r/ModernFamilyFinance

Hi everyone in the IT community,

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on how you handle or split expenses when both partners are earning.

We’re both software engineers in Bengaluru, working for IT companies with similar salaries.

Right now, we split expenses equally, with the common share going towards EMIs and keeping the rest for our own spending.

This could be for personal things or investments.

I’d love to hear how others are managing this and what strategies are working for them.

I’m open to hearing genuine ideas and conversations.

Hi,

My husband and I are both working parents with two teenagers, and we’ve always shared everything financially—joint checking, savings, bills, and property. It just feels natural to us because that’s how I saw my parents manage a happy, healthy marriage.

Lately, I’ve noticed more couples keeping separate finances, so now I’m curious. Is fully sharing finances still common, or are separate accounts becoming the norm?

No judgment at all—I know every family is different.

I’d love to hear what works for your family and why.

Please keep it kind and respectful! 😊

My girlfriend and I have been living in her home for about 3 years now. She and her ex-husband bought the home and it’s paid off, so there’s no mortgage. I pay the utilities, groceries, travel, restaurants, lawn care, and home maintenance/repairs. How should we split expenses?

Edit: I am currently paying $1500/month in rent to her. I have also paid the taxes on the house for the last two years.

TLDR: my wife wants to spend $7k on her hobby despite not being able to contribute to household expenses while on mat leave. Is it fair that she sell her other hobby items to cover the cost?

I’ll skimp on the details so this doesn’t get too long. We are common law and while our expenses are separate, we are trying to have a more “our money” mindset especially since having a baby 8 months ago. Pre-baby, we split expenses roughly 50/50 but I paid for all “luxuries” like travel and eating out since I made more ($110k vs $75k). I was also saving a lot more which we plan to use to buy a house in 5 to 10 years. At the end of the day, her and I had similar “fun money” spending.

Since having the baby, I spend basically nothing and am putting everything into savings. Just no draw to spend my “fun money”. You can imagine my interests of travel, restaurants and sports games aren’t big draw atm. She’s on roughly half her income and so I have taken over 90-95% of household expenses. With this arrangement, she spends roughly the same “fun money” as pre-baby despite the lower income and hasn’t been putting anything into savings (which is fine, she deserves joy with everything she’s sacrificed).

Now she really wants to buy this rare $7,000 item for her hobby collection. It’s a “unique opportunity” she says, not something you can just buy anytime.
I think that’s insane. Her plan is to limit her spending to save up to buy this item. I think to justify buying it, she should sell some of her collection to cover her portion of household expenses plus the item. My logic being that you can’t justify spending that much money if you can’t contribute anything to the rent/groceries/diapers etc. For reference, I don’t think I’ll be spending over $1000 on myself this entire year. No buying clothes, no drinks with friends, Mom is cuttings my hair.

I don’t want to be a dick. She had a rough pregnancy / post partum and her hobby really cheers her up. But it’s also not the time to make a big personal purchase like that. Somewhat selfishly, I want most of our extra money to go towards things as a family, like weekend trips or a babysitter for nights out together. She wants those things too, but wants this hobby stuff more and doesn’t really worry too much about the big financial picture.

What do you think? What’s a fair request of her if she really must have this ultra expensive item? AITA is I insist she just miss out on it seeing as our household income is down 30%?

Update:
Thank you for all the responses! It was quite the range and lots of gender commentary which is funny since I swapped them for anonymity 😂 . I’ve realized that the heart of the issue is that we have no unified financial plan and are basically winging it. I don’t care how she spends her fun money, she can light it on fire if she so chooses. But it was a big wake up call hearing that she thinks we have the fun money budget to save up $7k that quickly.

Asking her to sell her collectibles to pay household expenses was dumb. We will make a joint budget that accounts for all expenses/saving goal to decide our new post-baby fun money. But I don’t think it will be nearly enough to buy this $7k item any time soon.

Re: what is the 7k hobby item? - I’m paranoid and afraid of the internet. It’s a niche hobby where anyone who knows us would be 100% certain who we are. It’s in the realm of Burkin purses, Pokémon cards or luxury watches. Pretty to look at, not useful, not income generating, but historically has retained its value or possibly turned a profit.

It is me, my bf (together for 1.5 years), his sister and her husband (together for a decade) who live in a house that we rent. We all work except his sister. He has said that his dream was to take care of his family financially. He pays majority of rent and utilities, he makes majority of the money. His brother in law is not the best with money but he pulls through most of the time, me and him both work service jobs. His sister usually cooks dinner.

From the get go I was very weary of his sister's unemployment. She's been unemployed for years. She has had medical issues that caused her to be unemployed, but she is completely fine now and I think as his big sister it is odd that she doesn't help monetarily, or isn't actively trying to find a job. He says that she helps with dinners, but she likes to cook and when she doesn't want to, she won't.

I've mentioned to him that this dynamic makes me uncomfortable and it seems really unfair. He agrees but because she used to take care of him (their mother was an irresponsible drunk) he wants to repay her (his dream). He has also acknowledged that there comes a time where he will need to prioritize me as his family. I've said that I would want us to move out together at some point, and he seemed into the idea but very hesitantly and brought up how we need roommates bc living is expensive. His sister not working contradicts that for me, and in the past his brother in law would be super inconsistent with rent so my bf had to keep up with all costs.

His sister is his best friend pretty much and I know there is also some codependency that is happening and he has also acknowledged it. Their emotions very much depended on one another and can easily tick each other off and ruin moods.

Today he told me he did the math and divided all expensive by 4 (which would mean I would need to pay almost half more than I do already) and that we didn't have to talk about it right away. I just felt uncomfortable considering how he is paying his sister's portion and he makes more money than us, idk. Everything feels touchy bc of his "dream" and it being family. I've considered living alone, but I'm worried that would come off harshly and I love living with him. I told him I was willing to pay more, but I was just annoyed the more I thought about it.

I think about the aspect of a community and how she cooks a lot for us, but I don't know if that's me trying to justify something regardless of how I actually feel. Am I being too harsh? Is there a proper way I can go about this with him? Sometimes I think it's his money he can do whatever with it, but I also don't think he's helping his sister be financially independent. I need proper advice and opinions please.

This is my first relationship and first time I've moved out.

I’m 17 years old and I’m starting my senior year of high school on August 3rd. I have three younger brothers who are also in school (one in elementary, one in middle school, and one who is a sophomore at the same high school as me). I live with my mom and my dad lives elsewhere but is still present and helps when he can.

I got my first job at Walmart a few weeks ago making $15/hour because I wanted to pay for my own senior year so my parents could focus on my brothers. We got evicted last year and even though we’re back in an apartment now after sleeping on couches and floors for 7 months. most of our clothes are still in storage or in trash because the bill wasn’t paid. My wardrobe is small, and my 15 year old brother barely has clothes that fit anymore.

When I got my first paycheck I ended up spending most of it helping my family instead of myself. I bought groceries because we didn’t get our EBT that month, helped with our phone bill, and paid for rides home from work at night. My mom also used money from my card for Lyfts to go see a man without asking me first and didn’t tell me until I checked my balance and realized it which made it even harder for me to save.

I also earned a $1,000 stipend from a summer program healthcare program. After buying one back to school outfit, groceries, and helping with other expenses, I only have about $300 left. Tomorrow I’m going to ross and tj max to buy myself a few basic shirts and jeans because I don’t have much to wear. My next paycheck is $500 but about half of it is already going to my back to school hair appointment and hair. 175 for the appt and about 60 for hair.

The problem is…my brothers don’t have ANY new clothes or shoes. My sophomore brother doesn’t even know what he’s wearing yet and he doesn’t even know he has nothing for school. and I’m not sure if he’ll even get a haircut before school starts, any of them. And I know how it feels looking at everyone at school and comparing yourself because they have things. I don’t want him to feel embarrassed or less than especially since we’re at the same school and I know how they are up here. I want to buy him atleast one outfit, a pair of Air Force’s and a simple shirt and shorts or something but with how much that’ll cost I’ll barely have anything left.

I love my family and I don’t mind helping at all but it feels like a heavy weight is being put on me and I’m taking on responsibilities that aren’t mine and barely have anything left to help myself. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? How did you balance helping your family while still taking care of yourself?

If anyone knows of back-to-school resources for families that need help with clothes or shoes, I’d really appreciate it.

My boyfriend and I have been loving together since January. When we decided to live together we discussed finances and decided to split all bills that we share (rent, utilities, groceries) 50/50. When he moved in he was making around $70k/year as an operations manager. I am a teacher at a charter school and only make about $50k/yr. He recently got a new job where he’s making nearly $120k/yr and I’m really concerned that the 50/50 split is actually incredibly unfair to me. I would like to be able to save money and actually afford to do things for myself like get my hair done, pay for yoga classes, etc. I’ve tried to bring this up to him and he doesn’t seem to understand when we are “splitting everything 50/50”. I don’t want to seem unappreciative or that I’m taking advantage of him in any way. I just want to feel like we are on equal ground. Would love some advice!!!

5 years ago in 2021, my parents bought my baby sister (born 1997) a house outright. She pays them the "mortgage" and still owes them 117k. She and her husband make 75k before taxes.

She upgraded her lifestyle on that, dog and a kid due in august, and doesn't want to send the kid to the local public school system. Cause she couldn't even afford her bills in a small town making $20/hr when it was just her and her then-boyfriend-now-husband.

Oh, and without the mortgage, she's over 100k in debt between student loans, her wedding (30k), honeymoon (5k), mayhaps her car, not sure if she paid that off before or what debt is on that (honda fit), and this doesn't count credit cards (unknown amount).

Chat, how rude of a bus is my baby sister gonna get hit with? Cause when confronted with all that information, she says "I can't help that I'm the favorite." Would I care normally? Absolutely, but she's also going to take my nephew down with her, and that worries me (as someone also raised in poverty).

Happy to answer any questions if you need more information. I'll tell you what I know.

Reuploaded due to mistakes on my part not acknowledging vent's rules.

Edit: yall don't know how finances work, huh?

Edit2: amazing how many people are excusing child abuse. Raising a child in poverty IS abusive.

My older brother (24M) keeps asking me for money (22M) and works full time as a software developer whilst I am still a student. Bearing in mind we don’t even talk to each other but only speaks to me when he needs money. He went on holiday the other week and asked for a few hundred… Still hasn’t paid me back and just asked for a couple for pounds just then. He literally avoids me at all costs except when he needs something for me. He even skipped my graduation but yesterday attended his friends. I have lent him money several times, always uses my things and doesn’t even say thank you half of the time. What do I do?

I am 40f married to a 44m, we’ve been together and married for years but finance is still a big issue. Wanted to hear how you would treat someone you really are in love with vs with but maybe not in love with but are with them for whatever reason. What’s within boundary and what’s not? What’s fair because you love them or what you would not do?

What if the other person was making money but recently lost their job?

I (40F) have been with my husband (44M) for over 20 years . 10 years ago, we officially got married and had our second child, my husband started his business. I put my career aside to take care of everything so that he could focus on building what I thought was for us. the business has been very successful for the last 8 years which allowed him to take over as the primary provider (the profit also allows us to vacation, pay for all kids activities, pay his moms monthly mortgage, eating at all the hot spots, etc) but prior to that I was always the primary provider.

I was laid off about 4 weeks ago due to company downsizing so I have been applying to jobs every day and have been interviewing with some really great companies…I know I will land something soon. In the meantime while at home, I took over all cleaning duties for our two story house, I cook, wash/fold laundry, drive to drop off/pick up kids’ from school or activities, and help with his business (recreating our website, managing branding and customer experience needs, following up on outstanding invoices, working with vendors for various things, manage clients request for vendor registrations to onboard our company, and other various admin work as well. Also, I helped build revenue through my network which resulted in long term clients that billed over 200k this year alone (it’s July 2026). Though he he does like to remind me that he does the physical part and that his great work is what keeps the clients…

tl;dr

THIS IS WHERE I NEED YOUR FEEDBACK AND ADVICE:

Despite that, he started to regularly call me lazy, a leach, says I have no ambition and literally tells me to “get a job” as if I’m not already doing everything I can to find one. now is taking away my financial access because it’s “his” money. He’ll continue paying the mortgage, bills, and groceries, but If I need gas, want to take the kids somewhere, buy clothes, or spend money on anything else, I’m expected to use unemployment or wait until I get another job.

I understand I’m unemployed right now, and I fully intend to contribute financially again as soon as I find another job. after more than 20 years together, being the previously financial provider, sacrificing my career to help him build the business, while taking care of the kids, managing the household, and still contributing to the business — it feels cold and hurtful. I feel like I don’t even know him now.

Am I overreacting, or would you also find this hurtful? How would you handle it?

My husband of 30 years said "I'm considering buying the watch I want vs buying something practical." I asked how much the watch he wanted was and he didn't give me an exact price but hinted it was north of 5K. This man spends every dime he has. We have kept our finances separate for about 15 years because I was tired of living pay check to pay check. He makes 30k more a year than I do and he's responsible to pay for our mortgage, car insurance, and the bulk of groceries. I also take money once a month from his account to pay for his car and our travel fund. The rest he does what he wants. I pay for all utilities (water, electricity, natural gas, cell phones, internet) and some groceries. I have money left over and have a savings account which is separate from our travel account.

He said he wanted to finance the watch and it would be $90 per paycheck. He could afford that payment with his "walking around money". I'm torn because on one hand, dude you just want an expensive watch just because? It's not a milestone birthday nor any occasion just he wants this watch. I feel there's a lot better uses for 5k than a watch. I asked him how he would feel if I bought a 5k pair of shoes and he replied "do they even make 5k shoes?". I'm very torn because on one hand he blows $180 a month on all kinds of things so if he put it to a watch, he'd have a watch" but on the other hand, that 5k could paint the exterior of our house, take an extra trip, redo our floors....Do I give him my blessing? I feel its kind of selfish but also he has a budget to do what he wants so I'm struggling. Why am I struggling? Because I would never spend 5k on myself.

Update: Thanks for everyone's input. It helped me realize I was concerned about the financing and if he had the cash and bought it, I wouldn't have an issue. We talked about it and he agreed to save the COLA he just received and his annual increase for a year. The watch he's looking at is closer to 6k. He's going to open a watch fund account and get the money direct deposited into the account. He's sounded excited to build the account. Maybe you can teach an old dog, new tricks.

I wonder if a guy who is super rich or grew up in a wealthy household would seriously consider dating a girl who’s just middle class. I’d really like to hear actual perspectives from men, especially those who come from wealthy families.
Does financial status matter when choosing someone to date? If it does, is it because of lifestyle differences, family expectations, future compatibility, or something else?

I just wonder whether a big financial gap makes people think twice before pursuing a relationship. Have any of you been in a relationship where there was a significant difference in financial background? How did it work out?

My ex-wife and I split, and the divorce came completely out of nowhere. We have four kids, and the divorce dragged on for a year because I fought her on everything. In the end, I kept the house since I owned it before we got married, while she was awarded primary custody and I got every other weekend with the kids.

The court ordered me to pay $3,400 a month in child support. After four months, I stopped paying because I felt the amount was impossible to keep up with. My ex threatened to take me back to court, and I told her that if she did, I’d terminate my parental rights so she’d be left raising all four kids on her own. She knew that wouldn’t be easy for her, and that was the last time she brought it up.

To preface: I already opened a new savings account he doesn’t have access to now and moved what’s remaining of my savings into it. Anyway, I’ve always had a good relationship with my dad. I have three jobs, daytime job at a bridal store and two bartending jobs. I worked my ass off (60+ hr weeks from last aug-this winter) for the money in my savings to buy a new car. February 14th, he took out $300. On February 16th, he took out $1000, and on the 26th, took out another $300. On march 4th he took out another $100. (two days before my bday) I didn’t see this until a few days after my bday. I was confused, bc I thought he didn’t have access to my account anymore since I turned 18 (that’s what he told me)He said he was moving money around from his and my mom’s accounts and their joint accounts and accidentally took from my savings. (I guess he can move money around from their joint accounts, his checking savings, mine, and my little sister) I wasn’t upset or worried because I’ve always trusted him with everything, esp navigating finances/ money, I always ask him for help and advice. I told him to keep it, and I won’t pay him for my monthly bills for the next however many months that equals out to. (Bills are usually $300 monthly, so About 4.5-5 months)

well, a lot happened in may/june, a close family member passed, I missed a bunch of work from that along with being in a wedding so missed a weekend of work from the Bach trip for that, I got sick and missed another whole weekend/week of work, and w my bars being so painfully slow so I’m making dogshit for tips. And, my daytime job keeps cutting my hours because it’s so slow too. I had to start dipping into my savings to pay for everything because I’m virtually making nothing right now (looking for a new job w something steadier right now). I checked my bank account last month a few days before Father’s Day, noticed I was missing quite a bit from my savings after I had just deposited a bunch of checks from one of my bartending jobs… I checked it, and see my dad took out $2000 on June 8th. I texted him about it and said “hey haha I think you accidentally took money from my account again, no rush but if you could put it back in the next day or two that’d be great”. He said “oops, my bad”. I was at work, so I couldn’t check my phone for a bit. But when I did check it, I see he took out another $1000??? I was like wtf, so I texted him again saying he just accidentally took out another $1000. He left me on read. Because I had family in town and it was Father’s Day, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t wanna start something with company staying with us and make it uncomfortable for them.

I said something after they left, he said “I got you don’t worry, I’ll put it back.” weeks go by and he hasn’t put it back. My mom and I went to the mall together one day and I said something to her about it, she seemed very alarmed and confused. She said she would say something to him herself. She did, he said he would. I made a couple more gentle comments about it, he kept saying he would, he didn’t…. it’s the end of July now. I went back to IL to see my grandma (my moms mom, dads MIL) by myself, her and I went to dinner and I told her how stresssed I was with missing so much work and not getting hours, and told her about the money thing with my dad. She says “okay I’m going to tell you something but you cannot tell anyone this, your dad came to me and asked me for money back in march around your birthday. He said he overpaid on a credit card, he said he’d pay me back but still hasn’t.” Okay, so what’s going on?? I feel sick. My gut is telling me something is going on, it doesn’t seem good. I don’t know what to do/how to approach the situation. My mom is stressed right (and sad, she lost her dad/my papa in may) now I feel bad bringing this up to her, but also, she doesn’t know what’s going on and she deserves to. But also, I don’t want to out my grandma if I tell my mom. Do I go to him first and say “hey, is there something going on? Do you guys need help with money? Because I would’ve absolutely been willing to help if you had just asked me…” or do I black mail him and “you have until this date to give me my money back or, when I go to buy a new car you’ll be pitching in $3300.” (I probs wont do that but I thought abt it lol.) I’ve been avoiding him at home, it’s been giving me so much anxiety. Where is this money going? Does he have a secret gambling addiction or something?? I know he’s stressed trying to find a new job right now because he hates his current one, but idk how that would relate to him taking my money. Should I try and snoop around on his computer before I say anything?? Please any advice is appreciated, sorry this is so long.

5 years ago in 2021, my parents bought my baby sister (born 1997) a house outright. She pays them the "mortgage" and still owes them 117k. She and her husband make 75k before taxes.

She upgraded her lifestyle on that, dog and a kid due in august, and doesn't want to send the kid to the local public school system. Cause she couldn't even afford her bills in a small town making $20/hr when it was just her and her then-boyfriend-now-husband.

Oh, and without the mortgage, she's over 100k in debt between student loans, her wedding (30k), honeymoon (5k), mayhaps her car, not sure if she paid that off before or what debt is on that (honda fit), and this doesn't count credit cards (unknown amount).

Chat, how rude of a bus is my baby sister gonna get hit with? Cause when confronted with all that information, she says "I can't help that I'm the favorite." Would I care normally? Absolutely, but she's also going to take my nephew down with her, and that worries me (as someone also raised in poverty).

Happy to answer any questions if you need more information. I'll tell you what I know.

Marriage is a beautiful journey... until you start setting up a home. 😅

Me and my wife both are working. Thought the wedding was the biggest expense... turns out it was just the beginning.

House advance ✔️ 50k

Appliances ✔️ 1.7L

Furniture ✔️40k

First D-Mart bill 💥 (Guess)

Appliances EMIs ✔️(10k)

Insurance premiums ✔️(1lac)

Fuel, groceries, internet... every month there's a new bill waiting.

And in the middle of all this, we planned a ₹1L Meghalaya trip because apparently we enjoy financial adventures. 🤡

Just when I thought things would settle down... relatives started asking, "Kids eppudu?" Extra sauce. 😂

To all the salaried married folks here—how did you get your finances back on track after the first few months?

I’m a 22F and recently started working full-time. I make about $6,400/month after taxes and currently live at home.

My parents want me to contribute $3,000/month toward their mortgage for 3 years. They say it’s a loan and that they will pay me back when I need it. Their reasoning is that putting this much toward the mortgage will save them around $150k in interest, and that it’s also financially beneficial for me because I’m living at home and avoiding rent/living expenses.

I understand their perspective, and I do want to help my parents. However, $3,000/month feels overwhelming to me. That’s almost half of my take-home pay, and if I contribute for 3 years, they said they would likely take another 3 years to pay me back. That means my money could be tied up for around 6 years.

I kept telling them that I don’t feel comfortable with $3000 because it’s a significant portion of my income and I’m giving up access to the money even if they do pay me back eventually and they’re like why? What other expenses do you have? And making me feel insane for feeling this way.

I tried negotiating down to $2,000/month because I still wanted to contribute but also wanted to keep more financial flexibility. My dad said he doesn’t want to force me, but he also doesn’t want to negotiate. He knows how much I make and feels like this is a reasonable expectation. My parents made me feel selfish almost for not wanting to contribute the amount they expect.

The part I’m struggling with is that they are very vague about repayment. When I suggested writing down the terms because this is a six-figure amount of money, they got upset and said things like, “So you don’t trust us?” and “If you don’t want to, then don’t.” I’m not saying I think they would intentionally not pay me back, I just feel like a written agreement is reasonable for $108,000.

I also feel conflicted because living at home isn’t completely free for me emotionally. I appreciate having a place to stay, but there are sacrifices involved, and I want to eventually move out and build my own life. My parents focus on the fact that I don’t have many monthly expenses right now, but I feel like I’m also trying to save for my own future and independence.

I’m not trying to avoid helping my family. I just don’t know if committing $3,000/month for years is the right decision for me. This is almost half of what I make and it makes me feel incredibly anxious knowing I lose access for it, even if it is temporary.

AIO?

Edit: thank you all for your comments I have been reading each one individually, I genuinely felt insane and gaslit for thinking this is crazy, thank you for helping me feel less alone

edit 2: sorry if this wasn’t clear but their mortgage payment is less than $3k, they just want me to add extra money to lower their principal balance so they owe less interest in the long run. i don’t believe they will pay off the loan in 3 years, it’s just an arbitrary time frame my dad said

(I call it green paper cause r/help me decided I was still asking for money for some reason) For context I am 14M and have a weekly allowance of 10gp a week. I am not asking for green paper, when I make this post I am asking on how to fix my situation. Since may I’ve spent over 100gp on video games. I didn’t know how much I was spending and realized too late once my mother had yelled at me about it. I’m currently trying to make amends by cleaning around the house. My mom is pissed and I don’t want to think about what happens when my dad comes home, he’s never been abusive but has anger issues. I feel so disappointed in myself and don’t know what do do next, I can’t even look at my mom and I already know my brother (all he does is works at Walgreens and stays in is room all day on discord) isn’t going to make it any easier for me

37(f), dating a guy for 2 years and we have hopes of getting married. Actually, he’s also chosen the ring but he’s unaware that I know this. He’s so sweet, thoughtful but here are recent issues. Recently he said that he wanted to cut his expenses over the next 6 months because he’s trying to invest in his business. Over the weekend we went on a trip with my family. I paid for the hotel and he rented the car. He also paid for dinner for him, my son and I the first night. However, the second night he and I went to dinner and I offered to pay just to see if he would let me — and he did. Then, we went into a souvenir shop and I paid for everything once again. I got 2 shirts, a shirt for my son and he got a t-shirt and some other things— the issue is the 3 things he got were totaled more than the items I got for my son and I. I went shopping and bought his child a few new outfits for school. Then, when we got back— I needed to go to the store for medicine. He needed water. He paid for his water but did not pay for the items I needed. However, he does fill my tank up with gas and has traditionally gotten me anything I’ve asked for (small reasonable things). However, I just can’t shake the thought that he didn’t pay for my medicine in the store but got himself cases of water. Now I feel unattracted to him and I know it sounds silly but…I think it’s because I want a man to pay for everything, especially in a situation where we both need things from the store and are in there together. Like it was medicine. When we were in the souvenir shop I just asked him to place his things on the counter so we wouldn’t have to do 2 transactions but the fact that he didn’t do that in the nstore with items I really needed is blowing me.