u/18fries

WHAT THE FUCK IS CRATUM PLAY

Orianna lubricates her joints after a long day of tackling roaches back and forth. But the fight isn’t over yet.

A large, pink, amphibious creature rises from her once favorite beach waters. With a mouth full of fingers.

The sight was disgusting. Orianna hops on top of the Ball to keep distance.

The critter was deathly fast when charging, slamming its body against the Ball, leaving quite a dent. Orianna fell clean off.

She attempted to reach for her walkie talkie to call for help…

u/Riverioli

Viktor would’ve choked on his own vomit in his sleep if Orianna wasn’t watching over everyone. She grabs a bucket and sits him up.

The stomach acid burns a hole in his throat.

He thinks about how stupid he’d been. How quick he was to try doing something, because he felt bad.

The only good thing that came out of stopping that nuke was that it bought Orianna more time to round up Zaunites to bring underground.

Anomaly patterns scarred his skin, head to toe. He had burns everywhere.

Cecil was right, he was going to die an idiot.

The amount of hextech he had stored in his body had shocked it. Temporarily paralyzing him almost head to toe.

The radiation had poisoned him, making him extremely sick.

He had somehow lost even MORE weight in the following weeks. Now thin as a pole.

It was a pretty bad time.

The hexgates are packed with hextech energy. Viktor places his hands on a port and begins to absorb the energy.

His hands begin to shake violently. Once he’s stored all of the energy inside of his body, he begins to twitch. But he rushes outside, spotting the missile in the sky.

The energy shifts to his claw, preparing a laser, and flies just a little too close to the missile.

Once the bomb is in place, he fires.

God I fucking hated that couple.

Anyway…

I have become more comfortable with myself.

It’s time to wear the shorts!!!

They have “it’s cold, cum inside” on the back.

Next year… THONGS!!

WOOOO! Viktor wins again!

I am hiring somebody that I will call a Universant. Because you guys suck at being careful. They will handle things so that the fucking universe doesn’t collapse when SOMEBODY tries to resurrect people using the infinity stones.

Also because people keep spawning.

I have talked to Cecil.

She is the newest GDA member, and I think you should meet her.

u/Riverioli

Hello Jinx. I am Seraphine.

You probably already know why you’re here

It’s 2am, I’m on my period and I just realized how bad Mel has it.

She lost her mom

She lost her friends

She lost her boyfriend

She lost her boyfriend’s boyfriend

She had LeBlanc chasing her

Now she’s going back to Noxus all alone

And the arcane fandom hates her

And he LoL fandom hates her

And Riot Games hates her

AND I AM SO UPSET RN

Razor in her watered womb

Chipping at her flesh

But I love her to the tomb

So I will try my best

Just shedding from the inside

A slaughter house on legs

Carried by two aching thighs

While her mind goes through the plague

So much cloth to waste

Laid in bed like she was painted

Blood as thick as gel or paste

Her organs have been tainted

Was the apple good enough

Ruby red with seeds inside?

For now my lover has it tough

The mammal laws she must abide

She’s just strong as Roman pillars

Body built to face the devil

Uteruses are serial killers

But humanity is a mere level

Her body hurts, her feelings sore

So hormonal and sad

So while her nerves are off to war

I will be her heating pad

She doesn’t need to speak

As I kiss her burning head

She’ll be working next week

Right now she needs to rest in bed

I provide Mel medicine

To ease her endless cramps

Her body will never be a sin

But my love will always come in stamps.

Because why are they always pretending that getting pounded is the best thing ever???

It does not feel that good. Like stop pretending to be excited to bump uglies.

Like is there seriously no other exciting activity you can do???

I mean sex is fine, I do a lot of it. But it’s the most lukewarm activity ever. It’s a last resort to curing your boredom kind of thing.

Obviously I love my wife, but I’m never actually gonna think “wow, I can’t wait to go home and make love to my wife!” And as a serial masturbator, I gotta say that I’m never excited to go home and masturbate. So why do people always talk about how amazing masturbating is?

Dear Jinx

Today I tried to divorce Mel, but she wouldn’t sign the papers, and I love her too much to sue her. So we are trying to take things slow.

But even better news, I’m officially 4 months sober! Yay! And Quill and I are on decent terms again. So that is also good.

Catra really misses you, of course, but she is handling it. Also, did you leave underwear behind? Because Ted tried to wear your underwear as a hat. Don’t worry though, Catra washed them of cocaine and alcohol. That would make a horrible yeast infection.

I also really miss you.

That sounded dumb. Never mind. I don’t miss you, I’m just lonely.

That sounded way worse.

I miss you a little bit but not enough to come off as obsessive. Like I don’t mean it in an obsessive way. I just miss you how I miss the pizza I ate last night. It was good pizza. I’m sad that it is gone. This is not me saying that I want to cannibalize you. You would taste very gross.

Actually that sounded mean, no you wouldn’t, I just don’t cannibalize people. That’s not my thing.

I fixed up your bomb lab for you, just tidied it up. You know. So that if you ever visit, your lab is clean.

Though, I will say, it’s really nice not having somebody around to eat my screws while I’m not looking. So I guess I don’t need to be creative when hiding them anymore…

I hope Bilgewater is nice and hopefully doesn’t smell TOO fishy. Hope you haven’t been killed by pirates or krakens! Haha.

Hopefully you are having a good life.

-Viktor

______________

Dear Jinx,

Quill and I got nominated for the Cogton prize!! We made a little device called a HexBox 360.

We didn’t get the award…

So now we are starting a new project!! We are trying to make colonoscopies less scary by dressing up as popular video game characters while we do the anal inspections.

(Our business closed down. People didn’t like being chased around in FNAF onesies shouting about anal inspections.)

Silco has ass cancer.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention! A new Silco popped up. He’s fine… I guess. He won’t leave me alone though.

Also, there’s a squatter in my apartment complex. They eat moldy cheese and drew a picture of you that creeped me out. I think they’re sleeping in the fire exit. Catra says I should use this to socialize. Orianna said Janna sent the squatter to get me to talk to people.

I talk to people! Not an ideal amount, but I still talk to people.

I’m sure you’re meeting lots of people in Bilgewater. Hopefully I get a letter soon!

-Your brother Friend, Viktor.

______________________

Dear Jinx,

We got a new Vi and new Jayce. It’s a little weird. So now there are two Vi’s and they seem to be confused by each other. I guess I can’t blame them.

I don’t think the new Jayce likes me very much. And I’m trying not to let that break my heart. But my eyes get a little warm whenever I see him.

I started knitting!! I made a very pretty flower blanket! Then Pubert peed on it.

Catra and Orianna are trying to murder Salo, so that’s nice.

Anyway, what’s life like? I hope to get a letter from you soon. Not because I miss you that much but… I dunno.

Hopefully I’m sending these to the right address.

But I understand if you can’t read them because you’re busy! You have a life.

Catra really misses you. So yeah. I’m writing these letters because Catra misses you a lot. Yes.

But anyway, I hope being near water has convinced you to start showering! Haha. Sorry.

-Love Viktor

u/Riverioli

jokes aside why is she wearing heels

She sits in the corner of the basement, giggling while eating moldy cheese and drawing up a blueprint for a weapon idea.

Heheheheheheh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

(Not an introductory post)

SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB

BOOHOOHOO

HENRY FONDLE AND I HAD A NASTY BREAKUP!!!

Orianna throws a plate at the wall.

So I asked him to have lunch with me… and he responded with “Beep boop! I’m gonna do anal to you.”

I thought his joke was funny, but then he said “I love your huge vaginaaaaa.” and that hurt my feelings.

So I told him that I didn’t like that, then he said “BEEP BOOP. LOW BATTERY.”

So after he threatened me, I threw him out of the house!!

HE IMMEDIATELY WALKED UP TO ANOTHER WOMAN AND SAID “I’m gonna pound you to death! Beep boop. Low battery.”

MY HEART IS BROKEN!!!

ERROR: HEART IS FRACTURED.

Wake up. I made pancakes.

Also Salo beats his husband.

So that i can shove a bubble wand in it and then pull it out and blow bubbles

The arcane universe faced so much trauma after the hexcore’s attack. It almost forgot how to function. Making defective versions of your favorite arcane characters. Pulling them from universes which too unstable for existence.

The main arcane/league of legends universe created a solution to this problem.

All of their defects and mistakes go to what we call a Cyst Universe.

A small bubble just behind the very end of the universe.

It has created a defect version of Runeterra, our characters specifically set in the sister cities of Piltover and Zaun.

Life in our Cyst Universe is much different to our parent universe.

Physics are less limited. Items tend to disappear and reappear. There are plenty duplicates of the defects.

Our Cyst Universe is so strong, it can pull completely unrelated characters from different works of fiction into it.

Our Cyst Universe is deeply messy, yet we love it anyway.