u/EmergencyCode2842

I’ve been debating posting this for ages because nothing that’s happened is serious enough on its own, but together it’s started to make me dread working with one particular colleague.

I work in a really small alternative education setting with only a handful of staff and a small group of young people. I’m the newest member of staff. The colleague I’m talking about has been there the longest, but she’s not my manager and we’re employed in the same role.
The workplace is quite social. A lot of the staff go to the pub after work, they’re friends outside work, and some of them live together. I join in occasionally, but I don’t drink and I’m also doing a full-time psychology degree alongside working, so a lot of the time I go home to study instead. I have said I do still want to be invited, but they don't always invite me and I’ve sometimes wondered whether I’m just a bit of an odd fit in the team.

Our personalities are also very different. She’s loud, outgoing and very playful with the young people. I’m much calmer. I’m not shy, but I’m not the sort of person who fills every silence either. I like giving young people space and follow their lead, I don’t raise my voice much, and I generally try to be quite measured.

The problem isn’t that we’re different. It’s that I often feel like I’m not allowed to just be another member of staff when I’m working with her. It’s little things that happen over and over again. I’ll be talking to a young person and she’ll cut across the conversation to answer instead. I’ll make a decision and she’ll immediately suggest doing something different, even when there’s no need for either of us to be making a decision at all.
If I tell a young person something, she’ll often add to it or slightly change it, so it ends up feeling like my answer wasn’t enough.

She comments on me being quiet quite a lot, even though another colleague is probably quieter than I am and never gets those comments. They’re also very close outside work. She frames my quiet in a negative way, for example one time it was just me and a quieter colleague when she walked into the room and she said ‘it's so quiet is everything ok’, and glanced at her friend with a smirk. Even though before this I was trying quite hard to make small talk with this colleague and they weren't really engaging.

I’ve also noticed that some of the young people joke about me “snitching”. A couple have literally said “don’t snitch”, when they're doing stuff she's allowing them to do that the manager wouldn't, like vaping in the car, riding the handlebars of a bike, one of them even follows her on tiktok. During the titok interaction the kid was saying they saw her tiktok and she was surprised and said ‘how’ and they said ‘me and (another kid) follow you remember’ it was just me there and she glanced my way and said ‘I'm feeling really insecure tight now’, I don't know what that means. She’s made comments about not saying certain things in front of me because they’ll get back to the manager. I’ve never actually done that, so I don’t really know how that idea developed. The problem is the people she's friends with don't hold her to account and justify her behaviour, only the older male manager will voice concerns.

Sometimes it feels like she subtly encourages the young people not to take me quite as seriously. If they challenge something I’ve said or make a joke at my expense, she’ll often laugh along rather than backing me up, more often it's her that challenges me it makes a joke at my expense. What feels odd is that she doesn’t joke with me like that. We don’t have that kind of relationship. It feels like I’m the one being laughed at rather than included in the joke.

One example of this happened at the swimming pool. We always leave at 12 because that’s when our session finishes. At 12 I said, “Right, time to get out.” She turned to everyone and said, “Actually, I was thinking we could stay another ten minutes today.” We’d never done that before. Five minutes later the lifeguards told us to leave because the session had ended. It wasn’t a huge issue in itself, but it summed up how I often feel. I’ll say something, and she seems to need to be the person who changes it or has the final word.

Something else that I’ve wondered about is that we’re both studying the same psychology degree. I’m slightly further ahead, and she’ll message me to ask what modules I’ve chosen or whether I’ve finished an assignment, but the conversations don’t really go beyond that youven though I've tried. She just doesn't respond when I ask her how she'd doing. It sometimes feels like she’s interested in the information rather than in actually getting to know me. That might be completely unrelated, but I’ve wondered if studying the same subject and doing the same job adds another layer to things.

I don’t think she’s a bad person. The young people genuinely like her and I can understand why, they see her as fun. But I leave shifts with her feeling like I’m the boring, uptight member of staff who keeps getting subtly corrected or spoken over, even though that’s not how I am with other colleagues.

I honestly don’t know whether I’m seeing a pattern that isn’t there because it’s become something I’m sensitive to, whether this is just what happens when you’re the new person joining an established team, or whether other people reading this would also think there’s something off about the dynamic. If you’ve worked in a small team before, I’d really appreciate your thoughts.

I’ve been going back and forth on this for months and I genuinely don’t know whether I’m reading too much into things, so I’d really appreciate some outside opinions.
I work in a really small alternative education setting. There are only a handful of staff and a small group of young people. I’m the newest member of staff. The colleague I’m talking about has been there the longest, but she isn’t my manager or senior to me.

I think it’s also worth saying that the workplace has quite a social culture. A lot of the team go to the pub together after work and are friends outside of work. I go occasionally, but I don’t drink and I’m also doing a full-time degree alongside working, so a lot of the time I go home to study instead. I’ve had a few jokes about being boring or too sensible because I like having a routine. I don’t know whether that’s relevant, but I’ve wondered if I’m just a bit of an odd fit socially.

Our working styles are also really different. She’s very outgoing and has a really informal relationship with the young people. I’m much calmer. I wouldn’t call myself shy, I just don’t feel the need to fill every silence. I speak when I need to, I’m happy to take the lead, and I have no problem setting boundaries. I’m just naturally quite measured. The issue isn’t that we have different personalities. It’s that I feel like I’m never really allowed to work in my own way.

She comments on me being quiet quite a lot, even though another colleague is probably quieter than I am and never gets those comments. They’re also close friends and live together, so I don’t know if that’s relevant or not.

If I’m dealing with a situation or making a decision, she’ll often jump in and change what I’ve said or make the final decision herself, even though we’re equals.
One example was at the swimming pool. We always leave at 12 because that’s when our session ends. I said it was time to get everyone out, and she immediately told the young people we’d stay another 10 minutes “just today”. We’d never done that before, and five minutes later the lifeguards told us we had to leave because the session had ended anyway. It wasn’t a huge deal, but it just felt like another example of me making a call and her immediately overriding it.

There are also little comments that make me feel like she’s created this idea that I’m the person who’ll tell management everything. I’ve had young people jokingly tell me not to “snitch”, and she’s made comments before about not saying certain things in front of me because it’ll get back to the manager. I’ve never actually gone running to management, so I don’t really understand where that’s come from.

Something else that probably affects my perspective is that one of my boyfriend’s friends also works there in a more senior role. She’s quite close with this colleague, so the social circles overlap outside work as well. It sometimes makes the whole thing feel a bit cliquey, although I honestly don’t know if that’s just because I’m the newer person.

One other thing I’ve wondered about is whether the degree adds another layer to it. We’re both studying the same psychology degree. I’m a little further ahead than she is, and she’ll sometimes message me asking things like what modules I’ve picked, whether I’ve finished a piece of coursework yet. I’m always happy to help, but the conversations never really go any further than that. Outside of asking about the degree, she doesn’t really seem interested in getting to know me, which feels a bit odd considering we work together.

She also comes across as very confident, but she often makes quite self-critical comments about herself and her appearance. That makes me wonder whether she’s actually less confident than she seems, although I appreciate that could be completely unrelated. I don’t want to assume she’s competing with me, but I have wondered whether studying the same subject and working in the same role changes the dynamic at all.

I also sometimes feel like she’s positioned me as the “serious” or “boring” member of staff. It’s not anything major, just lots of little comments about me being quiet or sensible, and little moments where she’ll undermine what I’ve said in front of the young people and then laugh if they join in. What feels strange is that she doesn’t joke with me like that. We don’t have that kind of relationship. It feels more like I’m the target of the joke than someone who’s included in it, if that makes sense.
I don’t mind people having a laugh at work, but it sometimes leaves me feeling like my authority is chipped away in small ways while she’s seen as the fun member of staff. I can’t tell whether that’s something she’s consciously doing or whether it’s just the dynamic that’s developed.

The thing I’m struggling with is that none of this is one massive incident. It’s dozens of little moments that all leave me feeling like I’m being subtly corrected, spoken over or prevented from finding my own way of working.
So I guess my question is: does this sound like someone subtly trying to establish themselves as the authority in the team, or does it sound more like I’m the new person in an established friendship group and I’m taking normal workplace interactions too personally?

I’d genuinely appreciate honest opinions, even if you think I’m the one reading too much into it.

Hi! I’m 23F, 164cm (5’4”) and 54kg (119lb). I’ve pretty much sat around 54–55kg since I was 15.
I’d love to get leaner. I know I’m not overweight, but I feel a bit “skinny fat” and don’t have much muscle definition. Ideally I’d like that lean, strong, model look. I work full time outdoors and I’m also studying. I’m modertley active, but I don't have an exercise routine. I may swim in the sea, walk or play sport with friends but not consistently. I spend a lot of time at my desk studying, and my weekdays look like me working 9-4, and studying until bedtime.

I’m mostly plant-based, although I’ve recently started eating eggs again. I eat a lot of carbs and fibre, but I probably don’t get enough protein. Breakfast and dinner are usually healthy, but at work the vegetarian options aren’t great so I often end up eating a lot of white bread, baked beans and fake meat. I bring my own food a couple times a week. I don’t usually snack during the day, but in the evening I’ll often have chocolate or crisps, sometimes I overdo it.

When I was 17/18 I decided I wanted to get lean. I got down to 47kg by cutting out junk food, eating three decent meals a day and doing a simple home workout most evenings with two 5kg dumbbells. I kept that weight for about a year and honestly I really liked how my body looked.

The problem is I also wasn’t looking after myself properly. My sleep was awful, I was using substances, and I had a bad reaction to hormonal contraception that affected my blood work. I remember going to bed hungry quite a lot too. Because of that, I think I’ve ended up associating dieting with feeling rubbish, even though I know there were other things going on at the time.
Over the last year I’ve tried again. I’ve aimed for around 1,200-1,500 calories a day, tried to eat more protein and kept exercise light with thubgs like walking, hiking, cycling and Pilates. The lowest I got was about 52kg, but I got fed up because the progress felt really slow, I didn’t think I looked much different, and I was hungry a lot of the time. After a couple of months I’d end up giving up.
I like juicing and cook meals like lentil spaghetti bolognese, tofu strip fry, bread etc and I’m trying to increase my protein.

Has anyone been in a similar position? I’d really appreciate any advice on how to actually stick to it and get lean without feeling hungry all the time or falling into the cycle of starting, stopping and starting again.

As a psychology student, in particularly interested in answers from fellow psychs.

I’ve recently reconnected with my dad’s side of the family after years of no contact, and I’ve learned things that have completely reframed my childhood.

My dad had a mental breakdown when I was five and was eventually institutionalised. The split between my parents was messy, and from what I’ve gathered, my mum made decisions that upset his family. After that, contact faded. I was too young to understand any of it, and my mum never told me anything about his side of the family.

It turns out my dad’s family is actually quite well‑known. There are athletes, performers, dancers, and even a couple of genuinely famous names. I’m not sharing this to brag, it’s just interesting to realise I grew up completely unaware of a whole branch of my identity that most people would have known about. These aren’t distant relatives; they’re close family members my mum definitely knew about. And honestly, the fact they were fairly well‑known makes it even stranger that she never mentioned them.

Meanwhile, my mum’s side of the family was extremely isolated. She didn’t speak to anyone except her dad, so I grew up without extended family, stories, or a sense of where I came from. We were also really poor, which made the lack of social support even harder on the family.

My mum was very focused on me being “her” child. She changed my last name to hers after the split, took credit for any good traits I had, and never supported me to pursue anything properly. She’d refuse to pick me up from clubs, complain about having to support my interests, and shame me for being “difficult.” She encouraged the things she could claim as her influence, but actively discouraged or pulled me out of the things my dad’s family excelled at (sports, performing, music). Looking back, it feels like she didn’t want me developing strengths that didn’t come from her.

At the same time, she’d say I was “like my dad” only in the negative ways like calling me crazy, saying I had a bad temperament, but she never told me anything positive about him or his family.

She also tried to isolate me socially. She’d complain about my friends, criticise their parents, and even complain about me to them. When she was angry, she’d say things like, “I don’t understand why you have so many friends, if only they knew what you were really like.” I was eight.

I’ve always felt like she was jealous of my potential. She had a sad childhood and was timid, bullied, few friends, and she just never pursued anything, her only success that she refers to was through my dad’s families family business. I was the opposite, quite resilient, outgoing, and involved in everything. I think she saw in me the things she never had.

My dad will never be fully well, but he’s doing much better now. Since reconnecting with his family, they’ve been incredibly welcoming. I see so many of my traits reflected in them. For the first time in my life, I feel proud of where I came from and I feel i spired to pursue the talents that were suppressed when I was growing up.