u/Cosmicfaedoll

My twin flame and I made a pact that is nearing the time it will come to fruition, everything feels crazier than it ever has in both the microcosm of my life and the macrocosm of the world, things keep directing me to believe that a happy ending with my twin flame in this 3D world physically united again, is possible. At this point, all the moving pieces in my life seem to have always always foretold this for me, for him, for us.

Now I’m not going to fixate on this to the point I’m going to limit what I can reach in my life and my career and the passions and interests and callings I have. I’m just going to completely and delusionally believe whole heartedly that my happy ending, our happy ending, is inevitable because I’ve done the work and I’m doing the work. I’ve made the sacrifices and I’ve lived through tremendous suffering and I’m seeing all the karma come back around and I earned this. So I’m living in the reality where this is a romance novel. Where I’m a Disney Princess. And I will get my happy ending no matter what. And I’m choosing to believe this to a delusional level simply because I can.

I saw a post recently where people were discussing bad things that changed their life forever, and reading through everything I realized I used to be in that place myself. I remember for years since my abuse started when I was just a baby, I always thought I was just a sad and broken person. That I would be suicidal and depressed and miserable, even if I put on a happy face for the rest of my life. But one day something changed, I’m not exactly sure when it started to shift, and it wasn’t all at once, and I still have bad days even now. But there was a shift. I had a suicide attempt even, but I was still told I was in a state of post traumatic growth by professionals. I was told I didn’t need therapy for the foreseeable future, and they were right because that seemed like the last time that crushing darkness won. I never truly attempted suicide again after that.

I have been in therapy since I was just six, I’ve been through years of EMDR and through DBT multiple times, I’ve been institutionalized several times throughout my life and lived through multiple suicide attempts, and I feel different now. I wake up and I want to be alive, the things that happened to me still hurt, the world is still cruel, the changes to my life and body due to what has been done to me and what I’ve done to myself are still there. But I’m happy. Maybe not this overwhelming happiness but content which seems like a more genuine and realistic form of happiness. My life is still in shambles because of everything I’ve experienced and had to overcome, I still don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going just yet, but I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’m content being alive. I lived a wild and crazy and very full life in my 20s, so at only 31 I would be content if this was all my life was, my soul would be at peace, but I’m also now building a life worth living since I am still alive and that feels like a blessing and even a miracle with some of the things I’ve endured and lived through.

I think I’m saying all this to give a glimpse at what post traumatic growth feels like when you have CPTSD because I truly never thought I would genuinely feel this way in my life, and I know how hopeless life after such severe levels of trauma can feel, so since it’s been over 3 years since that last attempt and hospital stay where I was told I was in post traumatic growth when they released me. Since it’s been over 3 years since I’ve last needed a therapist, or medication, or to be hospitalized. I just wanted to say there is another side of life after trauma and I hope everyone who reads this gets there one day too.

This may be an experience unique to me, I’m not sure or not. I had a friend that I honestly called my twin flame at one point but it was completely platonic and truth be told I had no idea what the term actually meant besides that it was someone who was similar to you and triggered the hell out of you. Well, when I went through my deeper awakening at the 8 year mark of what I now know was my twin flame journey, I learned what a twin flame really was and knew exactly who it was immediately upon researching about it. Now I knew about this person, the person I called my twin flame knew about this person, my exes kind of knew of this person, my family knew, and his friends that somehow kind of seem to always at least be liminally my friends knew about this person but I never thought he was my twin flame. I just thought he was a trauma bond and a one sided obsession I couldn’t detach from that used me.

Until this happened. And when this all occurred I reconnected with the friend I once called my platonic twin flame, and she told me she had seen him just that summer in a local bar, because she lived in the city he did, on the anniversary of our first date. He was angry and complaining about how much he wanted to not think about that day and he hated that day and he wanted to get as drunk as possible. And that’s when she started really researching twin flames with me and she agreed he was my twin flame and we agreed we were soul sisters instead.

I ended up moving in with her to get answers in that city because I found everything my twin flame had posted about me and written about me and performed about me. Well, while in full on psychosis she informed me that my twin flame’s friend had just come back to that city too and that he had randomly followed her on Instagram. I jokingly said, “wouldn’t it be funny if he was your twin flame since he’s as close with ___ as you are with me and we’re all in the same city at the same time and he and I were in the same state and just randomly came back around the same time?”

Little did I know that I was right

I’ll leave out the absolute insanity of how we found this out, but long story short, they started seeing each other and It was clear that they were. They even tried to hack the journey when they realized by doing the exact opposite of my twin flame and I since they were caught in the middle of our insanity for years at this point being friends with us. And they didn’t make the same mistakes, they managed to make completely different insane mistakes and they are in separation and navigating dark night of the souls now. I also don’t talk to her anymore because her journey has required our separation as well.

Well I was talking with my soulmate today, we’re just friends now and are staying that way, and he said that it sounds like my twin flame and my permanent best friend and her twin flame who is essentially the same for my twin flame, sound like we are all parallel souls. Basically that as individuals we’re all on very very different journeys, but that as pairs we reflect one another perfectly. This resonates for me because I feel the same permanence with my soul sister as I do with my twin flame and when I try to replace her it feels like it doesn’t equate to the role she played for me.

So I’m just curious if anyone else has encountered such a phenomenon or not?

Sometimes I think to myself that maybe I’m talking too much about my twin flame online

And then I remember that he made ridiculous punk songs and performed them about having sex with me with very specific references that could really only be me

Sometimes I feel like this is all in my head and the way other people I’ve been with feel about me is how I feel about him (that being that they were more invested and still want a future with me while I don’t)

But then I remember that he wrote poems that could only be about me
Made almost 100 playlists with music we listened to together and songs that in the combination they were in could only really be about me and the ones he made about other women talked about how he would give them his heart if he could but he can’t, whereas the ones about me talked about how I still had his heart and how maddening that was for him

Sometimes I think that maybe this is all one sided and I’m delusional
But then I remember the ways his friends all just acted very gentle with me like they knew they couldn’t push too hard or it would make him angry because I belong to him
I think about the times he referenced telepathy with me when we finally talked again a year and a half after our final breakup that I recognize in hindsight
The way he quoted things that I now realize were twin flame when he couldn’t find his own words to describe things
And the way his friends even started outright acknowledging that we are twin flames to me when I pushed and they really started to see the truth once and for all
The DMT D3mon stories that lined up and the way one of his best friend’s eyes widened as it really clicked for him what he had just done and that I was really his twin flame (because he doubted this as a lot of them did at that time)
And then there’s the twin flame ring he wears on his ring finger like a silent commitment to me that I never noticed until a friend of mine pointed it out in his instagram photos and found it for sale online

And then I remember the pact we made all those years ago that he suggested while he was on acid on his birthday when I called him

I don’t truly know who’s the runner and the chaser
The divine masculine and divine feminine

I often think I’m the chaser and divine feminine

But I don’t truly know

But one thing I know even through all the doubts that try to creep in

Is that he is my twin flame and our love is eternal and completely unbreakable

And then I don’t feel crazy or alone or like I’m too much or too weird or too creepy and dark and “batshit insane” or even ev!l

Because he exists and I met him, I held him, I kissed him, I fell in love with him and it was the easiest thing in the world

And then when I remember that

I know everything is going to be okay

I often think I’m over relationships all together and I’m truly detached from the outcome and at piece with the state of this journey, but then I see a video of someone proposing on TikTok in a way that aligns with my style of romance, and I want that. But then I try to imagine it with literally anyone but my twin and it feels wrong and now I’m just sad. Does anyone else ever have these waves despite overall having made peace with the situation and outcome? I think I just want to feel a bit less alone right now

Some people have issues with the “new age” concept of twin flames but to me, it just seems like a way to make sense of all the pieces of the symposium as written by Plato. I think I already knew this to an extent but since I haven’t really studied Plato in depth since I was in college, I didn’t quite understand just how much twin flames fits into the seemingly differing perceptions of love as told in the symposium.

But today my seven year old niece was asking about what a song she likes was talking about when it talked about the pain with love and I found a quick summary on the symposium so I could build upon it. But after I was finished explaining to her, I realized that the highly debated concept of twin flames and the dogma associated with it encompasses the concept of Eros as discussed and debated in the symposium. It finds the common energy of all the seemingly different perspectives. And learning and having this experience today just makes me appreciate the beauty of being on this journey so much more

My twin flame story is odd because my person was incredibly spiritual and studying shamanism. It’s almost as if he knew what was going to happen before it did and he knew it would end as it has, or at least be where it is now. He made playlists and wrote poetry about all of this past, present, and future. And truly I’ve always gotten far too much male attention when I didn’t really want it in the first place. And he is now like a shield against it all. I’ve used this connection as a deterrent because men that won’t take no for an answer back off when you tell them about something this wild and inevitable.

I think he knew this was what he needed to do for me. My wants and needs and goals are so disconnected from romance and sex that this ending makes perfect sense for me at a core level. It’s not to say I’d never be open to trying again if our paths ever align again, but if it’s not him then it’s no one and that in itself is a shield for my very being. I now understand just how much he loves me. This is what the twin flame journey means for me.

Maybe I should try to explain this, warning I’m not always the best at communicating properly through text.

I feel like I keep meeting mostly men but a few women here and there that in one way or another embody something about my counterpart. They have this aspect or another. When it first happened, since I had just learned of twin flames and what they really meant and was pretty sure he was mine already 8 years into the journey, I thought maybe some of them were my twin flame. But I have since accepted I know who it is for better or worse and no amount of meeting anyone new will ever change that. But now I’m recognizing that I seem to just meet people who are like him. Some are really nice and comforting, some really challenge and piss me off, some are strictly friends, some are more, and some are a brief interaction with a stranger in person or online that either makes me feel understood or irritates me and get under my skin. But it’s like his energy is everywhere I go.

I’m now 11 years into this journey and I’m content with the way things are overall but this is not stopping, if anything, it’s increased in the amount it happens despite interacting with others in the wild less than I ever have. Anyone else going through something similar?

I had an incredible conversation with another twin flame in this subreddit just yesterday and he read my chart and told me I had the same placement as his TF, a mars in the 12th house and that it meant that I had a deep desire that I didn’t even understand due to how deep in my subconscious it was and that’s when I recognized that I’ve been accepting such part of myself and my desire to be accepted and be seen recently in a way I never have until extremely recently and I recognized that’s definitely me finally uncovering and coming to terms with my 12H Mars. And I was curious if any other twin flames have a 12H mars and if they’ve had any similar experiences, especially around the time of their Saturn return which I just closed out in February.

I see the way people obsess over this and I feel a lot of empathy for you all but I can’t help but also be thankful that despite feeling the connection, going through the back and forths and awakening and dark night of the soul(s), I didn’t know what this was. Because of that I followed my intuition and didn’t give in to my DM’s ego for long, didn’t chase much and when he pushed me away and told me to move on and forget him I tried. It’s not that when I did all of this I wasn’t working on myself, the opposite actually, I went back to therapy, I went back to school, I started developing healthier boundaries and learning how to love and stand up for myself. But I didn’t obsess constantly. I didn’t tell myself that if I was just more of this or less of that he wouldn’t have left. Truth be told, I thought it was entirely one sided and he simply just used me until I found real tangible evidence and pushed our once mutual friends, that stayed his friends, for answers after my unraveling started.

I’m saying all of this because I hope someone reads this and stops obsessing over the dogma. The dogma isn’t all this is. Yes these are factors, I’m not invalidating the metaphysical and pseudoscientific elements, but this is about you. It’s about focusing on and healing yourself, not about being together or coming back together. And focusing so intensely on getting them to come back to you by doing everything you tell yourself will make them come back is compromising yourself and pushing them further from you. I’m now focused on the connection as a form of integration, and yes, of course I want him back now that I know what this is and know just how mutual it truly is and always has been, but I think because I went so long without an answer to what I felt, I was forced to follow my intuition alone. So please, if you’re seeing this, listen to yourself, work on yourself, heal yourself, love yourself, and try, I know it’s hard, to disconnect from physical union being the goal. It saddens me to see how much a lot of people are focused on the dogma to the extent they’re losing the point of the journey.

Take it from me, you can’t break this connection, trust me, him and I both tried, you can’t damage the connection, or we would be done with one another by now, you can’t do this wrong if you’re doing what’s right for you and your life and who you are. Your twin flame is first and foremost just a vessel to reflect what needs to be worked on back to you. If you’re meant to ever come back to each other and stay together, then you will, but you are less likely to get there if you try to focus on the dogma before you listen to yourself. And you may reach a point where you recognize you don’t want them back for one reason or another and that’s okay too.

I have ASPD and I guess I’m just curious if any other people on this journey have ASPD and how that affects them overall being a twin flame.

For some context, I’ve been through over 20 years of therapy, I reached a point where professionals were in agreement that therapy wasn’t really necessary because I was processing anything that came up extremely quickly and they felt useless in the process so they taught me how to essentially be my own therapist and discharged me.

Now I feel like I’m at an impasse because my friends have agreed to basically be my sounding boards since I do the same for them. I journal and meditate and basically do anything anyone commonly suggests as grounding practices, coping skills, ways of individually processing. Hell I even use divination just to look into my own psyche and assist in my shadow work, but I can’t help but feel like my friendships are extremely transactional because I need a sounding board to process more often than not. My friends consistently tell me that they aren’t upset by the arrangement since they do the same to me and it’s helped a lot of them out because I play the “therapist friend” extremely well. At one point, I was calling a local crisis line and they were playing therapist and they told me that they can’t do that anymore and said they could get me back in therapy if need be but every time I’ve tried to go back it ends the same.

So I guess my question is, does anyone have an uncommon suggestions of ways to kind of be my own therapist for me so I can take a little weight off my loved ones and feel less burdensome

I had an amazing conversation with my older sister last night where I called my twin flame my tumor last night, he loves fight club and has even compared me to Marla in some of his darkest times so I think he‘d get a kick out of it. And as we were talking about her “tumor”, I was mentioning my deceased dad and our mom and their unbreakable connection and my little sister and her unbreakable connection and my mom even said she had went to the guys’ apartment when she visited despite being in a committed relationship with a baby on the way with someone else. And as my sister and I talked about her unbreakable connection she said “you know _____ and ___ are our twin flames right?“ and I told her I knew and have known for years now and he knew even before I did and that’s when I realized my mom and my sisters all have one. And I know some people say that everyone has one and some people say not everyone is on the journey but my sisters and my mom and I all know that it’s them whether we always admit it or not, and I just find it odd that I’m surrounded by a family of twin flame women. Does anyone else experience anything like this?

I don’t quite know where to post this but I feel like some facets of those who identify more so introverted may understand this. I am kind of a perfect split between introvert and extrovert, in my personal opinion anyway, and I have dated a lot, I had a promiscuous phase due to severe CSA, but as I have healed I have desired romantic or sexual intimacy less and less. I believe I met my other half, long long story, and it has come to light in recent times that this unbreakable connection is felt extremely mutually between us both but despite pain and extreme circumstances being what drove us apart, he and I have kind of mutually concluded we are both better off apart despite the unconditional love felt between us.

This is all my long winded way of saying that, the excess of romantic and sexual intimacy, intense and eventful life I have led to this point, motherly role I have played in my friends, partners, families, and nieces and nephews lives, as well as this unconditional love I know exists but just doesn’t fit and understanding it may never align has created a sensation of feeling almost outside of the desire for anything beyond platonic connection and intimacy. I have been celibate for years now and have concluded that there is so much more to life than a desperate need to be loved and around someone consistently.

But I also feel a sense of disconnection because so much of societal expectations is surrounding falling in love, getting married, and having a family of your own in one way or another. At one point I desired these things too but I feel less and less attached to this idea as I heal my attachment wounds and develop more and more self love and confidence in being okay on my own.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else feels this way. I‘m a 31 year old woman and truly, I never felt like this would be how I wanted to navigate my life, but here we are and I just want to understand if this is an individual experience or if anyone that isn’t outright asexual or aromantic, though I am demisexual so I know thats gray ace, feels or has ever felt this way. I just feel kind of like an outsider because I’ve strayed so far from what is perceived as normal even by my past self.

I met who I believe to be my twin flame 11 years ago now

we had this whirlwind summer fling and it ended as fast as it started because he pushed me away again and I finally left because I couldn’t handle the ways he would push me out and pull me back in. It was exhausting and excruciating

When we talked for the first time after our breakup I told him I believed I had fallen in love with him and he didn’t say it back so I assumed he just used me for sex and that was all it is and soon after he cut contact with me again and I did everything in my power to just move on and for years I just lived with this wound that I couldn’t make sense of

Finally, a few years ago now, I went through a bout of sleep paralysis for 14 hours and felt like my head opened up and went through essentially an unraveling.

Around this time I also kept meeting people who knew him and so for the first time I really started thinking of him again. And I found that he had been obsessed with me. I found poetry and posts and songs and playlists that referenced me in not so subtle ways if you knew our story, and this was all after I had already started to feel like our connection might be a twin flame after some meditation and talks with my closest friends shortly after my unraveling started and shortly before I found all of this, which is why when I saw all the references to twin flames peppered in everything about me he had created over the years I knew it was real.

Him and I had made pacts and he had said things that clicked into place finally, but he was deep in suffering when this happened and I think I pulled him out when this all happened by coming back

And even if he ran from me, he’s now on track and taking back his own life and his own story and finally may stop hurting himself

I have also decided to stop hurting myself

For a while now I was stuck on the idea of physically coming back together in the future, but yesterday I realized I don’t want that

Going back to him is like going back to my past and I want to start all over now

I was so deep in suffering and pain that I truly didn’t think I’d live this long but now it feels like I’ve been given a second chance at life. All the pieces that felt broken are being repaired now and I’m being called to go somewhere else and start over.

For the first time, I want to be alive, for the first time, I am no longer taking on others problems as my own, for the first time, my life feels truly mine and I can make of it whatever I want

And I don’t want that back. I recognize if he’s truly my twin flame, then we’re never really without one another, but our lives in this world are separate now and I’ve made peace with that.

I’ve truly surrendered and integrated what the journey has been leading me to and out of all along

To put it simply I have reason to believe my TF has struggled with an opiate addiction for the past 8-10 years at least

For years, I wasn’t consciously aware of what our connection was and just tried to move on despite the way it lingered. In the last few years I have come to a very detailed explanation for everything that happened and am now hyper aware of what him and I am, but I also learned he’s been in an active addiction that I have reason to believe was an opiate addiction

I know that I have been affected by his other substance use and feel this kindred psychological resonance with opiate addicts though I never did these because I‘ve known from a young age I would get addicted if I ever did. I’ve even dealt with my own escapism using drugs but I never used opiates despite having them offered to me in different forms up to the form I have reason to believe he was using.

So I guess my question is, if TFs are essentially one soul in two bodies, would I feel the effects of such a pervasive addiction as well?

I have spent the last few years making sense of something I could never understand and that’s what led me to the conclusion of twin flames. I found out along the way of searching for these answers that my twin flame also has connected this connection with the concept of twin flames. And for a connection that felt so confusing, so painful, so invalidating and almost suffocating at times. For a connection that I begged to escape . I begged him to let me go, I did cord cuttings to let it go, but not because I didn’t love him but because he made me feel so unloved and unwanted. But as I healed I had this kind of purge where all the anger came out. At him, at his friends, at my family, at my friends, and at myself, and after I let all of that anger out I started to feel peace. I no longer wanted to harm him or myself, I’ve had a fragile relationship with wanting to be alive since I was very very young. And I reflect and I see that we needed to push each other out of our horrifically destructive comfort zones, but it’s all out in the open now. As he’s even said, it was all real after all. But now I feel like I identify so much with this connection because it was this confusing unanswered question for years, that one destructive tower moment led by a bout of sleep paralysis and my head essentially being opened up, uncovered all the answers to. And now I know it was mutual, it is mutual, he knows the truth and depth of our connection just as I do now, but it feels like now I need to live alongside it. No longer focus on it, trust that we’re on the right paths, we’ve both made it out of the pits of the hell we were dragged into far far too young thanks to one another, and focus on putting my life back together after all the destruction getting here required. But I ask myself, who am I outside of this pairing? I felt so, as people have said, unique, which is the nice way of saying I’m absolutely batshit crazy. I’ve been told since I was extremely young just how much of a genius I am, and this teetering between genius and madness felt isolating. It felt like no one saw the world and themself and the divine the ways I did, and then I met him, and for the first time, I wasn’t alone and then he pushed me away and ran away and then I ran away and we ran and chased either physically, energetically, or spiritually and I felt alone again. And I healed and I found people who may not see me as clearly as he saw me, but they love me as I am. And I found my place in my family I never felt I could belong in. And I found partners who loved the madness even if our relationships ran their course for one reason another and I didn‘t need him anymore. But who am I without him? Why am I so scared to let this madness go? Is it because he wasn’t scared of my darkness? I think his darkness scared him more than mine ever did, and that was new. And even now, people may accept the darkness but I see that look in their eye, or hear that shift in tone, or see the cognitive dissonance as they try to piece together how I still care in moments where I just, don’t. It’s not to say that other people don’t have this dark unfeeling side like I do, but their pieces don’t quite fit in their very being the way mine do, in such a way that feels too much and feels nothing, that cares so much and doesn’t care at all, that has such a fractured psyche that even when the pieces are fused, they’re so distinctly different that its confusing and paradoxical and terrifying to most, except for him. I knew I felt that resonance, that feeling that he was. Just. Like. Me. But when I essentially infiltrated his life to find the answers he wouldn’t directly give me, I heard those same fears and misconceptions echoed in those that had been close to him, and I knew it was really that profound. We stalked each other, obsessed over each other, slandered each other, while fantasizing about a happy ending. Two souls, one soul, that were equally matched in that paradoxically dark insanity. But if I let him go now that I know the truth I always felt, I’m alone again. And I’m scared to be alone, even in a room full of people who love me unconditionally. I feel alone. And our paths have diverted and I trust that if we’re meant to come back together we will. I know this. I feel this. I trust this. But without him, I’m alone again..

I told myself when I was younger that the reason I didn’t want kids was because of things like my mental health, my financial situation, my relationship status, but had I really wanted a kid I think I could have worked around those things. I think the real answer is and always has been that I don’t want to bring a soul into this world just to suffer because suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience. But I’ve had a tubal ligation scheduled, twice, and cancelled both times. I was absolutely devastated at the early miscarriages I have had. I’ve been worried when I wasn’t sexually active and my period was late because I feared I was going into early menopause or something of that nature. And I’ve always had this deep deep longing to be a mother, but the world is awful and I don’t know if I can justify having a child knowing they will suffer in at least one way or another. But I also feel this deep desire to have a family. And I know I could adopt but I feel like if I have a family I’m supposed to experience the whole thing, pregnancy and a more nuclear family dynamic, but I ask myself am I okay with that.. I guess I just want some insight into the reasons to have children of my own and not to because I’m having a bit of an existential crisis over this right now I guess..

I don’t mean in the culty way or the justifying staying in a trauma bond way. But in the way of having a connection that‘s faced you with every shadow you have and that forever changed you in such a deep and mutual way that it will always linger no matter what for both of you regardless of where life takes you both.

I guess I just want to know if anyone outside of the twin flame sub, which is heavily controlled and hard to talk openly in, has had a profound experience of that depth with a singular person as they have mutually with you..

I still feel this longing for my TF but overall I’ve accepted the situation for what it is. We both made mistakes, or maybe they only seem like mistakes and maybe we did exactly what we were supposed to do. I‘ve grown and evolved in ways that when I met him I never even saw possible. My life is not the way I thought it would go, but it’s better in so many ways than I ever imagined. I’ve experienced things that seem like magic and like divine intervention, but I thought this would either end with being with him again or finding someone else and letting this go. But I feel almost liminally in this. Like what I thought I wanted in life was so shallow compared to who and what I desire now, I still want him but I don’t need him, I don’t need anyone romantically or sexually. I’ve been celibate for almost 2 years now. I had a long distant relationship and when that ended I felt relief. I know in my heart and deep down to my soul that if it’s not my TF it is wrong for me now. I’ve accepted this and I know this may not end up with us physically together. I know he’s with me always in spirit because we’re never truly separate, that’s the paradox of this journey, but I also think maybe I’m just deluding myself. Maybe this is just my way of justifying being alone and maybe I’m just stuck in the past. I believe this is just societal conditioning and my shadows creeping up as I’m integrating them, but maybe it’s not. Does anyone have any insight on what may be happening here?