u/Choice-Shoulder-3180

Is there any sub that's similar to the missed connections on Craigslist? I used to look through those pages all the time and it was so entertaining. Absolutely insane when they found the person, too!

I've looked for something similar and can't believe I haven't found anything like it on reddit! If this doesn't exist, is anyone out there that wants to make this happen with me? 😂

Edit: I'm getting a lot of suggestions for caffeine, eating/munching on something, open windows, etc. None of these work for me. Stimulants do nothing either. That's what makes this so bizarre to me, it seems less like REAL tiredness and more like my brain just shuts down. Thank you guys for taking the time to respond, though. ♥️

Scary title, I know, it's a scary situation. Before anyone stresses, since I've noticed this happening I literally do not drive anymore. I have an appointment with an amazing doctor that is set up for a month from now to address this as well as many other things. My body seems to be crashing and burning and this has been an unwelcome side effect.

So I'm 32F, slim build, no severe health issues that I'm aware of. I've taken a stimulant for my add for over a decade and no changes in other medication. I used to be the person who volunteered to drive everywhere all the time. Road trip with a 12 hour drive? No problem. Need to leave in the middle of the night? Even better, no traffic. That's why this sudden change has been so jarring for me.

It started about 2 years ago while driving to work. I had a half hour commute and was extremely used to it, but started to nod off here and there while driving and it was terrifying. What other option did I have in a city that doesn't use public transportation at all? I did what I could to take my adderall as close to my drive as possible but even that didn't help me and I would be doing everything I could to keep myself awake on these drives every single day. As soon as I got out of the car and went to work I was TOTALLY fine with just as much energy as I'd always had.

This started happening more and more any time I tried to drive. Time of the day doesn't matter at all, nothing seems to matter. My husband and I recently moved a four hour distance from home and I had no option but to drive. He was driving the Uhaul and trailering my car because it's lighter. I was driving his car. Even before we started the drive, I was having a mental breakdown because I knew I couldn't do it and everyone kept telling me it would be fine. By the third hour of the drive I was dying. I had called everyone I could think of to talk to and no one was free (talking on the phone seems to help me, a lot). I literally looked like a crazy person driving because I was talking to myself about my surroundings and how I was going to make it and mind over matter, etc. I did make it, but had a near anxious breakdown when I had to drive the car 5 minutes to drop off the uhual.

This is ruining my life, seriously. You never think about how crucial driving is until you can't. I've become some sort of an agorophobe, not out of fear of being outside of the house, but what it means to actually leave the house, aka, driving. I'm planning to have children in the next few years, but they deserve to be able to leave the house safely. I need to get a job in the new city, but I can't unless I can safely get there and back. Yes, Uber is a thing, an expensive thing, but since I have always been capable of driving I would much rather be able to find a solution. 😭

Anyone else experience this? Any ideas on the cause behind this?

Edit: I'm getting a lot of suggestions for caffeine, eating/munching on something, open windows, etc. None of these work for me. Stimulants do nothing either. That's what makes this so bizarre to me, it seems less like REAL tiredness and more like my brain just shuts down. Thank you guys for taking the time to respond, though. ♥️

Before anyone stresses, since I've noticed this happening I literally do not drive anymore. I have an appointment with an amazing doctor that is set up for a month from now to address this as well as many other things. My body seems to be crashing and burning and this has been an unwelcome side effect.

So I'm 32F, slim build, no severe health issues that I'm aware of. I've taken a stimulant for my add for over a decade and no changes in other medication. I used to be the person who volunteered to drive everywhere all the time. Road trip with a 12 hour drive? No problem. Need to leave in the middle of the night? Even better, no traffic. That's why this sudden change has been so jarring for me.

It started about 2 years ago while driving to work. I had a half hour commute and was extremely used to it, but started to nod off here and there while driving and it was terrifying. What other option did I have in a city that doesn't use public transportation at all? I did what I could to take my adderall as close to my drive as possible but even that didn't help me and I would be doing everything I could to keep myself awake on these drives every single day. As soon as I got out of the car and went to work I was TOTALLY fine with just as much energy as I'd always had.

This started happening more and more any time I tried to drive. Time of the day doesn't matter at all, nothing seems to matter. My husband and I recently moved a four hour distance from home and I had no option but to drive. He was driving the Uhaul and trailering my car because it's lighter. I was driving his car. Even before we started the drive, I was having a mental breakdown because I knew I couldn't do it and everyone kept telling me it would be fine. By the third hour of the drive I was dying. I had called everyone I could think of to talk to and no one was free (talking on the phone seems to help me, a lot). I literally looked like a crazy person driving because I was talking to myself about my surroundings and how I was going to make it and mind over matter, etc. I did make it, but had a near anxious breakdown when I had to drive the car 5 minutes to drop off the uhual.

This is ruining my life, seriously. You never think about how crucial driving is until you can't. I've become some sort of an agorophobe, not out of fear of being outside of the house, but what it means to actually leave the house, aka, driving. I'm planning to have children in the next few years, but they deserve to be able to leave the house safely. I need to get a job in the new city, but I can't unless I can safely get there and back. Yes, Uber is a thing, an expensive thing, but since I have always been capable of driving I would much rather be able to find a solution. 😭

Anyone else experience this? Any ideas on the cause behind this?

Also posted in the THT sub, but would love as many opinions as possible, thank you!

Context that isn't crucial to the story: I (32F) was good friends with a girl (33F)when I was about 18. She introduced me to a guy that I dated for several years and things got weird, she got territorial and of course I found out that she slept with him at some point during our relationship. I'm 32 now so I really have no feelings about that and am fine having her on my social media. I deleted my Instagram for three years (not because of her by any means, just a good decision for my life) and recently got back on and use it maybe once a week for five minutes.

So, in case you weren't aware, apparently yesterday was "National Breastfeeding Day." How did I find out? Because this girl (probably should give her a name so let's name her Kate) chooses to make an Instagram post to celebrate the day every single year and when I hopped on Instagram, the first thing I saw was her bare chest. I am not the type to have opinions on other people's lives, at all. I don't share much because I don't really care to hear others opinions on mine either. My opinion is that if something doesn't directly affect you, don't involve yourself. Yet, here I am, being a total hypocrite and getting slightly bothered by something that doesn't affect me in any way.

Why am I bothered by someone breastfeeding? Generally I'm not at all, I plan to breastfeed when I have kids. So why was I bothered by the post? I had to think about this pretty deeply. For one, again, this is none of my business, but her oldest is 4 years old. She has pictures of herself breastfeeding him and her youngest (\~1) at the same time. For context, she has three kids total, these two and one that is somewhere in the middle (2-3). There is something very startling about seeing this little boy who isn't a baby anymore standing up and breastfeeding next to his baby sibling. Last year (yes I looked back), she included a video of him walking across the couch and then laying down to nurse. Granted, he was three then, but seeing a kid who can basically walk up and ask his mom for the tit is a bit jarring. Additionally, these are not tasteful photos. They range from showing a little boob to having it fully on display.

Here are my own thoughts. It feels exploitative, there's no way around that. I would be horrified to grow up and realize that my mom had posted pictures to the world of me breastfeeding at 4 years old, or honestly at any age. It seems to be done totally for the attention and it feels gross to me that this is how she chooses to seek that attention. She also included in the post that she sees "no end in sight" for this, so what does that mean for the 4 year old ultimately? I feel like this could be something that deeply emotionally affects him eventually, because instead of choosing to wean him off when he was still totally dependent on her to make decisions for him, he now has his own thoughts, his own feelings, and will actually feel some sort of impact when she chooses to stop allowing this for him. Her mom had 8 children total, I believe, so I see her following the same pattern. How is he going to feel when he sees his siblings getting to do something that he can no longer do to feel close to mom?

I am truly bothered by the fact that this bothers me so much. I feel like it's an indicator that something is wrong here. I am about as big of a fan of the female body as anyone could be. I worked at, and ended up managing a lingerie store for a total of nearly 14 years. I am comfortable seeing breasts of every shape and size and I think they're all beautiful and an important, beyond important part of a woman's body. Maybe that's the issue? I've worked in a highly sexualized setting for my entire adult life starting at 18, so maybe my brain is trained to see things more sexually than they're intended. I am so supportive of breast feeding and feeling connected to your child through it, I'm also supportive of women who choose not to or are unable to. If you choose to breastfeed and want to take pictures to remember the sweet moments, by all means, do it because you'll never have this time back. I just feel like it's something that you would normally keep between yourself and your family, instead of taking them with the intention to share with the Internet.

I want to hear your opinions on the situation. I've chosen to mute her for the time being, so I don't need advice on what to do in regards to her specifically. I just want an opinion from all the different people of reddit. Is this normal, is it not? I spoke to two different friends about it last night that called it abuse, is that too far? Let me hear your thoughts and, if you're comfortable with it, let me know in the comments how old you are and if you have kids so that I can understand your demographic better. Thank you!!

Hi THT fam!

I spent a while last night thinking about who to ask to get opinions for a specific circumstance and just realized I'm in the perfect sub for opinions. I know this is a polarizing discussion and I'm totally open to hearing any and all opinions.

Context that isn't crucial to the story: I (32F) was good friends with a girl (33F)when I was about 18. She introduced me to a guy that I dated for several years and things got weird, she got territorial and of course I found out that she slept with him at some point during our relationship. I'm 32 now so I really have no feelings about that and am fine having her on my social media. I deleted my Instagram for three years (not because of her by any means, just a good decision for my life) and recently got back on and use it maybe once a week for five minutes.

So, in case you weren't aware, apparently yesterday was "National Breastfeeding Day." How did I find out? Because this girl (probably should give her a name so let's name her Kate) chooses to make an Instagram post to celebrate the day every single year and when I hopped on Instagram, the first thing I saw was her bare chest. I am not the type to have opinions on other people's lives, at all. I don't share much because I don't really care to hear others opinions on mine either. My opinion is that if something doesn't directly affect you, don't involve yourself. Yet, here I am, being a total hypocrite and getting slightly bothered by something that doesn't affect me in any way.

Why am I bothered by someone breastfeeding? Generally I'm not at all, I plan to breastfeed when I have kids. So why was I bothered by the post? I had to think about this pretty deeply. For one, again, this is none of my business, but her oldest is 4 years old. She has pictures of herself breastfeeding him and her youngest (~1) at the same time. For context, she has three kids total, these two and one that is somewhere in the middle (2-3). There is something very startling about seeing this little boy who isn't a baby anymore standing up and breastfeeding next to his baby sibling. Last year (yes I looked back), she included a video of him walking across the couch and then laying down to nurse. Granted, he was three then, but seeing a kid who can basically walk up and ask his mom for the tit is a bit jarring. Additionally, these are not tasteful photos. They range from showing a little boob to having it fully on display.

Here are my own thoughts. It feels exploitative, there's no way around that. I would be horrified to grow up and realize that my mom had posted pictures to the world of me breastfeeding at 4 years old, or honestly at any age. It seems to be done totally for the attention and it feels gross to me that this is how she chooses to seek that attention. She also included in the post that she sees "no end in sight" for this, so what does that mean for the 4 year old ultimately? I feel like this could be something that deeply emotionally affects him eventually, because instead of choosing to wean him off when he was still totally dependent on her to make decisions for him, he now has his own thoughts, his own feelings, and will actually feel some sort of impact when she chooses to stop allowing this for him. Her mom had 8 children total, I believe, so I see her following the same pattern. How is he going to feel when he sees his siblings getting to do something that he can no longer do to feel close to mom?

I am truly bothered by the fact that this bothers me so much. I feel like it's an indicator that something is wrong here. I am about as big of a fan of the female body as anyone could be. I worked at, and ended up managing a lingerie store for a total of nearly 14 years. I am comfortable seeing breasts of every shape and size and I think they're all beautiful and an important, beyond important part of a woman's body. Maybe that's the issue? I've worked in a highly sexualized setting for my entire adult life starting at 18, so maybe my brain is trained to see things more sexually than they're intended. I am so supportive of breast feeding and feeling connected to your child through it, I'm also supportive of women who choose not to or are unable to. If you choose to breastfeed and want to take pictures to remember the sweet moments, by all means, do it because you'll never have this time back. I just feel like it's something that you would normally keep between yourself and your family, instead of taking them with the intention to share with the Internet.

I want to hear your opinions on the situation. I've chosen to mute her for the time being, so I don't need advice on what to do in regards to her specifically. I just want an opinion from all the different people of reddit. Is this normal, is it not? I spoke to two different friends about it last night that called it abuse, is that too far? Let me hear your thoughts and, if you're comfortable with it, let me know in the comments how old you are and if you have kids so that I can understand your demographic better. Thank you!!

ETA: I am so, so sorry everyone, I totally dropped the ball! I was so excited to do this and posted it, but ended up eating after posting and ended up with a bad stomach ache and falling asleep. 😭 Thank you for being patient with me and thank you for being willing to share something with an internet stranger. I appreciate the responses and am looking forward to reading and responding. 🤍

I will respond to everything that is posted in the next few hours, promise.

Let's do something unusual and start some conversations that skip the small talk and get directly to the point. I've been missing conversations with depth lately. Its hard to get there with people! Maybe the time together is too short, you don't know them well enough, you're worried about what they will say, etc. Tell me what's been on your mind lately that you normally wouldn't lead a conversation with.

I'm confident that I'm not alone in missing true connections about meaningful topics. I would love to hear what's been on everyone's mind lately that they haven't been able to share. Let's have a real conversation that matters to you.

Hiii everyone!

I miss learning things about other people. I miss engaging conversations. I miss humans (weird, I know).

You don't even have to read that- just tell me something!

No matter how big, small, important, useless it is, I will answer you. It may not be immediate, but I promise I will talk to you about whatever you tell me on here.

Proud of something? Sad about something? Heard an interesting fact? Wanna gossip? Need advice? Have a question about me? Learned something new? Want some honesty about a situation? Need someone to hype you up? I'm here for it all!

I am craving some conversation and motivation to get me through my final unpacking stage of a recent move. I want to set my phone down, get things done, and come back to some fun conversations!

Lastly, I will be kind, so please be kind too. :)

Quick edit: I meant to include that we have been broken up for several years (since 2023) and I am now married to a man that was a good friend of mine for a long time and treats me kindly. This just popped in my head today as a memory and I got so heated thinking back on it.

A specific situation recently came to mind and I'm curious what you would've thought if you were a friend of mine and watched this happen. Any and all thoughts are welcome!

I began a new relationship in 2020, we were both 27 at the time. For context, I'm a talkative person. I love conversing in general and learning about others, as well as sharing my experiences. If you're in my life, you know this about me from day one.

Anyway, a month or two into the relationship, my boyfriend (Brian) had a day where he was really tired and I kept bringing up new topics without realizing that he truly wasn't up for a conversation because he kept responding. He wanted to lay down and rest for a bit and said something like "Can I just put you on Snooze for like 20 minutes and then we can go back to talking?" I was like yeah of course, that's an interesting way to say "hey I need some quiet time for 20 minutes" but I found it funny.

Over the next few months he continued the "snooze" concept, but it gradually changed from putting me on snooze when he needed to rest, to snoozing me when he just didn't care about what I was saying. He would tap me on the head and say "SNOOZE- 10 minutes" or whatever length of time he thought he needed. If I talked during that time, at all, he would "reset the timer" and I would have to be silent for another 10 minutes from that point. I didn't think much of it until he started doing it around other people.

If I was telling a story he didn't care about he would "snooze" me in the middle of it. If I had an opinion that differed from what he thought- snooze. If we were watching TV and I had something to say about what was happening, I was snoozed. I know I'm an idiot for letting it happen, but what's the point in continuing to say something when your partner has made it perfectly clear that they don't care? He would do it in front of his friends and they thought it was hilarious. I brought it up a few times like "hey, it's actually embarrassing when you do that in front of people. Its like punishing me for trying to be personable with your friends." He told me that he did it because I was embarrassing myself by telling stories that no one cared about, so he was trying to save me from the embarrassment and himself the second hand embarrassment.

He eventually did it in front of everyone we interacted with, including his family, my family and my friends. I would be saying something perfectly normal and then he'd loudly yell "SNOOZE" and tap my head. My friends, reasonably had no idea what was happening and I "wasn't allowed" to explain it until the time was up. Ironically, most of my friends are introverts (we balance each other nicely) and kept their opinions to themselves and I was oblivious as to what they were thinking because it was so normalized to me. Finally, it happened in front of a friend one night and she popped off saying "Can you fucking not? I'm trying to talk to my friend in MY house and unlike you, I care about what she's saying. If you don't care to listen then you're free to leave but you're not going to choose whether or not she can talk when she's at my house." He absolutely hated this friend after that. I started asking my other friends if it bothered them and, of course, they all said the same thing- essentially "he thinks it's funny but it's not fucking funny, it's rude and controlling." They hadn't spoken up in the moment because this showed them how controlling he was and they were scared of his reaction for my sake.

That was longer than I intended, typical of a talker like me haha. If you read this, I really appreciate it. I'm so curious what your immediate thoughts would be if you saw this happen to your own friend? It took me way too long to realize that he did this as a way to control me in front of it others without looking like the bad guy. He intentionally made it look like something funny we do at home all the time, but looking back it's just so painfully obvious to me that he knew what he was doing and I'm so surprised that it took so long for someone to call him on it. This goes without saying, but this was just a microscopic glance into what was happening behind closed doors where his mission was to control every single thing about me and do what he could to change my entire personality.

Did anyone else experience anything similar with their abuse? Did your partner have a way of inserting control while in front of others that looked harmless? I'm truly so curious because now that I've seen it for what it is, I feel like others must have experienced it too.

​

Edit:

Here's an edit with everything I clearly should've included from the beginning. It will be long and I know that will be an issue for some people, you don't have to read it.

Most of this has been said in my comments back to you guys, but this will put it all in one place. First things first- you guys are being so grumpy for no reason, I truly don't understand what about this was so offensive to so many of you but I'm genuinely sorry for upsetting you. My goal in posting this was to show what I did because it worked so well for me and hopefully someone else would find an approach like this useful in planning their own bachelorette in the future.

I posted it in this group specifically because I'm assuming that most of you are or have been bridesmaids at some point, but I don't think that's accurate based on the responses. When I was deciding on what to do for my own bachelorette, I had bachelorette burn out big time. I've been to several bachelorette weekends that have been draining from the time I got there to the time I left. I've had to spend hundreds on new clothes. I've had to spend money to do things that I would never choose to do. I lost a friend over the fact that I chose to leave a club early one night of the trip to go to the Air BNB because I was tired. I lost a friend because I couldn't financially afford the trip with all the additional requirements for new clothes, eating out, financially covering the bride etc. I did not want to put my friends in any position where they felt like they couldn't enjoy it, couldn't afford it, felt excluded or overwhelmed. I wanted them to have as much fun as I did without having to deal with me getting mad about anything that didn't go my way. I really thought that this group would know that feeling.

You guys have been acting like it was crazy to invite my friends to a trip for several days. I really don't know the age range or demographic of anyone on here, but this is how every single bachelorette of every person I know has been planned. I'm not exaggerating or generalizing- I don't know a single person who hasn't had a huge trip planned. I was 30 at the time, so maybe that has something to do with it. It was an invitation and they were allowed to say no. They were allowed to come for a long or as short as they wanted to. One of them did say no, she had something planned for those dates already and that was perfectly okay! No one had to take PTO if they didn't want to, no one was forced to come, the decision of whether or not they wanted to come was completely up to them. The only person I knew for sure would be there was one of my 2 maids of honor. I was planning on not having a bachelorette at all, but friends kept saying I needed to and I gave in. I hadn't been on a vacation in a long time and going with my favorite people would make it even better.

The rest of this is going to be bullet points to keep things short, it that's even possible, but before that I'm going to address one more thing. I didn't want to share this in the original post because I didn't think it was important, but apparently it is. Once I had everyone's ideal budget and we figured out where we were going, I realized that I would be able to financially cover the entire trip for everyone. If people had wanted to go somewhere exotic, I couldn't have done that. But, with the chosen place, I was able to pay for the Air BNB, the food, the drinks, etc. We stayed home at the air BNB for most of the trip because it had a pool, so food was easy and no one had to spend a dime of their own money unless they wanted to go shopping, grab a souvenir, whatever else. I didn't mention this because I know it's not realistic for everyone and I'm thankful that I was in a place that I could do this for my friends at the time. It didn't sit right with me to ask them to come celebrate and still expect them to pay. I've paid so much on my prior trips including covering the bride completely and that's not what I wanted to happen.

-The PTO issue/length of the trip. I told everyone they could come late/leave early/stay the whole time, whatever worked best for them. Three of the girls have unlimited PTO at their job and I did too at the time. I had 4 girls total that came. The only one who didn't have unlimited PTO was my best friend from the time we are 9. I hadnt even thought about this, but actually PTO only affected one person.

-I would have loved to have done a dinner for everyone. The reason I decided on something longer is because no one lives in the same area aside from two of them. We ended up having the weekend near their location, so everyone else drove to them. At the time, I didn't live in the same city as any of them and was at least 3+ hours away. That's too long of a drive for dinner.

-I decided to take trips to see the two girls across the country and spend time with them that way so they didn't have to pay for travel.

-I said no gifts. That meant for any event involving my wedding, not the bachelorette. I was not expecting bachelorette gifts as everyone was assuming. I didnt want anyone to feel obligated to purchase anything for us because we were fine. I included "no gifts please" on the invitation and a few people were kind enough to ask if there was a place they could donate to instead, that was perfect! We should've included that on the invitation, honestly. I did not have a bridal shower for the same reason. This was the only event I had outside of my (tiny) wedding.

-I had two MOH's. I helped one plan the trip at the beginning because my other MOH had lost her mom at the end of the previous year and I didn't want her to have extra responsibilities. No, she wasn't forced to come. This girl is my absolute best friend, over 20 years, and she went out of her way to tell me she definitely wanted to be there. I was involved because I didn't want anyone to have to share anything personal with the MOH if they weren't able to make it because they don't know her. Also, in order to pay for everything, I had to help. No one felt like this was weird and I've always been invited by the bride themselves, so I'm not sure if there's a cultural disconnect with that one or not, because I think it's completely normal.

-I am able to assert myself with no issues. For four out of the six girls invited, I met them at work and I was their boss for several years before we became close friend. I was the "tough one" because I'm very type A and had high expectations for my team. Even though we've been friends for so long, I wanted to let them know that I wasn't going to be on "go mode" like I am at work. They've all seen me work myself nearly to death and they are big on making me relax. I was making it clear that work me wasn't going to come out on this trip.

-Im not attempting to look "chill" or "laid back." I'm not trying to look cooler than other brides. I'm not being a pick me. I have never cared about a wedding or anything that comes with it from the time I was little, the trip is included with that. I wanted to spend time with my favorite people that was relaxed and we weren't jumping from event to event. I wanted to spend time actually getting to see them and talk to them because I'll never have all of my favorite people in one place again. I've been to bachelorettes where Ive traveled and feel like I barely got to actually talk to the bride at any point. I wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to really connect with everyone there and ensure they felt valued and appreciated. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't enjoy all eyes being on me, so I made an effort to avoid all of that extra stuff and just have a fun trip together.

-I didn't rank my friends by choosing bridesmaids. These were the only girls I even cared to have at our wedding. They were technically like "honorary bridesmaids" because my wedding was so tiny. The two MOH's are the only ones that actually walked down the aisle and they didn't even stand beside me, they sat down. I chose them because they've both been in my life over 20 years, I don't think anyone was offended by that. One of the girls was our officient. My husband didn't have a bridal party at all. The girls were allowed to wear whatever they wanted, no one got their hair and makeup done, we just got ready together and called it a day. I had an absolutely tiny micro wedding with about 25 people total, no ones feelings were hurt and I think they all felt valued.

- I don't have any social media aside from Reddit and haven't in a long time. None of what I did was to prove anything on social media at all.

-Forgot to mention this earlier, but the initial text I sent was in order to figure out where we were going out of three potential options. It didn't have details because I wanted to feel out what other people were thinking and how many people were going to be there. No one was left questioning what we were doing. We had a loose agenda and people were free to really do whatever they wanted if they wanted to spend more time away from the house.

I think I've covered everything that needed to be covered. I don't think I'm better than anyone. Never thought this would be a perfect fix for anyone. I don't judge people who want a more flashy bachelorette and I don't judge people who don't have a bachelorette. My goal was to make my friends feel valued and show them how much it means to me that they've been along for the ride and are still there to support me at my wedding. There may or may not be other people out there like me who feel pressured to stick to the norm and want to do something more relaxed and this is who this post was intended for. I am so beyond thankful for my friends who saw my invitation and acted completely normal and excited, clearly we all must think very differently the people of reddit and I'm good with that. The trip was two years ago, it was great, and it's done.

Whew, hope I addressed everyone's concerns.

Original Post:

So two years ago I was planning my bachelorette party with the help of my MOH and thought it best to send a detailed list of expectations to my bridesmaids before hand- this is what it said.

"Hiii!

So I'm planning a very small bachelorette get away May 15-19, destination to be determined because I would love to hear some ideas from everyone who can make it.

I want it to be the least bachelorette bach trip there ever was- no dumb matching outfits, no itinerary, no expectations for anyone. I just want it to be a fun time with my favorite people. It is TOTALLY okay if you can't make it, life is life and I know people have priorities and finances to be considered. I will keep you all updated with any decisions regarding where we're staying, etc because I do not want to put anyone finances in jeopardy. I just wanna have fun on the beach with my friends.

I will still love you just as much if you can't make it and plzzzz don't feel like you have to get me any gifts. I just want it to be a non stressful good time. If any of you want to plan something amongst yourselves, plz feel free. It'll be your vacation, and I'll just be there happy regardless. I'm not inviting many people at all, just my true few, so just let me know if you think this will be doable for you! And yes I did send the same message to everyone, go ahead and call me out on it. 😂😂"

This is it. This is what I sent. After reading all of the horror stories on reddit about crazy expectations from friends who turn into bridezillas, I went back and found what I wrote and audibly laughed because I still worried that this text was asking too much. I've had bridesmaids that ended up thanking me so much later down the road for how I approached my trip, saying how much I relieved their stress about the wedding activities, and I'm so happy that I took this approach.

Brides out there- remember that your bridesmaids are not your personal servants/assistants/etc. They are your best friends! Treat them with respect and be reasonable with requests. I am still close with every single one of my bridesmaids, so I promise- it can be done! I'm not saying this to boost my own ego, I promise. I'm just reminding everyone that it certainly doesn't have to be a stressful event. Be kind to each other :)

Edit: Here's an edit with everything I clearly should've included from the beginning. It will be long and I know that will be an issue for some people, you don't have to read it.

Most of this has been said in my comments back to you guys, but this will put it all in one place. First things first- you guys are being so grumpy for no reason, I truly don't understand what about this was so offensive to so many of you but I'm genuinely sorry for upsetting you. My goal in posting this was to show what I did because it worked so well for me and hopefully someone else would find an approach like this useful in planning their own bachelorette in the future.

I posted it in this group specifically because I'm assuming that most of you are or have been bridesmaids at some point, but I don't think that's accurate based on the responses. When I was deciding on what to do for my own bachelorette, I had bachelorette burn out big time. I've been to several bachelorette weekends that have been draining from the time I got there to the time I left. I've had to spend hundreds on new clothes. I've had to spend money to do things that I would never choose to do. I lost a friend over the fact that I chose to leave a club early one night of the trip to go to the Air BNB because I was tired. I lost a friend because I couldn't financially afford the trip with all the additional requirements for new clothes, eating out, financially covering the bride etc. I did not want to put my friends in any position where they felt like they couldn't enjoy it, couldn't afford it, felt excluded or overwhelmed. I wanted them to have as much fun as I did without having to deal with me getting mad about anything that didn't go my way. I really thought that this group would know that feeling.

You guys have been acting like it was crazy to invite my friends to a trip for several days. I really don't know the age range or demographic of anyone on here, but this is how every single bachelorette of every person I know has been planned. I'm not exaggerating or generalizing- I don't know a single person who hasn't had a huge trip planned. I was 30 at the time, so maybe that has something to do with it. It was an invitation and they were allowed to say no. They were allowed to come for a long or as short as they wanted to. One of them did say no, she had something planned for those dates already and that was perfectly okay! No one had to take PTO if they didn't want to, no one was forced to come, the decision of whether or not they wanted to come was completely up to them. The only person I knew for sure would be there was one of my 2 maids of honor. I was planning on not having a bachelorette at all, but friends kept saying I needed to and I gave in. I hadn't been on a vacation in a long time and going with my favorite people would make it even better.

The rest of this is going to be bullet points to keep things short, it that's even possible, but before that I'm going to address one more thing. I didn't want to share this in the original post because I didn't think it was important, but apparently it is. Once I had everyone's ideal budget and we figured out where we were going, I realized that I would be able to financially cover the entire trip for everyone. If people had wanted to go somewhere exotic, I couldn't have done that. But, with the chosen place, I was able to pay for the Air BNB, the food, the drinks, etc. We stayed home at the air BNB for most of the trip because it had a pool, so food was easy and no one had to spend a dime of their own money unless they wanted to go shopping, grab a souvenir, whatever else. I didn't mention this because I know it's not realistic for everyone and I'm thankful that I was in a place that I could do this for my friends at the time. It didn't sit right with me to ask them to come celebrate and still expect them to pay. I've paid so much on my prior trips including covering the bride completely and that's not what I wanted to happen.

-The PTO issue/length of the trip. I told everyone they could come late/leave early/stay the whole time, whatever worked best for them. Three of the girls have unlimited PTO at their job and I did too at the time. I had 4 girls total that came. The only one who didn't have unlimited PTO was my best friend from the time we are 9. I hadnt even thought about this, but actually PTO only affected one person.

-I would have loved to have done a dinner for everyone. The reason I decided on something longer is because no one lives in the same area aside from two of them. We ended up having the weekend near their location, so everyone else drove to them. At the time, I didn't live in the same city as any of them and was at least 3+ hours away. That's too long of a drive for dinner.

-I decided to take trips to see the two girls across the country and spend time with them that way so they didn't have to pay for travel.

-I said no gifts. That meant for any event involving my wedding, not the bachelorette. I was not expecting bachelorette gifts as everyone was assuming. I didnt want anyone to feel obligated to purchase anything for us because we were fine. I included "no gifts please" on the invitation and a few people were kind enough to ask if there was a place they could donate to instead, that was perfect! We should've included that on the invitation, honestly. I did not have a bridal shower for the same reason. This was the only event I had outside of my (tiny) wedding.

-I had two MOH's. I helped one plan the trip at the beginning because my other MOH had lost her mom at the end of the previous year and I didn't want her to have extra responsibilities. No, she wasn't forced to come. This girl is my absolute best friend, over 20 years, and she went out of her way to tell me she definitely wanted to be there. I was involved because I didn't want anyone to have to share anything personal with the MOH if they weren't able to make it because they don't know her. Also, in order to pay for everything, I had to help. No one felt like this was weird and I've always been invited by the bride themselves, so I'm not sure if there's a cultural disconnect with that one or not, because I think it's completely normal.

-I am able to assert myself with no issues. For four out of the six girls invited, I met them at work and I was their boss for several years before we became close friend. I was the "tough one" because I'm very type A and had high expectations for my team. Even though we've been friends for so long, I wanted to let them know that I wasn't going to be on "go mode" like I am at work. They've all seen me work myself nearly to death and they are big on making me relax. I was making it clear that work me wasn't going to come out on this trip.

-Im not attempting to look "chill" or "laid back." I'm not trying to look cooler than other brides. I'm not being a pick me. I have never cared about a wedding or anything that comes with it from the time I was little, the trip is included with that. I wanted to spend time with my favorite people that was relaxed and we weren't jumping from event to event. I wanted to spend time actually getting to see them and talk to them because I'll never have all of my favorite people in one place again. I've been to bachelorettes where Ive traveled and feel like I barely got to actually talk to the bride at any point. I wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to really connect with everyone there and ensure they felt valued and appreciated. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't enjoy all eyes being on me, so I made an effort to avoid all of that extra stuff and just have a fun trip together.

-I didn't rank my friends by choosing bridesmaids. These were the only girls I even cared to have at our wedding. They were technically like "honorary bridesmaids" because my wedding was so tiny. The two MOH's are the only ones that actually walked down the aisle and they didn't even stand beside me, they sat down. I chose them because they've both been in my life over 20 years, I don't think anyone was offended by that. One of the girls was our officient. My husband didn't have a bridal party at all. The girls were allowed to wear whatever they wanted, no one got their hair and makeup done, we just got ready together and called it a day. I had an absolutely tiny micro wedding with about 25 people total, no ones feelings were hurt and I think they all felt valued.

• I don't have any social media aside from Reddit and haven't in a long time. None of what I did was to prove anything on social media at all.

-Forgot to mention this earlier, but the initial text I sent was in order to figure out where we were going out of three potential options. It didn't have details because I wanted to feel out what other people were thinking and how many people were going to be there. No one was left questioning what we were doing. We had a loose agenda and people were free to really do whatever they wanted if they wanted to spend more time away from the house.

I think I've covered everything that needed to be covered. I don't think I'm better than anyone. Never thought this would be a perfect fix for anyone. I don't judge people who want a more flashy bachelorette and I don't judge people who don't have a bachelorette. My goal was to make my friends feel valued and show them how much it means to me that they've been along for the ride and are still there to support me at my wedding. There may or may not be other people out there like me who feel pressured to stick to the norm and want to do something more relaxed and this is who this post was intended for. I am so beyond thankful for my friends who saw my invitation and acted completely normal and excited, clearly we all must think very differently the people of reddit and I'm good with that. The trip was two years ago, it was great, and it's done.

Whew, hope I addressed everyone's concerns.

Original Post:

So two years ago I was planning my bachelorette party with the help of my MOH and thought it best to send a detailed list of expectations to my bridesmaids before hand- this is what it said.

"Hiii!

So I'm planning a very small bachelorette get away May 15-19, destination to be determined because I would love to hear some ideas from everyone who can make it.

I want it to be the least bachelorette bach trip there ever was- no dumb matching outfits, no itinerary, no expectations for anyone. I just want it to be a fun time with my favorite people. It is TOTALLY okay if you can't make it, life is life and I know people have priorities and finances to be considered. I will keep you all updated with any decisions regarding where we're staying, etc because I do not want to put anyone finances in jeopardy. I just wanna have fun on the beach with my friends.

I will still love you just as much if you can't make it and plzzzz don't feel like you have to get me any gifts. I just want it to be a non stressful good time. If any of you want to plan something amongst yourselves, plz feel free. It'll be your vacation, and I'll just be there happy regardless. I'm not inviting many people at all, just my true few, so just let me know if you think this will be doable for you! And yes I did send the same message to everyone, go ahead and call me out on it. 😂😂"

This is it. This is what I sent. After reading all of the horror stories on reddit about crazy expectations from friends who turn into bridezillas, I went back and found what I wrote and audibly laughed because I still worried that this text was asking too much. I've had bridesmaids that ended up thanking me so much later down the road for how I approached my trip, saying how much I relieved their stress about the wedding activities, and I'm so happy that I took this approach.

Brides out there- remember that your bridesmaids are not your personal servants/assistants/etc. They are your best friends! Treat them with respect and be reasonable with requests. I am still close with every single one of my bridesmaids, so I promise- it can be done! I'm not saying this to boost my own ego, I promise. I'm just reminding everyone that it certainly doesn't have to be a stressful event. Be kind to each other :)

Hi reddit!

I originally wrote this post with a way too long intro to give some backstory and context, but it was SO long that I deleted it. I broke it down to bullet points and it's still too long, I'm long winded I guess. Essentially my MIL is a good person at her core, I don't hate her, but don't know how to handle her either. I have had extreme anxiety every time we plan to do anything with his parents and recently my physical symptoms present themselves so intensely in these situations that I KNOW I have to figure out how to handle things at this point.

-I have had a really devastating few years regarding my health, this all started soon after my now husband "Jake" (33m) and I (32f) started dating. I have not always been like this, but since they've known me I have constantly had issues. I've had 6 surgeries in the time that we've been together and also have an autoimmune disease. She has never said that she doesn't believe me, but there is a very clear air of doubt that comes from her. The first 5 surgeries were all on the same issue, which the doctors said was a medical anomaly and I could've never seen it coming. The last one was simply getting my gallbladder removed (I waited way too long to go to the doctor and my surgeon said it was one of the worst surgeries he's done in his entire career.

The week before I went to the doctor I went with my husband to visit his parents. I was fine on the trip but soon after we got there I had a terrible gallbladder attack and had to lay down the entire day. My husband said they continued to ask when I would be down to spend time with them, acting like I was choosing to ignore them. This is incredibly common. I have good days and bad days with my autoimmune issues and the same conversations take place if I have to take it easy for the day. Its to the point where one of my main concerns with seeing his parents is whether or not I will feel well that day even though I have no way of planning for that. I'm made to feel guilty if I need to listen to my body. I would not choose to lay in bed all day if I didn't absolutely need to, I feel like that's obvious but she has made comments about me avoiding them many times. She also blows off and minimizes my pain every. single. time. Its always "I'm sure it's nothing!" "You're fine!" "I bet if you got up and walked around you'd feel better!" When I was having my gallbladder attack she was so skeptical asking how I would even know it's gallbladder pain, offering me Tylenol (?) because she was sure it wasn't serious, asked how I was fine at one moment and sick the next. This is so, so frustrating to me because I try not to make a big deal and accept that my body just hates me lately and just quietly go lay down, but it always turns into a big conversation that's so dramatic and uncalled for.

-On that topic, I'm deathly allergic to peanuts and have always been. It bothers me 0%. I don't care that I can't eat them because I've never had them so I don't even know what I'm missing out on. I don't know WHERE this disconnect is, but she DOES NOT understand it. She forgets, always. There hasn't been a single time where she's been like "I checked the ingredients to make sure you could have this," it's ALWAYS a look of surprise followed by oh I forgot. Its not a big issue but I'll get things like snickers and butterfinger in my stocking at Christmas, etc. My husband takes this extremely seriously (because it is serious) and never eats anything with peanuts because it isn't worth the risk of eating something, forgetting, then kissing me and causing a reaction. He's incredibly steadfast on this and I love him for that. At Christmas last year there was a plate with some pastries on it and we asked what kind they were and she said something like "vanilla, chocolate, and peanut butter!" The conversation below is how this went.

Jake: Hey what flavors are these?

Mil: vanilla, chocolate and peanut butter!

Jake: oh okay! Nevermind

Mil: what's wrong? Do you not like peanut butter anymore?

Jake: No, I do, but she's allergic (points to me)

Mil: well she doesn't have to eat them, but you're not allergic so you can!

Jake: No it's okay I don't risk it.

Mil: I don't understand why you can't eat it

Jake: I just don't risk it because if I eat it and then we hold hands or I kiss her or anything, it would be bad. Just want to play it safe.

Mil: I think you guys could go a few hours without kissing each other??

Jake: Well, yeah, but it's something we're used to being able to do, so I don't want to forget and kiss her. Like if I'm leaving the room I might kiss her or something.

Mil: okay?? I think she'll be fine.

He had to literally spell it out for her and I just don't get it. Allergies are so easy to understand, like it is black and white. I genuinely don't think this was malicious either, I think she was actually confused.

Similarly, we were at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding in his family and I ended up getting the tiniest bit of a peanut in my food from cross contamination. I didn't want to make a big deal in the moment but told Jake I needed him to come outside with me (I had already ran to the bathroom and vomited three times, but no one knew that). Jake and I immediately left to get the medical care that I needed. He called his mom to let her know what was going on and she asked when he was going to be back. He told her I was going to go into anaphylactic shock and he wouldn't be back. Again, she acted so confused and said something about hoping that the couple would understand? Yeah, I was livid. Mind you- she works in the medical field.

-We went on a family vacay at some point last year for an entire week (way too long, we shouldn't have agreed to it). Our personalities clashed constantly, it was not a good week. She and her husband are extremely low-maintenance, go with the flow people who are extremely active and have the energy of a young child and I can't keep up with that. Additionally, I am a PLANNER to a fault almost. I don't have to plan way in advance, but before going to bed, I do like to have a plan for the next day so that I can figure out what I'm wearing, know when I need to go to sleep, know when I need to get up, have time to get ready so everyone isn't waiting on me, read about what we're doing (if we go to a restaurant I love to look up the menus, little things like that), you get the point.

I knew from day one that it was going to be miserable. The night before our early flight we all stayed in a room together (me, Jake, MIL/FIL). She spent so much time saying how worried she was that I wouldn't wake up. I love to sleep but if there's something important I will obviously wake up. I asked what time we were leaving the hotel, she answered and I said I would wake up at X time to be ready to go. She started acting weird and saying that was too early and everyone else would like their sleep. I was like ooook so what is our plan for tomorrow? She told me that we were going to go straight from the airport to the resort we were staying at and figure it out there. I was like great, perfect, then I don't need to get ready.

In the morning I had a bit more time than planned, so I was like oh I guess I can get ready and was going to use the mirror on the wall at the hotel (saying that because I wouldn't be hogging the bathroom, I'm painfully self aware and could never let myself do that). Again, she acted weird and said I probably shouldn't just to be safe. I told her my makeup takes 10 minutes and it would be okay. Again she told me that we were going straight to the resort so I should just wait until we were there. I agreed at that point just so I wouldn't stress her out.

She travels all the time and tried to take the lead at the airport and it was painful to watch her navigate things. I kept saying that she was doing things the hard way and took the lead, but every time I did something differently (more efficiently) than she did, she would wince and say we couldn't do things that way. All of my suggestions worked and saved us so much time. When we looked at our tickets we realized that my husband and I weren't sitting together, no problem, I figured I would POLITELY go to the service desk and ask if it was possible to seat us together. His mom essentially begged me not to do this because it wouldn't work and I would embarrass her. I walked up and they were immediately able to accommodate my request, even if they didnt, I would have understood completely and been polite. Its like she thinks that we are children and know nothing and can't handle anything on our own.

When we got there that day, we left the airport and she announced that we were going to rainforest cafe! I had no makeup on. I had so much time to get ready but she had ASSURED ME we weren't doing anything, so I didn't. I'm really self conscious, I hate it, but it's who I am. I went along with going to rainforest cafe but we spent the ENTIRE DAY going place to place to place. I was at the point where I was going to burst into tears but my husband calmed me down. She didn't even realize I was having an issue but looked at me at some point and said "See? No one even cares that you don't have makeup on!" Okay, I care.

The entire trip continued this way, never making a plan and if we did make a plan it was never followed. There were multiple mornings where they would tell us we were leaving the resort at 10 but at 8:45 they'd call and say they changed their mind and we were leaving at 9, which sent me over the edge because I had planned my morning to be ready at 10. I had a friend that was going through something serious and kept trying to get in touch with me and I would tell her "we will be back at the resort at 6:30, I'll call you then!" but we wouldn't get back until 10. Just little things like this that built up and contributed to miserable time for me specifically.

Here's the thing. I have tried to talk to her and explain myself so that things make sense. I've talked to her about how I'm a planner, what causes my anxiety, whats happening with my health, etc. but she literally forgets. Pretends like those conversations don't happen. I find myself having to share the same things over and over and it's tough for me because I put a lot of thought into what I'm saying to make sure I'm still being respectful but also being firm to the point where she can't downplay it. I made an effort to go get tea with her to discuss a serious issue. I went indepth about my relationship with my dad (or lack of one) and told her some stories that I never share and made myself vulnerable to help her understand because she had been curious. She was horrified by the stories I told her and made me feel heard and I appreciated that. Three months later my inlaws didn't understand why I wasn't inviting my dad to our wedding and continuously tried to get me to change my mind. I asked her why she would say all of this when I told her about our issues a few months beforehand? She did not remember any of it. That was the point I realized I just can't get there with her. For whatever reason, we just don't connect and it comes across like she just isn't interested and doesn't care.

All of this came to a head last week because my husband and I had just moved into a new place and they wanted to come see it. I wanted to be fully unpacked and have the house ready before they came and I just couldn't get there. I had a full-blown anxiety attack at the thought of them coming when our house wasn't perfect. I've never had an anxiety attack like that. I tried to reschedule and she said they would just come for one day on Sunday. I said Sunday didn't work for us, so then she said they would just come Sunday afternoon. Again, I had to be firm with her and re-explain my anxiety for the millionth time and I just cannot keep doing that. There are endless stories but these are the few that came to mind, I'm not even sure if they were the best or most relevant ones to choose. I had so much more typed out but again, this is way too long (if you read the whole thing I GREATLY appreciate it).

Can anyone pinpoint what the exact issue is here? Why I feel so defeated when she's around? What I can do to change this? I can provide any additional context that's needed. Thank you so much.