is not working.
I suggested that if it were diabetes-related, then she should be seeing an endocrinologist and to get a referral to one from her other doctor. I said diabetes is manageable, but she never definitively said that was the cause of her supposed issues. Rebuffed the suggestion that she should be seeing an endocrinologist and again brought up the “support system“ comment that some doctor allegedly made.
She also claimed to have been to 35 doctor appointments in the past couple of months and said that they can’t do anything for her. Rebuffed any and all suggestions of seeing a different doctor or that whatever this mystery condition is could be treated.
The ex boyfriend at one point turned to me and said my sister has been living with him for the past eight months and that he “really thinks this needs a woman’s care” or some such nonsense, and then said that he is just a friend at this point and something about if it didn’t work out with her staying here, then in the future he could help pitch in sometimes or something. I took that to mean he is tired of babysitting her and wants to dump her on me so she’s no longer his problem. And I doubt seriously he would “pitch in” once he was rid of her.
Several times while I sat in the car with them, the ex got short with BPD sister, as if exasperated by her, which makes me question the severity of her supposed illness.
BPD sister then complained at him that he had gone out the night before and was gone for however long and that he was going out again that night and leaving her alone at his house. To which he snapped that it was only for an hour and a half and that he does have a social life and friends to see.
The boyfriend also suggested to her that she needs to seek the care of a psychiatrist, to which she whined that she already had seen two people (therapists?) and that they didn’t help or couldn’t do anything. To which the boyfriend then replied that it’s an ongoing process and not something that can be solved in one or two visits.
I took that to mean she may have gone to a psychiatrist or two once, if she actually went at all, and is unwilling to go on a continuous basis as is needed. Or, perhaps if she went, was told something she didn’t like and therefore left. I really don’t know.
BPD sister then kept asking or trying to find reasons to go back in the house, asking me at one point to make her something to eat, claiming the boyfriend didn’t have any food at his house. To which he snapped that there was a fridge full of stuff and started rattling off all of the different things they had to eat at his house.
She then began lavishing praise on my cooking, which came off so odd, out of left field and insincere, and I could tell the ex boyfriend was getting annoyed and anxious to go.
I told her I didn’t have a ton of food, as I don’t want to heat up the house by cooking since it’s hot outside and the HVAC system isn’t working. She kept whining about food, to which I then said I could go grab her a yogurt or something and she at first rebuffed that suggestion.
I also said the boyfriend could order whatever she liked from any number of supermarkets and have it delivered. Or they could go to any number of restaurants and get a sandwich or something. And again she rebuffed those suggestions, claiming the boyfriend “didn’t know how” to order stuff for delivery, which is utter bullshit. Any idiot can order something online for delivery. It’s not rocket science.
She then began making other bizarre requests, asking me if I had any clothes she could have, claiming none of hers fit anymore and that she “doesn’t have any” at the boyfriend’s house. And claims that the ceilings at her house are caving in and there’s mold everywhere. Again, utter bullshit. She has closets full of clothes — much more than I have or have ever had — and her house, unlike the family house, is in pristine condition.
There are no caved-in ceilings or mold there. And there’s no way she does not have clothes at the boyfriend’s house if she’s really been staying with him for eight months.
I replied to that one by saying I am a “beached whale” compared to her and that my clothes absolutely would not fit her, which is all true. I am a good two or two and a half inches taller and at least 30 pounds heavier, maybe more.
She then asked if I had any pajamas she could have and I said no and that I only wear old tshirts and shorts for pajamas. She just kept on with these odd requests.
I finally went inside grabbed a yogurt, some fruit and a piece of frozen leftover casserole and brought it out to her just to get her to quiet down and hopefully leave, but I shouldn’t even have done that.
She rolled down the window and started pulling a $20 bill out of her wallet to pay me, which I refused, and then she began lavishing praise on my hair, saying how great it looked, etc., etc., which again came off as really odd and insincere. Is the same hair she once told me stunk when she was trying to insult and provoke me.
Then asked for a hug in a pitiful voice, which I also refused. Very odd and insincere, as well. A hug after everything she’s said and done to me, particularly these past few years? I don’t think so. We’ve never
At that point, the ex boyfriend was really getting exasperated with he and said they needed to leave and drove off. A short time later, she texted to thank me for the food and then began lavishing praise again, saying how “pretty” I looked and how I looked exactly like our mom (I don’t). To me, it felt like love-bombing BS and it made me feel gross.
Has any other so-called “favorite person” here been the target of major guilt-tripping by the pwBPD and have they actually made themselves physically ill when you’ve gone LC/NC? Have you been put in the position of them wanting you to be their full-time caretaker because of their supposed physical illness and acting as though all of the abuse they’ve heaped upon you never happened or should just be magically forgiven and forgotten?
BPD sister has escalated things and is doing something kind of like what I have just described. She is putting me in a very bad position and I don’t know what to do. Have called the attorney’s office this morning, but have yet to hear back from them.
Just curious what other GenXers here have tried to either conceal or improve thin/fine hair and if any of those things worked for you.
I am in my late 40s and up until I was about 17 or so, I had very thick, long hair until I lost a considerable amount of weight -- about 35 pounds — in a very short amount of time the summer before my junior year of high school. Back then, fat-free everything was all the rage and dietary fat was being condemned. I took things a little too far with the fat-free nonsense and because of that and the quick weight loss, I got too thin and began shedding a lot of hair.
My mom was concerned and took me to my pediatrician, who also referred me to an endocrinologist. I also saw our family dermatologist, a second dermatologist and went to one of the local hospitals where all of the dermatologists in our city were having their monthly meeting. I sat in a little room while they all filed in and took turns examining my scalp. I underwent several rounds of bloodwork plus a scalp biopsy, none of which determined anything conclusive.
My dermatologist then decided that it was androgenetic alopecia even though there was no history of hair loss on either side of my family and the tests didn’t show anything unusual. I think it was just what he went with because nobody could find anything abnormal on the bloodwork or scalp analysis. None of the many doctors I saw during that time seemed to think the fat-free diet and quick weight loss had anything to do with it, either, which I found - and still do find - very strange. Also, I was not at an age where androgenetic alopecia typically sets in.
I was prescribed Rogaine, which wasn’t yet OTC, and also Nioxin shampoo. Gave both a shot and after several months of not seeing any change, I quit. Having to apply the Rogaine daily got tedious fast and it made my scalp itch so much that I couldn’t take it anymore.
Since then, I’ve just had to manage as best I can with thickening shampoos, volumizing sprays and concealing fiber powders like Toppik.
I’ve also gone back periodically to check thyroid and the other usual suspects for hair loss in women and again, doctors didn’t seem to think anything was amiss on the labwork even though this last time, my serum ferritin level was one or two points away from being in the below-normal lab range.
I have read many times that serum ferritin should be much, much higher in order for hair to grow/regrow or stay healthy, but since the lab said it’s “normal,” then the Dr. wasn’t willing to do or prescribe anything. I’ve also asked about supplements and whether stress might also be playing a role, but was pooh-poohed on those suggestions, too.
At this point, I am frustrated. It’s been over 30 years and my hair has never gone back to what it once was and I doubt it ever will. Doctors haven’t been much help and I would like to find something to make it look at least a little bit better or grow a little thicker.
Has anyone had any success with supplements like Nutrafol, biotin or those hair/skin/nails formulas? Or those red laser light brushes and caps?
And has anyone tried those clip-in extensions or “toppers” and liked them? If so, are there any brands you would recommend?
I’ve vented on here before about being dreadfully lonely and not having a strong support system in my life. Both of my parents have passed away, I am single and do not have children despite always wanting them very much, and I am estranged from both older siblings - one by choice and one not.
I’ve really struggled with finding and making friends at this age (late 40s), as it seems most of my peers are married or otherwise in relationships and many also have kids. They all seem to have many other longtime friendships already and only seem interested in doing “couple” things or “mom/dad” things with others in the same boat. Even when it’s something like a girls’ night out, the only women included are those who are married and/or have children. When I reach out, I get little to no response and am rarely, if ever, included in plans.
I’ve tried to “get out there more,” as people are so fond of suggesting, but wherever I go or whatever I do - classes, gym, clubs, church, etc. - people already have their own little established groups within and don’t seem to want or have the room to include one more person. No matter how friendly and engaging I try to be, it never goes beyond the initial, surface-level pleasantries.
I never thought I would be this lonely at any age, but I spend the majority of my time alone now and it really hurts.
About 6 months ago, a couple of former co-workers and I started meeting up for walks on Saturday mornings, but those meetups have been fairly inconsistent, often with one or the other co-worker being unable to go or having some last-minute reason for backing out.
Whenever we have managed to meet up for walks, it‘s been a really nice time and we usually stop at Starbucks afterward for a drink and a chat. I so look forward to those walks because it’s about the only social interaction I get anymore, but they have been few and far between these past several months.
More recently, both friends have become extra flaky and I’m considering giving up on meeting with them altogether. I’m always the one initiating plans and reaching out to see if they’re available the following weekend for a walk, which they say they are, but when Friday evening or Saturday morning rolls around, one inevitably will cancel at the last minute and the other usually follows suit.
These friends rarely reach out or initiate, if at all, and I am tired of being the one to do it only to be canceled on at the last minute. It’s usually an excuse of knee pain, a cold or some other ailment, or, for the one friend, she “forgot” they were going to do_______, or “forgot” her teenager had some dance recital or other event going on.
I know schedules can get hectic, people have a lot going on and yes, sometimes they do catch a cold or whatever, but with both of these “friends,” the last-minute flake-outs and excuses seem excessive at this point and I’m starting to question whether it’s even worth it to reach out anymore. I’ve never expressed any disappointment to either of them about it and when I get the inevitable “I have a cold” or whatever excuse, I just reply back with a cheery “Feel better!” or something positive, such as wishing their teenager well with the dance recital.
Would you all give up on these friends if thngs were as one-sided as they have been for me lately? And would it be terribly childish of me to be unavailable if by some chance one or the other friend were the one to reach out next time to make plans? I doubt they would, but at this point, I’m tired of being the only one making an effort and always being flaked on.