How much I despise myself
Hey there, i‘ve been around here for quite some time and i feel like I have to open up about my struggles and my self hatred. For starters i live in germany, im 14, im short(5‘5) and i have an assymetrical, disgusting face. I just cant look people in the eyes, i feel so bad because they have to endure the sight of my assymetrical eyes and my nose that bends to the right and just supports this sickening composition of what i have to call my face. I cut, atleast i used to, not too much because my brother caught me and i promised him to stop and well i love him(on a brother level). I started cutting because as of the age 12 my body hasnt grown and i want/ed to change it, like if it doesnt do something then im gonna do it myself. Now i want to cut because of coping with the thought that nobody will ever love me(the mental pain is way worse in my opinion). I also have a porn addiction since age 9 or so? I hate it, but you know is addiction and so im trynna battle it. Im always frustrated by the fact that people call themselves „chopped“, when theyre jus normal looking, but god i wish i was normal looking, i seem like a small, gut wrenching alien with a minced meat face on my family pictures. I hate it. I also hate myself because i always think to know everything someone feels when theyre talking to me, im very intrested in philosophy and always tried to understand everyone. And know i think that i know everything, i hate it, i hate that I think im so smart but in reality im just delusional, a 13 year old that is in his no emotion-sigma phase, God i hate it so much but i just cant unsee their little movements and the faces they make, the words they use. I hope the last part made sense if not im sry. I was also pretty deep in the blackpill or looksmaxxing scene or whatever you call it when i was 11-12, i was so mindwashed, i despise myself so much for how i treated people back then. And now i have to look at all my friends falling into this blackpill hole and im sry for them.
I wrote many such texts and was scared to post them, so pls be nice.