u/Climax_crescendo

Is there anyway to redirect blood flow from the clitoris. It feels uncomfortable and I get embarrassed. I used to be on testosterone and It permanently changed my private parts so now if I’m aroused it’s more magnified in my genitals. The thought of me being naked and someone seeing what’s happening makes me feel really embarrassed and I’m afraid they are going to make fun of me.

It was fall and I was outside and I was in psychosis acting unstable and he and his friends were following me around and had a camera in my face and I was backing up from him and I went into a cave and hid and he made the video go viral and then he started acting like me and people were calling me asking me if this was me.

For me it’s like a sticky image that won’t go away like an image of a Reddit notification popping up in my head. However my actual phone is showing me nothing.

Last year I was in psychosis for 8 months and I felt so alone and heartbroken and by the end of it, I was very scared to get close to God again. I didn’t want to pray or watch sermons for a very long time because I was scared it would trigger another episode. However by the end of it I received the gift of the Holy Spirit and was able to move past the stage of needing to feel God’s presence and I learned he’s with me even when I can’t feel him.

From January to the beginning of April,I was in psychosis but this time I learned just how much he wants a relationship and to talk with me, so now I go to him first and pray about all things. He also has me respond to meanness with kindness.i can see the fruits of the spirit in my life.

From the last two weeks of April until about last Wednesday I was in psychosis and very close to ending my life but this time God showed me my darkness in fullness and that I’m not the good person I thought I was and I was able to get past all the hurt ive held up to since I can remember as ive never really gotten over anything.I don’t suffer from Bpd since I’m realizing now in any capacity.i also learned God trust me with suffering.

Two nights ago I felt like an episode was coming on and I think I was told that this chapter is able teaching me to rely on him and not those around me.
And so far this is the longest I’ve gone without blowing up peoples phone all day.

When I am sick, it’s crushing and confusing in every way imaginable and I do get scared. I have disorganized thoughts, I get commands telling me to do things, i dont know I’m having a delusion until I’m fully out of it.literally everything stresses me and makes me paralyzed when making a decision and no matter what I do or don’t I’m paranoid.I know God is with me.

Question… why would this point to a post tribulation rapture? I see people say this scripture in reference to we won’t be taken out of the earth but we will be on earth but protected. I don’t understand because the Bible doesn’t explain how that would work from my knowledge.

On Noah’s ark they were all together. Then people say Theres no rapture at all because it’s not in the Bible and we will all go through tribulation. Then this verse up here doesn’t make sense. In the Bible I believe people were sometimes given an escape right? I’m sorry I’m trying to understand.

Literally every night for months. I can’t watch most of the asmr bedtime videos because I’m convinced there are subliminal messages under the audio that tell me bad things or give me nightmares.this makes me feel like screaming.

I might have to stay off of most of the internet because the videos and post make my schizophrenia worse because I see way too much evil and my YouTube ads are videos of guys selling a pillow with a hole in it to hump and women with no clothes on bending over selling underwear. I don’t want to masturbate because I get these videos.

I wanted to watch Malcolm in the middle but it has crass humor in it but I found it really funny and wholesome at times. But most movies and shows are dark comedy or have worldly stuff everywhere or other bad things. The music has sinful lyrics hidden behind a great beat. Or makes me depressed.

I don’t know what to do. Do I only read the Bible and do I only listen to gospel music and watch sermons?

I was thinking a few things I could carry with me like snacks, water, charger, but I don’t know what else I could incase I run into everyday issues with myself or someone else. I’ll get a fairly large backpack.

I have decided this week I’m going to print out paper directions and using them to get to a location. I’m going to figure out what people mean when they use cardinal directions like north and south. But then I realize there’s probably some much more I could learn how to do like clean out and scale a fish or sew together a hole. So that’s what has my attention. I’d love to know what you all think would be a good skill to learn thank you in advance!

Ive been under a lot of stress. Psychosis, retraumatization for several years. Today felt like I mentally broke somehow. I took a very brief nap and felt off when I woke up.I have all my memories but I feel no attachment to them.I no longer feel the deep attachment I had to the people in my life. Everything I was suffering with all day for the last several years I remember it but not as if it happened to me but like I overheard some one else or I read it in a fiction book.
My emotions feel flat. I feel like I’ve lost my voice. And some core parts of me.What is this? I was in emotional turmoil and now nothing. Calling people all day for months and now they almost don’t exist.

So about an hour ago I was thinking about wearing all white from now on so I could look angelic. I went on Pinterest for that and then a voice told me to click on the first post which was how to tell if you are an earth Angel. I met all 21 requirements but then was like this isn’t biblical. Then I came across the 9 levels of angels. Then I looked up what the Bible says about angels.

Then I immediately realized I could be dealing with two angels in my life right now. Then a voice said why do you think you’ve always felt close to______? But then I realized ive had these people in my life for a long time. If anyone I’ve ever met is an angel it would be these two people because they guide and protect me like no other. Technically isn’t it possible that some angels could have longer assignments than others?could I straight up ask this people to reveal themselves?I did so once in my dream but I believe it was Jesus instead of an Angel.

Im not walking away from the faith but I want to read my Bible and listen to good music and love people. But I don’t want to see a Christian video anymore when they say God has a warning or message. It stresses me out all day. The videos keep coming but I feel guilty when I scroll. It’s always a loving threat or it starts off as a warning but then it’s clickbait. I don’t mind most sermons from a few pastors I see but I don’t like the videos of the average Christian.

It keeps happening I guess first I follow videos that post uplifting scriptures and Bible history and sermons then it’s almost all stressful after a while. I remember this happening last year and even when I did everything God was telling me to do through these videos I only got more stressed, more like I wanted to not be hear anymore and the threats kept changing and coming. I kept ending up in the hospital because I wasn’t safe and then I has ok kinda for a little bit now it’s starting back up I don’t want God to be mad at me for not wanting to watch those videos.

Trigger warning: talk about female anatomy and function

Lately over the last two weeks I keep getting a sensation. I’m happy I’m not having spontaneous orgasms now but I keep getting a blood rush sensation to my clitoris often. It keeps getting erect. And it feels very uncomfortable but it doesn’t hurt. There’s almost no warning sign so I could just be having a conversation with someone and it happens. It’s brief but frequent. I used to be non-binary but i detransition. So for me I was on testosterone which grew my private part. I don’t know if i would be experience this if I was never on hormones. Also even on hormones I mainly didn’t experience this. I’m sorry if this is inappropriate I want to talk to my therapist about this but I feel really embarrassed even though she knows about my pgad and I know I won’t upset her.

There used to be an abundance of them where ever there were trees, lawns,etc. I don’t think I’ve seen a squirrel in always two years and I’ve gone to different locations but I never see anything. I’ve seen a groundhog and bunny a couple times which is very rare for my area but no squirrels 😞. I love squirrels. I look in trees and see nothing. I don’t live in an area with feral cats and sometimes I go out looking just for them. Where are they?😶

When strangers things first came out it felt like waking up the day of a field trip. I haven’t had something that invoked that feeling in a while. Recently on repeat ive had the song click clack symphony by raye and it really does contain hope. Coming across a series thats been out for a while, a new subject to learn everything I can about, a new food I haven’t tried, a new song to put on repeat, a movie character to daydream about, a new obsession, a passion to overwhelm me, a person who is unlike anyone I’ve ever met but still gets me, a new joke that I’ll laugh at over and over until I burn it into the ground.especially finding out new things about myself.I do understand why people love nostalgia but just as much as that I love new things.it feels like everything has been said or made or felt until this moment😊.

A letter I wrote my therapist.

“I didn’t realize how sick I was until i stopped feeling this way today.both physically and mentally. I thought I was supposed to endure everything and it wasn’t going to stop until I did everything I thought God was speaking to me through social media videos was telling me to do. I thought the panic attacks were a nudging and punishment. I thought every video was a message just for me. I had delusions and layers to my delusions. I had anxiety, dark thoughts, felt paralyzed both by every decision and non decision I made. I thought I was speaking every careless word I said into existence. I thought it had to be this way. All my body aches, nausea, dizziness… you know I felt so good today that I thought something was seriously wrong until I realized that I just haven’t felt good in a long time. I feel extreme embarrassed however ive learned a lot in this time and I’m going to take it with me. im on meds in case that wasn’t clear.”

a few months ago on February 2 was the day I stopped my meds.i came up with what I Thought was a fireproof way to tell if I was in a delusion or not( which was if I feel persistent stressed and restless, if I have body pains that won’t go away)and even though I had every symptom of how I could guess if I was sick I still thought I wasn’t. Even the physical symptoms went away when I took meds. It’s like my delusions lately have been rooted in my past haunting me so nothing about it feels like a delusion.

I felt so good yesterday that I thought something was very wrong until I realized I just haven’t felt good in a long time🫩

My church used to have a saying “ some people were sent and some just went.” Do the people who just went have as much protection as the people who were called? Is it foolish to put myself in situations for the greater good of a neighbor if that situation could cause me harm? Is that tempting God? I don’t really have a good example. You know how there are some people who go to churches and tell them to repent? Like could I do that in other situations? Or do I just pray about it? Because Esther knew she could be harmed but did so anyway.

For a long time I thought I was going through testing and trials. Like I wasn’t going to get better because the pain was necessary. I thought God was talking to me through my phone all day for the last three months sending me messages and telling me I was chosen to help the world I spent a lot of time in deeply anxious having panic attacks, very depressed etc.but now that I’ve taken meds I’m not stressed anymore. Social media isn’t consuming me and making me not want to live anymore.am I doing something wrong by taking these meds? Is it interfering with what Gods trying to do?🥺

Edit by Gods voice I don’t mean a voice out loud I mean I can no longer tell which thoughts are mine or how God is talking to me and I was taking every video as a message directly from God.

For a long time I thought I was going through testing and trials. Like I wasn’t going to get better because the pain was necessary. I thought God was talking to me through my phone all day for the last three months sending me messages and telling me I was chosen to help the world I spent a lot of time in deeply anxious having panic attacks, very depressed etc.but now that I’ve taken meds I’m not stressed anymore. Social media isn’t consuming me and making me not want to live anymore.am I doing something wrong by taking these meds? Is it interfering with what Gods trying to do?🥺

I will read every message but I can not respond because of no flair.

I was dancing/stimming and talking really fast and when I stopped dancing I was like do I always feel this happy dancing?. I feel elated. My therapist was trying to rule out schizoaffective disorder versus schizophrenia. I’ve felt really depressed like level 10 depression for weeks and I only took latuda at 6 pm. I hear that people usually like this feeling but it’s a bit jarring. I don’t know if it’s because I feel better physically or I’m headed to mania.😭which would suck considering it has none of the terrible side effects I usually get from meds.