u/Critical_Can3546

Im not sure if I should label this Opinion/Thoughts or Need Support because I’m in need of both.

I just turned 16 eight days ago and i’ve never felt more hopeless. I went to Las Vegas for my birthday, and I had fun but sometimes I just felt so wrong.

I have social anxiety and I thought I was getting better but it’s only getting worse. I felt like everybody knew i’m not supposed to be here when i was walking along the Las Vegas strip. on the plane, in the bus, in the street, i just felt like everybody hated me for some reason.

I came home on the 22nd but on the plane ride home i felt even worse. I felt so disgusting, so wrong, like a accident. I was about to throw up and i was shivering the whole time. there was a pilot (not flying the plane) sitting one row ahead of me, and we were both playing solitaire on our phone’s. There was a flight attendant sitting next to him and he grabbed her thigh as she got up to use the restroom.

when me and my mom were walking to baggage claim they were holding hands and it made me feel so sick. i felt sick because i think that random people want me sometimes, for nonsensical reasons (the fact we were both playing solitare and he moved his foot in the isle area back and forth). of course i didn’t think that he would ask for my number cause of something so stupid but i think maybe in the back of my head i did believe that, and i feel so jealous seeing people who like or love each other mutually.

i have barely any friends. I could count maybe 6 people i consider my friends but i dont think they think of me that way, because i stopped inviting people to hangout and the most recent time i hung out with someone was 26 days ago. ive been alone my whole life but this summer has really been the worst cause i thought at least id hang out with people once in a while but i only watch other people’s stories and post while i only sit in my room or hangout with my mom.

and what made me write this post is what happened today. nothing. nothing really happened today except for me watching a movie. I watched Arizona dreams because i saw it was like the movie The Science of Sleep and i really love that movie. but it sent me spiraling.

I’m left confused, crying, and hopeless. i never really lose hope because i still try but that in itself makes me more hopeless. for most of my life i’ve put myself out there, i’ve made futile attempts at relationships, and despite giving it my all, or trying to lay back and give it less, i still get the same results.

i had a counselor for a while but i told her what shes doing doesnt really help me and so my counselor is in the process of getting me a therapist and anxiety medication.

so will all of that laid out (sorry for this really long and a little pointless read) what do i do in my situation?

Ive been singing on my treadmill recently and i can sing fine on the higher notes but i always lose breath/ not as resonant on middle to lower notes in my range. is there any explanation for that?

I started writing early this month and i completely fell in love with it. i would definitely appreciate some constructive criticism to help me grow.

[Lyrics]

(verse)
when i would burn to a crisp walking alone in the sun
i was so ignorant about what was to come
my pillow knew all my adventures, the days i embraced my young

(chorus)
it was so sunny but day by day
it went away, it went away, it went away
it settles in before you show it
it settles in before you know it

(verse)
i clinged to you, but my mother says it’s life
i was playing naive, i never wanted to die
i never sat in my room, moping, wondering why.
pick yourself up and walk right into your lie

(chorus)
it was so sunny but day by day
it went away, it went away, it went away
it settles in before you show it
it settles in before you know it

(verse)
my life is a dreadful crime
at least that how people see it through their eyes
i was told to be patient and give it time,
but im losing all hope on saving my life

(chorus)
it was so sunny but day by day
it went away, it went away, it went away
it settles in before you show it
it settles in before you know it

(verse)
youve abandoned me once again, but no one feels anything.
nobody’s any different from the same
and once you’re awkward strangers with me
you will act abandoned instead again

i love that song so much and ive never heard any other song that gives me the same feeling. songs that sound like thousand fold would also be nice

I used to get Manzanita Sol from gas station fountains all the time but I cant find a gas station with Manzanita Sol anymore.