u/AppearanceFew7958

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We secretly got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — relationships, moving situations, dating drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was around 30.

At first I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then suddenly the whole group had opinions about our relationship.

At the same time, there were a lot of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, after we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but later I found out he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

Another girl in the friend group (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt dismissed instead of protected.

Then another girl in the group (“Claire”) leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer that still messes with my head: Ryan and I secretly eloped, but most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for almost 10 months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.” I had been laid off from tech at the time, so that comment really hurt and made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and some of them apparently didn’t even know we were married in the first place.

We even went to couples therapy, and during therapy Ryan would agree that the friend group dynamics were unhealthy and that Mark could be controlling. I genuinely thought we were working on the marriage together. But later, when he first brought up wanting to leave, he admitted he had been downplaying or hiding his real feelings in therapy to avoid conflict and not upset me, which honestly made me question reality a lot.

Meanwhile, while I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and I still cooked, cleaned, supported him through family deaths, integrated into his hobbies, built a home with him, etc.

At some point I became anxious and reactive because I constantly felt socially outnumbered and emotionally unsupported. Ryan wanted me to apologize to the friend group for lashing out, and I agreed that I would, but he never actually let me talk to them directly anyway. Eventually he left the marriage and went back fully into the friend group.

Now I genuinely can’t tell:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or did I become too insecure, jealous, reactive, and emotionally exhausting over time?

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We secretly got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — relationships, moving situations, dating drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was around 30.

At first I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then suddenly the whole group had opinions about our relationship.

At the same time, there were a lot of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, after we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but later I found out he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

Another girl in the friend group (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt dismissed instead of protected.

Then another girl in the group (“Claire”) leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer that still messes with my head: Ryan and I secretly eloped, but most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for almost 10 months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.” I had been laid off from tech at the time, so that comment really hurt and made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and some of them apparently didn’t even know we were married in the first place.

We even went to couples therapy, and during therapy Ryan would agree that the friend group dynamics were unhealthy and that Mark could be controlling. I genuinely thought we were working on the marriage together. But later, when he first brought up wanting to leave, he admitted he had been downplaying or hiding his real feelings in therapy to avoid conflict and not upset me, which honestly made me question reality a lot.

Meanwhile, while I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and I still cooked, cleaned, supported him through family deaths, integrated into his hobbies, built a home with him, etc.

At some point I became anxious and reactive because I constantly felt socially outnumbered and emotionally unsupported. Ryan wanted me to apologize to the friend group for lashing out, and I agreed that I would, but he never actually let me talk to them directly anyway. Eventually he left the marriage and went back fully into the friend group.

Now I genuinely can’t tell:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or did I become too insecure, jealous, reactive, and emotionally exhausting over time?

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We secretly got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — relationships, moving situations, dating drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was around 30.

At first I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then suddenly the whole group had opinions about our relationship.

At the same time, there were a lot of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, after we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but later I found out he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

Another girl in the friend group (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt dismissed instead of protected.

Then another girl in the group (“Claire”) leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer that still messes with my head: Ryan and I secretly eloped, but most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for almost 10 months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.” I had been laid off from tech at the time, so that comment really hurt and made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and some of them apparently didn’t even know we were married in the first place.

We even went to couples therapy, and during therapy Ryan would agree that the friend group dynamics were unhealthy and that Mark could be controlling. I genuinely thought we were working on the marriage together. But later, when he first brought up wanting to leave, he admitted he had been downplaying or hiding his real feelings in therapy to avoid conflict and not upset me, which honestly made me question reality a lot.

Meanwhile, while I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and I still cooked, cleaned, supported him through family deaths, integrated into his hobbies, built a home with him, etc.

At some point I became anxious and reactive because I constantly felt socially outnumbered and emotionally unsupported. Ryan wanted me to apologize to the friend group for lashing out, and I agreed that I would, but he never actually let me talk to them directly anyway. Eventually he left the marriage and went back fully into the friend group.

Now I genuinely can’t tell:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or did I become too insecure, jealous, reactive, and emotionally exhausting over time?

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage basically emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

Changing names obviously.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — who should date who, who was good for who, moving situations, relationship drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was pushing 30.

At first I brushed it off because I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then the entire friend group somehow knew and had opinions about it. It felt like I was “taking him away” from the group.

At the same time, there were a LOT of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, once we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but then later I found messages where he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

There were also multiple situations with girls in the friend group that made me uncomfortable. One girl (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt like I was made to feel crazy or insecure instead of protected.

Another girl in the group (“Claire”) later leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic literally within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer to this that still messes with my head: Ryan and I had actually eloped and secretly gotten married. Most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.”

I had been laid off from tech and was unemployed at the time, so that comment really hurt. It made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then after about 10 months, he finally told them we were married. But when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and they apparently hadn’t even known we were married in the first place.

That honestly broke my brain a little. Like I was important enough to secretly marry, but not important enough to openly stand beside publicly.

The hardest part is that I don’t even think Ryan was a horrible person. I think he was deeply conflict avoidant and emotionally dependent on this social ecosystem. He rarely defended me directly. He would avoid confrontation, smooth things over socially, or minimize things instead of creating boundaries.

While I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and he even delayed telling his friends we were married for almost 10 months. Eventually he left the marriage, and now I genuinely can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became too anxious/reactive over time.

We even went to couples therapy, and during therapy my husband would agree that the friend group dynamics were unhealthy and that his best friend could be controlling. I genuinely thought we were working on the marriage together. But later, when he first brought up wanting to leave, he admitted he had been downplaying or hiding his real feelings in therapy to avoid conflict and not upset me, which honestly made me question my reality a lot.

Then:
- the night before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was thinking about breaking up,
- another time right before I was leaving internationally,
- and finally we separated right before my birthday.

At some point I became so anxious/reactive that I barely recognized myself anymore. I was constantly trying to decode whether I was genuinely being disrespected or whether I had become paranoid and emotionally exhausting.

Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or was I just too insecure, jealous, reactive, and controlling over time?

Because honestly I still can’t tell anymore.

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage basically emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

Changing names obviously.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — who should date who, who was good for who, moving situations, relationship drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was pushing 30.

At first I brushed it off because I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then the entire friend group somehow knew and had opinions about it. It felt like I was “taking him away” from the group.

At the same time, there were a LOT of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, once we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but then later I found messages where he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

There were also multiple situations with girls in the friend group that made me uncomfortable. One girl (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt like I was made to feel crazy or insecure instead of protected.

Another girl in the group (“Claire”) later leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic literally within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer to this that still messes with my head: Ryan and I had actually eloped and secretly gotten married. Most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.”

I had been laid off from tech and was unemployed at the time, so that comment really hurt. It made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then after about 10 months, he finally told them we were married. But when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and they apparently hadn’t even known we were married in the first place.

That honestly broke my brain a little. Like I was important enough to secretly marry, but not important enough to openly stand beside publicly.

The hardest part is that I don’t even think Ryan was a horrible person. I think he was deeply conflict avoidant and emotionally dependent on this social ecosystem. He rarely defended me directly. He would avoid confrontation, smooth things over socially, or minimize things instead of creating boundaries.

While I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and he even delayed telling his friends we were married for almost 10 months. Eventually he left the marriage, and now I genuinely can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became too anxious/reactive over time.

We even went to couples therapy, and during therapy my husband would agree that the friend group dynamics were unhealthy and that his best friend could be controlling. I genuinely thought we were working on the marriage together. But later, when he first brought up wanting to leave, he admitted he had been downplaying or hiding his real feelings in therapy to avoid conflict and not upset me, which honestly made me question my reality a lot.

Then:
- the night before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was thinking about breaking up,
- another time right before I was leaving internationally,
- and finally we separated right before my birthday.

At some point I became so anxious/reactive that I barely recognized myself anymore. I was constantly trying to decode whether I was genuinely being disrespected or whether I had become paranoid and emotionally exhausting.

Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or was I just too insecure, jealous, reactive, and controlling over time?

Because honestly I still can’t tell anymore.

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage basically emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

Changing names obviously.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — who should date who, who was good for who, moving situations, relationship drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was pushing 30.

At first I brushed it off because I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then the entire friend group somehow knew and had opinions about it. It felt like I was “taking him away” from the group.

At the same time, there were a LOT of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, once we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but then later I found messages where he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

There were also multiple situations with girls in the friend group that made me uncomfortable. One girl (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt like I was made to feel crazy or insecure instead of protected.

Another girl in the group (“Claire”) later leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic literally within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer to this that still messes with my head: Ryan and I had actually eloped and secretly gotten married. Most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.”

I had been laid off from tech and was unemployed at the time, so that comment really hurt. It made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then after about 10 months, he finally told them we were married. But when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and they apparently hadn’t even known we were married in the first place.

That honestly broke my brain a little. Like I was important enough to secretly marry, but not important enough to openly stand beside publicly.

The hardest part is that I don’t even think Ryan was a horrible person. I think he was deeply conflict avoidant and emotionally dependent on this social ecosystem. He rarely defended me directly. He would avoid confrontation, smooth things over socially, or minimize things instead of creating boundaries.

While I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and he even delayed telling his friends we were married for almost 10 months. Eventually he left the marriage, and now I genuinely can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became too anxious/reactive over time.

Then:
- the night before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was thinking about breaking up,
- another time right before I was leaving internationally,
- and finally we separated right before my birthday.

At some point I became so anxious/reactive that I barely recognized myself anymore. I was constantly trying to decode whether I was genuinely being disrespected or whether I had become paranoid and emotionally exhausting.

Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or was I just too insecure, jealous, reactive, and controlling over time?

Because honestly I still can’t tell anymore.

Was I in a toxic marriage/friend group dynamic or was I just “too much”?

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage basically emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

Changing names obviously.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — who should date who, who was good for who, moving situations, relationship drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was pushing 30.

At first I brushed it off because I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then the entire friend group somehow knew and had opinions about it. It felt like I was “taking him away” from the group.

At the same time, there were a LOT of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, once we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but then later I found messages where he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

There were also multiple situations with girls in the friend group that made me uncomfortable. One girl (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt like I was made to feel crazy or insecure instead of protected.

Another girl in the group (“Claire”) later leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic literally within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer to this that still messes with my head: Ryan and I had actually eloped and secretly gotten married. Most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.”

I had been laid off from tech and was unemployed at the time, so that comment really hurt. It made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then after about 10 months, he finally told them we were married. But when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and they apparently hadn’t even known we were married in the first place.

That honestly broke my brain a little. Like I was important enough to secretly marry, but not important enough to openly stand beside publicly.

The hardest part is that I don’t even think Ryan was a horrible person. I think he was deeply conflict avoidant and emotionally dependent on this social ecosystem. He rarely defended me directly. He would avoid confrontation, smooth things over socially, or minimize things instead of creating boundaries.

While I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and he even delayed telling his friends we were married for almost 10 months. Eventually he left the marriage, and now I genuinely can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became too anxious/reactive over time.

Then:
- the night before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was thinking about breaking up,
- another time right before I was leaving internationally,
- and finally we separated right before my birthday.

At some point I became so anxious/reactive that I barely recognized myself anymore. I was constantly trying to decode whether I was genuinely being disrespected or whether I had become paranoid and emotionally exhausting.

Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or was I just too insecure, jealous, reactive, and controlling over time?

Because honestly I still can’t tell anymore.

Was I in a toxic marriage/friend group dynamic or was I just “too much”?

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage basically emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

Changing names obviously.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — who should date who, who was good for who, moving situations, relationship drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was pushing 30.

At first I brushed it off because I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then the entire friend group somehow knew and had opinions about it. It felt like I was “taking him away” from the group.

At the same time, there were a LOT of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, once we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but then later I found messages where he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

There were also multiple situations with girls in the friend group that made me uncomfortable. One girl (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt like I was made to feel crazy or insecure instead of protected.

Another girl in the group (“Claire”) later leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic literally within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer to this that still messes with my head: Ryan and I had actually eloped and secretly gotten married. Most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.”

I had been laid off from tech and was unemployed at the time, so that comment really hurt. It made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then after about 10 months, he finally told them we were married. But when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and they apparently hadn’t even known we were married in the first place.

That honestly broke my brain a little. Like I was important enough to secretly marry, but not important enough to openly stand beside publicly.

The hardest part is that I don’t even think Ryan was a horrible person. I think he was deeply conflict avoidant and emotionally dependent on this social ecosystem. He rarely defended me directly. He would avoid confrontation, smooth things over socially, or minimize things instead of creating boundaries.

While I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and he even delayed telling his friends we were married for almost 10 months. Eventually he left the marriage, and now I genuinely can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became too anxious/reactive over time.

We even went to couples therapy, and during therapy my husband would agree that the friend group dynamics were unhealthy and that his best friend could be controlling. I genuinely thought we were working on the marriage together. But later, when he first brought up wanting to leave, he admitted he had been downplaying or hiding his real feelings in therapy to avoid conflict and not upset me, which honestly made me question my reality a lot.

Then:
- the night before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was thinking about breaking up,
- another time right before I was leaving internationally,
- and finally we separated right before my birthday.

At some point I became so anxious/reactive that I barely recognized myself anymore. I was constantly trying to decode whether I was genuinely being disrespected or whether I had become paranoid and emotionally exhausting.

Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or was I just too insecure, jealous, reactive, and controlling over time?

Because honestly I still can’t tell anymore.

Was I in a toxic marriage/friend group dynamic or was I just “too much”?

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage basically emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

Changing names obviously.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — who should date who, who was good for who, moving situations, relationship drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was pushing 30.

At first I brushed it off because I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then the entire friend group somehow knew and had opinions about it. It felt like I was “taking him away” from the group.

At the same time, there were a LOT of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, once we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but then later I found messages where he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

There were also multiple situations with girls in the friend group that made me uncomfortable. One girl (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt like I was made to feel crazy or insecure instead of protected.

Another girl in the group (“Claire”) later leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic literally within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer to this that still messes with my head: Ryan and I had actually eloped and secretly gotten married. Most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.”

I had been laid off from tech and was unemployed at the time, so that comment really hurt. It made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then after about 10 months, he finally told them we were married. But when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and they apparently hadn’t even known we were married in the first place.

That honestly broke my brain a little. Like I was important enough to secretly marry, but not important enough to openly stand beside publicly.

The hardest part is that I don’t even think Ryan was a horrible person. I think he was deeply conflict avoidant and emotionally dependent on this social ecosystem. He rarely defended me directly. He would avoid confrontation, smooth things over socially, or minimize things instead of creating boundaries.

Meanwhile I was flying almost every week to see him for a YEAR while unemployed and financially struggling, while he only flew to see me a handful of times and usually after I asked. We still did 50/50 financially most of the time even while I was unemployed. I cooked, cleaned, supported him through family deaths, integrated into his hobbies, built a home with him, etc., and I kept feeling like I was asking for basic reassurance and prioritization.

Then:
- the night before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was thinking about breaking up,
- another time right before I was leaving internationally,
- and finally we separated right before my birthday.

At some point I became so anxious/reactive that I barely recognized myself anymore. I was constantly trying to decode whether I was genuinely being disrespected or whether I had become paranoid and emotionally exhausting.

Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or was I just too insecure, jealous, reactive, and controlling over time?

Because honestly I still can’t tell anymore.

TL;DR: Secretly married my husband after 2 years together, but his extremely enmeshed friend group constantly interfered in our relationship. His best friend got angry when he wanted to move in with me, there were ongoing blurry boundaries with other women, private texts got leaked by a mutual friend, and I increasingly felt unsupported and socially outnumbered by the group.

While I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and he even delayed telling his friends we were married for almost 10 months. Eventually he left the marriage, and now I genuinely can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became too anxious/reactive over time.

I’m 31F and currently separated from my husband (31M). We got married last year after dating for about 2 years, but the marriage basically emotionally imploded within months and I genuinely still can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became the toxic one over time.

Changing names obviously.

When I met “Ryan,” he lived with his best friend “Mark” and had this HUGE enmeshed friend group. Everyone was in everyone’s business constantly — who should date who, who was good for who, moving situations, relationship drama, dogs, breakups, all of it. Think emotionally intense college friend group dynamics except everyone was pushing 30.

At first I brushed it off because I thought once we got older/more serious, naturally our relationship would become more independent and mature. Instead, it felt like there were 10 people in my relationship.

Example: when Ryan told Mark he wanted to move out with me, Mark apparently yelled at him and acted betrayed even though Ryan was giving months of notice. Then the entire friend group somehow knew and had opinions about it. It felt like I was “taking him away” from the group.

At the same time, there were a LOT of blurry boundaries with women that slowly made me insecure and reactive.

Early in dating, I found out Ryan was still trying to see/hook up with his ex (“Rachel”) while dating me. Later, once we became official, I saw her Snapchat on his phone and got upset. He promised he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but then later I found messages where he told her he removed her because “I asked him to,” which made me look controlling, and then continued talking to her anyway.

There were also multiple situations with girls in the friend group that made me uncomfortable. One girl (“Anna”) was dating another guy in the group (“Jake”) and fully knew Ryan and I were together, but would still flirt physically with him in front of me (sitting on his lap, touching him, etc.). When I expressed discomfort, I felt like I was made to feel crazy or insecure instead of protected.

Another girl in the group (“Claire”) later leaked private texts where I vented negatively about Anna, which completely exploded the friend group dynamic literally within weeks of our marriage.

And here’s another layer to this that still messes with my head: Ryan and I had actually eloped and secretly gotten married. Most of his friend group didn’t even know we were married for months because he kept delaying telling them. I literally had to ask him multiple times to tell his friends we were married. At one point he told me he’d tell them “once I got a job.”

I had been laid off from tech and was unemployed at the time, so that comment really hurt. It made me feel like being publicly claimed as his wife was conditional somehow.

Then after about 10 months, he finally told them we were married. But when the marriage started collapsing, he brought Anna, Jake, and Mark together to tell them he was getting divorced… and they apparently hadn’t even known we were married in the first place.

That honestly broke my brain a little. Like I was important enough to secretly marry, but not important enough to openly stand beside publicly.

The hardest part is that I don’t even think Ryan was a horrible person. I think he was deeply conflict avoidant and emotionally dependent on this social ecosystem. He rarely defended me directly. He would avoid confrontation, smooth things over socially, or minimize things instead of creating boundaries.

While I was employed in tech and making good money, I was flying almost weekly to see him for over a year while he rarely reciprocated the effort. Later I got laid off, we still split things 50/50 most of the time, and he even delayed telling his friends we were married for almost 10 months. Eventually he left the marriage, and now I genuinely can’t tell if I was reacting to toxic dynamics or if I became too anxious/reactive over time.

We even went to couples therapy, and during therapy my husband would agree that the friend group dynamics were unhealthy and that his best friend could be controlling. I genuinely thought we were working on the marriage together. But later, when he first brought up wanting to leave, he admitted he had been downplaying or hiding his real feelings in therapy to avoid conflict and not upset me, which honestly made me question my reality a lot.

Then:
- the night before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was thinking about breaking up,
- another time right before I was leaving internationally,
- and finally we separated right before my birthday.

At some point I became so anxious/reactive that I barely recognized myself anymore. I was constantly trying to decode whether I was genuinely being disrespected or whether I had become paranoid and emotionally exhausting.

Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Was this actually a toxic/enmeshed relationship dynamic that slowly broke me down emotionally?
Or was I just too insecure, jealous, reactive, and controlling over time?

Because honestly I still can’t tell anymore.

Hi everyone, almost 3 months ago I moved out cuz my husband wants a divorce, how do I stop feeling this deep pit in my stomach , and a little nausea and just waking up with anxiety and loneliness.