I fucked up BAD.
In 2020 I moved back to my mother’s apartment full of shame. Had a job at Home Depot and met a fantastic young Lady who I believe is my Soul Mate. She came down from Canada from McGil. She was full of fucking wonder. I mean from the time I saw her, the second time. She was moving with grace and I felt something foreign at the time radiating from her. At the time I was very ignorant. Ignorant to myself, ignorant that she was my soul mate, and most importantly ignorant to Life here on Earth. When she came up to the Service Desk I was so fucking shy. In an attempt to keep it cool, I tried to remain focused on my task at hand. She proudly interjected and introduced herself to everybody I was around. She saved the best for last lol and introduced herself to me. When she pulled her mask down I was stunned by what I saw. She was an Angel in real life. We kicked it off almost immediately. Eventually got into a serious relationship. Where we were spending the night at my mother’s apartment. Soon we were spending nights at her parents house because it was closer to our job. Well she asked me if I wanted her to stay so we could be together. Man I couldn’t say yes fast enough. So she did. I got to see a young woman so full of ambition conquer one thing after the other. She inspired me to do more other wise I felt I would lose her. Doing what I could at the time I changed careers. Found something I could do and didn’t yet realize I loved. Man I was so ignorant…. Life happened and my Grandmother transitioned. It crushed me and at the time I had two coping skills. Alcohol and drugs. My soul mate was there for me in that moment. Instead of appreciating that effort I compared her love foolishly to my grandmothers love for me. Ohhh this and ohhh that. The young woman stayed with me. Man I took her for granted. Well that wasn’t the last time. She watched me chase instant gratification through gambling and cryptocurrency amongst other things. Well she needed time away from me and my abandonment issue took it as her leaving me. Who the fuck wouldn’t leave someone who was selfish and self sabotaging. It must have hurt her to watch wasted potential. Of course we still stayed in contact for a while. Man I’m so fucking ashamed of my actions. It doesn’t end there. Well I was hurt and was still coping through illicit substances. Of course that comes with the bad friends along with HORRIBLE FUCKING ADVICE. Well my soul mate got a great job and was excited so she shared the news. I took advantage of that. I shared it with who I know now as just a using buddy. The using buddy also knew how hurt I was about my separation with (my soulmate we will address as H.A. T) HAT. They finessed me into destroying the relationship for good. I intended to pay the money back. I swear I did, well I told her that I wasn’t to see the look on her face. Hey hurt people hurt people and as long as I never beat in her it wasn’t that bad. Fucking wrong fuck boy. The look on her face is one I’ll never forget man. That break of trust she had in me and betrayal hurts me reliving it. Well I was in active addiction and it slid off me because I was numb. This woman is so pure in heart that she fucking forgave me! Well fast forward and life gave me another chance to prove to her that “we could fight any monster life has together”. My ignorant ass fucking blew it again! Not going to share but I fumbled that ball because I wasn’t man enough, fuck that, wasn’t in touch with my emotions. Instead of pausing for a second and playing the tape. I acted impulsively. My logical brain thought wrong. Today I am well, on my way to building a life that I am proud of, and filling my cup one day at a time. Met woman that are missing that spark I felt with HAT. We would just be watching her favorite show on the couch and it was there. People knew it when we were together. I mean complete strangers could see what I couldn’t. We were Soulmates who found each other. Now I’m awake to life sober and building something meaningful. Today I’m typing this up after realizing it ain’t anyone else that I miss more than HAT. So I hope she sees this post and has read to this point. Trust is going to take my consistent action to be built. It’ll be a stronger form of trust if given the opportunity. Shit I was a piece of shit and that person does not deserve a lot of stuff. It’s amazing that I’ve made it to this point of History. I’ve got another chance at Life on Earth. Can’t force anyone to do anything and I won’t want to force you to do anything. Rather I hope you allow me to earn a shot at what we started building before I destroyed that. Words can only do so much. That’s why we have actions. This is one form of that. Didn’t realize how sheltered I was until I went to a rehab. The fact I was sheltered from knowing I’m neurodivergent isn’t fair and played a huge factor in my sabotage. Nonetheless no excuse for my actions and lack of inaction. They say you don’t realize what you got until it’s gone. Now I’m hoping the other half of me ain’t gone forever because that ain’t anyway for anybody to live this life on Earth.
Sincerely,
Jay 🥲