u/AiryCatYouTube

I lost a lot of mass in (mostly the top half) my boobs during a phase of my Weightloss where I lost very quickly (around the time I bought the 32DDD), more than I believe I would have lost if I lost weight during that phase more sustainably, I regained about 15 pounds and lost back down sustainably with focus on fitness, and my boobs no longer fit into the 32DDD despite the fact I weigh the same as when I bought it. Even the specialty bra stores around here don't carry a J with a 30 band... And even stores online it's hard for me to find a 30J, the 30 is very important. I can go down in band but not up. I am autistic and will not wear a bra that moves up and down my ribs in the band, I want it Velcro on my upper ribs lol I might consider a 32I as on the tightest setting my 32DDD is tight enough, and I can shove them in their without my nips poking out the top of the cups, which happens with even a single size down (same brand, I have 2 32DD I can't wear but bought on sale with hopes and dreams)...

Sorry for this long post, idk where else to go

I just want to be okay with myself.

For content I have autism and was excessively self studying as a child to try to fit in. I also have schizoaffective bipolar type childhood onset, and possibly BPD (they have me in DBT) which gives me a very shaky sense of self and what I look like along with the fact I have intense visual distortions at times and mood swings greatly affect how I view myself. Except on my very best days I usually dislike myself, esp my appearance. I have been informed I don't fall particularly outside of the "beauty standard" but with the dismantling, the constant comparisons to my golden child sister, and the mental illness makes it hard to believe. I also especially hate a past version of myself that was much much uglier than I am now, and also obese (I lost the weight). My fiance was with me at that time too and he doesn't like when I rag on that version of myself and talk about how much I hate her and I'm glad she doesn't exist anymore. I didn't like who I was at the time either, I was in a 3 year psychosis episode when I gained all the weight, developed Binge and stuff, and I acted like an insane person in public very vocally for 3 years and wasn't the person I am today. This does not help my perception of that version of myself. My fiance says I was kind and wonderful back then too but I guess I was just at my personal worst so it looks bad to me. I want to build some confidence back up, but I hate myself so much I feel like I don't deserve it at times. How do I even start to fix this situation.

Has anyone else had this kind of thing triggered by music, especially Dreamcore/Liminal Space Music?

I hate how much I crave it.

For content I have autism and was excessively self studying as a child to try to fit in. I also have schizoaffective bipolar type childhood onset, and possibly BPD (they have me in DBT) which gives me a very shaky sense of self and what I look like along with the fact I have intense visual distortions at times and mood swings greatly affect how I view myself. Except on my very best days I usually dislike myself, esp my appearance. I have been informed I don't fall particularly outside of the "beauty standard" but with the dismantling, the constant comparisons to my golden child sister, and the mental illness makes it hard to believe. I also especially hate a past version of myself that was much much uglier than I am now, and also obese (I lost the weight). My fiance was with me at that time too and he doesn't like when I rag on that version of myself and talk about how much I hate her and I'm glad she doesn't exist anymore. I didn't like who I was at the time either, I was in a 3 year psychosis episode when I gained all the weight, developed Binge and stuff, and I acted like an insane person in public very vocally for 3 years and wasn't the person I am today. This does not help my perception of that version of myself. My fiance says I was kind and wonderful back then too but I guess I was just at my personal worst so it looks bad to me. I want to build some confidence back up, but I hate myself so much I feel like I don't deserve it at times. How do I even start to fix this situation.

My therapist said the same thing, that I'm doing extremely well all things considered and she thinks that I could do well with the right support. My fiance is NOT pressuring me into having kids, this is something we'd both like to do SOMEDAY if my condition continues to stay relatively stable, but we are willing to consider adoption. It's also highly likely I may be infertile as well, and would have to successfully get pregnant on risperidone, which my psychiatrist said isn't impossible but it's hard. And find a pregnancy safe medication cocktail. It's a huge maybe, but I've always dreamed of being a mother. I'm also not sure of my chances of being accepted for an adoption with my condition.

Advice wanted.

I see things daily and hear things a couple times a week and deal with a lot of depersonalization and struggle socially and with keeping a clean environment/self but I've gotten so much better with that last one. I also have comorbids with Chronic PTSD, Autism Level 1, and ADHD Combined. My long-term relationship (getting married!) is why the cleaning and hygiene has gotten so much better, I do it for him and for my animals and if I really force it I can get up enough gumption to take care of it/myself about 75% of the time now, if I'm not in a bad episode. Like I said, I'm getting married (this Halloween, it will also be our 5 year anniversary that day), and I have pets, 2 dogs, 3 cats, and a rabbit. I've gotten really good at caring for them well, and my fiance fills in the gaps. His support is the reason I'm alive and thriving as well as my amazing doc and therapist. It's hard sometimes for sure, but I don't do as poorly as I used to, and I honestly think I'm doing well. I'm proud of myself for the first time in a long time and I have been for awhile. But yeah. I also like to garden and craft and cook as hobbies, and walk in the park as long as my fiance is around because I get really paranoid on my own. My plate is pretty full right now, and sometimes I fall behind but I'm doing better each day. Thank you for letting me join your community. I've felt so alone with my diagnosis and having a sense of community is helpful. 🌸🌸🌸

Has anyone else had this kind of thing triggered by music, especially Dreamcore/Liminal Space Music?

I hate how much I crave it.

Has anyone had a similar experience with music? Especially dreamcore/liminal space music.